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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays?

33 replies

londonandwhere · 04/05/2012 11:43

If you go to your birthday meal with your parents who bring your birthday present who pays for it?

And other usual days do you sometimes buy your parents lunch or dinner?

OP posts:
ObiWan · 04/05/2012 11:47

Sometimes we all pay for ourselves, sometimes one or the other pays for everyone.

We don't do 'rules'. Grin

Llanbobl · 04/05/2012 11:50

Wouldn't it depend on who invited whom? If you invited them, I would reasonably expect you to pick up the tab and vice versa. However, there's no ard and fast rules - what usually happens?

We always offer to pay when ouyt with parents (their invite) and it is usually declined (not that means we take it for granted parents will pay).IF we invite them out we pay, they usualyy pay for drinks as a contribution.

SarkyWench · 04/05/2012 11:57

no fixed rules, but because they live quite far from here DH would prob offer to pay for everyone if we'd gone out somewhere near where we live. If we'd driven to where they live then my dad would prob offer to pay.

imnotmymum · 04/05/2012 11:59

Depends on who does the inviting and agree Llanbobl if one pays meal then we get drinks or vice versa

crazygracieuk · 04/05/2012 11:59

Depends on
relative wealth (if you earn £100k and your parents earn £10k then you should pay),
precedents (if you paid for their birthdays you are not unreasonable to assume that they will pay),
how many people are there (There might be 2 of them and your family might be 7 people)
who suggested restaurant and eating out

Aworryingtrend · 04/05/2012 12:01

Depends who invited whom and how it was phrased- "Lets go out for dinner together" = everyone pays for themselves. "We'd love it if you could join us for my birthday meal" = You pay. "We'd love to take you out for your birthday"= They pay.

We tend to take it in turns with my parents.

HecateTrivia · 04/05/2012 12:04

Unless they had specifically said that they were taking me/treating me, then I would assume I was paying for my own meal and it was just that we were getting together.

fuzzysnout · 04/05/2012 12:40

Unless they had said they were treating me I would assume the cost would be paid between us. However if I could afford to pay for them I would offer to.

Morloth · 04/05/2012 12:52

We always pay for everything but that is because we are in a much better financial situation then them (inlaws and Mum).

TBH ever since I have been an adult I have always wanted to pay for my mum when out etc. It just feels right.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/05/2012 12:56

We would want to pay if we had done the inviting and would obviously offer to, but my mum and step dad would probably end up paying because they are like that and we would let them because they have more money than us.

Truffkin · 04/05/2012 12:56

If I'm out with my Mom then we either split it or I pay. With my Dad or in laws, they would pay most times, even if we offer / try to give them our share. (this has resulted in some amusing stealth paying the bill shenanigans!)

It's about affordability mostly.

sausagesandmarmelade · 04/05/2012 12:57

I wouldn't assume anything. I would offer to pay/contribute.

BackforGood · 04/05/2012 13:08

When my parents were alive, they had a LOT more disposable income than we did at the time, so, on the very rare occasions we went out for a meal for some reason, my Dad would pay for everyone. We didn't do it very often though - maybe less than once in 2 or 3 years.
When we go out with dh's parents (perhaps a couple of times a year) there's a careful sharing out of every item on the bill, and each family pays "their" bit.

Agree with everyone else though - it depends so much on the circumstances.

imnotmymum · 04/05/2012 13:48

My Mum has so much disposable income because she never pays for anything she needs WD40 to open her purse. Thank God for papa !

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/05/2012 14:04

My parents would always offer to pay (they do they for everything!) but DH would probably try too, assuming we'd invited them out. They wouldn't invite us out, but they might have us round for a meal as my mum is a great cook, and then I would not expect to reimburse her (!), but would bring a bottle of wine or some flowers as a thank-you.

I prefer it when we end up more or less even financially, so if my parents took me out for a meal, I would want to then take them out. But they would prefer to pay for everything. To be honest, it actually upsets my DH, because they constantly assume we are too poor to be able to pay! But I know we're very lucky they are so generous.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/05/2012 14:05

Btw, imnot, I love the phrase 'needs WD40 to open her purse'! Grin

AdoraBell · 04/05/2012 14:21

Depends who invites whom, if we ever go out with the ILs, for instance, FIL insists on paying so that he can tell the waiter/waitress/anyone who will listen just how much his family is costing him and he's a pensioner too etc etc blah blah blah. With normal people however, we pay if we made the invitation, or if it's a large group with lots of children then we split the bill equally. Most for our friends have roughly the same number of DCs so it really makes no difference.

Ephiny · 04/05/2012 14:23

Have never been out for a meal with my parents now I think of it! If it was DPs parents they'd certainly insist on paying, whether we wanted them to or not.

If I go out with friends for my birthday we split the bill as usual.

HazleNutt · 04/05/2012 15:37

We always pay. I earn several times what my parents do, so it's my pleasure to treat them.

Debsbear · 04/05/2012 15:41

My parents ALWAYS pay, even when we've invited them (as we did last week). I know they can afford to but sometimes I wish they'd let us pay our way, it can make it a bit difficult to suggest doing things if we know that they will pay. I feel that it can look like we are only inviting them so we don't have to fork out ourselves. I don't mind normally as it's usually just me (and sometimes the 3 year old) but when it's all 7 of us the bill can be really high.

nickelhasababy · 04/05/2012 15:43

my parents always pay, too.

TooManyBubbles · 04/05/2012 15:45

With my parents we take it in turns. (Much my preferred method)

With my in laws they always pay and have never allowed us to buy so much as a coffee. My DH and I both find it incredibly frustrating although I appreciate their generousity. They do the 'stealth' paying thing too - nipping to the loo and paying at the counter on the way back. If we ever stay in the same hotel as them we settle our bill on arrival otherwise they run off to reception during breakfast to pay.

BTW we have a perfectly respectably income and could happily afford to pay for them, but the very idea distresses them.

MrsPnut · 04/05/2012 15:47

My Dad would square up to anyone trying to pay and he often pretends to go off to the loo and pay when no-one is looking.
In his defence he is half Italian and in his eyes he has to provide for his family even though we have all grown up and left home.

If I go out with just my mum or with MIL then we take it in turns.

NettoSuperstar · 04/05/2012 15:49

My Dad always pays.
I have offered, but he won't have it.

emsyj · 04/05/2012 15:53

With my mum, I would normally pay as I have more money than her. The ILs sometimes pay or we sometimes share as they have a decent amount of disposable income - although we have paid when it's been one of their birthdays or something, or when they came down to London to visit (as we chose the fancy restaurant without consulting them, so we footed the large bill).