AIBU to think you haven't actually lived life fully unless you have............

[redrubyshoes]

Skidded the entire length of the kitchen on cat/dog/baby poo that culminated in the splits and a sore fanjo on top of having a comedy bandage on thumb due to a slicing mandolin French onion soup making incident...................

My life gets better and better..........................

I suppose it could be worse

You might be sat on a tin of peas right now?

But OUCH anyway...hope you recover fast.

Are you Frank Spencer?

Oooh. Poor you. That sounds painful...

RedRubyShoes hope your fanjo gets better soon!

Sorry, but .

YANBU of course.

And Mandolin slicers are evil; I am amazed that they are legal!

My contribution: you have not actually lived until you voluntarily catch your darling child's vomit in your hands while watching watery diarrhoea emerging from the bottom of their trouser leg. Whilst standing on MIL's cream living room carpet...

HTH.

You haven't truly lived until you have caught a turd that was hanging perilously from your child's bottom, about to fall onto your freshly mopped floor; but then realised that you are now in fact holding a child's turd, rushed into the kitchen, chucked said turd in the sink (why? WHY THE SINK?) where it lands in a saucepan full of soapy water and sends a spatter of blue soapy poo-water all up your kitchen window.

Beat that.

Many hugs for your fanjo though. Ouchy.

This one was cat poo but I forgive her. A couple of weeks ago she was at death's door and is getting better but DP forgot and shut the door to the room where her litter tray was....................

No shagging for him for a while and he can ponder exactly what he did wrong whilst scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Pacific

I salute you!

you also need to try not to stand on the dog as you go downstairs, slip, grab the bannister and rip off two acrylic nails whilst doing so... but to make it even more painful, those nails would be stuck so firmly to your own nails that your own nails also rip out of the fingerbeds... now THAT is the most painful experience ever...

Feak

I would never catch my cat's turd. I think I would rather deal with the mess! My DC's I would catch willingly.

Maybe willingly is not the right word.

God no. I wouldn't catch my cat's turds either, they're rank.

But tbh Ds's aren't much better. I don't really know why I did it. It was instinctive. And horrible!

Of course, you also haven't lived unless both your DC have, on different occasions, sat on your knee and vomited down the the inside of your v-neck jumper.

I know I shouldn't laugh, but I've had a crap evening and this has cheered me up no end.

Ruby I hope you feel better soon.

I've done the splits thing on cat vomit before, not pleasant.

Could have been worse, you could have flung the mandolin to the floor after the finger slicing and then skidded and.. I shall stop now because I am cringing in the fanjo department!

And the icing on the cake would be to pick up a raisin from the floor only to realise it isn't, in fact, a raisin at all but a small brown raisin-impersonating poo. You'd just be grateful you'd used your sense of smell to work it out rather than another one.

Or to contract noravirus the day before hopping on a long haul flight with a five month old DC. Your DH would have a much more serious case (natch - strangely though there would be no sign or d/v from him. Obviously a worse strain that doesn't cause the body to purge it's contents) and spend the whole flight asleep. Literally. Snoring before takeoff and stirring ever so slightly upon landing. So there you'd be, balancing DC on that sorry excuse for a changing table whilst trying to figure out which end (of yourself) to point at the toilet first. Upside
= only Christmas I've ever encountered weight loss.

As a slight variation on Librarian's, you haven't lived till your toddler vomits down the inside of your V-neck top all over your 8-months pg breasts and belly. And your DH PHSL. I am surprised he was capable of fathering DC3, in all honesty....

ahhh but have you ever slipped and jammed your toe under the cooker so that it wouldn't come out and wondering what the hell to do when you are the only adult in the house. the toe nail did grow back... eventually (but not beforre it aquired a dent as I flipped the high chair onto it with ds's bottom, then had to dump smaall boy into the highchair still on my toe as i couldn't move, again. ds still says fuck now..

never haad to catch a turd, though I have been pooed on regualarly by leaky nappies... oh and ds pooed on my leg whilst we were in the bath...

I think I might just pass out reading this. I am very squeamish.

Going slighty off track but many years ago I had two cats.

Cat A was very intelligent and wise. Think of a cat equivalent of an Oxford Don specialising in ancient Nordic languages and adored by his students.

His brother (Cat B) was the equivalent of a street boy with a baseball cap on backwards and singing Hip Hop tunes and regularly 'caught a mouse to keep and love forever'.

Cat B always threw up huge furballs and ExDH and I were a well oiled team. When we heard the retching noise we would grab Hip-Hop boy and hold him over a newspaper to 'catch' it.

Cat A used to watch this and obviously took notes.

One day we heard the ominous retching sounds and it was Cat A. He took himself to the newspaper and threw up a furball on it!

I hadn't even read it but my god that cat was a dude!

Or if you were making a Christmas cake and you picked up a raisin off the floor, that you instinctively put in your mouth started to chew , then realised when it crumbled that it was actually your house rabbits poo.

of genius cat...

TastelikePanda

One day I will tell you the story of Cat A and the stereo.

He was a genius.

Not to mention the phesant story..................

Have you ever had ds vomit all down you at the beginning of an eight hour flight? I had spare clothes for him!!

My condolences to the OP...I won't offer to kiss it better....unless that would help [whyisn'tthereawhistlingemoticon?]

Can today be the day redrubyshoes? I'm loving the sound of this cat!
Walking with a friend once, his dog - let's call her tim nice but dim, had a huge stick she was really pround of and took me out behind the knees, catching the stick in my jeans and pulling me down a wet muddy hill whilst pulling my trousers and pants down. Luckily DH is not concerned about my conduct and believed me when I explained why I had muddy bum cheeks.

I have no baby stories to rival - eldest once maimed me. He was on his changing mat and reached up and caught my in the nostril with his huge talons sharp little baby nails. I got a huge nosebleed and I was so worried about bleeding on the baby I ran to the bathroom, halfway there I realised that meant I'd left DS on the changing table so turned, ran back and fell over. Faceplanting into the floor, splattering blood everywhere and still not getting to son. He was merrily playing with his tigger and all was well but I felt like a right fool. Dh thought there'd been a disaster when he got upstairs!

BLeurgh.

Ouchy to sore fanjo, and splits, actually - hope you feel better soon and perhaps you should take to wearing one of these around the home?

DP called me at work yesterday to complain loudly that she had lifted DD up to smell her nappy....DD vomited all over her head!

it hurt not to laugh!