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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross that my dd is picking up rudeness from nursery

74 replies

Shelly32 · 03/05/2012 21:23

I have twins and I know that at nursery , one of my daughters is playing with an older girl who has, in my opinion, taught her some bad habits. The other daughter plays with a completely different set of friends, in fact my two girls almost lead separate lives at nursery.

The one DD has started to tell me and her grandparents who care for her regularly to 'Shut up' and says 'You're stupid.' The other twin has never said this. I asked both girls where this type of language came from and they both said 'X' a girl at nursery who often speaks like that to the one daughter who plays with her.

I've spoken with my one daughter and she knows it's wrong but I'm a little disappointed that she's picking these things up at the age of 2.5 and that she's being spoken to in this way by another child.

OP posts:

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 03/05/2012 23:48

Yabu .
This will happen throughout their school life.
You need to get used it and prepare for the hard work ahead !

conorsrockers · 04/05/2012 00:07

I find myself constantly apologising for things my 5/6 yr olds have picked up from older DS's and banded around the playground. I often get stories (from parents where 5/6 is their eldest child) about what their kids have picked up from mine. Then I look at their darling younger siblings in the pushchair and quietly piss myself laughing .... . I remember thinking the same things when my DS1 was first at school (and I am sure I probably made judgemental parenting comments about them, although I can't remember), doesn't matter what you do - it's what happens, you just have to make it known that YOU don't find it acceptable. Word of warning though - be very careful what you say about the other child/parent as small (and big) kids are very good at regurgitating your well hidden opinions when you least expect it.

MardyArsedMidlander · 04/05/2012 07:41

Perhaps you should watch that Greek film 'Dogtooth'- Parents keep their three grown children isolated from the world outside with their tall, tall fence.

lechatnoir · 04/05/2012 08:11

Ahhh I remember the first time my PFB came home from nursery and horrified me with the language ("yo smack down" in our case ) and awareness of what I consider inappropriate viewing for 2-3 year olds (Ben 10, WWF, Spiderman etc) I actually phoned the nursery head to discuss my concerns . Pretty much as everyone on here has said, don't ever let them hear you say words you're not happy them using & make sure they know it's not acceptable and the message will hit home.

I now have a 6 year old who will gasp & tell you off himself if you say even something relatively innocent like stupid & thankfully still isn't aware of any more serious swear words. On the other hand I now also have a 3 year old who thinks its hilarious to say naughty words and no doubt tells his nursery pals all about Star Wars, Ben 10 etc and you can bet there are some parents who think I'm raising a feral monster

dondon33 · 04/05/2012 08:25

OP- you're doing the right thing by telling her it's not acceptable just don't overdo it as she will very quickly learn which of your buttons to press when she wants a reaction.

With my own kids, when I've had the same situation I relied a little on their emotions, nothing too drastic- " that's not a nice way to speak to nana is it, mummy doesn't say that to nana does she, because she loves nana and doesn't want to be rude her" it usually got the reaction I wanted and would prompt an apology and get them thinking.

I remember one day my middle son, he was 9 at the time, sat with me at dining table doing his homework and he asked "Mam, what's a blowjob?" :@ I almost fell off the chair in horror, I don't remember exactly how I explained my way out of it, obviously not with the truth, but just babbled it was bad language like other bad language and he was not to use it again and he shouldn't use words that he didn't understand etc.. etc.. He wouldn't tell me who had said it but probably older kids he played football with.

You can send your kids to the best school in the land, it still won't stop them picking up things from their peers, nor can you choose their friends for them, especially not as they get into the teenage years, you can influence, suggest, lock them in their rooms from the ages of 13-18 :) but you can't physically force them- they make stronger connections/bonds with some than they do others, that's life! and we as parents have very little control over that outside of the home, but you have to instil the do's/don'ts /rules in them so they are streetwise enough and not scared to say no to their peers when the time comes for smoking/alcohol/worse.

redskyatnight · 04/05/2012 09:35

My 7 year old asked the other day what fingers you use to swear with.
(in his defence he was asking so he didn't do it by accident).

I do think (6 year old) DD's friends without older siblings are probably traumatised when they come round our house. Not that DS says anything particularly bad but there is a higher level of toilet humour than they are probably used to.

You can't avoid your children picking stuff up - you can teach them when it's appropriate to use it (if at all).

treadwarily · 04/05/2012 11:05

It's a bit like the first time they get bitten by another child, you feel shocked and outraged then before you know it they're doing the biting and you start to get the picture.

I think you will laugh when you look back at this in a few years.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 04/05/2012 11:26

Ah, these wonderful developmental milestones that aren't listed in the little red book you get at birth:

First F word (from the poshest girl in class)
First fully appropriate use of middle finger (to a driver who wouldn't give way)

Happy days

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 21:26

I know, I know.. I can't protect them from everything. I do get that 'Shut up' isn't th eworst thing they could pick up. It's just they're my cubs and I want them to be good and kind.
I will guide them the best way I know how and I won't try to blame others for anything picked up at nursery. All this advice has been honset and eyeopening (if a little unfair at points). Thanks

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 04/05/2012 22:52

The trick is to teach your own children that they can't say that sort of thing. I wonder if the little girl has older siblings and is on the receiving end of 'shut up' sometimes. In your shoes I'd talk to the nursery staff. If they hear her say it they do need to challenge the girl.

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 22:57

I pride myself on teaching my mum's posh mate's daughters some swear words aged (can't remember). I totally remember the rukkas-ooh knowotumean has been teaching x and y bad language. In my young mind I thought yeah too right I've done them a favour.

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:03

skybluepearl You're probably right, she prob has been on the receiving end. I think i will mention it :)
knowwotumean Grow up

OP posts:

Rosebud05 · 04/05/2012 23:03

Say that you don't like being spoken to like that and it hurts your feelings.

It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of but, as others say, completely normal.

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:11

OP I think you need to read some child psychology books-seriously

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:19

So these child psychology books you advocate told you to 'teach your mum's posh mates rude words'... and that will do children a favour.. Oooohkay..

OP posts:

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:21

yes and maybe read some adult psychology books :-)

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:21

dondon33 Thank you!

OP posts:

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:23

NB I didn't know what child psychology books where at that age but I had a good sense that the other parent was over-reacting

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:26

knowhatumean an adult psychology book will only tell me to ignore people like you..

OP posts:

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:28

"I remember one day my middle son, he was 9 at the time, sat with me at dining table doing his homework and he asked "Mam, what's a blowjob?" :@ I almost fell off the chair in horror, I don't remember exactly how I explained my way out of it, obviously not with the truth, but just babbled it was bad language like other bad language and he was not to use it again and he shouldn't use words that he didn't understand etc.. etc.."
and disagree with this approach.....why not just explain rather than sweeping it into the carpet of taboo and being HORRIFIED? FGS the boy was just asking about a fact of knowledge

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:32

knowwot You're confusing me with another poster. I thanked that person for their advice but I don't have a son. Too many maybe..

OP posts:

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:34

Yeah I'm talking to the other poster OP-its not all about you :-)

Original poster

Shelly32 · 04/05/2012 23:43

Oh..Meehhh, Why isn't it? :-( lol

OP posts:

dondon33 · 05/05/2012 13:47

Knowotumean- I didn't say that I swept it under the carpet but certainly didn't tell him exactly what is was, just it was something that adults/mummies and daddies do when they love each other. His reply to that was "oh, so like sex then?" which had already been explained/talked about to him.

Horrified- because I wasn't expecting it to come out of his mouth at 9 years old, my elder son had never done it so I just wasn't expecting him to.
FYI- not that I'm arsed either way what you think- I'm all for being as open as possible with my sons IF it's relevant. "blowjob" was absolutely not relevant at that time, for what reason did he at 9 yrs old need to know- none that I can think of. If he'd asked at 12/13 then we probably would of had a completely different conversation about it.
You advise the OP to read Psychology books- if you feel it's Ok to fully inform a 9 year child exactly what a blow job is then you'd do well to take your own advice.

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