Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to avoid neighbours parents and wait by door till they have gone?

43 replies

familyfun · 03/05/2012 11:58

neighbour is nice lady my age, rarely home, speaks to me and dds when she sees us, sends cards and little girfts for them, never any noise, only problem is her obsession for burning wood on any dry day wrecking my washing, but as a whole a very good neighbour.
her parents are also friendly, send cards to us but i find them a nightmare to talk to. since we had dd2 neighbours dad insists on saying to dd1 he is going to "take her sister" and even told her one day he "had her sister in his house and was keeping her", at first dd1 was upset and said no no but now i just tell her he is being silly and ignore him and she shouts you cant have my sister. i say infront of him "oh he is being silly again" but he wont stop saying it.
he also hides behind a bush and jumps out on dd1 making her scream and she nearly ran in the orad one day when he did it on the school run. if he sees me gardening (he is always next door) he comes out and stands there for ages making stupid comments, "you can do mine when youve finished, put your back into it, got nothing to do, wheres dp he should be doing that, etc etc etc".
if im in the back garne his head pops over the fence and he starts saying crap again.
i just want peace in my own garden, he is in his 60s and im now waiting for him to go in before i go out to avoid having to fake smile and run.

OP posts:

ebbandflow · 03/05/2012 12:00

He sounds awful, not surprised you try to avoid him.

sugarice · 03/05/2012 12:03

What a pain he is and very creepy comments and actions ; jumping out from behind a bush [shocked]. I'd have to tell him very firmly to stop upsetting her and completely ignore him if he keeps saying stupid stuff over the fence.

sugarice · 03/05/2012 12:03

*upsetting your dd1 is what I meant to say.

Original poster

familyfun · 03/05/2012 12:05

the thing is when i say he is being silly or when i told him he nearly made her go in the road by jumping out he just laughs and says he is joking, he is really dim i think

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/05/2012 12:13

What a freak! YANBU to avoid him. Would you be able to mention it to your neighbour so she can tell him how innapropriate he is being?

mirry2 · 03/05/2012 12:16

Can you grow a very tall hedge or tall bushes so he can't see over them into your garden. then at least you wuld be able to go out there in peace

Jux · 03/05/2012 12:17

I think you have to be firm with him. When you say he's being silly you're minimising it. You need to be a little indignant. "Please stop doing that" said firmly.

You could have a word with your neighbour herself and ask her to speak to him on your behalf.

If you really feel you can't mention it to your neighbour, then when he says crap over the garden fence you can try
a) ignoring him;
b) telling him you'd like some peace and quiet while you get on with this;
c) telling him to give it a rest;
d) telling him to f off.
You may find you start at a) and over time progress through b) and c) to d).

Catinthebox · 03/05/2012 12:20

I've got a neighbour a bit like this- I don't believe there is any malice there, just a total inability to read social cues and a deluded belief that they are very amusing and that you are their willing audience.

Ours came to a head when they got so over familiar that they thought it was okay to help themselves to things in our garden, now we don't speak.

Can you put a physical barrier between you, a taller fence or some tall shrubs or something. Or maybe have a word with the neighbour- I'm not sure how you'd word it though- she might get what you mean by 'your fathers a bit of a character, isn't he?'

Original poster

familyfun · 03/05/2012 12:27

i turned my back on him while weeding last week and he still stood there talking and then just stood for ages, makes me uncomfortable.
yes i think he believes he is highly entertaining.
dp says if he sees him carrying anymore wood here from his house (1/2 mile away) he will tell him to take it back and pour water over the fire. last time dp was with dds and this man said about taking dd2, dp told him not to be so stupid and it was a stupid thing to say but man just laughed.
how do you reason with somebody a bit dim.

OP posts:

Jux · 03/05/2012 12:29

You don't. You just tell them to stop.

HecateTrivia · 03/05/2012 12:35

He may actually think that saying he's stupid and shut up etc is banter! I know, that sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But he may actually think you are not being serious!

I think you have to be direct. "Don't tell my daughter that you are going to take her sister, that is inappropriate and it frightens her."

Or say it to their daughter. I know your dad feels he's having a joke with my daughter, but he's frightening her and he needs to stop saying he is going to abduct her sister and he must stop jumping out on her. He frightened her so badly she nearly ran into the road. He needs to stop and he needs to stop right now.

And if it causes bad feeling, well, at the end of the day, if you have to choose between a neighbour you're on amicable terms with or a daughter who's not afraid - there's really no contest, is there?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/05/2012 12:36

You mention him being in his 60s, and I'm not clear if you mean you reckon he's of an age to have 'old fashioned opinions' you somehow have to excuse? If so, well, don't! Firstly because 60 is really not that old, and secondly because it's total rubbish people can't learn new behaviours.

I would be really fed up with someone commenting like him (especially the comments about your DH should do the garden and you could do his garden after).

Time for the old MN 'do you realize how rude you are being?' I think.

Original poster

familyfun · 03/05/2012 12:54

no i meant he is in his 60s and only just retired so should know better. his daughter is my age and he does her gardening for her and seems surprised to see me gardening.
i get on with neighbour and rarely see her. he comes to her house while she is at work so i see him a lot and walk past his house to school but have started going a different way as he started to wait outside to see us pass and i couldnt bare the inane comments at 8.30am.
yes maybe he thinks "silly" is banter, i used those words as dds are there but maybe need to tell him.
one day im worried i will snap and say oh fuck off and then i will upset neighbour for talking to her dad like that. some people feel a need to speak even when they have nothing to say so spout drivel and he is one of them.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/05/2012 13:22

Oh, sorry, wasn't quite sure.

I think it's fair enough to just explain that you are finding his behaviour, even though it's well-meaning, actually a bit annoying. It's not as if it's a terrible insult to just let him know he's coming across more rudely than he seems to recognize, you don't have to tiptoe around wondering if you can say anything.

ninedragons · 03/05/2012 13:31

You really need to come down as hard as necessary to make him stop.

When I was a kid, my neighbour told me when he was digging a hole in the front garden that it was to bury little girls in. It totally freaked me out for several years. I was paralysed by anxiety when around him, and I wish someone had been less dismissive of his "joke" and told him to STFU and stay away from me. I still think he was fucking creepy, 30-odd years later.

girlywhirly · 03/05/2012 14:44

I think the best way to deal with this is via the daughter (your neighbour) as he is at her property when the harassment verbal and woodburning occurs. There may be a by law which prevents domestic bonfires in your residential areas, if there is you have a good reason to stop him or her from burning stuff that he brings. He should dispose of it at the local tip. Tell her that it is a nuisance. Find out if anyone else in the neighbouring homes are affected which will boost your case especially if you need to report it.

The way he speaks to you is a form of harassment too, especially as your DD is frightened of him and you find it irritating beyond belief that he doesn't stop or even recognise that he could be in the wrong. Chances are the daughter has no idea of what he does or says while he's there and she's at work, and as it impacts on your life (you are having to change your route to school to avoid him, not wanting to go into your garden until he goes in etc) she needs to be made aware. Really lay it on thick about DD almost ran into the road to get away from him, his waiting to jump out at her from bushes, constant hanging about and trying to talk to you while in the garden or waiting until you come out of the house. Then say that neither you or DP have been able to get him to stop when you've told him how stupid his remarks and behaviour are.

She has the power to stop him coming to her home unless she is present. If you find the situation doesn't change you might have to take further action. In fact the local police might be able to advise you.

redexpat · 03/05/2012 16:59

Ipod when you're gardening so you "can't hear him" and grow a tall hedge, preferably in some kind of evergreen because they grow thick and fast and are green the whole year round.

Jux · 03/05/2012 18:35

We asked our local council about having bonfires and were told that maybe, once or twice a year, if there was no wind, then yes, perhaps we could have a bonfire...... It wasn't that they were uncertain as the bye-law is basically that we can't, but if the neighbours don't complain then basically we can. We know damn well that the neighbours on one side won't hesitate a second before they complain - we probably wouldn't get as far as lighting the bloody thing! As soon as they realised what we were up to they'd be on the phone. Just a thought....

Jux · 03/05/2012 18:36

Are you unable to ask him if he can do the bonfire another time as it's ruining your washing? Or could he do it at his house? Sometimes, just asking works.

MrsTarget · 03/05/2012 18:42

Let's face it, no-one should say anything scary or threatening to kids, however humorously meant. This guy has lost his social compass and I think you should be as hard as necessary in re-setting it for him: tell him exactly what he needs to do in escalating grades of harshness.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 03/05/2012 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarcalogos · 03/05/2012 19:42

I have a neighbour like this...

He takes steals our rubbish bin/recycling bins and puts them out 48 hours before collection due (and then makes out like we are lazy and he has to help us) and makes sexist/offensive comments about how inadequate DH is if he so much as sees me raking leaves in the garden. . Or Says that I am incapable of gardening, oh and he tried to ban us on (on more than one occasion) of using the garden waste bin, etc...

The best way (so far) that I've found to deal with him is just refuse to acknowledge him if he says something rude, I just totally ignore him and ride out the awkward silences until he a)goes away b) says something normal polite.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2012 19:53

I'd be a bit creeped out by him, tbh. Why is he in his daughter's house every day when his daughter isn't even there? And then hanging about ready to make inane comments to you as soon as you show your face outside.
You've got to talk to your neighbour, let her know how uncomfortable he makes you feel.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 03/05/2012 19:54

I wonder if the daughter knows he is coming around every day to burn wood.

OAM2009 · 03/05/2012 20:07

I would start by approaching your neighbour. Doesn't have to be confrontational, perhaps ask her to come in for a coffee after work or on the weekend. Then tell her that her father has upset your DD1 with his comments about taking her sister and because he keeps saying it, she's still being upset by it. From your comment about cards and gifts, she sounds nice so this might be enough to sort it out. If this doesn't have any effect, there are plenty of other options in speaking directly to him.

How about (loudly) "Don't speak to the nasty man if he's upsetting you, darlings" to your DD and a very pronounced back-turn?

Flip

1 2