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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of people giving dh an I sympathy

49 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 03/05/2012 08:54

I usually only happens when dh is with us but we have 3 girls - dd1 is 4 and I nearly lost her at 32w pg but all was fine in the end, dd2 and 3 are id twins and 8months old. I was told at 6 weeks the pg wasn't viable, then at 7 weeks it was twin pg. Nearly lost them at 20w due to severe dehydration linked to an infection. They were born at 36w by emergency cs and dtd1 went into respiritory distress. Both were in SCBU for 8 days and under consultant for 12 weeks. All fine now and we are blessed with 3 beautiful and healthy girls.

So, why do people feel the need to tell dh how crap his life is and how bad it will be when they are teens etc? I'm not meaning those who make lighthearted comments about dh needing a shed, we've had a few really harsh comments. dh always says "I love being surrounded by beautiful women" but some people seem almost annoyed that dh is happy and are intent on saying things like "well, it's cute now but you just wait.. it'll be hell in your house... it'll be a nightmare" etc

need some replies for when dh's beautiful women comment fails. I feel like yelling "why are you trying to make me sad about having a wonderful family?"

OP posts:

theressomethingaboutmarie · 03/05/2012 08:57

People are just odd and have their own strange prejudices and ideas. We have a DD aged 4 and I'm 23 wks pg now. Before we found out the sex, FIL was determined that we should have a boy, even to the point of saying in a somewhat menacing way, "this one had better be a boy"! WTAF?

Our DD is the light of our lives. Sure she has her moments but just because she's female, we're not expecting hell on earth when she's a teen - I certainly wasn't that way.

NeedlesCuties · 03/05/2012 08:58

Could it be jealousy on their part? They see DH and you being happy with your lovely DD's and just want to rain on that parade?

I can imagine it is a real PITA to hear people bleat on like that :(

No real suggestions, but just wanted to say YANBU.

DoBuggerOrf · 03/05/2012 08:58

My reply would be "Oh just fuck off"

But I have the manners of a toad stool.

paddlepie · 03/05/2012 09:00

I agree it's probably jealousy. I would just stick to the "there's worst things in life than being surrounded by beautiful women" line and ignore ignore ignore!!

cory · 03/05/2012 09:01

Your dh sounds great! I think I would leave it at that, just give them a big smile to show how secure you feel; that will shake them more than any further come-backs.

If it's any comfort, you'd be getting the same, just slightly differently phrased, if you had boys, some people are just like that.

gomowthelawn · 03/05/2012 09:02

They are being 'funny', just laugh. OK, so what they are saying isn't even remotely funny, but go with it for the sake of your sanity, or crack an equally unamusing joke about their situation right back at them. Jokes at my expense really annoy me too, so YANBU.

minouminou · 03/05/2012 09:03

I'd rather they didn't internalise nonsense like that. Gender isn't a pathology, you know.

I've said that to people who claim that DD is a gobshite because she's female. She's a gobshite because she just is, alright!

Tee2072 · 03/05/2012 09:06

I think the old MN stand by 'Did you mean to be so rude?' would be perfect here.

Vicbic · 03/05/2012 09:06

These things are always getting blown up out of all proportion on here- they are just making small talk... Nothing more nothing less.

Softlysoftly · 03/05/2012 09:09

I am one of four girls, no brothers and we got a lot of "oh your poor dad", it's a joke, an unfunny old fashioned sexist joke, but still a joke so ignore it or do the "haha now fuck off" glare. You are letting it affect you too much because of the trauma you went through to get those lovely girls.

Dad is a "mans man" and laughed along sometimes but raised us strong and is inordinately proud all his girls are self sufficient and free minded (well apart from lil sis but we are working on it)

eagerbeagle · 03/05/2012 09:09

Maybe enquire as to whether they know somewhere you can get a good part exchange deal on one of them and if so which one you would get the most for. Or that you looked into sending one back but you lost the receipt.

Bloody ridiculous comments after what you've been through. All I can say is that people often fail to engage their brain before they speak and you are quite free to treat stupid comments accordingly.

sixlostmonkeys · 03/05/2012 09:10

Try a confused look and say "excuse me?". Allow them to witter on with their explanation then reply, still looking confused "oh...really..." Give your head a little shake, and leave them to go quiet. The justification going through their own head will beat anything you could say.

or - sarcasm. "Heh, no one has said that to us before"

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/05/2012 09:13

'Gosh, I didn't think people still held opinions like that in this day and age. My DDs will be individuals not defined by their sex.'

YANBU.

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/05/2012 09:14

(And if it is a bloody nightmare in your house when they are teenagers, NEVER admit it )

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 03/05/2012 09:14

small talk is fine vibic and the poor dh comments are expected, it's the ones that go further - and some are just beyond rude.

OP posts:

Primrose123 · 03/05/2012 09:15

After I had my second daughter, the HV came to the house, and said to me, "two girls, oh you poor thing, still you can always try again for a boy" I told her quite clearly and politely through gritted teeth that I was thrilled to have two girls, that I had always wanted girls, and did not intend to 'try' for any more at all!

ipswichwitch · 03/05/2012 09:16

I would do obviously fake hysterical laughter then ask (with total deadpan face) "are you always this funny?"
That soon shuts them up
Arf at manners of a toadstool :)

YouOldSlag · 03/05/2012 09:17

Just say " we don't care if it's hard, we're just glad they're healthy"

whackamole · 03/05/2012 09:19

Personally, I think you are being a little over sensitive.

I have three boys - 3 year old identical twins (I also had a fairly difficult pregnancy) and a 6 month old. Also DSS who is 11 (today!). I can't go anywhere without getting 9you've got your hands full' and 'haven't you got a telly?' etc etc. But I accept this is just small talk, and that they are conversing about my children without trying to pry. I get the same about living a in a house of boys but it's not meant as an insult!

Please try and be a little more thick-skinned. YABU.

Poledra · 03/05/2012 09:22

I have 3 DDs. I fully expect my house to be hell on earth when they're teenagers. But I'd fully expect the house to hell on earth if I had 3 boys too. Maybe it'll smell better though....

gettingalifenow · 03/05/2012 09:23

You've got to let it go or it'll annoy you forever - some people are rude, some are just stupid, some are trying to be lighthearted. It just doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you and your DH feel blessed and that is all that matters.

PurplePidjin · 03/05/2012 09:23

Don't say anything. Just look at them with a blank expression. Completely freaks people out

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 09:34

I get this and it's only with girls. In fact I was thinking about starting a thread on society's attitudes to girls.

I have one girl and one boy. You would not believe the amount of negative comments I get about her. Men that dh works with tell him that their teenage daughters are a nightmare and so she will be a nightmare by default apparently.

I get it too, people I hardly know telling me to make the most of her at the age she is because once she hits puberty she'll be out of control. They don't even know her!

I get no comments about my son.

It makes me want to scream very rude words at them.

I would challenge these people who think they can predict your girls without knowing them. I would want to know what their reasons are for saying that and if they had the power to look into the future, because if they did would they mind telling you the lottery numbers whilst they are at it. If you don't challenge this behaviour, it doesn't go away.

justmatureenough2bdad · 03/05/2012 09:36

i get this a lot as well, even with just 1 daughter....a lot of people going on about never sleeping again, needing to buy a shotgun, being outnumbered etc...

my usual response is a blank stare, followed byt he comment that i already have the shotgun for annoying workmates...

Catsmamma · 03/05/2012 09:41

It's just something to say, I think you need to let it wash over you.

If you talk about boys people will comment on noise and grocery bills, girls mean hormones and tantrums, teens means exams, stress and are not to be trusted alone in the house for fear of organising some sort of houseparty and venturing into drugs.

Folks are making contact and trying to be nice! If you are upset now with the eldest one being just four then you have a long and tiresome road ahead of you!

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