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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of people giving dh an I sympathy

49 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 03/05/2012 08:54

I usually only happens when dh is with us but we have 3 girls - dd1 is 4 and I nearly lost her at 32w pg but all was fine in the end, dd2 and 3 are id twins and 8months old. I was told at 6 weeks the pg wasn't viable, then at 7 weeks it was twin pg. Nearly lost them at 20w due to severe dehydration linked to an infection. They were born at 36w by emergency cs and dtd1 went into respiritory distress. Both were in SCBU for 8 days and under consultant for 12 weeks. All fine now and we are blessed with 3 beautiful and healthy girls.

So, why do people feel the need to tell dh how crap his life is and how bad it will be when they are teens etc? I'm not meaning those who make lighthearted comments about dh needing a shed, we've had a few really harsh comments. dh always says "I love being surrounded by beautiful women" but some people seem almost annoyed that dh is happy and are intent on saying things like "well, it's cute now but you just wait.. it'll be hell in your house... it'll be a nightmare" etc

need some replies for when dh's beautiful women comment fails. I feel like yelling "why are you trying to make me sad about having a wonderful family?"

OP posts:

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 03/05/2012 09:45

Not upset just too tired to think of funny retorts but would like some lined up.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 03/05/2012 09:46

I'd be inclined to respond when people say that it will be a nightmare when your DC are older, "No, really? I can't see it happening. I'm sure that if it is, we will deal with it effectively."

You could say to those who have grown up kids "Were your teens a nightmare? Do you think there was anything that you could have done to prevent it?" and to those who have no kids but are putting in their twopennyworth, "really, what evidence do you have that my DD's will be like that when they're older?

I think that by turning their ill-judged remarks back on themselves means they have to justify them, and either disclose their ignorance or poor parenting skills in the process. You just put on an expression of polite but intense interest while you question them. It's worth noting that opinions vary wildly about what would constitute a 'nightmare' it could be as trivial as getting home a bit late from a party or not coming home for dinner that their mother had slaved over, choosing to eat somewhere else instead.

YANBU, but it helps to turn things around on the complainers, because you are happy and they can't spoil that. So glad that your DD's are all well.

bewitchedandbewildered · 03/05/2012 09:47

I'm a mother of 3 boys who was petrified of having girls. I wasn't sure I could protect them from a world of horrible men. I've made the shotgun comment to mums with girls, because of my own insecurities and said as much. Didn't realise until this thread how rude I was being. Yikes!

Chooster · 03/05/2012 09:47

It's par for the course when you have kids all the same gender. I have 3 boys - have had 4 boys but one of my sons died at birth. Generally people just look for something to say and its really not meant to be rude especially if its a stranger. I just smile and say "I know I'm lucky aren't i" - deliberately misunderstanding their " what a nightmare" comments! But if you and dh are happy, and why wouldn't you be!, them don't worry about it. The only thing that annoyed me was people I knew well saying "i bet you are desperate for a girl!" When pregnant and the comments of "are you disappointed?" When ds4 arrived. Bloody hell, I have a beautiful healthy baby, willy or no willy I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 09:47

No. No-one says anything negative about boys. Maybe if you have 2 or 3 boys, but I have one dd and one ds. Not one negative comment about him but plenty about her.

Girls are presumed to be more scheming, emotionally unstable, daddy's girl (implying I won't get a look in), untidy and when her hormones kick in apparently she won't speak to us for days, she'll drag loads of boyfriends in, she'll be out of control, she'll disappear for days, she'll spend all our money etc.

Dh works in a very macho environment where these attitudes are quite common, but I've even had people tell me that we are in for a lot of trouble when she hits her teens. Especially now when people ask how old she is and I reply that she's 11, they raise their eyebrows and tell me that it's not long to go now before our lives are turned upside down.

They really aren't this negative about boys.

Chandon · 03/05/2012 09:51

some people feel sorry for me for having "only" boys.

I accept it calmly, smug in the knowledge that having these boys is great, and cherishing my secret knowledge that they will love me forever, and I them, and I could not have asked for more.

So it never "hurts" me, as deep down I feel I know better.

oopsi · 03/05/2012 09:52

To be fair though it sounds as though they have experienced teenage daughters, wheras you haven't.Theyb are not trying to make you sad , it is just something to say and you are reading WAAAY too much into it.

Chandon · 03/05/2012 09:52

oh rhubarb, not sure, everyone keeps reminding me of the Inbetweeners!!!

alwaystheblacksheep · 03/05/2012 09:56

I'm with you op as I have 3 beautiful dd too! Ignore and enjoy them.

PurplePidjin · 03/05/2012 09:58

OP, how about "Why don't you tell me all about it so I can learn from your mistakes?"

"Oh shit, do you really not think my parenting skills are up to this? Can you recommend any good courses?"

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 09:59

I have never watched Inbetweeners. The very fact that it's popular with just about everybody makes me think that it's probably going to be shit

Same with bestselling books.

NovackNGood · 03/05/2012 10:04

I think these kind of reactions from strangers and friends usually smack of their own jealous and they probably would love to have the crown jewels of twin girls and then another one two on top.

If I noticed one thing from those gender reveal parties on youtube the other day was just how disappointed many people were when they found it it was a boy they were expecting. Look on the bright side how your child will generally do better at school get a place at a better University and have far better future job prospects.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/05/2012 10:06

I get the 'enjoy her now' doom-laden prophecies, and she's only 2! I tend to laugh, I was a very good-natured teenager, hard-working and no trouble at all, as was my DH. Yes, she could still be a nightmare, but it doesn't follow that she will be just because of her sex.

kmdwestyorks · 03/05/2012 10:08

I have one DD, there won't be any more, she has no cousins. It breaks my heart that one day when her grandparents, mum, dad and aunt have all gone she might have no one left to call her family.

The simple response is that you created a family, it will be hell becasuse you're going to raise them all to be independant and happy and loving and giving and that never comes without a bit of noise or divergent opinions.

Tell them you just can't wait for it! you plan to sit back and enjoy every minute

My DP would give anything to have another dozen girls in his house!

WinkyWinkola · 03/05/2012 10:09

It is ridiculous stuff to say.

But then I do get parents of daughters saying to me that they couldn't possibly handle how rough and boisterous boys are. And all that crap. Which does me make me want to be rough and boisterous myself towards them especially since my own dd is far more energetic than my dss.

WinkyWinkola · 03/05/2012 10:10

makes me want to be rough and boisterous towards the ninnys coming out with such tripe. Not towards my dcs.

Chooster · 03/05/2012 10:10

It is the same with boys honest! People joke about that saying of a daughter is a friend for life a son until he gets a wife... or something like that! Apparently i'll get ditched and never see my sons or their kids as i'll only be the mil.... yeah right! Load of stereotypical bollocks. All kids are different, why do people find that so hard to understand. Boy or girl it doesn't matter!

snappysnappy · 03/05/2012 10:12

I think its just people trying to be amusing, doubt its meant in any mean way.
Women with sons, imo, are treated with a lot more sympathy as if their sons are an affliction and not a blessing. That would drive me nuts !

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/05/2012 10:15

I think you are over thinking this and being too sensitive. I very much doubt anyone genuinely feels sorry for your dh for having a wife and three daughters, why on earth would they?

ShowOfHands · 03/05/2012 10:16

If people are taking it further than the idle chit chat/small talk then this is just because they're idiots and prone to saying stupid things. There's no point engaging with them. Most people are just trying to talk to you and they don't know your obstetric history. It's not actually do with gender and they'd make similarly pointless comments if you had all boys or perhaps something about pigeon pairs if you had both. It's Crap Small Talk. I probably do it too. Because there's not much to say about other people's children so I grasp about for something and it's probably nonsense but I'm just trying to be friendly.

albertcamus · 03/05/2012 10:24

I had my DS when I was 22 and my DTDs (identical) exactly two years later. It was impossible to go anywhere without random members of the public:

1 Offering us 'sympathy' for how much work it must be ... but no practical help eg opening doors for the double buggy
2 Commenting on how we now had the 'perfect family' and would be 'making sure we didn't have any more'
3 The comments you've experienced eg 'Just wait until they're teenagers, then you'll know you've got them !'
4 Telling my DS 'Bet you can't get a word in edgeways now !'

Clearly having a multiple birth gives people the impression that you appreciate their comments and are interested in their opinions.

My DH sometimes replied to #2 with: 'We would like to have at least three more', which elicited some interesting responses, especially from the tree-hugging brigade who would then lecture us about world population stats !!!

Take no notice and be proud of your lovely family, now mine are 26 & 24 they are WONDERFUL because they are all at work and off our hands !

Vicbic · 03/05/2012 10:41

Most people are just trying to show an interest - which is them being nice not rude. In all honesty they probably don't love a monkeys so they are actually trying to be polite.
People say similar things about my daughter and I laugh with them, and say I hope not, bit as I was a faraway teenager she might well be a handful.
They also comment on her birthmark which is less acceptable in my opinion, but again is mostly intended well, and that is the spirit in which I take it, rather than making a big deal out of it and looking for something to complain about.

hairylemon · 03/05/2012 10:42

YABU they are just making chit chat. I say it to my friend who has all girls and she agrees it will be a nightmare! I get it about my boys and just shrug it off or say something like "nah, would rather have a house full of boys, cant be dealing with all that period and hormone nonsense"

Vicbic · 03/05/2012 10:46

Oh for goodness sake, so it is offensive if people sympathise about you having a handful and also if people say you have an ideal family?!!! You can't win then. No wonder people are said to be less friendly than they used to be if this is the reception they get.

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