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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I'm keeping the peace and not telling her to get lost?

26 replies

nespresso · 02/05/2012 22:38

I have a female family member who has some issues. She keeps attempting to create rifts and arguements within the family.

There are alot of females in our family - not always a good thing! We all have families, children.

This particular family member is the eldest of all of us, amongst our generation, and is the only one without children. I mention this because I can't help but think it contributes to what she does.

She has called me this evening and said some not very nice things, over ridiculous claims such as, 'I spoke in the wrong tone of voice to her father last week" (He was being completely inappropriate at the time).

Had she been anyone else I would have told her where to go and put the phone down. But I listened and then told her I would still love to see her this week end ?!

Does anyone else have an impossible family member like this? How do you deal with them? I have gone from angry to frustrated to really upset today, I'm so fed up. I'm also 8 months pregnant and SO annoyed that she has started with her nonsense again and made me feel like this.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 02/05/2012 22:45

Drama queens need an audience and you've allowed yourself to be sucked in and, as such, are providing her with one. You need to 'train' her to behave in a more reasonable way, by rewarding good behaviour with attention.

cheeseandmushroomtoastie · 02/05/2012 22:48

I keep the peace with my Inlaws, when I would love to smack them all in the face. I put up with way too much shit from them, its not healthy and I just end up annoyed with myself and resenting them more Sad don't do it. Be free! Life's too short. And we deserve better to be spoken to like that too.

Joiningthegang · 02/05/2012 22:49

Blood is thicker than water is the most hideous phrase - if people make you happy spend time with them, if they don't then avoid them. Choose who you want to spend time and energy with and don't worry what others think about it x

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 22:50

She pushes your buttons. Next time she says something ridiculous, allow your normal reaction to pass you by and just say "yes ok, bye then." Remove her access to your buttons!

Original poster
nespresso · 02/05/2012 23:03

Good advice ladies, thanks. Keep it coming! I really need to talk to other reasonable human beings after this crazy woman.

When I don't answer the phone or ignore her texts she gets incredibly angry and screams at me for being rude. I'm expecting more from her tomorrow. It never ends with just one episode.

I find it easier to be nice to her than to be confrontational. If i get into an arguement with her my heart starts beating really fast and I feel awful for days afterwards.

I sound like a real wimp, and I'm so not! It's just the older I get, the more I want to steer clear of any arguements. Especially with family.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/05/2012 23:18

Just don't get into an argument with her then! She clearly has no real reason to complain, she's just looking for a punching bag and you're just bending over and providing her with one. If she starts screaming and shouting, just say "I won't be spoken to that way" and either leave or hang up.

chunkythighs · 02/05/2012 23:26

What about the classic passive aggressive 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.

I love the repeat complaint and add ok method. eg, 'so I you think I was a cheeky cow for sitting on a chair? oh ok.'

Have you tried crying when she goes off on one? like really wailing, drop to your knees, preferably in a public place of your choosing.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 02/05/2012 23:28

My family's full of them.

Water is far more refreshing than blood.

Original poster
nespresso · 02/05/2012 23:33

Se has just sent me a text with 76 rows of text. Yes 76!

It's all incredibly polite but there are some huge veiled insults thrown in. Not to mention a pack of lies about something that happened recently. I desperately want to defend myself by replying. What she has written is completely untrue.

Wonder if she writes this complete nonsense to goad me into responding. This is how I end up arguing with her, and of course it never ends well and I cannot win because she actually wants to argue with me.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/05/2012 23:36

Yup that's exactly what she does. She pushes your buttons. She knows full well how to get a reaction from you. Text back with an inane comment about something she said, like "I hope you have a nice dinner," then say goodnight. I'd love to see her reaction to that!

Original poster
nespresso · 02/05/2012 23:40

I think you're right. Considering texting nothing at all. Bloody stupid cow.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/05/2012 23:42

I think she would interpret you not texting as an insult, something to use against you. If you text something friendly but neutral then she can't complain. You've responded, just not in the way she wanted.

chakracleansing · 03/05/2012 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nespresso · 03/05/2012 01:22

Good to have some advice from an expert Cailin !! Sorry you have to deal with someone awful in your family too.

I've replied, with some nice sentiments. Quite lengthy but nothing of any consequence. I think replying with a couple of lines she would take as a snub and call me rude.

Chakra you are right I need to learn how to deal with this. I am unable to sleep because of it. Tomorrow I'll be dreading what will come through my phone all day.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 03/05/2012 11:51

I cannot win because she actually wants to argue with me
I've come across people like this. They engineer confrontation because they know they are REALLY REALLY good at it, whereas most of us get upset and feel awful afterwards.

I have to disagree with soem other posters though-I think not responding (really just never responding) is the way to go if you can stick at it. People can't have an argument on their own.

Original poster
nespresso · 03/05/2012 15:09

Yes she's really good at it, excellent in fact! So skilled that whatever I say will be twisted around to put me at fault.

Not responding would show her she's being ridiculous. I don't really care if she brands me rude for not responding. It doesn't matter what I say or do when she's on a witch hunt ...

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 03/05/2012 15:14

Witch hunt her back? She's clearly rude and obnoxious, why not face it head on by telling her exactly how awful she us, in great detail.

The worst that could happen is that she never speaks to you again...

EldritchCleavage · 03/05/2012 15:17

Exactly OP. And if she launches into a tirade when you next meet her, let her do it and then just sigh and say something like "Well, there we are..." before moving on. Because it actually doesn't matter. If it doesn't matter what you say or do then t is probably less about you than about her need for confrontation.

Original poster
nespresso · 03/05/2012 17:11

Need for confrontation. She does have that, it surfaces every few weeks and if it's not aimed at me it's aimed at another member of the family. I've had several crazy messages today, taking a much nicer tone than yesterday. Bi polar???

OP posts:
Original poster
nespresso · 03/05/2012 17:14

Purple pidgin, much as I would love to, I would carry it around with me for weeks and feel so negative about it. Trying to keep positive and happy, in last month of pregnancy. I will have to see her when baby is born though. Crap.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 03/05/2012 17:23

And raised eyebrow and "Have you quite finished, dear"?

Probably the same explosive effect Sad

BBQJuly · 03/05/2012 17:28

Read some books on assertiveness for women. These will show you how to be assertive - neither aggressive nor a doormat.

sue52 · 03/05/2012 17:35

Why does she feel the need to be so involved in your life? It sounds as if she has too much time (76 lines of text FGS) on her hands.

Original poster
nespresso · 03/05/2012 18:46

Yes probably should do some assertiveness reading. Will take a peak on Amazon later.

She has far too much time on her hands. No job sadly and not much else going on.

OP posts:
deste · 08/05/2012 17:03

Just say to her when she goes off on one, "sorry what were you saying, I wasn't really concentrating".