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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not help friend ?

53 replies

littlemissangrypants · 02/05/2012 16:25

A friend has just asked me to have her kids overnight. She is going into hospital and her husband wont look after the children. Social services are going to get involved if my friend doesn't sort out childcare while she is in hospital. She is very worried that she could lose her DC.
My problem is this , I have two Dc of my own. One has special needs and the other is almost a teenager and quite hard to handle. I also have a heart condition that makes me quite ill and i faint a lot. My friends Dc are under 1 , 3 and 8 years.
I really want to help and have helped out in past I just don't know if i can manage to look after five children on my own ( am a single mum).

Could really do with some advice

OP posts:

Gumby · 02/05/2012 16:26

I would if it's just one night
Could you get a friend or grandparent to help you?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 02/05/2012 16:26

Where the hell won't their Dad look after them??

whackamole · 02/05/2012 16:26

It is her husband's responsibility to care for his children not yours, but the situation sounds awful.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 02/05/2012 16:26

Meant Why not where...

CrispyCod · 02/05/2012 16:27

She won't lose her DCs, it can be arranged that they go into foster care while she has surgery and recouperates.

As for her husband...well, I'm not going to waste my time writing about him.

dexter73 · 02/05/2012 16:27

I don't think that SS would take her kids away because she has to spend one night in hospital. Could she ask the hospital for advice as I'm sure this must be a common problem.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 16:27

why wont her husband have them?
where is he and what is wrong with him?

SS can provide emergency foster care for them.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/05/2012 16:27

I really dont know......usually I would say if SS were to get involved would there not be any way you could possibly have them but to be honest it sounds like you have enough on your plate anyway especially with your heart conditions!

Does she not have any other good friends that could help. Why wont her husband have them.

What a situation for the poor woman!

MadamFolly · 02/05/2012 16:27

Maybe SS should be getting involved if the father is like that. Do you know any more about him and why he won't care for his own children when his wife is in hospital?

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 16:28

dont ake them thouh if is too much for you - it is not your job to take over her husbands role.
and if he refusing to have them then she needs this documented for when she divoces him ...

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 16:29

frankly she needs SS on her side supporting her and her DC if her husband is like this.

Original poster

littlemissangrypants · 02/05/2012 16:30

My friend has no family in area or other friends who could help (or at least are willing too help). Not sure why her husband wont help. Her dc are quite a handful but are lovely children and enjoy spending time with them

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 16:31

you ahve to say no to overnight if only to force the husband to take repsonsibility .

if he refuses then SS will step in with emergency foster care and he should be out on his ear...

TeeBee · 02/05/2012 16:31

I would for one night - because I couldn't imagine being in such a horrible sitaution myself and wouldn't want her to worry. But I would definietly try and get some back. Clearly, she needs to sort something out longer term, but for one night I'd buy them sweeties and jsut have a hoot with them so they didn't worry about their mum. Will your teenager help you if you appeal to their better nature?

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 16:31

'frankly she needs SS on her side supporting her and her DC if her husband is like this.'

^^This

Noqontrol · 02/05/2012 16:33

Social services wouldn't take her children away just because someone has to go into hospital. If there's other things going on that you haven't mentioned though then that would be a different story, obviously depending upon what it was. If that is all it is then social workers could offer support via respite care or foster care whilst she is in hosp. I guess it would be nice if you could take her children, mainly because they probably know you and it might be easier for them. I completely understand why you feel you might not be able to though, sounds like you have a lot on your plate as it is.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 02/05/2012 16:33

What happens to your own children if your health is in such a precarious state and you're alone? You can't take responsibility for her children when you aren't well enough to guarantee you can actually look after them surely? And it sounds like you're having a hard time of it as it is, without adding three younger children into the mix so to speak. What if something happened?

Thumbwitch · 02/05/2012 16:34

If you're going to be compromising your health, or upsetting your own DC (more the one with SN than the teen) then don't do it.

If the H won't step up, then SS will help out. Doesn't mean they'll necessarily take them away forever! He sounds like an utter knob but that's her problem.

Only agree to it if you can actually manage it without trauma.

Voidka · 02/05/2012 16:36

I would, and I say this as a Mum of a DS who has SN.

ThreadWatcher · 02/05/2012 16:36

Was their father not involved in their conception....?
Sorry but I think he should look after them.

You clearly have enough to cope with already.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 16:36

she has a husband.

if he wont take repsonsibility for one night she needs to kick him out.

then - when he is gone - yes - i woudl step in for her as a fellow lone parent.

but while she has a husband he has responsibiliy and if she needs SS to step in and confrontt husband with why he wont take the children for one night. so this is documented.

then she can kick him out.

there has to be more to this .

thisisyesterday · 02/05/2012 16:39

no, i wouldn't

she has a husband for pities sake! what's he going to be doing????

NowThenWreck · 02/05/2012 16:40

I would ignore the issue of the husband. Your friend needs help, and you should help her.
Do you have a friend or a relative who can come over just for that one night and hang out with you all, thus providing extra support?
That is what I would do-call in reinforcements.

Original poster

littlemissangrypants · 02/05/2012 16:42

A lot of the problem is that i'm not sure if it would only be one night. I have had the kids before for what should have been a few hours and ended up being from before 9 until 6. It was really hard work and i felt very ill. My Dc will help but i'm just very worried that i would end up with my friends Dc for longer. I have important things to do tomorrow ( that i can't get out off) so it will be very hard to look after them for the day as well.
I'm really not trying to be a bitch. I help anyone all the time often making myself ill doing it but at the moment i just don't think i'm well enough. I often faint several times in a day and with five children in the house it would be dangerous

OP posts:

OhChristFENTON · 02/05/2012 16:43

I would take them in. Considering your health problems and other children I would see if you could get anyone to help you with them. I would ask her for any contacts she possibly has - friends, family, Mums at school - she might not think they would help but if you presented them with the situation I'm sure they would do the odd couple of hours here and there - I know I would.

You could create a network of help for her where she has possibly been unable to or didn't know how.

When she's out of hospital she will still need help.

And 'leave the bastard' is all I can think of where the husband is concerned.

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