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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not help friend ?

53 replies

littlemissangrypants · 02/05/2012 16:25

A friend has just asked me to have her kids overnight. She is going into hospital and her husband wont look after the children. Social services are going to get involved if my friend doesn't sort out childcare while she is in hospital. She is very worried that she could lose her DC.
My problem is this , I have two Dc of my own. One has special needs and the other is almost a teenager and quite hard to handle. I also have a heart condition that makes me quite ill and i faint a lot. My friends Dc are under 1 , 3 and 8 years.
I really want to help and have helped out in past I just don't know if i can manage to look after five children on my own ( am a single mum).

Could really do with some advice

OP posts:

TheLightPassenger · 02/05/2012 16:50

No, not unreasonable at all. Your health won't allow it, as when you have tried in the past it has made you ill. If the husband is such a louse that he wouldn't look after them, that's not your fault. How well do you know this friend? Could she be taking the piss a bit?

bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 16:51

Your friend sounds afraid of social services. I suspect the threat of her kids being taken away are being enforced by her husband's refusal to look after their children, which is why she is now rallying in friends to help out.

She'll find she'll get more help, assurance and assistance from the very authorities she is frightened of than from the husband, who it sounds like is the unsupportive one.

OTTMummA · 02/05/2012 16:51

No, you shouldn't look after her much younger children if you faint several times a day, what if something happened to them?

Has she really got no one else at all? even maybe seperating the older 2 among school mates to stay over etc?
However much you feel for her, with your bad health and not knowing exactly when the children would be leaving then no, don't do it.
Also, her husband? wtaf?! please expand why the darling won't look after his own children.

Kayano · 02/05/2012 16:55

One night I would! Sounds
Like she has enough bad things going on her life without not being able to ask anyone a favour for one night!

I'd be heartbroken if I asked my friend to do this in desperation for one night only and they said no.

I'd have a
Panic attack and worse

peacefuleasyfeeling · 02/05/2012 16:56

Your poor, poor friend. And poor you too, having to make such a tricky judgement call. For all I know, it might be a question of a poor, poor husband too, who for whatever reason feels unable to look after his children at this stressful time; I feel like I need to say something in this unknown man's defence as he can't speak for himself and seems to be the focus of lots of unfavourable speculation. He may not be well himself, perhaps suffering from a not-so-visible mental health problem such as depression or anxiety, in which case it might be completely overwhelming and inappropriate for him to take on this particular responsibility by himself. We just can't know what happens in people's lives. I am sure it would mean the world to your friend if you were able to help her out, I imagine she is at her wits end but at the same time you need to feel comfortable with the arrangement. Whatever you decide, it sounds like your friend needs to know she's got a friend in you, as it seems she has a lot on her plate.

Kayano · 02/05/2012 16:57

X posted with the massive drip feed sorry

MummytoKatie · 02/05/2012 16:59

I don't think you should be looking after a baby or a 3 yo with yor heart condition. Could you offer to have the 8 yo? It's not ideal to split them up but it is probably easier to find someone else who can take two than three.

valiumredhead · 02/05/2012 17:01

It's not your responsibility to pick up the slack if the father won't help.

Say you have recently been to the doctor and he has said you need to take it very easy and have no extra stress and looking after more kids will be too much for you.

Original poster

littlemissangrypants · 02/05/2012 17:02

She is a fairly new friend from church. We are in pretty similar situations. No family in the area. I have other (very good) friends who are willing to help when i am ill so i guess i just want to do the same for her.
She does seem to need a lot of help with her Dc which might be why so far no one else has agreed to take them. I really do value the friendship so will have the Dc if needed tonight and just hope that i wont have to keep them for several days. To be honest i'm just quite scared in case anything goes wrong

OP posts:

DinahMoHum · 02/05/2012 17:03

i wouldnt because her husband should be doing it. Maybe if SS get involved she will wake up and smell the coffee as to his shitness

thebody · 02/05/2012 17:05

I certainly think u don't sound well enough to have them.

Also I think you are right In assuming this may be for longer.

If u agree her twat of a husband is off hook.

Say u can't, if she's a friend she will understand, ss will help, kids arnt taken away from parent permanently unless there's more to this than u know or have said.

OhChristFENTON · 02/05/2012 17:05

Your church friends are your answer here. Approach your vicar with the problem - I'm sure he'll have a list of regulars who would be willing to help, they really can pull out the stops you know.

Birdsgottafly · 02/05/2012 17:08

Could you ask one of your friends to pitch in,then?

Tbh, it is easier to have them overnight, than all day. If it runs into any longer, you need to make it clear that you cannot help.

Keep the care simple, it doesn't matter if things slip for a couple of days, re baths, what they eat, etc.

You have to lay down the law to your teen.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 02/05/2012 17:08

I think the bottom line is if you don't think you could physically manage it, you have to say no and let SS intervene. It's not your fault her DH is a dick.

Birdsgottafly · 02/05/2012 17:11

Whilst they won't be 'taken away', they will be accomodated longer by SS, than by friends, because SS will want to be certain that your friend is well enough to continue with the care of them.

She should have had this sorted and it probably would have been possible to even arange for someone to stay overnight in the children's home,which would be better for them.

In real emergancies it is surprising how much people will help.

lisaro · 02/05/2012 17:14

If she needs a lot of help and can't cope then maybe social services are the best people to get involved.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/05/2012 17:15

FENTON sounds as though she knows what she's talking about! Church may be your/her best bet. I understand why you want to help, but honestly I don't know how good it would be for either you or her kids; you sound quite unwell.

And I second the remarks about SS perhaps being able to support her, rather than condemn her, if her husband is such an areshole.

QOD · 02/05/2012 17:17

Does he go to church? Friends of mine that are church goers often seems to have a relationship with their pastor or whatever. Could you not involve him/her?

lunar1 · 02/05/2012 17:28

in your position i wouldn't. I went for day surgery for a simple op, came out 4 days later!

MooBaaWoofCheep · 02/05/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMonster · 02/05/2012 17:40

Three kids overnight is a big responsibility. I wouldn't want to do it.

MarysBeard · 02/05/2012 17:47

Would an organisation like Gingerbread be able to help, at least to point you/her in the right direction? Sounds like you may need some help yourself too. Take care.

lunamoon · 02/05/2012 17:49

I would also do what Fenton has suggested.
I would also want it noting, not sure where though, that the husband will not look after his own children, incase she leaves him etc and he trys for custody.

AuntieMaggie · 02/05/2012 17:49

Not in your condition no.

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2012 20:51

If her husband won't look after their children while she's in hospital, maybe social services should be involved... .
What a bizarre situation.

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