To upturn my family life so that I can run my dream business?

[BackToB4Beatrice]

At the moment DH has a small business of his own. Probably not his dream job, but one he is enthusiastic about and enjoys. It has been running 3 years and is just starting to generate decent money.

We are currently in a rented house (£800 pm), and DH pays all bills. We live comfortably, but not extravagantly. We hope to move and get a mortgage in the next couple of years.

I currently work PT and freelance and my money pays for any extras for me and DD (clothes, trips out). If I have a skint week we go to the park, live cheaply etc, I don't ask DH for money.

Not sure if above is relevant but thought back ground info may help.

Once DD goes to school, I would like to start my own business, in an area I love.
This will mean a drastic change in set up for us. It will mean long hours and little money to begin with.
Firstly I won't be at home to "housewife" (not that I'm much good at it!). It will mean more responsibility of DD for DH. He will have to get her up and ready for school in the mornings. In my head, I'm thinking I will finish early and pick her up from school and come home 2 nights a week, 2 nights she will have to be picked up by DH, and possibly sit in the office with him until 5 then go home, and possibly be picked up and spend the evening with my mum on night a week (probably a Friday so no school in the morning).
I will also often have to do a day at the weekend, sometimes both, and sometimes none.

I'm confident my business will provide good income by the third year, and as it's my own I will be able to be flexible and change hours around somewhat if needed to suit DD.

DH feels there is no need for this, and that I can either be a SAHM or have a morning job in order to be more available for DD etc. He hasn't said I can't do it, but he feels it is unnecessary.

My veiw is, if we all work together it's do-able, I know I won't be as available for DD, but plenty of kids have two parents working full time.

Or AIBU, to do something that the only reason for doing it is to make me happy? Am I being a bad parent if I choose to have a long houred

Ooops!

....long houred job even if I financially don't have too?

It something I have wanted to do for so long, all I have ever really wanted to do.
Sorry this is so long, really do appreciate all opinions.

Well I don't think your DH is in a position to say you can't do something if you want to do it. I would go for it if it's what you want to do, but I have a feeling you are slighly under the control of your DH?

Thanks. No not at all, he wouldn't stop me, he just has concerns, and isn't fully on board with it yet.
I think he just thinks we have it quite sweet now, which we do, and do we really need to get in to a life of rushing, changing schedules and having very little family time, and being run ragged. These are my concerns also. I want to go for it, but not at the detriment of my family.

Don't you think it might be better to work part time until you know your DD is settled at school? It sounds like a massive change for her - starting school, and suddenly you're not around half the time. I'd take it a little more gradually if I were you - it'll pay off in the long run.

As for being slightly under the control of your DH, it doesn't sound like that at all to me. I think he's voicing real, understandable concern.

Yes olgaga, it would and could be gradual. Although I couldn't do it part time. I do work a couple of evenings and most weekends already, so she is used to me being away some of the time.

I'm so torn. Don't know what to do for the best. I feel I could live with big regrets if I don't, but things are so easy ATM.

YANBU. It sounds like your DH would quite like to keep the status quo as if you do this he will have to do more around the house, with your DD etc. Presumably you supported your DH in setting up his business so I think he needs to understand he now needs to support you. Ultimately you are doing something that will make things better for your family.

What I would strongly suggest though is that you sit down with your DH and point out what you actually need him to do, otherwise you will end up doing all the housework, sorting your DD AND trying to set up a business. Even the best men often won't see what needs to be done until you point it out to them.

Thankyou.
I have tried to have that chat, but I can tell he is liking it less and less as we get into it!
I think very deep down, although he would never say it, he thinks I'm being selfish......and I probably am.
I did support him with his business, for a good couple of years. He was working all hours and I was at home with a new baby.

However, he feels, this time it's different as he HAD to do it to support us. I don't.

Go for it. You'll end up being resentful if you don't. And if it does pay off financially, it'll be great for your DD in the longer term.

I currently work PT and freelance and my money pays for any extras for me and DD (clothes, trips out).

Does it not include extras for your husband too?

I don't ask DH for money

You are married with a child, why on earth should you have to?

Your relationship doesnt sound like it is financially balanced.

YANBU. I think he'd be unreasonable to encourage you settle for a less profitable, less satisfying job. You've supported him to build his business but what if something happened to him? It sounds like the perfect opportunity to get the balance of work and family life spread more equally because it's impossible to know that situations won't change - one day your family may need to rely on your income to support you all instead.

Over and above that, it's something you really want to do that will benefit your family as a whole (DH and DD's relationship, increase income, long term ability to work flexibly etc) and he should support you in that.

Op, it seems to me that you're just looking for a little support from your dh, as he already has had from you which will give you greater financial stability in the long term.

Do you think he feels threatened by the prospect of you earning more or is not comfortable with doing a bit more childcare/housework?

"only reason for doing it is to make me happy?"

Why do you think your happiness isn't important? Why does your husband?

squeakytoy yes it does, I phrased it badly, but to be honest, between him working and me working we have very little time together, so the trips out etc are during the week, and come out of MY earnings.

When I say I don't ask for money, I mean I don't really spend money if my wages don't cover it (non essential items). If I wanted extra money I could have it, but by the time DH has paid rent and household bills, there is no lots left.

Not everybody runs their finances the same way.

The poster that said I just wanted a bit of support has hit the nail on the head. I want DH to say " sure it will be harder, but it will be great to do more for DD and have more of an equal work balance, and the extra money will be great" instead it's all a bit negative....

oh fgs, how irritating to see all the presumption about your DH being controlling/not wanting to lose his housekeeper/not seeing what needs to be done....

what the original post sounds like is that a healthy discussion has taken place in stable, good relationship and ur DH has raised his concerns to the idea.

It sounds to me like you have a great setup wherein your DH's business provides for the family and you also get occasional extras from your PT job... (and it's unlikely that he is working solely to avoid housework and dealing with DD)

could it be that he is concerned about the potential level of DD's parental support if u are both running ur own businesses....(rather than that he will have to do some hoovering etc) or even that he is concerned about the time you two will get to spend together as a couple.

You have said that he would support you bu isn't quite on board...perhaps he is picking up on your concerns and doesn't want you to feel that he expects anything from you...

Personally what i get from your post is that you aren't certain yourself whether you want to do it (because of familial concerns and possible a little bit of understandable trepidation)...you both (possibly all 3 depending on DD's age) need to sit down and talk about the reality of the idea and how it can work... perhaps, as it's his own business, he could maybe work less hours...

i realise that this is what you want to do, but part of marriage/family is being prepared to compromise on things...

sorry for slightly ranty style, but the presumption of some people really ticks me off!

A few years madness to have two happy parents running businesses that they love sounds like a reasonable thing to ask your DH to support you in. Can you pitch it that as you will be bringing extra money it will help towards buying a house?

I am making an assumption based on your PT hours and rent that you as a family aren't able to stash much away in savings on a monthly basis.

blacktea My wages will certainly help towards paying the mortgage in future years. Although, as far as the actual buying of a house, we don't save on a regular basis, although we will have last years dividends and this years dividends that will hopefully pay for a large chunk of the house, helping to keep our mortgage low. We seriously rationed our dividends the last year or so, so that we would have enough money to buy a house, but it's meant little extra expendable income on a month to month basis.

I really am only having reservation about the impact on DD, direct impact, and also the impact of possibly having two stressed busy parents for a couple of years.

I know that, and I am sure your dd will be ok whatever you end up deciding to do. I was looking for ways to pitch it to your dh as he doesn't seem keen on the idea.

I get you blacktea!!
Thanks for the advice.

I say go for it. marriage and children should really be a joint effort these days and dads should do just as much around the house and with the kids as us mums.

Plus, I think it is fantastic for children to see mums as career women. I think it's a fantastic example for our kids and I wish you all the best in your adventure!!

I'd say go for it. You're clearly not doing this on a whim and are genuinely passionate about it. You need to talk with your DP of course about the practical side and how you will deal with the concerns you both have re: family time, but if you can work that out to your satisfaction, don't hold back.

Good luck!

I think you should do it, take the path less travelled by - it always makes life more interesting!

If you explain things more positively to your husband, I'm sure he'll start backing you a bit more. My only hesitation would be if you were planning any more children, as a new baby + a new business + moving house + first child starting school would be very tough.

Good luck with it, really hope it goes well for you.

I think get staff in, look for good childminder/babysitter, DD won't miss out if a kind carer takes her to the park/out for a walk/plays shops whilst you are working. Also get cleaner/ironer/gardener so free time is for DH and DD.

Get this set up first (although accept it is easier said than done).

DH is possibly wary of having an overworked, stressed and fractious DW rather than against the whole idea.

YANBU at all. I think it is very beneficial for you as a family to have financial security, and being self employed always has a risk factor, but if BOTH you and DH are running your own businesses the chance of them both having a bad few months at the same time would be unlikely (presuming that they're not in the same field!)

You also deserve to be happy. Why SHOULD you have to stay at home? Once your business was up and running your DH could be a stay at home dad! There is NOTHING wrong with being a little selfish!!!!!! Being selfish just means you have identified the situation which would make you happier and want to go for it.

But..... I think you should wait a little bit longer. School is a big transition for a child. DS1 was utterly exhausted the first few months. I think YABU if you think your DD can go to DH's office until 5 twice a week. She will most likely be tired, crabby and bored. Not a fair thing to ask of a 4/5 year old.

You also need to take into consideration what will happen during school holidays. A lot of school holiday clubs don't take children until they are a few years older. Finding childcare just for school holidays will be very difficult and costly.

Also, not seeing your DD at all on the weekend will be hard for both you and her, get used to not seeing her all day for most of the week first!

You've done it for him for three years, now it's your turn. Forget about one of you being female and one being male... and have a think about what would be fair at this point in your family's life...

Also, there is no longer spousal maintenance, and divorce is on the up. Most divorces also seem to be drawn up without pensions being involved now too - so the SAHM/working Dad thing isn't the cushy number it used to be.

Fine if you weigh up the risks and are happy in your role. But if you aren't - which it seems youre not else why are you dreaming of this new business - then I don't think your DH is in any position to be hindering your chances of having your own career.