To upturn my family life so that I can run my dream business?

[BackToB4Beatrice]

At the moment DH has a small business of his own. Probably not his dream job, but one he is enthusiastic about and enjoys. It has been running 3 years and is just starting to generate decent money.

We are currently in a rented house (£800 pm), and DH pays all bills. We live comfortably, but not extravagantly. We hope to move and get a mortgage in the next couple of years.

I currently work PT and freelance and my money pays for any extras for me and DD (clothes, trips out). If I have a skint week we go to the park, live cheaply etc, I don't ask DH for money.

Not sure if above is relevant but thought back ground info may help.

Once DD goes to school, I would like to start my own business, in an area I love.
This will mean a drastic change in set up for us. It will mean long hours and little money to begin with.
Firstly I won't be at home to "housewife" (not that I'm much good at it!). It will mean more responsibility of DD for DH. He will have to get her up and ready for school in the mornings. In my head, I'm thinking I will finish early and pick her up from school and come home 2 nights a week, 2 nights she will have to be picked up by DH, and possibly sit in the office with him until 5 then go home, and possibly be picked up and spend the evening with my mum on night a week (probably a Friday so no school in the morning).
I will also often have to do a day at the weekend, sometimes both, and sometimes none.

I'm confident my business will provide good income by the third year, and as it's my own I will be able to be flexible and change hours around somewhat if needed to suit DD.

DH feels there is no need for this, and that I can either be a SAHM or have a morning job in order to be more available for DD etc. He hasn't said I can't do it, but he feels it is unnecessary.

My veiw is, if we all work together it's do-able, I know I won't be as available for DD, but plenty of kids have two parents working full time.

Or AIBU, to do something that the only reason for doing it is to make me happy? Am I being a bad parent if I choose to have a long houred

OP it is hard.

DH and I have both put aside a few choice opportunities so as not to spoil our, admittedly, lovely status quo. One or two we talked ourselves out of, which looking back were probably doable.

I think you need to sit down and talk this one through. Is it really going to put so much stress on your family that it will prove itself not worth the sacrifice? Or is it actually doable with certain changes will which hardly kill anyone?

Thankyou all for the great advice! Really is helpful.

Will try to address some points

• will def be getting a cleaner- not sure I can afford all the other suggestions, although would be lovely!
• posters are totally correct- DD will need to be settled in school first
• during summer holidays, nice weekends etc, it is no problem for DD to come to work with me. It is outdoors, and in a very child friendly field. This won't be a possibility when it is late, cold, wet, dark.
• sadly I don't see DD at weekends as it is, she is either with DH or sometimes a grandparent. Weekends won't really be much different, it's more the mornings, and a couple of evenings.
• no more children are on the horizon, for many reasons!

Thanks again for your comments, and ideas. They have been so helpful and encouraging!

"You also need to take into consideration what will happen during school holidays. A lot of school holiday clubs don't take children until they are a few years older. Finding childcare just for school holidays will be very difficult and costly."

Yes, and OP and her husband will have to sort this out together. Childcare is not just the concern of the mother.
Maybe her DH, since he runs an existing business could juggle his hours a bit to manage the childcare.

I say YANBU, and go for it. Once you are in a routine it will be fine. Why take some little part time job, if you don't want that.

If you feel you want to push yourself a little more, and have a fulfilling successful career, then you can.
You daughter will have an excellent role model in both her parents: You for showing her that a woman can go out into the world and achieve things, and your DH for showing her that men can be great at the domestic stuff too.

True wickedest, and there's not just the risk of divorce either - if he had an accident or became ill or disabled it could end up being really important for you as a family to have alternatives to him being the main wage earner.

It's one thing for both members of a couple to decide that it benefits the family for one person to be at home or working part time (and the active day to day stuff of parenting is a really worthwhile thing to be doing and has value just as working for money does), but not if the person sacrificing their earning potential isn't happy with the situation any more - that changes things. And even when you are making that decision it's important to think about all the what ifs and what will happen when the child/ren are older. Otherwise the person based at home (or part time) can find themselves in a difficult position later on.

OP - would child care be both of your responsibility? The comment

"I currently work PT and freelance and my money pays for any extras for me and DD (clothes, trips out). If I have a skint week we go to the park, live cheaply etc, I don't ask DH for money."

would suggest that he sees your DD as your expense rather than his.

You're right anaistasia, It seems that so often once we have made a decision to do something - our partners hold us to it. Whether that be working or not working. People change and personally if my DH isn't happy - neither am I, and visa versa.

I am speaking as a person who has always been a career woman and whose DH certainly did not "sign up to" supporting. But recently I have decided to become a stay at home mum... no idea why, but DH is right behind me and so would I be him if things were the other way around. Life is short.

Yes, and OP and her husband will have to sort this out together. Childcare is not just the concern of the mother.

?! Did I say it was???? I just said it was something that needed to be considered within the whole of the scenario!

Fair enough ChitChat. It just seems to me that the stress about childcare is so often put squarely on the mothers shoulder e.g "Oh well, you can't work FT too. Who will look after DD? " When actually, it is the job of both parents 50/50 to juggle work/kids.
I agree with wickedest that OP and her DH seem to class the DD as OP's expense, which strike me as a little odd!

Ask him what if Carole Middleton's dh had said no to her little business

DD isn't my expense. DH pays the bills etc, an there just isn't that much left, especially as our dividends are banked so we can pay a deposit on a house. I just meant, my money pays for the extras for me and DD to do as we like during the week. I can take her to the zoo, clubs whatever, and not worry about the money. I don't HAVE to work, it's just we would not have that many opportunities to do "fun" stuff if not. What I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is the "extra" money comes from me choosing to go to work. It simply wouldn't be there if I didn't.