Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send the other woman a personalised card?

58 replies

exmrs · 01/05/2012 22:48

I so want to send a card to the other woman with a few choice words in and a nice picture on the front but is that going too far?
Yes i know my husband has done wrong and he was the one married but when i confronted other woman who knew he was married and a young child she blamed me for their affair, if she would have had some remorse i could have let it go but she was proud of the fact.

OP posts:
TandB · 02/05/2012 08:14

Don't do it.

Yet.

In a few years time send her a thank you card with a picture of you enjoying your wonderful new life, surrounded by people who would never treat you like this.

If you even remember her name by then.

bringbacksideburns · 02/05/2012 08:17

No way.

Ignore her.

MadamFolly · 02/05/2012 08:21

I like the idea of signing her up to junk mail.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/05/2012 08:22

She won't think of the devastation she has caused from any contact you have with her. She will use it to justify to herself that you are mental and she did nothing wrong because your husband is better off without you.

Keep your dignity and leave it.

Chuck all his washing and everything else in bin liners, then put them in the shed or garage or whatever you have.

TroublesomeEx · 02/05/2012 08:25

Hi

I want to add my voice to the "Don't do it!" camp.

You will regret it. She won't feel remorse, she won't apologise. She'll sneer and laugh and bitch with her friends. He's probably done a good job on her anyway in terms of how unstable you are, how crazy you are, how he's better off without you... you don't want to make his job any easier for him!

Having said that, you do need to do something to work it out of your system. My dad left my mum for another woman 19 year ago. In that time, he has married and stayed with the OW - they have 2 children together and are a far happier family than we ever were. She, on the other hand, has had 3 LT relationships, including a second marriage, with increasingly unsuitable men due to her anger and low self esteem as a result of the marriage breakdown. She can't take it out on my dad and his wife because, frankly, they don't care, and her behaviour has been increasingly erratic as she has sought to punish my dad by taking her anger and feelings out on my brother and myself.

This has finally led to her behaving in such an unreasonable way that she is no longer allowed to have unsupervised contact with my children (LA directed not (just) our choice). Add that to the way she's behaved generally over the past 2 decades and we don't want to see her anymore either.

It's sad, but I'm nearly 40. I need to have a life of my own at some point without everything being tarnished by her.

And this is all because she refused to address the way she felt after he left her because there was "nothing wrong" with her. Very sad.

ApocalypseThen · 02/05/2012 09:11

Well, I agree with everyone else. It's very tempting and certainly a person with a concience would be horrified to be confronted with the consequences of her actions, but I don't think this woman would feel like that.

She's already (clearly) allowed a picture of your marriage whereby you're the real reason your husband had an affair to become her belief. By acting in this manner you really would only reinforce her impression.

He's a liar and a cheat - he's done both to you, and he's already lying to her. So let her feel it herself. And when he cheats on her, send her a card expressing sympathy, but also letting her know that it really is all her own fault. That's what happens when you go off with a cheater.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/05/2012 09:36

Just before Cheryl Tweedy got married one of his exp was in a paper/mag saying he cheated on her, and that if he could do it to her he would do it Cheryl too, I remember reading it and wondering if time would prove her right.

And of course it did. They are still in the honeymoon phase, they most likely havent had a big row yet or setteled into a mundane routine.

They will of course have rows and it will get routine and then the rose tinted glasses will become clear again.

Ignore her, carry on with your divorce and take the bastard for everything. her new boyfriend is a cheater, dont think much of hers.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/05/2012 09:38

Oh it can also be seen as harrasement and you dont want the police involved. Text messages can also be seen as assault by text message, we had DH's exp arrested for it.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 02/05/2012 09:44

They obviously deserve each other op.

And although you may feel better about sending a card, she will probably gloat at the fact that you still seem to care about the pair if them.

I doubt it would help a divorce case either.

My instinct would be revenge of some sort but an ex friend was an other woman and she loved getting under the skin of the wife.

Rise above it. You have the moral high ground. They both now know what each other is capable of, and although they may seem happy at the moment - at the back of their minds they will know that the other is a cheat. How much trust can they possibly have?

And as for her blaming you? That old chestnut... Is that her best excuse for an affair? It wasn't her fault?

Obviously an intelligent woman isn't she Hmm

If you still feel the need to take some sort of revenge in a couple of months, direct it at your ex.

Revenge is definitely a dish best served cold.

Look after yourself and hope you're happy again soon op

redwineformethanks · 02/05/2012 10:14

Don't do it. Get a hair cut and some new underwear. Start exercising. Don't drink too much. She knows fine well that what she did is wrong, but she'll never admit it to you in a million years, so I wouldn't waste time trying to get an apology from her as you'll just upset yourself even more

Hope there is someone lovely out there for you when you feel ready to move on. I'm sure there will be

HandMadeTail · 02/05/2012 10:19

If he did it to you, the chances are high he will do it to her.

She says it's all your fault because he told her that. Now she knows what she's up against. She has to be perfect little woman all the time, or it will be her fault when he goes off her, as well.

You on the other hand can relax. You don't need to be Mrs Perfect for this lying cheating bastard. Hooray!

Vixxen · 02/05/2012 10:48

Relax, take your time to mourn. When you are with friends (non mutual of course) and family, you can shout and cry and get it out of your system, but in the meantime keep your dignity.

After that, treat yourself to a new haircut, buy some new clothes and other treats with the money you made selling all his crap on eBay and hold your head high. Pretend you don't give a shit even if you really really do. And socialise. It's no good hiding away in the house festering. Surround yourself with people and run towards that light at the end of the tunnel.

Write a list or write down all your feelings on paper. Then write out all the positives. Destroy the negative stuff and keep the positives folded away in your favorite book.

But most of all, don't seek out revenge. Think through all the horrible things you could do, but instead of acting on them spend the time and money you would have wasted throwing old pants about and sending cards to do something positive for you.

musicismylife · 02/05/2012 12:24

Karmageddon

musicismylife · 02/05/2012 12:25

OP, have you and your husband made it up?

cwtch4967 · 02/05/2012 12:31

Don't do it!!! I was so tempted to do the same when exh told me about his other woman, I found her number on his phone and really wanted to tell her what I thought of her.She knew he was married, and her ex had cheated on her (which made it seem worse to me as she knew how it felt).

I kept my cool and walked away, she did me a favour looking back! She is welcome to him...........

Original poster
exmrs · 02/05/2012 13:06

musicismylife no he has moved in with her, although he wont admit it he says he just stays weekends but my friend sees her car there every night

OP posts:
Tiago · 02/05/2012 13:12

Don't send a card. It won't have the desired effect.

However, you do need to have a clear out and get rid of his stuff - 'tis not healthy to keep living among his things.

bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 13:24

I don't believe women get involved with married men out of spite or to fuck things up for someone else. Life happens. Your husband had the commitment to you. You don't know what reasons for your marriage break up he has fed this new woman. He probably blamed it all on you. Why take it out on her? Take it out on him if you must. In her head she's involved with a block whose marriage went/was bad. She probably doesn't see herself as the reason but more as the catalyst, which is prossibly closer to the truth. He wouldn't have left if everything was great in the first place. But it's easier to blame the other woman when the fault lies with the man you married.

bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 13:25

Bloke not block!

Original poster
exmrs · 02/05/2012 13:33

Bewitched i know my husband is more at fault but it was her attitude towards me, if she would have just said im sorry even if she didnt mean it i would have accepted its not her fault but the fact she seemed to relish telling me it was my fault for making him so miserable made me so mad

OP posts:
PorkyandBess · 02/05/2012 13:37

Take the high road and be dignified. All you will achieve is looking bitter and twisted.

bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 13:37

What was your attitude like with her?

BeauNash · 02/05/2012 13:39

Seems pretty unanimous OP.

Original poster
exmrs · 02/05/2012 13:43

bewitched i asked her why she felt it was ok to sleep with a married man

OP posts:
bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 13:53

Ah! You accused and blamed. And she did the same. That's to be expected, I guess.

Count your blessings and leave them be. Let your anger go before it grows on you.