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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect visitors to clean when staying in my house

68 replies

Iamseeingstars · 01/05/2012 20:05

I have been in hospital for the best part of 6 months with a few home stays in between. But when I come home the house is filthy - kitchen is really grimy, bathroom hasn't been touched and the vacuum must come out once a month.

The visitors are staying to look after my family, do feed and do lots of chores, but cleaning is not one of their favourites and it is driving me mad. I cant physically do it myself, I have asked them and my family, hinted, requested, demanded etc but they still wont clean anything. THey dont see a problem but I need a germ free safe environment. I have already spent a lot of time back in hospital because of infections.

What would you do?

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 20:43

You will not make your house germ free and you will be encountering as many if not more germs in hospital than in your house. D yo have a husband or boyfriend to help clean your house or is that why you have visitors staying. At least they are keeping your family out of social services care so perhaps you are being a bit unreasonable.

NunOnTheRun · 01/05/2012 21:08

I agree with NettoSuperstar's advice to get a cleaner in the interim. It's not worth potentially ruining relations with the family members who are presently helping to best of their abilities. Though I do appreciate what you [OP] are saying about needing a germ free environment. Take care x

CountryMouse27 · 01/05/2012 21:15

I'm put in mind of my MIL who when coming out of hospital for a fairly serious although routine operation was very upset that we wouldn't keep the house clean and up to standard for her.

By clean and up to standard I mean cleaning the skirting boards every few days (even the bit behind the sofa, WTF?), ironing FIL's underpants (LMFAO) and taking everything out of the cupboard under the stairs, hoovering, and then putting everything back.

I did as much as I'd do in my own house, a bit more, then got fed up and did bare essentials. I think she got her friends to pick up where her lazy DIL left off.

Washingmypaws · 02/05/2012 06:28

Indeed, alwaystheblacksheep - it could be any one of many hypothetical scenarios, who (apart from the OP) can say.

But whatever, it's not working for the OP, who is in hospital and stressing about how clean her house isn't - so looking for reasons why she's being Unreasonable isn't going to get her much further forward.

YouOldSlag · 02/05/2012 08:31

OP, I am very sorry about your long hospital treatment. I hope you get well soon.

The people staying in your house are presumably doing it voluntarily and for no money, so do employ a cleaner as you can be very specific with someone you are paying without causing offence.

Thank the people helping and pay someone to clean. It won't be as expensive as you think.

If I was staying in someone's house and looking after their family for them, I probably wouldn't like it if they "hinted, requested, demanded etc" about cleaning tasks and would probably feel it was a bit of a cheek.

And your home won't ever be germ free, even if Kim and Aggie did it for you.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 02/05/2012 09:34

YANBU to expect them to clean up after themselves and not leave the place a complete shithole, YABU to expect a germ-free environment, that's beyond anyone...

Original poster
Iamseeingstars · 04/05/2012 11:15

Sorry for not getting back sooner - been back in hospital. I have cancer so not in a good state of health at moment.

I think the main consensus from you all is get a cleaner and that I am being unreasonable. It is always worth hearing other people's opinions to put things into perspective so thank you.

Will have a chat with partner over weekend.

OP posts:
alwaystheblacksheep · 04/05/2012 11:18

Thanks for update OP. Sorry to hear you have cancer, wishing you well.x

StealthPolarBear · 04/05/2012 11:22

It sounds like this is one of those situations where people;s "help" isn't actually that helpful. Like when DH and I are getting ready for people coming round and while I prioritise cleaning thr bathroom, his focus is on alphabetising his DVDs Hmm.
YANBU - you are ill, you are getting infections, you need jhelp. Sounds like you've picked the wrong people. You need to identify someone who will help (or will at least coordinate the others doing jobs) and get stuff done! And ask them.

ZZZenAgain · 04/05/2012 11:22

sorry to hear that you have cancer. I hope the home cleanliness issue can be resolved so that is no longer troubling you. Is your therapy making progress?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 04/05/2012 11:22

I hope your prognosis is positive.

It's hard to know if you are being UR or R - depends who the people are really. However, I'm surprised that between the 'visitors', your partner and your family that you are even having to think about this - one of them should have the common sense/common decency to stay on top of this.

It's actually made me quite angry & sad on your behalf :(

StealthPolarBear · 04/05/2012 14:22

yes, agree Chipping, which is why she needs to rally one sympathetic, organised and bolshy friend to actually tell the others what needs doing.
Yes, they are helping. But I think this is one time when you're not being 'entitled' if you insist on help that's actualy helpful.

porcamiseria · 04/05/2012 15:44

get well soon

AND get a cleaner

really, seriously

send us initial part of postcode and we will even resdearch a firm for you

porcamiseria · 04/05/2012 15:45

I am guessing you either having radio or surgery?

you need peace of mind and cleanliness

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

1950sHousewife · 04/05/2012 15:48

Amazed by this response.

I don't think YABU at ALL!!!!
Even if I was helping as much as your 'visitors' are doing, I would damn well make sure I was no extra burden on you on your homecoming. I agree, a cleaner may well be an expense for a while that is necessary, but any decent person would try and clean up their own shite whilst staying somewhere, especially if the LO has cancer.

I hope your recovery and homecoming goes smoothly.

YouOldSlag · 04/05/2012 15:53

Wishing you all the very best OP. Get a cleaner and don't stress. Just work on recovering and getting through the treatment. I truly hope it all works out for you.

verytellytubby · 04/05/2012 16:09

So sorry to hear about your hospital stays. I think you need to get a cleaner. Or your partner needs to do more cleaning. If your parter can't cope, get a close friend to organise it.

Hope your prognosis is postive. Thinking of you.

mynewpassion · 04/05/2012 16:09

I am sorry that you have been in hospital and are seriously ill. However, you are expecting alot from the visitors who are presumably leaving their family to help you for a bit or doing double duty with your household and theirs.

Getting a cleaner is the best solution.

Thumbwitch · 04/05/2012 16:12

Sorry to hear that you are so unwell but agree with many others that you are best getting a good cleaner in if your family/ friends are incapable of understanding the importance of a clean environment for your health.

Mind you, I'm pretty disgusted that none of your family/friends ARE able to understand the importance of this issue, especially if you've already been re-hospitalised because of lack of cleanliness --> infections! Shock

CrispyCod · 04/05/2012 16:19

If they are making the mess then they should clean it up whether it's their own house or someone else's imo. OK, maybe not a deep clean but they should vacuum the area in which they are living in and keep the kitchen clean.

Blu · 04/05/2012 16:30

Really sorry that you are in this difficult situation, OP.

I can completely understand that after hospital stays you want to be able to come home and enjoy your home - never mind the health / infection aspect.

If the people staying are undertaking childcare etc, then I think the only person you can reasonably put extra pressure on is your partner - who should be being sensitive to your needs (emotional and hygiene-wise) and managing the cleaning in advance of your homecomings if at all possible.

Otherwise if it can be done, a cleaner would seem to take the pressure off and ensure your needs are met.

The dependency on the help of others must be hard to deal with, however grateful you are for their support.

Best wishes for the success of your treatment.

Original poster
Iamseeingstars · 05/05/2012 17:22

Thank you for all your kind comments.

Visitors are family. I think they are just fed up now because my recovery has deteriorated rather than getting better so have stayed longer than expected.

Pleased to say that Dh has cleaned the bathroom, and will see where we go from there. Cant afford cleaner at moment, had too many other expenses.

But I do appreciate yor feedback. It has made me think of everyone else instead of just feeling sorry for myself. I am probably bot the easiest person to be around at the moment!,

OP posts:
Hebiegebies · 05/05/2012 17:29

I've just caught up on your thread, sorry to hear your health has not improved.

A local voluntary group may be willing to help you in the house, WI, mothers union, church ladies, Link Scheme etc. worth an ask of your local vicar who may be able to give you ideas .

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 17:36

You have cancer, you have been re-admitted due to infections and you have spent most of the last 6 months in hospital :( I'd hardly expect you to be the life and soul of the party :(

I think they are just fed up now because my recovery has deteriorated rather than getting better so have stayed longer than expected

Bloody hell - it's not as if you are partying in the med expecting them to mind your kids!!

I wish my bank account was healthier - I'd send you the money to have a deep clean done and a weekly cleaner! But sadly it's not... however, if the euro ticket comes good - you are on my 'list' :)

Are you hoping/expecting to be able to stay at home now or are you just 'visiting' between treatments?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 17:37

Hebie - of course why didn't I think of that!?!

Stars do you have a friend who could look into that for you??