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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually just tell this woman to f*** off!

44 replies

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 12:57

Brief background - have been friends with this woman since DD started school, something happened (dont ask me what) and she has pretty much blanked me since before easter. I actually asked her if I had upset her (was brushed off with - oh no, ive been busy) fine. Time to move on (i did post a whole thread about this before if anyone can be arsed to look) Based on advice on here, just sucked it up, moved on, tried to encourage DD with new friendships.

Something happened at school, other parents complained about her DD and forbid their children to play wiht her - basically the shit hit the fan. This woman reacted badly (i imagine she was v upset to be fair). This had nothign to do with me, but both other women told me about it - I had had issues with the child before but had let it go as it seemed to have blown over.

During the easter break my mother was taken ill and we have had a very worrying time. I had told this person about this and not once did she ask how she was etc. Even when i spoke to her in the playground one day.

But now she wants to be my friend again - now im getting texts askin me for coffee, she texted to ask how my mother is (im so going to out myself here Blush. So she has gone from pretty much blatantly blanking me and upsetting my DD. To wanting to be my friend (So she can slag off other parents, re-establish friendship between the DDs).

The grown up in me just thinks - just kindly tell her you would rather not be involved in the playground hoo ha, but that I wont be forbidding my DD to play with hers in the playground, whilst not actively encouraging the friendship. Engage in small talk and leave it at that, which is going to open the door to play date invitations when there was one that was retracted before easater that upset my DD Angry

What i really want to do is say "look, you blanked me for ages, upset my DD and made it perfectly clear you didnt want a friendship, so now the shit has hit the fan you want to try and wheedle information out of me that i dont have anyway and try and get my DD to play with your DD again because she now has no one to play with, so please do me a favour and fuck the fuck off"

What i WILL do is just try and avoid avoid but it does annoy the hell out of me, she has just texted asking after my mother - like she gives a flying fuck Hmm

OP posts:
doormat · 01/05/2012 13:01

YANBU ..this woman sounds the lowest of the low..a backstabbing user...steer clear like you have done

Rhinosaurus · 01/05/2012 13:03

I would be tempted to ignore the texts and not respond at all, or just keep them brief and non-comittal, i.e. fine thankyou, no thanks it's not convenient type thing.

Is she still blanking you at school?

sugarice · 01/05/2012 13:03

I'd go with your second option. She'll do the same thing again in the future when it suits her so don't give her the opportunity.

Softlysoftly · 01/05/2012 13:04

Don't really understand the whole thing and can't unless you provide details of what actually happened originally and at school but I suppose my response would be YABU?

Yanbu just not to be friends with someone, you don't have to be, but you don't have to go in guns blazing with fuck off.

You and all the other mothers ABVU to "have issues with" and "forbid playing with" a young child, how fucking cruel for a group of adults to gang up on a small girl that way using their children, if she has issues then they need to be worked through with the school and support of friends not ostracised and shunned you horrible people.

Original poster
boringnickname · 01/05/2012 13:05

I do feel sorry for her - but there ARE issues with her DD that she needs to sort out (otherwise she will end up as toxic as her mother!) and it is very much a case of PFB to extreme degrees (there are circs that explain this but i dont want to say for fear of outing her) and she needs to facce up to things. But i just cannot be arsed, not after the way she has treated me and my DD. I feel really sorry for her DH who is a lovely guy and just got dragged into a whole playground spat.

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 01/05/2012 13:06

YANBU and I suppose you should just give her a wide berth but I'd tell her to f off I just know I wouldn't be able to help myself. In fact did this same thing a couple of weeks ago and don't care what people may say. I like to close a door "firmly" behind me Grin

Birdsgottafly · 01/05/2012 13:07

In situations such as yours ,i beleive in saying it like it is, so your second option.

I don't get why people are so scareed in saying how they feel. If someone is horrible to you, you don't have to maintain politeness.

I don't understand all this staying silent stuff, that is talked about across MN, humans developed the ability to communicate clearly for a reason, use it.

AllYoursBabooshka · 01/05/2012 13:07

You don't have to tell her to fudge off, Then you will be the bad guy. Just don't encourage things.

Or tell her truthfully that your daughter was very upset about the whole thing and you would rather not risk it happening again?

Original poster
boringnickname · 01/05/2012 13:09

I wish it was that simple, as she is so going to collar me on the playground - fuck

For all my firey talk behind closed doors and ranting on here, i hate upsetting people and i hate scenes Sad

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 01/05/2012 13:11

Don't worry so much, Just remember she caused the upset in the first place.

If she is upset by the truth it's not your fault.

Frontpaw · 01/05/2012 13:11

Hmmmm. She sounds like one of those people who need to be the star of their own personal soap opera. You maybe her best buddy today, but she may well hate you tomorrow.

Actually, she sounds like she is six years old. What happened with her child? my attitude is always to try to make up my own mind when people complain about others. I hope people aren't blowing some 'normal' childhood incident into something nastier/larger because they don't like the mother very much.

AThingInYourLife · 01/05/2012 13:11

I would pick option 1

But I would not resume the friendship, just stay polite and distant.

tutu100 · 01/05/2012 13:11

I remember your other thread. Is it possible ( and you'll know this from how she behaves) that the other Mum has realised how badly she has acted and is trying to build bridges with you? If so I would be tempted to resume some contact with her, but to be quite guarded for a while and as you say not encourage play dates between your children to start with.

I would also tell her how you feel about her upsetting your daughter so that if she really is trying to start afresh you are doing it openly and not harbouring any secret anger at her. You've got nothing to lose if you don't particularly want to be friends with her again.

You will know if this is a possible case. I guess I'm just thinking that maybe she has realised her behaviour was out of order and she's trying to reintegrate herself with the school mums. School gate politics can be very harsh sometimes and it is possible that if no one gives her another chance she could be ignored for the next 12 years.

ripsishere · 01/05/2012 13:13

FWIW, I understand exactly what you mean about the child without knowing the details. I've been in a similar situation with my DD and another girl.
If I were you, I'd ignore her attempts to make friends again.

FashionEaster · 01/05/2012 13:14

Is it not possible that she genuinely was busy before Easter, bogged down in issues at home/work, and did not have time for you - just in fact like you did over Easter with your poorly mum? Friendships can suffer when being pulled in all directions. And maybe this incident with her dd has shaken her up and realised that she can't step off fostering friendships for her own sake and for her dd's?

(Btw, you haven't given any detail that will out you, if you were concerned)

imnotmymum · 01/05/2012 13:14

Really depends if you actually really enjoyed her friendship in first place as to if it is worth rekindling?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/05/2012 13:15

I would go for option 2 but in a more civilised way. Just tell her that after the way she has treated you in the past you would rather just leave it and not go down the whole friend route again.

Maybe you will do her a favour, maybe she doesnt realise quite what a cow she is!

DogEared · 01/05/2012 13:15

I'd say something like "I was a bit upset that you decided to blank me all those times. I don't know what's change to make you want to be my friend again." Then stand there and wait to see what she says.

DaisySteiner · 01/05/2012 13:15

Is this the woman who got the hump when you jokingly said you'd have slapped her daughter? (Think I may be displaying a worryingly in depth knowledge for someone who only comes on MN when supposed to be studying Blush)

If so, I'd be cool but polite with her. And then, because I find it very difficult to maintain the hump with people, would probably end up being friends again. Up to you though, you were upset about it at the time and wanted to stay friends. People are weird, but just because they have some bad traits that doesn't mean they're not worth being friends with.

Birdsgottafly · 01/05/2012 13:17

For all my firey talk behind closed doors and ranting on here, i hate upsetting people and i hate scenes

Your DD was deliberately upset by her, though.

We need (as women) to learn that if people are not nice to us, it is fine to not be nice back and if they are upset, they may reconsider how they behave.

If you do allow her back into your lives, make sure that she is only given one chance, otherwise you are passing the message on 'not to upset people' regardless of their behaviour and take other people's crap.

oldraver · 01/05/2012 13:19

I would be tempted to just tell her what you want to say but would probably be too chicken.

If you become pally with her again, would this affect how other parents see your daughter and then keep their dc's away form your DD as well ?

wannaBe · 01/05/2012 13:27

I think it's fine to not speak to someone if you feel you no longer want to engage with the friendship for whatever reason. I would actually not tell her to f* off because that's not my style - I would just politely say "no sorry, things are far too busy at the moment," and then leave it.

However, I am a bit Hmm at parents forbidding their children from playing with this woman's daughter. A, children need to learn how to make their own judgements about others and B, these are small children, it is really quite nasty to take that line. You say that this woman is being pfb, well what kinds of parents "forbid" their child from playing with another child.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/05/2012 13:30

Wannabe - my DS had a "friend" who used to kick him, spit at him and hit him. I forbade him to mix with him and when his mum asked me if I had done that I told her the truth! I send DS to school to learn and mix socially, I do not send him in there to be spat at! I dont think that makes me precious at all......DS didnt want to mix with this boy anyway but he was too scared to tell him he didnt want to play with him in case it "set him off".

boredandrestless · 01/05/2012 13:31

I remember your other thread - and think to fully understand the situation it helps to have the backstory on what has previously happened with this woman. I wouldn't be classing her as a friend anytime in the future so would either be BLUNT about it and tell her why, or be polite but distant, and not allow a 'friendship' to build back up. She's not a good person and I wouldn't want her in my life.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2012 13:35

I remember your posts. I would just ignore her. Dont respond to texts, dont allow her to corner you in the playground. Just make your excuses and be non-committical with her.