To actually just tell this woman to f*** off!

[boringnickname]

Brief background - have been friends with this woman since DD started school, something happened (dont ask me what) and she has pretty much blanked me since before easter. I actually asked her if I had upset her (was brushed off with - oh no, ive been busy) fine. Time to move on (i did post a whole thread about this before if anyone can be arsed to look) Based on advice on here, just sucked it up, moved on, tried to encourage DD with new friendships.

Something happened at school, other parents complained about her DD and forbid their children to play wiht her - basically the shit hit the fan. This woman reacted badly (i imagine she was v upset to be fair). This had nothign to do with me, but both other women told me about it - I had had issues with the child before but had let it go as it seemed to have blown over.

During the easter break my mother was taken ill and we have had a very worrying time. I had told this person about this and not once did she ask how she was etc. Even when i spoke to her in the playground one day.

But now she wants to be my friend again - now im getting texts askin me for coffee, she texted to ask how my mother is (im so going to out myself here . So she has gone from pretty much blatantly blanking me and upsetting my DD. To wanting to be my friend (So she can slag off other parents, re-establish friendship between the DDs).

The grown up in me just thinks - just kindly tell her you would rather not be involved in the playground hoo ha, but that I wont be forbidding my DD to play with hers in the playground, whilst not actively encouraging the friendship. Engage in small talk and leave it at that, which is going to open the door to play date invitations when there was one that was retracted before easater that upset my DD

What i really want to do is say "look, you blanked me for ages, upset my DD and made it perfectly clear you didnt want a friendship, so now the shit has hit the fan you want to try and wheedle information out of me that i dont have anyway and try and get my DD to play with your DD again because she now has no one to play with, so please do me a favour and fuck the fuck off"

What i WILL do is just try and avoid avoid but it does annoy the hell out of me, she has just texted asking after my mother - like she gives a flying fuck

Daisysteiner No, thats not me Joke about slappin someones child Nup, definately not me - missed that thread!

She finally texted me telling me all about it, i just texted back and said sorry that this was happening but i just dont want to get involved. Left it at that. Was nice about it though

Option 2 but a nice version. Basically, I think it's better if we just stay casual acquaintances. Mainly because if you allow a 'friendship' to start up again, your DD will probably get hurt again when it all goes sour, which it will (not to mention her getting some very mixed messages about allowing people to treat you like poo...)

The issues with the other children are being dealt with by the school. I have not told my DD not to play with this child, i would rather she wouldn't as this girl can be spiteful and manipulative and has upset my DD alot in the past. I have told my DD that if people are kind to play with them, if they are not kind, to keep away. What the other two parents do is nothing to do with me. There has been bullying going on and it has all come to a head. Hopefully now the head teacher has become involved it will all sort itself out. I do not want my daughter involved with that - I think here must have been alot of arguments going on because my DD has been coming home saying that she has played on her own, through choice which is difficult to hear.

wannabe "You say that this woman is being pfb, well what kinds of parents "forbid" their child from playing with another child" the answer of course is other pfb parents! The situation is very difficult, i do understand their reactions but FWIW i think its a pretty crap thing to do, and have vascillated between really very sorry for this woman and her daughter and sort of justified because this girl has bullied my child both emotionally and physically in the past. This has all blown up because the child has done it to other children and the parents went to the school about it. I didn't go to the school at the time becuase i was at the "if this happens again im going to the school" stage and DD insisted that the other girl was being kind to her again so i felt it better to let it drop. Then the mother seemed to take against me for some reason, i suppose i will never know why but i do know that im not fool enough to be sucked back in just because of an unfortunate situation that has arisen with other parents/children.

FWIW YANBU imv. You aren't forbidding your dd to play with the other little girl so are not contributing to the playground gang up happening around the school gates.

However I would clearly state - I'm afraid your rather unreasonable behaviour upset both myself and my daughter. My offer of friendship was declined by you and I am doing the same. However if you are happy for the girls to mix let her know her dd is welcome for after school playtime etc (if she is) or whatever it may be.

PPs are right, there is no need to involve the girls unless an incident calls for stepping in but there is also no need to bow to a drama queen who is a blatant user that will in the fullness of time upset you and DD again as it suits her agenda. She can fuck off without being told to fuck off.

Why not meet for a coffee, neutral ground, and lay your cards on the table, say ,

"Look I have been a little hesitant in reestablishing our friendship, as over the last few months your behaviour has been a little erratic, and I have found it hard to deal with, I understand you are having a hard time, is there anything I could do to support you?"

She might really appreciate the chance to talk things through, or she might chuck all her toys out of the pram, but you will of given the relationship a chance and set the ground rules.

It's worth a shot isn't it, I know that some of my strongest friendships over the years have been born out of turning points where some straight talking has been had to be had in order to continue.

Sorry, didn't see your last post OP.

Your priority is your DD - keeping a dignified distance from the ''gangup'' is one thing but your DD being isolated is quite another. As the school, and her own mother hopefully, are dealing with the problems this other girls has/has caused then it is absolutely appropriate to let your little girl know she doesn't have to put up with people being unkind (bar standard transient playground politics).

Personally I wouldn't not mention other girl being given a wide bearth when nasty just because some people think it's unfair to the other child. If it is hurting my child she needs to know it's ok to say no to behaviour like that. Particularly if you have a kind child that is eager to please - they sometimes can't separate manners and trying to be nice to their 'friends' from allowing themselves to get treated badly.

What is OP actually going to do? Step in and administer therapy? Sort out this kids issues by virtue of playdate? Are other parents ganging up - maybe a bit too much BUT their children are being bullied and if they are not being nasty to the girls face then it is absolutely within their rights to protect their child first. They have gone to the school, what more is to be done? I would advise my kiddo to steer clear until mean child is less of a bully. The school and child's mother/parents are the one's to deal with this. As long as the adults are saying nothing to this other child then the only reason it can hurt her feelings is if she is lonely because she bullied all the other kids away - the school should be stepping in to reign in mother and help child. Without my child being made miserable at school in the process.

Thanks NicNocJnr - i think it pretty much sums it up. I think in the circumstances I would have done the same as the other parents did (i dont want to say too much because i dont want to be outing anyone). Hopefully this will be the kick up the bum the other mother needs to challenge her DDs behaviour (there have been lots of incidents over the years and she always looks to blame other children). But as far as the friendship goes - im no longer interested. If the girls are friends, fine, but that is as far as it goes.

It's a sucky one for sure boring - it is a shame for this little girl undoubtedly but if you do nothing it continues to her detriment and your dd's detriment. If you say something then mum/child may well get unhappy.

I have always thought school is secondary to parents - it's our job, end of- but in cases where mum seems to be causing these issues school can be invaluable as a resource for helping the child work on improving, an 'authority' to advice mum/parents but also resource to help and support for mum - it sound like she's well past mum:mum help and wouldn't hear it anyway.

As far as I can see this is the way that helps the most - kids happier, mum helped, other child still included at your home if appropriate and later on if she holds her hands up then she could have a valuable friend in you but at this point you are doing the best thing I think.

Unless you are secretly a psychologist and holding out on us, lol!

Ugh, this is why I have chocolates!!

lol Im not a psychologist no lol

I do feel sad for the girl, i think her relationship is too exclusive. The mother has admitted to me herself that they are thick as theves to the exclusion of her dad. She "gossips" with her about other children and some of the things the little girl says are not age appropriate.

To be fair to the other mothers, they, ironically don't have a problem with this mother (well they do now!) they were just looking out for their own DDs. I didn't have problem with her (although i knew what she was like, i enjoyed her company so gave her benefit of doubt) but she clearly had one with me and was pretty spiteful, indirectly to my DD. Inviting her on playdate then cancelling (via the DD) for no apparent reason "my mummy says you can't come round my house now"

My DP thinks she has MH issues (not in a nasty way - i have had serious MH issues so he isn't judging) but im not a social worker or counsellor.

I replied politely to her text but it was pretty dismissive, i think she has got the message.

oh and this is why i have wine!!!

DaisySteiner, no that was me, (stilling). This one is nowt to do with me! And yes, that is a worryingly in-depth knowledge of MN, you naughty student, you

So can I stick my twopennorth in? I have always been a fan of honest communication so I would tell her honestly - you don't really want to be her friend anymore as she blanked you for no reason and really upset you and your DD. You can then gauge her reaction and move on from there. She might apologise and say she didn't mean to upset you and wants to be friends, she might storm off in a huff!

I'm not a fan of this fobbing off - we'll see, maybe next week, etc. I think it's just torturing people and prolonging the situation for no reason - just tell people what you mean.

Hope you get the end result you want xxx

Ignore- sounds very much like a woman I know, hot and cold behaviour telling her DD to not play with certain other kids etc, they never change, it will never end well

Eigh, that's not good now is it? Not fair on the little girl to be tacitly encouraged to develop opinions and judgements about other kids based on 'what mummy thinks' and be moulded to fit, what very much sounds like, mummy's non-judgemental friend. Shame indeed, she's a wee one - there's time enough for all that nonsense when she's a teen.

I think mum needs help - whether she has a MH problem or just a boundary problem I think she is using her little girl inappropriately as a yes man friend. Maybe she's lonely because she drove all her friends away with this kind of behaviour - now mini me is being made the same way - maybe she's a sweet soul underneath it all but just can't process the info and judgement calls she's required to make as such a young child. Who wouldn't choose mum over anyone else?

I still maintain my opinion that enabling or approval of this behaviour will not help mum realise the score and will undo some good that could come out of things. It smacks of dreadful insecurity - she has dreadful self esteem and needs constant reassurace she's worth sticking around for, sadly this only leads to this sort of emotionally manipulative behaviour - if she can act badly and everyone come running back, she's obviously worth it. IDK seems that way inclined. Once she's seen the way the land lies maybe she could be worth supporting on condition there's no more silliness but right no - nope. Fool me once and all that.

Boring I can remember your last thread. Personally l would rebuff her advances with vague excuses though can understand how tempting it would be to be very honest! She will get the message and you are allowing her to keep some superficial dignity. You could well have years of standing next to her in the queue for pick-up so no need to make yourself feel uncomfortable after a heart to heart/big showdown. I think you will always question her motives now and wonder if she could be twisting your words. Keep a polite distance, I would say.

Bumped into her last night, i was stressed and busy so made my excuses - then she texted me telling me to watch my back (ffs, where do we live, he bronx?)and she was only trying to warn me what bitches he others were! and i said that i had alot on, again that i didnt want to get involved, she sent me a text back and said that she wouldn't bother me again If looks could kill on the playground this morning - and that was from her husband

Apparently this has all turned very nasty between the other parents, i have said to everyone that i dont want to know details, that way i wont get dragged in, but OMG!!!

How pathetic and how sad for their child. Agree OP she's desperately reaching out for an ally and it's best to keep well back. Her hubby can go suck one too, if he actually grew some and made it clear she had an inappropriate relationship with DD they wouldn't be alienating everyone. He probably treated like rubbish too or a complimentary drama lover that fans her flames.

Ugh- who needs it.

How awful. Just keep your distance from her and anyone talking about this situation.

Telling her to fuck off may lance the boil of resentment but is likely to leave you feeling bad.

Better to take the dignified approach, text her back and say thanks for your messages but no to meeting up.

And leave it at that.

What can she possibly do that is more annoying than the current situation?