Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop a contact day

29 replies

FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 09:46

My stbxh and I split ten months ago. He currently has our 4dc every Friday night, Saturday and Sunday, returning them Monday morning. This was because I had a weekend job. He also wanted to take two on a wed night and the other two on the following wed. Alternating between them.

However my 4dc are aged 7,5,3 and two and every Wednesday that he takes two and not the other two there are tears from the two not going and if it's the younger two, they have no concept of going the following Wednesday. I think it's cruel and I want it to stop. He says I am trying to cut his time with them because I am being petty and they are old enough to 'learn'. I absolutely hate seeing the kids upset and think that the whole weekend should be plenty. I hate not getting to see then every weekend but I also have to work. AIBU to stop Wednesday's?

OP posts:
DELHI · 01/05/2012 09:55

Why can't he have all 4 every other Wednesday? then he has same amount of time with them and dcs aren't split up.

MoonlightandRoses · 01/05/2012 09:57

Could he maybe take them on a Thursday instead? That way, it's easier to explain to the little ones they get special time with you that night and there is not such a big gap to them seeing their father for the week-end.
It would also probably be easier for them, rather than going back to you for one night, and then back to him again.

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 09:58

That was what I suggested. However he refused saying that if he took out second child to her karate class (falls on a wed evening) then he wouldn't be collecting the younger two until near on half six, then with a half hour drive out to his, it would be bedtime, so there is no point. He insists it has to be one pair or the other Sad

OP posts:
MrGin · 01/05/2012 09:59

Hmm. Well you could reasonably argue that as he has them every weekend it's fair enough that you have them all week.

I assume he has a reason for only taking them two at a time on Wednesdays ? And ( again ) I assume you don't want him to come to yours every Wednesday to spend time with all of them which might be a solution ?

I wouldn't frame it as him being cruel though, he sounds like he's putting a fair amount of effort and time into his dc.

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 09:59

this is very rough on you OP, you miss every weekend and a week night?

I am all for 50/50 but this is hard on you

renegotiate x

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/05/2012 10:00

It sounds like he has your dc far more than you do, and that will only get worse if they are not all at school yet.

My ex has our two on three Saturday nights out of four, old one Friday night out of four. That's not set in stone though because we are flexible, but hes a great Dad and they love spending time with him. Even with that I already feel that I never get any decent amount of time with my dc, all I seem to do is get them ready for school or fed and ready for bed.

I would definatly try and get more time with your dc. Tell him to bog off when he says you are trying to give him less time with his dc, what about your time with your dc!

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:01

The reason he wanted Wednesdays moonlight is because he wants to take my dd2 to her karate sometimes. He said with alternating we both get to take her and both have some bonding time with two. However my previous job ended when the company went under and I now work 4 nights a week, with different shifts each week. I can't guarantee I can be off on set days. I personally just think every weekend is lots of contact and the school week just doesn't need to be disrupted.

OP posts:
Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:06

Mrgin. Last Wednesday he told me he was taking the boys, my younger two. After school the girls asked me of they were going to dads, I repeated what he said, that it was the boys turn and they would go next week. I then was working that Wednesday night and my mum watched the kids. He turned up and told my dd1 she could come, to go get her shoes on. Which she did. He then told her he had changed his mind and it wasn't fair on the boys as it was their turn. If that isn't cruel I don't know what is. He is a good father in some ways, but also doesn't think things through and can be irresponsible.

Having him in the house isn't an option. We split because of dv and he has gone for me since when allowed in the house.

OP posts:
bowerbird · 01/05/2012 10:09

OP first of all congratulations for putting your children's interests ahead of everything else. Reading between the lines I feel you have not tried to limit access - if anything you have bent over backwards to try to make it work, for the sake of the kids. That's a rare and wonderful thing.

But I agree with you about the split Wednesday - it's a bizarre arrangement that's clearly distressing for DC's who are still very very young, and I think you're right to want to put a stop to it.

However, to maintain a civilised relationship with your ex (which in the long run is easier on you and on everyone), you must try and include him in the decision. Perhaps you might meet him for a drink or coffee on neutral ground. Explain your concern, but preface everything with the assurance that you are definitely not trying to cut his time and that he's a great dad and important to the kids, blah blah... You are going to have to be a diplomat.

There will inevitably be MN posters who will say "tell him to fuck off". Ignore them. The positive thing here is that the kids have a dad who wants them fully in his life. Fathers can be paranoid about access and not without reason (I'm not implying anything about your behaviour here, but it's common enough for women to use their kids as weapons) .

Try to work with him, calmly, with as much generosity as you can muster. In the end, it is your decision. But try to make it appear as if it's a joint one.

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:13

Bowerbird, I have never wanted anything else but the kids to have a good relationship and contact with their father. I feel sad and guilty most of the time because I don't see the kids as much as I like and with then away every weekend I rarely even get quality time with them, between cleaning, school and nursery runs, cooking, getting ready for work. I have to work though for financial reasons but am starting a college course in September, one night a week, to hopefully be able to get a better job with better hours when the kids are a little older.

I have only ever blocked access once when he was very obviously stoned on coming to collect them Sad I would never block access without very good reason.

OP posts:
Debsbear · 01/05/2012 10:14

He sounds like a great Dad who is trying to spend as much time with his children as he possibly can. I wish there were more like him. I do understand that you want quality time with your children as well, but don't knock him for wanting the same. Is there anyway that you can make Wenesday evenings, with the 2 that he doesn't have, a really "special" time. Have a game playing evening or a film night with popcorn or something rather than the usual routine. Maybe the reason that the 2 who are left behind is more to do with the fact that they enjoy time with their Dad than not being with their siblings. Alternatively, see if he would take all four of them just once, so they can see how it DOESN'T work. If he is running round after the oldest all night and the little ones would end up going straight to bed then they may not want to do it again.

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:18

I can't guarantee that I won't be working on a wed debbear. It's most certainly because they adore their dad that they get so upset.

I will add that I also have issues over the segregation. My older two are both girls with 14 months between them. My younger two are both boys with 16 months between them. I feel that the fact he takes them in each pair has reinforced to the kids that they are a set of two each rather than a group of four. My eldest has said to me before that she only plays with her sister because she is a girl and the boys should just play with each other Sad I obviously do what I can to discourage that mentality but I can't help but think the Wednesday thing reinforces her thinking.

OP posts:
bowerbird · 01/05/2012 10:18

Fate I understand the sadness of not seeing your kids as much as you like, but stop with the guilt. You sound heroic to me.

akaemmafrost · 01/05/2012 10:22

He has them three weekend nights, which let's face it are the best nights, every weekend. Yes I would drop the Wednesday and I wouldn't be feeling guilty about it either.

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:31

I would also add that despite him wanting Wednesdays, in the Easter holidays for both Wednesday's, he didn't take any of them, with no reason given as to why not. I want the kids to have consistency where possible as the younger two especially are so young. Not meaning to drip feed but the whole situation with Wednesday's is a bit messed up really.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 01/05/2012 10:33

Seriously, drop them, it's not working for anyone but him out of the 6 of you.

Debsbear · 01/05/2012 10:35

Confused If you are possibly working on a Wednesday and you don't want them to go to their Dad's, who is looking after them?

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:37

My mother or my housemate. The issue is not that I don't get to see them on a Wednesday. It's about the upset the two at a time causes, the segregation and inconsistency. Summarised.

OP posts:
Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:39

Though if I am not working on a we'd, it would be one of the few nights I get to spend with them.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/05/2012 10:43

I think two things are being confused here.

Paternal contact and childcare.

Can you not sort out suitable childcare and then the Paternal contact?

It's great that he has the kids as much as he does but it sounds like it could all fall down like a pack of cards if you're relying on him for childcare too IYSWIM?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 01/05/2012 10:45

Drop it. He has more contact than you and he is being obstructve...it's not the best arrangement for the kids....I agree that he is splitting them into two groups at a very impressionable age. I am irritated on your behalf op!

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 10:49

I don't rely on him for childcare. I did when I had the weekend job as the situation was different back then with my mother and I didn't have a housemate at the time either. Between my mother and housemate there is no need for him to do childcare. I can sometimes have a night off at the weekend, this week I am working tue, thur, Saturday night and Sunday day time for example, so I have Friday and Sunday night off. But for the last 9 months the kids have been going to his and they, including him are happy with that. I am not, but as I said, I want consistency for the kids and next weekend I could be working an entirely different pattern.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/05/2012 10:54

Would it be easier if they lived with their Dad and you had them on your weekends off/midweek days off?

I mean would that make it more consistent for them?

Would your ex be ok with that?

Original poster
FateLovesTheFearless · 01/05/2012 11:04

I dont get a full weekend off. I am prepared to keep the every weekend as that is they way it's always been. I had a job that I worked every friday and sat night until 4am in the morning, that's how it came about.

I would rather stop working before have my kids live away from me. However four kids cost a lot and he pays their dinner money each month (comes to £80) I have a lot more to pay for.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 01/05/2012 11:07

Do you have every other Wednesday off? If not, how do you take dd to karate every other week?

If he wants to take her to karate every other week, can't he just take her and return her home, and stick to the 3 nights a week. If it's upsetting the kids, it isn't fair.