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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get frustated with DP's obsessive tendancies about trivial non issues?

42 replies

FreezingFeet · 01/05/2012 08:55

So I'm due to go to DPs house at the weekend. He mentioned last week that he'd like us to get some massage oils in so he can give me a massage. Ok. But BOOM!! that's it ... we now MUST get the massage oils in. Constant references to it "did you get some massage oils? oh no" disaster! I'll have an emergency shop for some! where can I get some? we're running out of time to get any delivered! what are we going to do???" err how about chill the fuck out? I am highly stressed and just want to collapse on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a takeaway. Yet he manages to make the massage thing a huge chore and headache. He does this with everything.
I suggested I might cook us a satay last weekend. Didn't expect to hear anything about it again but BOOM!! it has become an obssession "did you get the ingredients for that satay? have you looked at this website? have you thought about putting this in the satay? have you thought about how to start the satay off? what time will we be eating the satay? shall I bring something? what goes with satay? Should I help? look what I've found about Satay on the internet .... Seriously, fuck off with the satay. You've ruined it for me now, I'm bored of it before I've even started it!!

He honestly does it with everything. He turns the most tranquil things into a huge headache. Anyone else's OH like this or is he as weird as I think??

OP posts:
chipsandmushypeas · 01/05/2012 08:57

Mine can get obsessed about things needing to be done, like bills etc but it doesn't affect me.

Yours does sound a little OTT to be honest. Tell him to chill out.

Olive oil works fine btw

ChaosTrulyReigns · 01/05/2012 09:00

Could you massage him to help him relax?

[helpful]

hiddenhome · 01/05/2012 09:02

Does he have aspergers? This sounds very like ds1 who has mild aspergers.

tanfastic · 01/05/2012 09:03

Sorry I know I shouldn't laugh but your post made me chuckle.

Tell him to take a chill pill ffs!

HeathRobinson · 01/05/2012 09:03

YANBU. He sounds a bit nervous, maybe, like he wants everything to be perfect.
Have you got together recently?

SydSaid · 01/05/2012 09:06

You can use olive or sunflower oil for massage, or body lotions.

No need to buy overpriced 'massage' oil.

Original poster
FreezingFeet · 01/05/2012 09:07

No we've been together over a year. He does it with everything. Like when he got his new car he went on and on and on about car insurance for 3-4 weeks. Even when he'd got it sorted he still kept getting quotes on the internet from other companies just so he could compare how much he'd saved. It gets really, really boring to be honest.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 09:08

YANBU... It's weird behaviour. Not just the random obsessions but the fact that it always seems to be you acting as delivery girl for the items in question. I'd be planning a future without Mr Scary.

YonWhaleFish · 01/05/2012 09:09

One of my ex's was like this, we split up in the end, he had no mental health issues, he was just odd.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 01/05/2012 09:11

Run, run now if he thinks miles per gallon is a scintillating topic of conversation.

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 09:11

This is immensely tiring to be around, because he doesn't just get obsessed himself, he wants you to be obsessed too and spend your whole week running around responding to his current issue. I would be seriously rethinking the relationship, as basically it won't change, and you have to decide if you can live with it (and with children it would be horrendous, if that's on the cards).

justmatureenough2bdad · 01/05/2012 09:12

are you sure he isn't just anxious to please you...he seems like a nice guy tho...you are stressed and he wants to massage you and make you dinner....and maybe he just wants it to be perfect!
surely, irritating tho it may, on occasion, be, it is better than saying "oh i want to give you a amassage at the weekend" and then, come the weekend...."oh i forgot..." or, "i'll make dinner tonight" and then, come evening time, "oh we don't have x,y or z to make dinner with"

ShatnersBassoon · 01/05/2012 09:17

That does sound really tiresome. How does he react when you tell him you don't want to hear about the satay again (for example)?

EnjoyResponsibly · 01/05/2012 09:18

I have this image of him trying to massage you whilst you twitch and rock with irritation.

Look, it's time for The Chat. Chill the fuck out or fuck the fuck off.

You've invested a year, don't waste more if it's not working out.

Id have reached for the axe over the repeated mention of satay personally, but it's possible I'm a teensy bit irritable generally.

cocolepew · 01/05/2012 09:20

My DD is like this, if she does know a complete timetable of whats going on or isn't sure you're doing what you said you would, she gets very anxious. Spontaneity is not her friend.

She has mild Aspergers and anxiety issues.

OneHandFlapping · 01/05/2012 09:20

Why are you the one tasked with getting the massage oil, or the satay ingredients?

A massage or dinner cooked is not much of a treat for you if you have to do alol the running around. It sounds as if he is using the promise of treats to control what you do.

SodoffBaldrick · 01/05/2012 09:22

Woah. Passion-killer.

Does he realise he's dull as dishwater? How have you put up with it for so long?

This is one of those basic incompatibilities. Not a big deal early on when you think you can drone him out, but akin to water torture as you come to realise that the more you try to drone him out, the more impossible the persistent buzzing is to ignore... :(

As soon as you start to find your partner annoying it's the beginning of the end, IME.

cabbagesoup · 01/05/2012 09:23

You've just described my dad - he has OCD.. he will plan meals 6 months in advance of a gathering, stress about what food to buy, what time are we eating, I'm so used to it now we just answer the questions like it's normal to plan meals months ahead - he does the internet thing, checks weather / flights / everything that he can check.

He also drives anywhere he needs to go before he needs to be there, so say he has an appointment with the hospital he will drive there the day before to check he knows the way!! he gets so nervous and stressed on family occasions that he's no fun when the event happens.

Himalaya · 01/05/2012 09:24

Is he self-aware about it? Does it bother him that small things play on his mind so much?

My DH does this a bit (not quite to the same extent though), but he is also self aware about it and tries go curtail things getting out of hand.

You can do Cognative Behavior Therapy for anxiety and obsessions, or take anti-depressants.

chipsandmushypeas · 01/05/2012 09:25

Imagine if you were to have dcs with his man! Christ on a bike he would be unbearable

Ragwort · 01/05/2012 09:25

Was it you who posted about your DP & you having to have a shower together (or something like that) at a specific time and getting all stressed out about whether or not it would happen? (apologies if I have got the wrong poster).

Surely all he needs to do is go to a shop and buy any old some oil, he sounds needy and incredibly hard work.

I would have thought a night in on your own with a good book, take-away and a bottle of wine would be much more relaxing Grin.

wordfactory · 01/05/2012 09:27

Oh the tipping point between enthusiastic and obssessed...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/05/2012 09:30

Leaving aside internet diagnosis - is he happy being like this? And does he know he's doing it? I'd be asking him if he realizes, and if he's actually feeling as stressed/hyper as he comes across.

The thing is, some people are quite happy being like this. Both my parents are. It drives me nuts, but they will quite contentedly spend a couple of weeks obsessing together over the tiny details of a decision. Because they both (more or less) enjoy it to the same degree, it's ok.

The point then would be, you don't enjoy this - if he does, maybe you're not that compatible?

Original poster
FreezingFeet · 01/05/2012 09:31

But it's not a treat though, I don't even "want" to be massaged. A quick rub of the shoulders yeah - but a full on lets get all naked - this will take an hour or so and hopefully turn to sex - massage - NO. I just want to chill out. I want to sit in my pyjamas (but oh no, I'm not allowed!!!) and watch a shit film - a film I don't have to think about because I'm up to here ((signals above head)) with thinking and revising and stressing and exams and shit going on ALL THE FUCKING TIME I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

OP posts:
CrumpettyTree · 01/05/2012 09:34

My mum is exactly like this and it is exhausting.