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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking that this person is dangerous

30 replies

Facebookhurtsmybrain · 30/04/2012 20:31

I've know this woman for about a year and recently stopped all contact with her. She started texing the guy I was seeing and he was texting her back. When she finally told me she said some awful things which has really knocked my confidence i.e. "your lover told me he felt sick when you took your clothes off" and "your lover wished he was with me when he was making love to you". I confronted him and he said that he had text her but not said those things (she had made it up) and was sorry... but the damage had been done and I don't believe him. We split up over her.

Since cutting all ties with this woman, and tbh it was very easy as she doesn't have many friends and doesn't mix with my friends, she has now started emailing my friends on fb and is trying to befriend them. I now have 5 friends in common with her and she didn't know them before. I've asked some of them why they accepted her as a friend and they didn't have a clue who she was and just clicked yes.

Today one of my friends told me she had sent them an email asking stuff about me and another friend told me she had said some stuff about me and they had blocked her.

I don't know what to do as she seems hell bent on disrupting my life as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this woman is dangerous and how do I get her out of my life?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 20:47

Well, firstly, I would contact my fb friends and tell them what you have told us and ask them not to give her any information about you.

Then I would consult the police - she is starting to stalk you.

Potentially warn your employer, too.

Sorry this is happening to you - she sounds scary.

ErikNorseman · 30/04/2012 20:47

She's only dangerous if she has a way in to your life. Message the friends she has 'friended' explainIng what she is about, then block her so she can't access your friends. She sounds bizarre to say the least.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 20:57

Meant to add that I would ask my friends to delete her. They don't know her so it shouldn't be a problem. I would increase all my security settings too, so she cannot see or comment on my posts.

HecateTrivia · 30/04/2012 21:03

She sounds insanely jealous of you. Sorry you're having to deal with her.

In your shoes, I'd actually keep records. Just in case you have to make a complaint about her. You could perhaps have a chat with the police, see what they advise

You might want to make sure your friends and family know that you need to record everything she is doing, so that they can help you by disclosing what she's saying to them.

comedycentral · 30/04/2012 21:05

Keep records and call the non emergency police number (101) for advice.

Shriekable · 30/04/2012 21:06

Tell them she is a potential psycho. It always amazes me when people accept total strangers as fb 'friends'. Make sure she has no way into your inner circle, hopefully that might make her lose interest. Write down everything you have been told she's doing/saying, including dates - you might need it if things escalate and the police get involved.

Original poster
Facebookhurtsmybrain · 30/04/2012 21:10

The problem is that I used to work in television so a lot of my friends are in the public eye. The ones she has added are tv presenters and although I've asked them if they know her I really don't want to start going round telling people to delete her, as it will make me look like the mad one. I've blocked her and put on my status that if you get a friend request from this woman not to accept and since I've put that 3 people have said they had one but ignored it as they didn't know her.

The whole time I knew her I only met one other friend, she only talked about her friends when she was telling me how they did her wrong. I introduced her to mine and invited her to parties and nights out. She had a BBQ once and asked me to invite my friends (which I didn't) and there was only me, my bf and her neighbour there. The warning signs were there I was just too kind to cut her off sooner.

OP posts:
GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 30/04/2012 21:15

What Karma said really.
Block her, warn your friends, make sure 'friends of friends' can't see anything on your fb, call the police for a chat. Record everything.
Hope you're ok.

Original poster
Facebookhurtsmybrain · 30/04/2012 21:36

I'm ok, it's just hard hearing all those things. I haven't even cried about it all yet. On the positive side I'm thinking my life must be pretty great if she wants to take it over and be me so much. I don't have a negative view of my body, even though she is trying to make me because I know that my bf loved my body, I'm 5 10 size 12 and have an amazing arse... so I've been told.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 30/04/2012 21:39

You should copy and paste your post and send it to ALL your FB Friends and def inform you employer (and make sure it's recorded).

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 30/04/2012 22:25

I don't doubt for a second your arse is fabulous! Grin

Seriously though, try to not let her upset you, and take the chance to nip it in the bud with protecting yourself and your privacy as much as possible. And please do speak to the police, they may have advice we've not thought of.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/04/2012 22:41

Definitely check your privacy on FB including for photos etc. I would have a discrete chat to those people who are friends with her on FB as I'm sure if they're in the public eye they'll be wary of stalkers too.

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 09:57

start tracking stuff. save emails, messages and texts

also ask close friends to forward or take screen prints of her emails about u

fight fire with fire OP

you can report her if this continues

EldritchCleavage · 01/05/2012 10:45

Apart from keeping a record of what she does and warning your friends, please please ignore her. I think people like this feed off the reactions they get. She seems not to have much of a life, so getting a rise of of you would be a key interaction for her.

Original poster
Facebookhurtsmybrain · 01/05/2012 14:32

The last 6 messages she has sent me I've replied with
I will enter into no further conversation with you. I think I'm beginning to see how desperate she's trying to get a reaction from me Eldritch.

I'm keeping all her emails, let's hope she gives up soon. Thanks Gravy and all.

OP posts:
PleaseTakeOffYourJimmyChoos · 01/05/2012 14:41

Face-first of all she is sounds VERY jealous and insecure.Also she sounds like a bit of a 'fame tagging along wannabe'.Are you in the public eye?
What does she look like?Does she have an amazing career?

To tell you that your body made your ex p feel sick makes me Angry on your behalf!I would have slapped her I'm sure you handled it with FAR more dignity than I wouldSmile

EldritchCleavage · 01/05/2012 14:52

Blimey! Perhaps it's time to move to no response at all? Meantime, you could also mention it to your employer just in case she tries to cause trouble for you at work? Not wanting to panic you but she just might, so better if you've mentioned it first, even if only in a low-key way.

TheBestSeatInTheHouse · 01/05/2012 14:58

Seriously, listen to the advice you have had - stop finding reasons not to do as people suggest. Tell those people to block her. Tell people what is happening. Do not reply to any of her texts AT ALL. Block her number. Ask police for advice.

GoPoldark · 01/05/2012 15:10

Keep records.

if she keeps contacting, and 'I will enter into no further conversation with you' clearly isn't working, you could try a last reply with a smiley face and 'Do you know how pathetically jealous you look?' and then NO REPLY AT ALL to any further communication. Or (probably better) just stop replying from now, at all. Just keep records and report to police if the saddo doesn't desist soon.

oldraver · 01/05/2012 17:46

You need to tell her not to contact you again and then do not reply to her at all. If you need to take this further you will of had to of had no contact with her at all

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 01/05/2012 17:53

You don't have to ask people to delete her.

But I think you should send them all a message explaining that she doesn't know you, tell them what happened with your ex and say that she is now contacting people to spread lies about you or ask questions about you and is harassing you through texts and messages.

Then say it's up to them whether they want to keep her on their friends list but for your own protection you will have to remove yourself if they keep her and ask that they don't discuss you with her.

And tell them you are keeping a log of all her inappropriate actions for the police because you feel she is inappropriately focusing on you, perhaps stalking you, because of your previous job and your contacts in the industry.

Then carry out the threat. Keep evidence and report her to the police for harassment.

GateGipsy · 01/05/2012 18:12

Sorry if I've missed this but not sure if anyone has put this up in step by step.

On Facebook you need to make sure that there are two settings that are set to just Friends. Most people aren't aware of the second one (I wasn't until recently).

Click on the down pointing arrow on the right, then on Privacy Options. Click on the Custom icon. In the dialogue box that appears, select Friends only, and UNTICK the box next to Freinds of Friends can see photos that a Friend is tagged in.

Otherwise she will still be able to see any photos - and be able to like or comment on them - when you tag any friends that she's friends with.

TattyDevine · 01/05/2012 18:37

She sounds a nutter and there are things reminicent of when I had a boyfriend's ex stalking me (he ended up MARRYING her but that's another story and theyt do actually deserve each other!!! Grin Hmm

The thing you do with the message is right - I will enter into no further convo etc - you can follow that up with complete silence by the way.

You could consider "closing" your facebook account for several weeks/months till this blows over - these weirdo stalkers need to be "fed", a bit like internet trolls.

I would "warn" facebook friends, though what you have done sounds okay, when I have had similar messages off "real" facebook friends (only once tbh) I have done the same and blocked them

Hope all is well - these things do occasionally happen but only to FABULOUS INTERESTING people (so I tell myself) Grin

(its not fun though, I was taking valium for a few weeks because if I heard high heels clicking on a pavement it sent me into a panic attack and I'm not an "anxiety" person genreally speaking...

TattyDevine · 01/05/2012 18:38

And my lady-stalker rang my parents house 27 times on Christmas day to say I was a "slut" ??? (I was no such thing and I wasn't the "other woman", they were definitely split at the time and he got a restraining order against her at one point)

TattyDevine · 01/05/2012 18:39

Not saying "other women" are sluts