To not to have made it up with a friend?

[DameHannah]

Ok this is the situation. My friend has a reputation for rudeness. She will just suddenly turn on you and be bloody rude. In the past I've ignored it. We do enjoy each others company we walk our dogs together 4-5 times a week and meet for lunch shopping etc. Five weeks ago we were walking the dogs I was feeling very very stressed (I'm usually very chilled) because my mother was critically ill in hospital, she did know this because I told her when we met up, and my mind wasn't on my two dogs who were leads and one ran around the back of my friend and then in front of her and nearly not did trip her up. If she'd fallen she would have fallen onto soft wet grass. I had my mind on other things and was a bit slow to pull him back. She started shouting at me; "For God sake be careful, I hate those flexi leads, I could easily fall and break something" etc. Now because I was feeling mega stressed about my mother I saw red instead of letting it wash over like I normally would I thought about the many many times before that she'd been rude to me and shouted back! Something like "don't speak to me like that you know I'm feeling very stressed today."

We've not spoken since and I keep thinking about the other times she's been rude usually with no provocation (she is well known for this and has even acknowledged it herself) and she's also very critical of me she get annoyed/sulks if I'm a couple of minutes late for a walk e.g. 09.02 instead of 0900 I don't exaggerate but its only a dog walk, she thinks I over prioritise my DC's (she has no children or partner and is in her 50's). But I miss having someone to walk with!
I would like to go and speak to her and say that although I like her and enjoy walking with her on many times I find her exceedingly rude and hurtful and that it upset me and that I really don't want her to keep doing it but would like to make it up. Does this make sense?

If you want to try and make things up with her then do although from the sound of her I don't know why you want to and if you don't then don't.

Have that conversation if you feel it would help but since she has made no attempt to contact you in the past five weeks, even knowing that you had a lot on your mind and might need a bit of support, then I wouldn't hold out much hope that she will listen and change her ways.

Thank you thats a very valid point about her not contacting me despite the fact that she will know that I've been through a very very stressful period. She was completely amazed when I shouted back I think she's only ever seen me very chilled out.
Normally I'm pretty good at making these kind of decisions but because my mother has been very unwell my judgement is a bit clouded.

I hate those leads. This time i think you were in the wrong sorry.

Onemoreminute, yes, but what would've been wrong with her friend saying, "Ooops, careful, OP, I nearly broke my neck there!" The OP would then have responded with an apology and there wouldn't have been a problem.

OP, I wouldn't apologise. You didn't really say anything rude to her. She was sharp with you and you were sharp with her. It sounds as though she's used to being the rude one and used to people making allowances for her, too. Time she grew up.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. She knows you are under stress and hasn't bothered to contact you.

Time to find another walking partner and leave her to it.

Re the flexi lead they are irritating but I normally put it on dog a who stays glued to me and a normal lead on dog b but as my mind wasn't on it I accidentally put them on the wrong dogs. The moment before the quarrel I hesitated thinking about my mother who was a that moment having a large life saving operation and dog b carried on walking and of course being on the flexi lead carried on walking and round my friend etc. irritating for her but not intentional.
My DH thinks I should extend an olive branch not mention what happened as this will only result in a row but he also thinks if she rude again tell her to f**k off!

It's really not the lead that is the issue OP, so don't worry about it. Out of your entire first post I can't believe anyone would think that it was. Often when someone is behaving as your friend was you can reach a 'final straw' moment that catches everyone by surprise.

There are only so many chances you can give someone before they wear you out and you say enough is enough. Why give her one more opportunity if you have had enough now?

As I said before, if you really miss her and think she will change after you speak to her then go for it and try to sort things out.

But the cynic in me still feels that she has been waiting for five weeks for you to get in touch first, knowing what your family has been going through, rather than apologise to you and support you, because she isn't really a friend at all and wants to have you do the running and perhaps also the apologising.

And I think if you go back to her and say that she needs to change she will just turn this around and blame you rather than admit you are right and your friendship will either carry on in the one-sided way it always has or end completely anyway.

It always surprises me that people think they have endless chances to treat someone badly. I no longer see or speak to my PILs because of years of nasty comments and manipulative behaviour. They can't believe I won't give them a second chance but in reality it has been years of chances, many, many chances.

I've tried speaking to them before but it's never done any good. We've had years of spoilt Christmases and ruined holidays because they have thrown tantrums over not seeing us enough or not liking the gifts we gave them etc. Years of "do it our way or we want nothing to do with you."

When they brought my children into it and made cruel comments about our two babies who died I said enough was enough and now they are shocked because I have stuck to my word and cut them off. I'm not prepared to give them yet another chance to be cruel and upset me and now I am the bad guy because they feel it 'happened without warning and I won't give them a chance' when really they had eighteen months of pushing me to breaking point and ignoring all opportunities to make things better between us because it wasn't the way they wanted to do it.

They disowned us and are now surprised that I have taken them at their word and stopped seeing them. DH still speaks to them on the phone, but I'm done with them now.

Sometimes enough is enough, no hundredth second chances offered.

Just to look from the opposite POV. I don't think your friend was unreasonable to comment on the lead. Yes she sounds blunt, but that's just her way of speaking. It's not meant as rude, she's just being open and honest, and she'd have thought as a good friend you'd realise this, and understand it was just "spur of the moment" and not to dwell on. Part of friendship is to be able to say what you're thinking and know the other person will see it for how it's intended, and not be quick to take offence. Better than sugar-coating everything IMO.

As a "flexitimer" (often a bit late)! person myself, I personally think she's unreasonable to have a go at you for being late for dog-walking. But I've come to realise (on MN as much as anywhere else) that some people find lateness really rude and think it's a bit of an insult to the person kept waiting. So there are other ways of seeing it.

Hmmmm "just being honest" seems to be code for being as rude as they want these days with

The reason she's still rude in her 50's is because people put up with her entitled attitude.

I love my friends and the last thing I would want to do is hurt their feelings... you know, because of empathy, the thing that makes you feel bad when others feel bad. I can say 'dude, wtf was that?' or whatever it may be but there's a time and a place. I am usually thick skinned and a bit foot in mouth but if being told to stop being a dick doesn't hurt my feelings but I know it would hurt my friend's I would say 'that was a little harsh, we ok?' for instance.

I would also be kind with my words to a mate I knew was hurting, stressed or having a hard time - even if they're being a jerk. They have too much to deal with to get het up about something petty like this.

I do hate fucking flexileads for many reasons but anyway.

I would not put up with someone placing constant controlling demands on my company. It is rude to be late but 2 minutes could be a slow watch. Give me a quick bell and you can be late as you like. For the sake of company on a walk and coffee here and there I would call it quits. I would also explain why I couldn't tolerate this behaviour - in my time of need you couldn't cut me any slack, because it wasn't about you, not on.

If you want to salvage it you can try but tbh I would totally save my energy for a friend that replenished my energy rather than sucked the patience out of me. Maybe ending up wit hno friends and having it in black and white in front of her will give her pause for thought but this type of person ends up bitter and lonely because everyoone else is the arsehole.

My sympathies on your mother's illness OP.

Hmmmm "just being honest" seems to be code for people being as rude as they want. The issue is not the lead. The woman is smarting about being answered back. She sees herself as "top dog" in your friendship and thinks if she doesn't call you, you will sit at home worrying, and then start to feel as though it was your fault so will then call her to apologise (which she will then gratefully accept).

I don't think she was that rude in this situation tbh- sounds like the kind of emotional reaction you might have when you nearly get tripped up - but I do think she might have been more sensitive to your emotions but it sounds like she isn't the kind of person who is aware of other people's feelings- in which case I guess your outburst came as a complete shock.

On the timing stuff- by being late you are showing a lack of respect for her

"just being honest" seems to be code for people being as rude as they want"

Only if you decide to take it that way though - which might not be how it's meant. Could be as simple as a class/geographical difference in expectations.

No class/ geographical issues. My DH thinks she's a "risk adverse control freak" and I've just met a neighbour we live within 300 yards of each other who made a similar comment and has also experienced this rudeness and it had really upset her.
Her advise just be neighbourly no more than that.

Sometimes I will let the sting of hurt feelings just slide because I value the person and know they come to it with a good heart - they don't want to hurt me they're just a dolt and would feel just crap if they new how hard I took it. So I remind my self about that and don't take it so hard if I can or I'll say if it was a real zinger.

This woman? Lets be honest if you speak to a group of people that know her and they all say the same thing is it really you tht's being over sensitive about a misunderstanding? No it's her, she sees no reason to change her ways and make head space for others because she's got by just fine without exercising her verbal boll**ks filter for 50 years. Shame but not your problem. No apology more needed on your part, your circumstances were explained - if they weren't enough for the small scale of incident you describe that's her unkind standards. You have x years of goodwill but she can't cut you some slack?

Anyway number of times I've been on my arse from flexileads - who even cares? It happens with dogs, you might get tripped, pushed into, fall down a darn badger hole, go a over t on a tennis ball, someone can't apply their brakes or a friend has momentarily lost focus and the lead touched the back of your legs. Don't walk a sentient creature that delights in speed and play if you can't face meeting the mud now and then.

i'm sorry but if you nearly tripped her over with your dog lead i guarantee anyone here including the people that say they would be nice would be very snappy and angry if it happened to them.

its like nearly getting run down by a bike. no one in their right mind would be saying something like 'oh whoops, lets try and refraim from using the pavment next time thank you'. you say 'fucking wanker use the bloody road'.

so yabu

Mini if a total stranger nearly tripped you with their dog lead or ran you over with their bike and you said "fucking wanker use the bloody road" they might swing back round for another go at you!!

Anyway DameHannah, YANBU, your "friend" sounds really horrible and not worth any more of your time or energy. I hope your mum is on the mend. Find a nice new dogwalking friend and behave with calm indifference to this woman if/when you see her again.

Hang on - is mini the friend?! I jest but I can honestly say I have never said that to anyone Mini no.

Maybe I'm just nicer or not prone to overreacting. Who knows...

How is your mother?

Are you allowed to be on the fence on MN / AIBU? I really can see both sides!

I can be a rude friend but I do try not to hurt people's feelings. If I do, I really hope that people can say "That was rude, don't do it again", rather than end the friendship. I would really feel for your rude friend if she lost your friendship over this.....

altho (), saying that, it sounds like you've given her many chances and she has given you...NONE! Despite the worry and stress you were under re your mother (hope she's better x) She's not exactly the friend of the century!!!!

I would do as you first said - "I like you and enjoy walking with you but I find you exceedingly rude and hurtful at times, like when you upset me on our dog walk. I really don't want you to keep being rude but I would like to make up." I think being honest and adult is a good choice - perhaps this might be better written down so you can get it all over to her properly?

Hope you get it all sorted out xxx

If she goes herbie on you over an accident, how do you think she'll respond to you telling her she's rude? Hug you? I would have wrapped the lead around her dang neck (not tightly though) and got my dogs to piss on her.

You are too soft.

My friends dog regularly tangles himself around my legs with his flexi lead - I have to be very aware and nimble on the old twinkle toes. I stop, laugh and wait for her to untangle him.

Yes it has occurred to me that she should use an ordinary lead, but tbh it really isn't that big a deal and certainly not one worth being rude to someone whose mother is undergoing major surgery as lead-gate happened.

Personally OP I wouldn't say anything at the moment, let it blow over and maybe get back to dog walking togetehr later.

Were her dogs bitches?

If she's the type that sulks at you being two minutes late, she obviously thinks much too highly of herself. That's further evidenced by her reputation for being rude. Walking with dogs has its hazards, and she should bear some of the responsibility for not concentrating or extricating herself. She certainly doesn't have grounds for a grudge, particularly as you explained the reason you were stressed. However, she may have been thinking she was doing you a favour by going on these walks (especially if she has no hound of her own). It sounds like you just need to be open to her reapproach (if she makes it) but not go out of your way to apologise or extend an olive branch. Perhaps a greeting card at some occasion could break the ice.