Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH's entire family to gatecrash our holiday?

38 replies

BenedictsCumberbitch · 29/04/2012 22:32

My SIL is a travel agent and I asked her to price up a 3 night break to euro Disney for me DH, DD and DS, i asked for the cheapest deal as there are no constraints re time of year or anything like that. Anyway SIL came back to me with a couple of deals and said 'oh but me and DP and DN were thinking we could come with you and we could use my discount' MIL overheard and said 'ooh we really enjoyed eurodisney last time we were there with SIL and family so we'd definitely come if you booked' other SIL also made noises indicating that if this was to be a family trip they two would like to come with their DS's. We've been away with DH's family before they are nice people, we get on well but they have a habit of making things all about them. We want to do Disney as my DS loves mickey mouse and I want to give him that experience whilst he's young enough to be enthralled by it, I want to do things on our schedule and see and do the things we want to do.

Oldest nephew has autism and as such requires to a certain extent things to revolve around him and his needs and likes and dislikes. I love my nephew but this is our holiday and I don't want to have to take him into account which I know makes me a shitty person. MIL and FIL are lovely people and if they wanted to come on their own to spend a bit of time with our DCs then I guess that would be ok, both my two DCs and other two DN's get sidelined a bit due to other DN (you keeping up?) special needs which we accept and understand and work around, if the whole family were to come it would be another situation where we'd have to defer to the complex requirements of DN and my two would miss out on potential grandparents time.

Lastly other SIL and BIL and their family are lvely and we get on well, DN1 and DD are v close in age and close cousins, we have an issue where DD thinks everything DH,DS and I do is terminally uncool and if dn1 and family were there DD would want to be with them all the time and do what they do, meaning we're tied to another persons schedule. We've holidayed with them before so I'm not adverse to it per se but on this occasion it's not what I want.

DH says IABU and a big family holiday would be smashing. I'd rather not go if it's going to be gatecrashed against my will. AIBU?

OP posts:
ledkr · 29/04/2012 22:35

I dont think yabu,my pil tried this at first but we nipped it in the bud,dont know what you cn do though as dh seems so keen.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 22:37

YANBU and I don't think it makes you a shitty person at all.

I used to love big family holidays when the kids were little and my Mum was alive.

But having said that, it was because that's what we'd set out to book.

I'd feel the same as you if we'd intended to book for just us and the kids and then it snowballed out of control.

mamababa · 29/04/2012 22:37

Yanbu. Just book it online, we went last year it was fab! You don't need 'babysitters' in mil and fil as tbh everyone is knackered and has early nights. Just phone Disney they are great Grin

OhTheConfusion · 29/04/2012 22:38

Ofcourse YANBU. I adore our family holidays... real family time, just us and no one else.

I would explain you fancy a few day's with your DH and kids and would happily book up for something else with the family at a later date perhaps?

wherearemysocks · 29/04/2012 22:40

YANBU but Euro Disney is a big place, you don't have to stay together for the whole time. Maybe have breakfast and dinner together and then do your own thing during the day?

greenplastictrees · 29/04/2012 22:42

Yanbu but as you've mentioned to the sil already I'd been inclined to go with them this time. Or decide not to go and go somewhere else this year then save Disney for next year when they've forgotten about it. Just not sure how you could go without them now without causing Ill feeling.

Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 29/04/2012 23:04

I see what you are saying green but it's a lot of money to spend on a holiday that I'll get limited enjoyment of. I get the argument that we don't have to stick together but DD will want to be with her cousin and if I put a stop to that I'll be the bad guy and have to deal with a stropping DD.

OP posts:
ledkr · 29/04/2012 23:06

You need to wise up as well.We have to lie about where we go on hols as if its too close to pils they will make almost daily visits and hang about.We tried to be truthful and say we wanted some time to ourselves but they just ignore us and come anyway.Wouldnt mind but they are so uppity and pick the kids up for things like starting their meal before we all sit down-in a cravan,on holiday! Very annoying and not exactly relaxing.

ChaoticismyLife · 29/04/2012 23:07

YANBU

GnomeDePlume · 29/04/2012 23:07

Of course YANBU but I'm afraid that is the price you pay for trying to get a deal!.

My tip: book with someone else and forget to mention that you are going.

fullofregrets · 29/04/2012 23:08

YANBU. Especially somewhere like Disney where everyone is going to want to do different things and it is likely to end in disagreements.
Disney isn't a relaxing holiday anyway. Unless everyone is going to be happy to split up most of the time and just meet for meals or parades I think it sounds awful. It is exactly the sort of thing my pil would suggest so you have my sympathy.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 29/04/2012 23:10

YANBU. Some people are strange. I wouldn't ever consider inviting myself and my family along to my brother's holiday, for example.

You have 3 options, as I see it:

  1. Tell them you want it to be just your family. Put up with the inevitable disgruntlement this will cause.

  2. Go with in-laws, try to make the best of it.

  3. Go somewhere else. Tell no-one where you are going until it's too late for them to book too.

Debeez · 29/04/2012 23:11

YANBU, and you are not a shitty person. Hope you have a lovely holiday.

blackeyedsusan · 29/04/2012 23:12

yanbu.... how to get this over to h is another matter. have you got a large family by any chance? how about asking whther he wants some of them to come too? will he go away with your family?

or tell him you were hoping for some couple time when dd was asleep and knowing his family were about would be (ahem) offputting.. Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2012 00:08

"'oh but me and DP and DN were thinking we could come with you and we could use my discount."
That sounds to me as if she were asking if it would be OK to do so, holding out the discount as an inducement. So she's accepting of the fact that you might say you'd prefer not to do that. In which case there isnothing wrong in saying "Actually, I'm really looking forward to it being just us." No details, no justification, just a statement of fact, a preference.

As for how to get it across to DH - you explained it pretty clearly here to us, just do the same for him. And repeat, "Actually, I'm really looking forward to it being just us."

Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 30/04/2012 08:00

I know, he just can't understand why I wouldn't want to spend time with his family, he is very much of the opinion that although it would be great us four, it'd be even better with more people, we do group holidays most years, mainly with his sister and her husband and their kids and I go along with it as yes, it can be good fun but on this occasion I'd like to do it without them. Gah!

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 08:16

If your dh wants a holiday with his family, he will have to find the extra money so that you can do both separately. If he can't do that he needs to stick to the original plan and you need to book online.

ENormaSnob · 30/04/2012 08:46

Yanbu

If you are not adverse to a family holiday with the ils then I would just say you would prefer Disney alone but how about you all book for something else.

Original poster
BenedictsCumberbitch · 30/04/2012 09:13

We've already been on our main holiday this year (alone but staying with other friends abroad, so not alone really!) and next year is already booked (with SIL and BIL and x2 DN's). I don't mind doing camping weekends etc en masse but when it's my main holiday that I save for all year I don't want to work to others schedule - unless I have arranged it and am happy with it and DD is scared of DN1 and finds it very hard to relax around him, which is fine when she is round at grandmas, or even camping as she knows she has to include him (not that he could be less fussed) and make allowances for him and understands that her needs are not the priority but when it's her holiday as well I don't want her to feel like that.

Aaargh. I just don't want to go away on an expensive weekend that I want to do with my family with them. I don't want to cause I'll feeling by saying no I don't want you to come, I just wish they weren't so presumptuous as to think they can invite themselves along!

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 30/04/2012 09:16

YANBU. There's a reason that some people call holiday's a getaway and that reason isn't because you can take everyone you know with you.

My PILs used to go on holiday to a cottage in the Yorkshire Dales and spend the entire time they were there demanding that relatives come to visit them. We were easily an eight hour drive away but it didn't stop them insisting we should come to see them ("Oh...but if you come at the weekend you could stop halfway with X for the night and then get up at 6am and you'd be with us for 10am, half past ten at the latest and then we can do this and that, you stay the night, drive back to X for dinner and then carry on home...") They had half the family doing the same and could never understand why we might not want to spend our entire weekend driving up and down the country to spend one night in bunk beds at their holiday let.

It's good that you get on with your DH's family but no matter how close you are you still need to spend time alone as a family too. Especially if you already see a lot of each other. If this was a rare chance for a family gathering it might be different but there's nothing unreasonable about wanting to stick to your original plan and it was a bit cheeky of your SIL to put you on the spot, especially if the rest of the family were listening and wanting to join in too. Now they've made it very difficult for you to say no.

EnjoyResponsibly · 30/04/2012 09:25

Whilst YA necessarily BU, you really were courting catastrophe in asking your SIL to source the pricing.

In future make Expedia your friend Wink

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 30/04/2012 09:31

If you're going on holiday with them next year, I don't think it's unreasonable to say to them and DH that you'd much, much prefer to do something special just the four of you? Have you explained your OP to your DH?

Eggrules · 30/04/2012 09:33

YANBU

We went last year and my BF and her family wanted to be together every waking minute. We didn't ask them, they booked it a week before;got the same flight and stayed in the same hotel.

We went again alone earlier in the year. Had a deal that worked really well and after we booked, a few people asked if they could come. I said it was up to them however we wanted to spend time together as a family and would want to agree when to meet up in advance. We stopped telling people we were going and just went.

We like to organise trips, concerts, day out etc. I think others sometime want to join in because they know we will have looked into a good deal and all they have to do is pay and turn up. Sometimes this is fine.

They may decide to go en masse without you at a later date.

Could your DD stay with her cousin whilst you go?. Put it to her and she may stop the strops.

iscream · 30/04/2012 09:35

YANBU.

Your husband should be able to realize it is nothing against his family at all! You enjoy being with them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to go with just your little family unit, he should be able to understand that.
I hope you can get out of this uncomfortable situation that they put you in.
(try e-mailing the link to this thread to them all)

iscream · 30/04/2012 09:39

Can you email them or call them, and say " We really just wanted a little time with the 2 kids this time, but how about us all making plans for a family group vacation together really soon?