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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DP is a waste of space?

40 replies

ChamberPotOfDestiny · 29/04/2012 20:49

I am seriously starting to reconsider my relationship with my DP. We live together and have one DD, 20mo. I work part time, DP does not work. I do everything in the house - all of the cooking, cleaning, child related stuff, shopping, bill paying etc. DP sits on the sofa and does nothing, at all.

Take today, for example. I got up at 8am, got DD up fed her and dressed her. I then did 2 loads of washing and sorted the kitchen mess left from last night up, all before DP got up at 10.15. DD was then picked up by my mother, who was taking her out for the day, at 10.30 and I went to work. I got home at 4.30 and DP was still in pajamas, watching Tv. The only thing DP had done all day was walk from the sofa to the kettle and back again - despite the fact that there are loads of jobs that need doing round the house ( which is currently being decorated). I have come home from work, tidied round, picked up DD from my DMums house, cooked, washed up, bathed DD and put her to bed.

This is a typical day. I work every weekend and my parents take DD out all day Saturday and sunday, so DP gets 2 'days off' every week but on my days off from work I'm expected to look after DD all day and do all of the housework etc while DP sits around and watches TV.

Also, whether I am home or not, DP doesnt tell DD off for anything. For example, DD tries to shove the TV off the stand quite often, when she does this DP just ignores her. If the TV gets very close to the edge of the stand, sometimes DP will shout DD's name and distract her. Basically, DD doesn't get told 'no' unless I am the one to do it.

I don't want to drip feed so:
DD is not my biological daughter, I have no children of my own. DP and I have known each other for 10+ years and I was there when DD was born, but we didn't get together until DD was about 4mo. I dont know who DD's biological father is and neither does DP (one night stand). I don't have any formal rights over DD. DP has always insisted that DD is 'as good as' my daughter.

AIBU to think that DP is a waste of space and that me and DD deserve better?

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm feeling quite sorry for myself tonight and have cracked open the wine.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 29/04/2012 20:53

Where is her mum then? Confused

oikopolis · 29/04/2012 20:54

YANBU

yes you and DD do deserve better.
i suggest you see a solicitor re: how custody arrangements would play out.

Original poster
ChamberPotOfDestiny · 29/04/2012 20:54

Sorry, just realised I didn't point that out Blush. DP and I are both female.

OP posts:
blapbird · 29/04/2012 20:54

yep total waste of space YADNBU get outta there!

curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 20:55

Your poor DD sounds like she has no consistency :(

Do you think your DP is really a waste of space? Lazy? Could she be depressed? Why is your working set up as it is?

sensuallettuce · 29/04/2012 20:55

Aaaahhhhh I see so DP is her biological mum?

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2012 20:55

Have you actually talked about this situation?

curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 20:56

sensual I think the OPs DP is the child's biological mum.

hoops997 · 29/04/2012 20:56

Why on earth are you with this useless waste of space man?

motherinferior · 29/04/2012 20:56

DP is definitely being a more than hopeless parent: but she's the bio-mum, right, and you don't have an adoption order? So yes, both of you do IMO 'deserve better' but at the moment you cannot provide that parenting without DP being in the picture...

fatfingers · 29/04/2012 20:57

So I gather dp is the child's mum? Has she always been like this or changed recently? Has she always been lazy or is she depressed? Have you spoken to her about the fact she sits doing nothing all day?

minimathsmouse · 29/04/2012 20:57

Could you adopt DD?

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 20:58

why cant he work? and where is her mother????

hoops997 · 29/04/2012 20:59

Sorry assumed it was a man (in my defence threads like this normally are) but seriously you need to talk to your DP about this, if that doesn't help leave, life is too fecking short for unhappiness

alphabite · 29/04/2012 21:00

You need to talk to her.

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 21:00

ah, cross posts...

but why cant SHE work then?

bogeyface · 29/04/2012 21:00

Doesnt matter whether your DP is male female or martian, she is a waste of space and piss taker.

She doesnt take care of her own DD, expects you to everything, contributes a big fat fuck all and I rather suspect would get wanky if you didnt.

Yes you need to leave but I would check out with a solicitor what your rights are over DD, because taking her with you may be illegal if you do it without your STBX's agreement.

WorldOfMeh · 29/04/2012 21:03

Could be postnatal depression. Has she always been this way? Can you try speaking to her about it- and if you do, what does she say?

I can totally understand you feeling pissed off, though.

motherinferior · 29/04/2012 21:03

Seriously, you need to sort out adoption if - and that decision is up to you - you wish to go on parenting DD. Which I assume you do. In fact it's worth sorting out even if you aren't contemplating separating from your partner...

Original poster
ChamberPotOfDestiny · 29/04/2012 21:10

Yes, DP is DD's biological Mum.

I think DP has always been like this, but I've never realised until now. As odd as that sounds. I feel like I've given up everything for her and she just doesn't care Sad

I gave up my job to move across the country to be with DP, when I got here I took a job in retail because jobs in my field are very hard to come by around here.

Me working weekends was supposed to be part of a long term plan for me to look after DD Monday and Tuesdays when I was off work so DP could take a part time job she had been offered on those days. After I had taken my current job and agreed to the hours DP decided she no longer 'liked the sound' of the job she had been offered Hmm and didn't take it.

We have discussed the situation but nothing I say seems to make any difference. She agrees with me, things need to change etc but then nothing does.

I've wanted to just give up on the relationship and leave so many times, but I am worried about DP's ability to look after DD on her own.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 29/04/2012 21:15

Poor you. What a terrible situation. She sounds the most bone idle person I've ever read on here. Could she be depressed? Do you talk?

thekidsrule · 29/04/2012 21:19

YANBU sounds a horrible situation for you and dd

your in a poor position regarding any rights im afraid

firstly you need to work out if you want to save this relationship

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 21:20

Unfortunately "as good as" means nothing if you leave.

You are not her mother in any legal sense, despite being the only mother she has ever known.

Has your DP always been like this? You've known her for 10 years. Has she always been this lazy? Or is she depressed?

Her life sounds so empty.

thekidsrule · 29/04/2012 21:21

is that always the stock answer on MN "is she depressed"

jesus bone idle more like

QuacksForDoughnuts · 29/04/2012 21:24

I was assuming her mum was OP's partner...