To think that DP is a waste of space?

[ChamberPotOfDestiny]

I am seriously starting to reconsider my relationship with my DP. We live together and have one DD, 20mo. I work part time, DP does not work. I do everything in the house - all of the cooking, cleaning, child related stuff, shopping, bill paying etc. DP sits on the sofa and does nothing, at all.

Take today, for example. I got up at 8am, got DD up fed her and dressed her. I then did 2 loads of washing and sorted the kitchen mess left from last night up, all before DP got up at 10.15. DD was then picked up by my mother, who was taking her out for the day, at 10.30 and I went to work. I got home at 4.30 and DP was still in pajamas, watching Tv. The only thing DP had done all day was walk from the sofa to the kettle and back again - despite the fact that there are loads of jobs that need doing round the house ( which is currently being decorated). I have come home from work, tidied round, picked up DD from my DMums house, cooked, washed up, bathed DD and put her to bed.

This is a typical day. I work every weekend and my parents take DD out all day Saturday and sunday, so DP gets 2 'days off' every week but on my days off from work I'm expected to look after DD all day and do all of the housework etc while DP sits around and watches TV.

Also, whether I am home or not, DP doesnt tell DD off for anything. For example, DD tries to shove the TV off the stand quite often, when she does this DP just ignores her. If the TV gets very close to the edge of the stand, sometimes DP will shout DD's name and distract her. Basically, DD doesn't get told 'no' unless I am the one to do it.

I don't want to drip feed so:
DD is not my biological daughter, I have no children of my own. DP and I have known each other for 10+ years and I was there when DD was born, but we didn't get together until DD was about 4mo. I dont know who DD's biological father is and neither does DP (one night stand). I don't have any formal rights over DD. DP has always insisted that DD is 'as good as' my daughter.

AIBU to think that DP is a waste of space and that me and DD deserve better?

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm feeling quite sorry for myself tonight and have cracked open the wine.

She sounds so bone idle and pisstaking that I don't know how you stand it!

I am assuming you have ruled out depression as a cause of this not wanting to do anything at all ever? If you haven't, perhaps she should see a doctor?

It's a hard one. It's easy to say walk away, but that's your daughter you're leaving in a situation where you fear she may not be given the best care, and you have no legal rights to take her, or even see her.

What do you think would happen if you left? Would you be allowed access to your daughter or do you think your partner would prevent this? Do you think your partner would neglect the child? - if so, are you prepared to contact social services? Or tell her that's what you'll do if she neglects her?

Perhaps you do need to leave, if only to shock your partner into action. What would she do if you packed your bags?

Er, yes, so was I. (I'm so right-on, me .)

thekidsrule x post.

Depression can be a cause of an arse that is welded to the sofa! When I was very depressed, I stopped bathing, dressing and moving. I slept all day and did nothing. I wasn't interested in doing anything to change it either. It's what depression does to you.

So when you read of someone who has no interest in doing anything or having any sort of life, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that they might be depressed.

It's certainly worth ruling it out, before writing them off.

Male or female.

Hec,i get what your saying,but everytime this one gets bought out like a mantra

and if the op was with a male she would be advised to kick him out in the clothes he stood in pronto

lol

Exactly, Hecate.

However, the OP should also ensure she adopts her daughter so as to protect her best interests either way- that's good advice.

I am rather getting the impression that your DP sees life as something that happens to her; there is an enormous passivity, from getting up the duff to her current situation. Which would be up to her to sort out, except there's you and DD to sort out as well.

You really have to sort out your legal access to the little girl.

thekidsrule - I would have said more less exactly the same if it had been a man... although with her being female, I think the odds of her having PND are a bit higher.

I know it does, and that's sad. Because sitting on the sofa all day every day and doing nothing could very well be depression. It goes far beyond idleness and should at least be ruled out, don't you think?

When I was severely depressed ( I was eventually sectioned) it started with losing interest in everything, then getting smelly, being really lazy, sleeping all day - and I mean all day. I must have seemed bone idle.

I would say the same regardless of gender, if someone was saying their partner never moved, never did anything, didn't even get dressed and wasn't participating in family life.

Even if she does have depression, that is not an excuse to doss about all day.
I had PND with all 3 of my DCs but had no option than to get on with doing stuff. Lieing in bed all day with children to take care of is not an option.
Tell her to get her act together or you will leave.

Why are your parents looking after DD when you work? Are they very attached to DD now?

also by your posting you seem to do so much and then grandparents have dd alot,maybe shes got used to not doing much

maybe she lacks confidence with dd regarding parenting skills,and feels useless compared to you and the grandparents

just a thought

Yes you do both deserve better. Have you spoken to DP about this? Do you want parental rights? Do you want to be with DP?

OP - this sounds like my DH. Bone idle to the core. I thought he was depressed at one stage, but now with a job, he is still bone idle and disinclined to do any work other than watch football.

However, I have found that he responds well to instruction and direction. So he cannot think of stuff to do for himself, but I have to leave him a list and ask him. THs makes me feel like nagging wife, but it does work. It still pisses me off that he cannot think for himself, but it is a step in the right direction.

Perhaps try this with your DP and see if this helps her?

hope it works out for you

People who are lazy normally have something they enjoy doing.

When I thought the partner was male my first thought was "is he depressed?"

Maybe she is just bone idle, but someone (particularly w woman who had a baby within the last few years) who does nothing at all other than sleep and sit around must raise concerns about depression, surely?

I am going to sound really sanctimonious here but.... she concieved a child on a one night stand and does not know who the father is. That sounds quite messed up to me and is only going to reflect on her inability to bond with her daughter. The priority here is this child. I think you are the best person to help your daughter and you should focus on ensuring that you have parental rights. See if you can get hold of some legal advice from someone who specialises in family law.