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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is is just me.....?

29 replies

bluetea · 29/04/2012 14:39

Please tell me if i am being unreasonable here! My new partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Cyprus for a week. Not a problem...... except his ex wife.....who i have never met.....and all of their mutual friends are going too. Now, I have said that I don't want to go....due to her being there....and he thinks that i am being unreasonable and moody about it!!!!!
Please tell me, yes, or no......would you go.........thank you x

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 14:41

I would suggest you meet her first and then decide. Until then YABU.

You may find you get on ok with her..

medievalgirl · 29/04/2012 14:41

I don't think there's a right or wrong, one-size-fits-all answer to this. Personally I've never minded DH's exes (and I'm still friends with my exes), but I realize that not everyone feels like that. I do think he should respect your feelings about it, though.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 14:42

You haven't said why you don't want to meet her?

BarredfromhavingStella · 29/04/2012 14:44

Will you be choosing your own hotel to stay in? iIf so I'd say the wedding is only one day out of the week so go & enjoy the rest of the holiday-If you're expected to stay in the same hotel as everyone else then that's a little more tricky as could make for a very uncomfortable week away for you.....Hmm

MarySA · 29/04/2012 14:45

Personally, I wouldn't want to go. Ex wife and all their mutual friends. I think I'd be running for the hills. But I agree with the poster who said it's a personal thing and it's up to the individual to do what is best for them. I never stayed friends with any of my exes. But plenty of people do.

Original poster
bluetea · 29/04/2012 14:49

I know what you mean about personal choices....but the thought of being around his ex for a week in the same resort is just waaaaay too much for me. I feel that he should put my feelings first.....above his friends. Its not a very close friend either. The expectation is that we spend the whole week with the group.

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 29/04/2012 14:52

If you're expected to spend the whole week with the group then you need to meet her beforehand & see what you think, however, I still think could be uncomfortable as it's a week with their mutual friends & not yours.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 14:52

What is she like?

Is there a reason you don't want to meet her?

And do they have kids together?

BananasInBloomers · 29/04/2012 14:52

You might find his ex really nice. Not all exes are hateful harpies. One of DH exes is a really good friend of mine.

AKMD · 29/04/2012 14:53

YANBU, after your second post I don't think I'd be up for a week of that either. Why are you going to a wedding abroad if they aren't even close friends?

Could you compromise and go but stay at a different resort and just just meet up on the actual day of the wedding?

ObiWan · 29/04/2012 14:54

How new is your 'new' partner?

If very new, just treat the wedding as a nice week away.

If 'serious and will be long term', well I guess you'll have to meet these friends sometime? You might as well get it over with.

Anyway, it's a wedding. I doubt that most people will give you or your partner more than an interested glance. It's all about the bride don't ya know!

Presumambly the people getting married have no issue with you being there? Or are you a +1, that your new partner is planning to spring on his ex to wind them up? Grin

EdithWeston · 29/04/2012 14:56

Is he likely to go by himself if you decline the invitation?

What will the mutual friends make of that, or both of you not going? As they are his friends, they are likely to find out why he didn't go (ie your request), so what do you think they will make of that?

You say it's a new partner; I take it you haven't met many of his friends yet? This might actually be the chance to get to know them. Or are there other reasons why you think you won't like them?

TotemPole · 29/04/2012 14:58

The expectation is that we spend the whole week with the group.

All doing the same sightseeing, and going to the same places for lunch and dinner etc? That's a bit much. I wouldn't want to do that for a whole week.

Will you be able to get around easily. Are places walkable or is there decent public transport?

Rainbow · 29/04/2012 15:01

Difficult one. I think pretty much the same as the others. If you are not gong to know anyone, then arrange to meet a few before you go and see how you all get on. A week is a long time with people you don't like. Try and meet her first too. You share the same taste in men you might get on great. My uncle's ex and wife do! Good luck bluetea xx

Original poster
bluetea · 29/04/2012 15:01

We have been together over a year and I am pregnant with his child. The reason that their marriage ended was because they couldn't have kids and he wanted them. Most of his friends are great......I just dont want to spend a week away with them and her. Yes, I know that it is all about the bride! The invite is to him and me. Well......he is now in a strop about it and I am the unreasonable one!!!! Grrrrr!!!
Maybe it is my issue that I need to resolve........maybe its because I think that he is not over her.....although he says he is. Oh I dont know......i guess it is me.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 15:04

If you've met his friends and you think they're great, then I'd take Squeaky's advice and make sure you meet her too.

Is there a social occassion coming up where this might be possible?

You haven't said she's a horrible person or anything so I'm guessing you're just shy/nervous?

She might be lovely. I mean all of us are someone's ex aren't we?

If you don't want to go after that, then wave him off for the week and put your feet up at home.

TotemPole · 29/04/2012 15:06

So it was her that couldn't conceive and he divorced her? Shock

TotemPole · 29/04/2012 15:06

Does she know that you're pregnant?

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 15:07

Oh and if you've been together over a year, it might be time to drop the 'new partner' title Grin

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 15:11

tbh she's probably not interested in you
or whether you go or not
I imagine ex wants to see her friends. and enjoy week away
it isn't all about you

Original poster
bluetea · 29/04/2012 15:12

scottishmummy.....true.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluetea · 29/04/2012 15:12

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
DorothyGherkins · 29/04/2012 15:13

Bluetea, I never did the DHS ExW and her circle! To me, thats what they were - ex - a part of his history, in the past. DH had children with her, so I understand how they need to talk occasionally, (actually, thats a lie, the children are over 18 now, so not like they are babies). But I always refuse weddings, christenings etc, with the ex wife and cronies. I just feel its nothing to do with me. I always stay at home on these occasions and do my own thing. Nothing to do with being nice people or anything, I just feel its totally irrelevant to me. If I were you, I certainly wouldnt want to feel forced to spend a week in their company, in my eyes, in your current situation, a blissful relaxing week away with your DH would be so much better for the both of you!

Original poster
bluetea · 29/04/2012 15:13

oh and she left him due to her guilty feelings about not being able to conceive.....but I think she used that as an excuse.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 15:16

also depends on how well you're feeling pg
will the heat be ok for you etc
but certainly don't make her presence an issue
be cordial and cool

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