Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male Imposter seeks advice

35 replies

maleimposter · 29/04/2012 10:14

Dear all, I am writing here on behalf of a friend in the hope that someone could help me to point her in the right direction. Over this last year my friend has become a single parent due to her partner of 13 years dumping her for another relationship that he started nearly 3 years ago. They are not married but have a child of 4 years old and just recently, my friend gave birth to a baby that sadly didn't survive. They bought a house together 7 years ago which is now becoming a bitter war as he is forcing a sale and she is refusing to leave. Her partner is a builder by trade and was the main income to the house. She on his terms, was to stay at home and raise their child. In the last 7 years, they planned to have an extension, which is not complete and he is refusing to do any more to the house. Unfortunately, she has now had to start claiming benefits to now try and meet the mortgage, which he is still liable for either by making it his "child maintenance" payment or by paying his share and paying a little extra on top...still to be agreed!! My friend has had some free legal assistance and has been advised that she can stay in the property until their child leaves eduction and will get some assistance to meet her part of the mortgage...which had fallen into arrears. The house is not in a functioning state. She has had a water leak, her boiler was advised it would be condemned as was heavily leaking carbon monoxide since installation, wiring is left unsafe, windows, roof, extension itself, plumbing issues, plastering...you name it! excuse my waffle... Does anyone know of a reputable trades that would do work for vulnerable people or know how to get access to funds (all be it private accommodation)...male or female trades?? She needs a break because she really doesn't deserve any of this...no one does. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 10:35

I dont understand why she is refusing to leave? The house sounds a nightmare, and he is not going to do the work when he wants to sell it, she is not going to be able to afford the work. Why prolong the inevitable.

boringnickname · 29/04/2012 10:39

I'm sorry for your friend but you are not going to get anyone to do work cheaply because she is in difficulties. People have to make a living. My DP is a builder and doing soething like that would break us.

It sounds like she needs to cut her losses and move on

antsypants · 29/04/2012 10:48

I haven't heard of a national charity that does this, but dependant on where you are you may be able to find a local organisation ( I know of one volunteering organisation in the north east)

But to be frank, I doubt she would be eligible for much assistance, she is your friend and I understand to you her difficulties are a massive priority, but there are care homes, elderly peoples houses, homeless shelters and children's homes in similar states and I'd imagine they would be a priority.

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 10:55

Is there any way that HE can be forced to finish the work he started? It might be an angle worth coinsidering.

hatesponge · 29/04/2012 11:02

How much did she put into the house in terms of a deposit? did she pay for any of the building work that's been done so far? If she's not put any money in and therefore doesn't have a particular sum to try and recoup I think the best answer is to sell tbh.

The problem is though that a house in the condition you describe may be unmortgageable, and therefore could only be sold to a developer at much less than the 'going' rate. Hence why I asked about any contribution she's made, because it's possible that may be wiped out if she sells now.

By way of an example, my house is an unfinished building project and currently worth about £75-100k less than if it were 'finished' - even though the cost of the finishing work is probably no more than £10-15k. The hit on the price is because in current condition only a developer would buy it (despite the fact we have lived like it for some years now). My Ex wants me to sell, however I am fortunate to (just about) be able to afford to buy him out and pay to get the work done. If I couldn't afford it however I think the only thing to do would be to sell it.

MixedClassBaby · 29/04/2012 11:05

Can she get a loan to do then work and then sell up and move on if she can't afford to stay? I can understand that you feel sorry for your friend and want to help but don't think painting her as 'vulnerable' will help and I think it's very unlikely anyone (except friends maybe) will work on her house for free. Maybe helping her see the reality of the situation and feel empowered to take control would be a better approach?

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 11:13

She wouldnt be classed as vulnerable. She isnt elderly, or disabled, and she does at least have a (abeit leaky) roof over her head.

If she were to move out, then she would be entitled to a lot more assistance I would imagine.

Clinging onto what sounds like a building site is not going to do any good in the long term, and if he wants to sell, there is no way he is going to be forced into doing any of the work. Why should he?

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:22

He destroyed the home that she lives in. Is him moving out of the home a good enough reason for him not to finish the work? Especially given that his child lives there?

PurplePidjin · 29/04/2012 11:24

Objectively, her best option seems to be to find somewhere smaller to rent for a while til she can bank half the cash from the sale of the house.

I can't see a builder letting it sell in the state you describe, he'll want to make as much as he can plus his reputation will be on the line, so long term she should bank a tidy profit funded by the XH.

hatesponge · 29/04/2012 11:25

Legally I can't see how there would be any way to compel him to complete the work.

I suspect he would say he does not want his child living there, hence why he wants the house sold.

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 11:25

What is morally right, does not mean it is legally enforceable. He has already walked out on his child and a grieving partner, he is highly unlikely to be the sort of man who will care if they are living in a state of chaos.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/04/2012 11:26

if i was her i would get a rented properity and claim csa

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:26

Can someone tell me what the difference is between what he's done to the home and vandalism?

raspberryroop · 29/04/2012 11:27

In simple terms, he's a bastard but so what really - lots of them around - she needs to think about how to move on for herself and the child.

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 11:27

He owns the house.

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:28

So would you be allowed to set fire to your own property if you want to then?

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 11:28

Well you would.. but you wouldnt be able to claim on the insurance..

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:30

That's crazy!

solidgoldbrass · 29/04/2012 11:30

She needs further legal advice which should concentrate on getting as much money as possible out of this man for the damage he has done to the house in which she has a financial interest. Basically he needs to either pay her off to enable her to move somewhere reasonable or be compelled to make the house properly habitable so it can be sold. I am not sure of the law on this but I think there are ways she can claim against him for what appears to be deliberate sabotage.

Rhinosaurus · 29/04/2012 11:32

As he has a financial interest in the house, surely it is in his interests to complete the project?

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:33

As he has a financial interest in the house, surely it is in his interests to complete the project?

I would think so!

AutumnSummers · 29/04/2012 11:34

Solidgold those were the lines I was thinking on.

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 11:37

It would be in his interests to finish it, but he cant be forced to. He isnt a workman who she employed to do the job, it is partly his house and if he cant be arsed to do anything and just wants to sell, then nobody can force him to do any work on the house.

He probably doesnt care.. maybe he has enough money that any loss from this property doesnt bother him.

I am not unsympathetic at all to woman, but realistically, what is the point in dragging it out and refusing to sell.. it is just prolonging a shit situation and not creating a happy living environment for the child either.

Worst case scenario could even be the man saying that she is refusing to provide adequate living facilities for the child, and he could go for residency.

hatesponge · 29/04/2012 11:38

I don't think you could claim that he has deliberately wrecked the house - if you're doing extensive building works a house does get into a fairly uninhabitable state at times (speaking as someone who lived without a functioning kitchen for about a year).

As to it being in his interest, it depends whether he has the time, money or inclination to finish it. My Ex for one doesn't, he just wants our house sold, even if he could make more finishing it.

Original poster
maleimposter · 29/04/2012 14:28

Hi, thanks so much for the responses. Ok, I will try and answer some of the questions.

  1. The house is a joint mortgage and both contributed towards the house. One was to pay the mortgage and the other was paying all the bills. Both gave equal deposit
  2. His work took him out of the area and subsequently was basically living off site. Being that he was a busy builder, the firm he works for was taking a lot of his time with constant phone calls and job set ups. In actual fact, he was working away but also had a relationship brewing somewhere else
  3. When he initially made the break, he had the plausible and believable reason that work had taken over and he was constantly tired, wasn't fair for them both to continue. At that time, she was pregnant..with his second child. Later on in the pregnancy, she was advised that there were complications and a whole load of tests were done. After he was informed, he said he would continue to be with her and support her but she advised that if he already made up his mind that he didn't want to be with her, that she didn't want him to continue a relationship with no meaning. After a week or so, because he was full of guilt, he decided to spring the surprise that he had been with another women for nearly 3 years, but not living with her until more recently. Obviously devastating! My friend then had to make an agonising decision on medical grounds to terminate the baby and he basically had no interest.
  4. They can't sell the house in the current state and that is official.
  5. His new woman has advised that he is to make no contact what so ever and has implied that there could be consequences. He is heavily involved in drugs and also has had a complete 360. My friend has not done anything wrong at all but had been left with a multitude of problems, grief. Why is it that he gets to call the shots????

I haven't asked for charity. What I have asked for are good Samaritans, information, contacts etc. Not everyone is fortunate to sit at home all day baking cakes and taking their little darlings to school in 4x4s!! And not all parents are young teenagers trying to get to the top of the council register! There are many single parents who really, no matter how hard they try just can not make ends meet for many reasons...domestic violence, separation, widowed. They are entitled to help. There are a lot of organisations that help the elderly, disabled etc

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread