to threaten to leave my partner if he doesn't get help for his depression?

[kunoichi]

My partner was diagnosed as being clinically depressed for a year now, after several years of not feeling "right". He was prescribed medication which he was taking up until about a month ago, though he also smokes cannabis (which he claims helps his mental state). His doctor also wanted him to attend counselling sessions, though this took several months to set up and when an appointment finally arrived my partner decided not to go.

Just over a year ago, my partner and I separated. I have two children from a previous relationship to look after too and wasn't able to cope with his behaviour and moods anymore. After some long discussion, we decided to make a go of things again, but not live together. Just afterwards I discovered we were pregnant (baby was conceived before we had split up), which prompted my partner to seek that medical help.

For a while things were really good, though as my pregnancy progressed they began to worsen again. I hoped things would get better after baby was born (especially as I was rather ill throughout my pregnancy) which they did for a couple of months. But now it feels things are worse than ever.

These past few months, my partner has done barely anything of help to our family. He sleeps whenever he wants (usually throughout the day, staying up all night). He doesn't help around the house at all, doesn't contribute to any bills/food/his tobacco habit. To be fair, he does buy our baby toys when he earns something, though he spends literally everything else on fuelling his habit for weed.

I feel as though I have to take care of everything. He does love our baby, but is unable to cope when our son gets upset or requires a lot of attention (which for a young teething baby is most of the time!). I'm self employed and work from home, so having to go back to working now (my MA has finished) has become a nightmare. The only time I have to work is late at night when the kids are in bed. If I don't work, I can't pay the bills and because of my partners habits claiming unemployment benefits is simply unviable.

I've reasoned, pleaded, begged and argued with my partner to seek help both for his depression and his cannabis addiction. All it seems, to no avail. He makes promises he can't or won't keep about going to the doctor/MIND centre for help with his mental illness, but refuses point blank to give up weed (which costs him £60-80 a week, sometimes more).

About a month ago he ran out of his medication and decided to stop taking it (this was a couple of days after a massive argument about his weed habit). I suspect it was due to a combination of not wanting to go out to see his doctor (he rarely leaves the house at all, I think it's been a full 7 days at this point) and also because he wasn't able to find anywhere to get weed (which he claims he needs to balance out the effects of his medication).

Since then his moods have worsened, he sleeps for 12-14 hours a night, and we're all constantly on edge waiting for his next outburst. He's begun to shout at our baby son (claiming baby stops crying when he does) and though I protest and tell him why its inappropriate he claims that as a parent he has a right to use whatever parenting method he feels is best.

I hate this situation, and know in my heart that I want out. But we have a son together, and my two other children would be greatly affected. Also, I'm not sure my partner would be able to maintain regular contact with our baby if we seperate - his sleep pattern is so irregular and the only times he leaves the house are to score weed or sign on (most of the time I have to drive him, just to make sure he goes).

And of course, first and foremost, our separation would send him spiralling deeper into depression.

I haven't (yet) threatened to leave him if he doesn't seek help, but I don't know what else to do. Would I be unreasonable to say this? Or can anyone else offer an alternative to make him seek help (which would in turn make life better for us all)?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to kick him out now. It's more than likely the weed messing with his moods not depression. You say it will affect your kids him leaving, do you not think they are already affected living with a moody pothead? Can't imagine it's a nice environment to grow up in. I'd get rid, easier said than done I know but he's got to help himself you can't do it for him. Good luck.

Oh dear. I have every sympathy for people with mental illness as several people in my family, including myself, have suffered with depression. But I'm sorry he is using it as an excuse to lie in bed all day and smoke weed. Don't let him drag you down and ruin your and your kids lives. I'm sorry but the moment someone raised their voice in anger to a baby, I'd cut them out of my life without a moments hesitation.

I'd get out now.

Does he have any good points?

That all sounds pretty awful to me, I don't think I'd stay. Especially not with his attitude towards shouting at the baby.

"And of course, first and foremost, our separation would send him spiralling deeper into depression."

Do not feel guilty for his depression. He is an adult. It is not your fault and you cannot fix him. You cannot sacrifice your own life on the altar of this mans problems.

Give the ultimatium if you want, but from what you say he has already mentally left.

I'm no expert when it comes to mental health issues.
However, you have to think of your children and their saftey first. Shouting at your baby son is not good. That is worrying.

I would get some help if I was you from some professional body.

Try womans aid and maybe speak to your GP?

His problem isnt depression, it is cannabis. If he wont help himself, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

I have to say i agree with the other two posters, its sounds really harsh but as real said, dont let him drag you down.

He needs to sort himself out before he is even capable of having a relationship with your or the children. At the moment his 'relationship' is with the weed, and as egg said, it is making things worse. No doubts about that!

If he is smoking pot and taking ant d's then then one cancels out the other. So he is wasting his money.
Does he want to get better and be stable?
Does he want to give up weed?
It has to come from him....
Its tough call for you as you are trying to be a supportive partner and loving Mother.

Nothing is forever could he move out to sort his head out and concentrate on becoming well again?

Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

He sleeps all day, smokes all night, doesn't work or pay bills, shouts at his children and refuses to leave the house or get help.

I should say that I have suffered from depression and alcoholism in the past so I normally have a lot of sympathy in this regard.

But I think you are asking the wrong question here. You are worried about getting help for your partner when you should be asking about how to protect your children from an abusive drug addict.

Your children are more important than your partner. If he won't get help then he needs to leave. If he straightens out in the future then you can figure out how to proceed, but he is clearly not getting any better as things are.

I agree with squeakytoy. Good luck. If he doesn't try to get better, you shouldn't feel guilty. You are not just talking about yourself. There are children in this equation who will suffer from his behaviour.

I do sympathise with this situation but it does sound as though your partner has crossed the line with what you can deal with and being past the point of no return. From what you've written, your children will be affected by what's going on now. Do you have family support around you so that your DCs can go somewhere whilst you talk to him about leaving him? Will you leave him or will you ask him to move out? Does he have support? I do understand how you feel about being worried his depression will spiral if you split up but you are aware that carrying on like this is no better and he will get no better.
As soon as you stop feeling responsible for him aswell as everything else you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders.

I threatened to leave DH if he didn't get help for his mental health condition. It worked and he did. His behaviour was not nearly as bad as you partners. In your circs I would not have threatened it I would have done it. Get him out until he sorts himself completely.

You're not responsible for his depression. He is responsible for not seeking help, though. In your shoes I would be sorely tempted to ask him to leave.

YANBU.

"His problem isnt depression, it is cannabis. If he wont help himself, there is absolutely nothing you can do."

100% agree with this. I would have shown him the door long since.

Sometimes realising what they have lost spurs them on to sort themselves out. My partner was horrendous with the grass, and a few years ago was just like you describe your partner now. We split up and kept coming and going, getting back together and having 2 DDs in that time. I couldn't handle his moods with the kids anymore, and we split for what I said was the final time. I didn't even give him a choice, me or the drugs, but I told him that he clearly had no interest in coming off them even though I pointed out how it was affecting us, so that was it, over. He got help, and although not everything is perfect (what is!), we are in a great place now, better off financially and we get on great. No dope either!! I hope things work out, but for your sake and the kids sake I would't be putting up with that for much longer - and I wouldn't be giving him the choice either, i needs to come from him :)

What others have said too. This is about his addiction. Showing him the door can be the only thing to get him to rock bottom and seek help. He needs to do this himself. And you need to protect yourself.

I came on to say YABU - depression is a horrible thing to have without your partner threatening to leave you too. But after reading your OP you also have a duty to look after yourself in all this. He's the only one who can make a move to sort himself out, however hard that is.

Forget about him... and think about you and your children. Not much use as a parent if stoned and not pulling his weight, is he? not a good example for your children either... would you like them to grow up thinking that putting up with such bahaviour and attitude is what is expected of a 'normal' relationship?

Let him go.

Here speaks the voice of experience. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

I guess you don't want to hear this, but your Dp is a lazy, disaffected pothead. I have a long history of depression and I can tell you, you can't sort this for him - nor can you force him into changing his life around.

You're an educated woman with prospects, but this man will drag the whole family down. Give your kids and yourself a chance of a life, because the longer this situation continues the harder it will be for you to get out. I left my alcoholic, unemployed ex-h after eight long years together, and told him I'd give it two years - if he'd conquered his addiction and increased his job prospects during that time, we'd be in with a chance of working things out, but that we'd have to be apart. I couldn't take him dragging me and Dd down any further. He didn't bother, and I'm so glad I'm out of it.

Looking back at your thread title, I'm not convinced depression is the real issue here. The dope's the relationship killer, and not something I think you can support him through given his track record so far.

I really wish you well x

And if you do go down that road - be prepared for him not to change and that you might need to accept that you will be better of without him x

Thank you all for your support and advice. I do care for my partner deeply, but my children are my world. Much as I've tried to protect them all from his moods, I think I needed to see it in black and white to realise it does still affect them badly.

Just now my eldest DS came down for a chat as he saw I was upset earlier (hes almost 16). In his own words he told me we'd all be much better off if my partner and I split, that he'd prefer it to what we have now. (To confirm, the kids know nothing about his weed habit).

TBH I barely have any family support at the moment, but that's partly because of the situation with my partner. They live in the same town but have really backed off after my partner and I split last year then I took him back. If I were to let on exactly how this affects me and the kids now, they would form opinions of him which could make the situation even less bearable, so I just don't talk about it. I'm also worried about the "well, you've made your bed" scenario especially as we got pregnant (which was very much unplanned!).

But I do have an amazing best friend who lives next door though. DS and I were just discussing whether she'd be open to childminding for the younger two so I can work properly in the future =)

It is very reassuring to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I've tried telling him in a roundabout way several times these past few months that I can't cope with the situation and will ask him to leave if he doesn't change, but he tries to turn it around on me, and eventually makes promises he obviously hasn't kept.

Babys awake for a feed, will be back soon.

Def to do with his cannabis smoking, this is going to stop him getting better, while he continues to keep smoking, he will continue to get worse.

I think you should listen to your DS. I don't see how you could possibly be worse off by splitting -- it sounds like it would be the best thing actually.

I would be very, very surprised if he doesn't know about the weed. I mean, your partner smokes in the house, right? He's up all night, never goes out...