to threaten to leave my partner if he doesn't get help for his depression?

[kunoichi]

My partner was diagnosed as being clinically depressed for a year now, after several years of not feeling "right". He was prescribed medication which he was taking up until about a month ago, though he also smokes cannabis (which he claims helps his mental state). His doctor also wanted him to attend counselling sessions, though this took several months to set up and when an appointment finally arrived my partner decided not to go.

Just over a year ago, my partner and I separated. I have two children from a previous relationship to look after too and wasn't able to cope with his behaviour and moods anymore. After some long discussion, we decided to make a go of things again, but not live together. Just afterwards I discovered we were pregnant (baby was conceived before we had split up), which prompted my partner to seek that medical help.

For a while things were really good, though as my pregnancy progressed they began to worsen again. I hoped things would get better after baby was born (especially as I was rather ill throughout my pregnancy) which they did for a couple of months. But now it feels things are worse than ever.

These past few months, my partner has done barely anything of help to our family. He sleeps whenever he wants (usually throughout the day, staying up all night). He doesn't help around the house at all, doesn't contribute to any bills/food/his tobacco habit. To be fair, he does buy our baby toys when he earns something, though he spends literally everything else on fuelling his habit for weed.

I feel as though I have to take care of everything. He does love our baby, but is unable to cope when our son gets upset or requires a lot of attention (which for a young teething baby is most of the time!). I'm self employed and work from home, so having to go back to working now (my MA has finished) has become a nightmare. The only time I have to work is late at night when the kids are in bed. If I don't work, I can't pay the bills and because of my partners habits claiming unemployment benefits is simply unviable.

I've reasoned, pleaded, begged and argued with my partner to seek help both for his depression and his cannabis addiction. All it seems, to no avail. He makes promises he can't or won't keep about going to the doctor/MIND centre for help with his mental illness, but refuses point blank to give up weed (which costs him £60-80 a week, sometimes more).

About a month ago he ran out of his medication and decided to stop taking it (this was a couple of days after a massive argument about his weed habit). I suspect it was due to a combination of not wanting to go out to see his doctor (he rarely leaves the house at all, I think it's been a full 7 days at this point) and also because he wasn't able to find anywhere to get weed (which he claims he needs to balance out the effects of his medication).

Since then his moods have worsened, he sleeps for 12-14 hours a night, and we're all constantly on edge waiting for his next outburst. He's begun to shout at our baby son (claiming baby stops crying when he does) and though I protest and tell him why its inappropriate he claims that as a parent he has a right to use whatever parenting method he feels is best.

I hate this situation, and know in my heart that I want out. But we have a son together, and my two other children would be greatly affected. Also, I'm not sure my partner would be able to maintain regular contact with our baby if we seperate - his sleep pattern is so irregular and the only times he leaves the house are to score weed or sign on (most of the time I have to drive him, just to make sure he goes).

And of course, first and foremost, our separation would send him spiralling deeper into depression.

I haven't (yet) threatened to leave him if he doesn't seek help, but I don't know what else to do. Would I be unreasonable to say this? Or can anyone else offer an alternative to make him seek help (which would in turn make life better for us all)?

Its no life for any of you.

You get one life, make the most of it.

He is making the choice to smoke weed which could be the only problem or he actually coyld have depression but if he does then weed is making it much worse. I've had close friends who smoke weed and daily smokers get seriously fucked up. Don't blame yourself he is putting his drug habit before you and the kids, he is a selfish man who is controlling and acting like a toddler. Tell him he stops smoking or your gone which will be better for you and the children. The longer you allow him to behave this way the worse it will get. And what does that mean about weed 'balancing ' out his meds, the point of the meds is to balance out his mood! They will be pretty ineffective if teamed with a depressant like that. Don't feel sorry for him, he has made this choice at your expense and does not deserve your money, patience and love.

MsVelvet (and others) I agree my partner's problems could probably all be resolved if he would stop smoking weed! He's been smoking it since he was 15 (now 34!). It has gotten much worse over the past year or so though.

The last awful argument we had was centered on weed, he told me he wouldn't give it up, and basically that our relationship was based on my ability to cope with that (he didn't say that outright, but we both understood that's what he meant). He is trying to work in a fashion. He is a talented designer and does odd jobs for people, also is enrolled on a scheme through the JObcenter to become properly self-employed (though he skirted attending one required session, almost got kicked off the course, then was too ill to attend the one he should have this week).

He keeps telling me things will get better when he's working properly, though I really question whether he will actually start contributing because at the moment anything he earns goes on more weed and (unnesscessary) toys for the baby. Not since last year has he offered ANYtHING towards bills/food/etc.

Long term, I think I'll cope much better on my own. But being a single parent with three kids (my youngest is just 7 months) and self-employed is a scary prospect.

Is it any scarier than being a single parent with four kids (eldest 34 going on 3) and self-employed? Because you are single parenting right now, he contributes nothing (except stress).

Hi, long time lurker I apologise if you feel this is presumptious on my part for answering and being unknown to you.
I was an abused child (alcoholic father, mother that didn't protect me or in her words 'rock the boat' even long after she left him). I have also suffered from depression as a teen and adult. In my darkest days, when only blind chance has stayed my hand, I would never have been aggressive with an infant. I shouted at myself, felt my partner was worth more than I could give him etc but never could I have used clinical depression (NOT other MH issues) as a reason to harm a child. When you are very small a large, angry, man is in fact a very large, very angry man. It is terrifying. Your baby may sto crying because of spine freezing fear, after all he is too young to understand much else. You have said how much your children mean to you. You have a son who is empathic and sounds like he has a wise head on his shoulders - loving too, to be brave enough to tell you a truth that past actions evidenced was a difficult one to accept.

If you were not a mother my advice would be to walk away - right now. He is emotionally manipulative and has got what he wants from you - you're taking his shennanigans.

You have 3 children so my advice to you is run, don't walk. Mind games and this level of manipulation (it not me it's xyz) is harmful enough for an adult. Children, particularly bright and switched on ones like your son, wither and die in that environment. Whether you are willing to give him a chance is not the issue - Are you willing to place the health and happiness of your children now and in the future up as stake on the bet he fulfills his promises? No. But if you had answered yes then your own comment of "The last awful argument we had was centered on weed, he told me he wouldn't give it up, and basically that our relationship was based on my ability to cope with that (he didn't say that outright, but we both understood that's what he meant)." should be example enough he cares not a jot for anything other than saying/doing/promising anything to serve his own ends. His apologies are fear of losing his easy ride & finding someone else that would take that level of crap. His right to be a father does not outweigh his responsibility to be a father - he does neither. He can do neither until he grows up and takes responsibility for himself.

I don't know your family circumstances and if your 'I told you so' anxiety and general lack of support will turn out to be the case even if you tell them you've ditched the parasite that has been harming the people they love. If so, they suck and the family you have created is a testament to your ability as a good mother in unenviable circumstances.

It is scary to feel alone, daunted and ultimately vulnerable. But you have a son already more of a man than the bf. You are intelligent and are already doing it ALL.

If you have read this far please consider doing one thing. Take a minute to read through the abusive spouse stories you find - make a clear note how many features he exhibits. It may well be more than you thought. I hope that helps you keep him at an appropriate distance and guard your heart. I could reel off 5 or 6 stock, heartbreaking scripts my father would use to reel people back in. Can you? Can you script the conversation, how much do you bet it will match up?

I think you need to walk away to guard your children & yourself as the priority and give him the best incentive to be the man he promised he will be.

I think after the physical 'person missing' feelings and practicalities are dealt with you will feel relief to be master of your own ship. You deserve someone better than him - if he sorts himself maybe it will be him version 2.0 but not the him of now.

I know this reads like a melodramatic diatribe but I don't think you can read the posts (particularly your sons words) and not think there are some red flags. I personally have few major issues with weed but not in the house my kids are living in, not as he is using it now. He is responsible for his MH and behaviour. You have supported him and it has left him appearing to feel he can behave worse. Now it's time for you & space for your needs and that of your kids. You know it, he knows it and he wants to hang on to the status quo. Loving you is not enough if he can't use it to act as a partner, father and equal. He can't use your love for each other to keep on hurting the people it is his implicit duty to keep from harm.

Now I sound like a dickhole, I'll sign off. I hope you all get a happy ending even if the journey there is a bit bumpy.
Regards and best wishes Sam.

NicNoc that was a really useful post, one that I have benefited from and hopefully the op will as well. Good luck op.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN. The thought of my DD ending up in a scenario even half as bad as this one chills me to my bones.

You are someone's daughter, Kunoichi... Nobody who loves you wants anything like this for you and your DC.

Please escape and provide a better model of what life and relationships are like for your children.

Oh, and I'd bet my last dollar that your older DS absolutely knows about the weed.

And yes, fantastic post from NicNoc.

I think everyone has already said what I'm thinking so I will just say it's time for you to leave, your family will be much happier without him.

I am no expert, but your dp sounds an awful lot like my brother. He has borderline (emotionally unstable) personality disorder. He is still living with my parents in his late 20s, he is in and out of work, he drinks and takes various drugs and contributes nothing to the household and generally treats my parents and their home with contempt (awake all night, loud music, messy and downright dirty) But if anyone dares challenge his behaviour, it is every body else's fault, and he says he is "depressed" and suicidal. He is basically manipulative, and he gets depressed when he can't get his own way. And of course my folks have no choice but to put up with it as what mother would throw their "suicidal" child out onto the streets? He is also promised in the past to seek various forms of help but either stops going or is so hostile with the therapists they refuse to treat him. If your dp has any elements of a pd it is unlikely he will ever change. He may say he will to get what he wants, but it won't actually happen. Ime people with simple depression follow a different pattern. They may be ill for several months at a time, but usually it is a reasonably transient thing and most people, whilst having problems with motivation will usually be focussed in at least trying to get better. I say this because I have been depressed. Yes I might feel angry at myself or the world and not always behave in an exemplary fashion, but I would not be repeatedly abusive, especially to a baby. Your ds sounds wonderful. And I think if you left your dp once and for all your parents would surprise you and be very supportive. At present I think they stay away as the clearly don't like him but you have decided to stay with him so they are in an awkward position. Don't let him make you feel guilty. You have done all you can for him but he us not helping himself so there is no mote you can do.

You sound like a lovely,kind and very intelligent woman.He's a complete waste of space,a cock lodger and drug addict.The depression does seem to be related to the huge amount of weed that he smokes,so no amount of AD's will help even if he could be bothered to take them.You're wrong if you think that your older kids don't know about his drug addiction,they may be young but not stupid.Get rid of this idiot freeloader,come clean with your family and I'm sure that they will want to help you.Your new baby deserves to be brougtht up in a drug free household.Sorry to be so blunt,but I speak from experience as my late Son IL. was similar to your DH.Note the word 'late ' he died when he was 37 after 25 years of so called recreational dope smoking.

Gosh,Realhousewife,what a great post. Mx.

its not the depression or the cannabis imo, its the fact hes a cock.

kick him out

It's the Cannabis making him like this imo. He knows that himself, deep down.

I wouldn't wait at all, I'd kick his arse out. You have to think of your children and yourself right now. This man, depressed or not, is useless to you.

I left my partner a few years ago due to similar issues. He has sorted himself out in the end and we've gone on to have another baby. But as far I'm concerned he gets the way he was before I wont hesitate to boot him out. There will be no more second third or fourth chance.

He is a drain on the family finances to the tune of £80+ a week
He shouts at your baby until he stops crying from fear
He smokes weed all day and night
He has no motivation to change

This is horrendous. You need to get him out and now. Do not kid yourself that your 15 year old has no idea about the weed- how could he not?

Just caught up after last night. Picked up on something you said. Kids know nothing about his weed habit. Don't kid yourself, they do.

My DP suffered with depression a few years ago, it was pre-dcs and there was no weed habit, in our situation it was a question of unswerving support and listening from me, and real practical help from DP's family (his dad gave him a job and a career plan basically) and a bit of anti-ds.

But the crucial difference is that DP wanted to get out of the hole he was in. It sounds like yours has no intention of making an effort. It takes a lot of work to free someone from depression and imo he's going to have to do it himself. Does he have family?

OP, I am so sad for you. I think the writing is on the wall. Some very kind posters here sharing painful real life experience to help you.

You and your children deserve more. Do this for them. Your DP will never change adn worse, doesn't want to.

If he won't give up weed, it is clear that the weed comes before you and the kids. He's a lost cause. It's not your job to put him back together. HE is responsible for his life, not you. You tried, he put weed first.

It's time to go now OP. You know it in your bones.

MN will give you so much support and advice that you can do this, and you'll be OK. If you stay put you are giving your kids a blueprint that relationships are one sided and it's OK to be abused and ignored by a drug taking man who shouts.

He can't work properly due to his cannabis habit.
And every pound he spends on drugs is money that your family is being deprived of. Therefore your children are suffering.

Suggest you ask to have this thread moved to Relationships. There will be lots of help and advice there if your decision is going to be to split.

But it possible to get back in touch with your family? This problem has isolated you and if you explain why you wanted to try again with him (and it's no shame that it's failed) would they be supportive?

Shouting at the baby would be a dealbreaker for me. If you chuck him out and his depression gets worse then that's his problem. Harsh I know but he is an adult and has to take responsibility for his own well being.

Weed does not help his condition and is known to have a detrimental affect on mental health.
He has stated he won't control or stop his addiction regardless of the affect it has on his family.
He was offered counselling and didn't attend
He doesn't take his prescribed medication.

It is HIS problem to deal with which clearly he is not willing to do.

He shouts at the baby.

What exactly are YOU getting from this relationship?

I'm afraid I'd be packing his bags until he's ready to deal with things.

If you continue to put up with his unacceptable behaviour he will continue to behave as if what he is doing is acceptable. I doubt he will change if you kick him out but he certainly has no motivation to change while you put up with this.

You and your children deserve better.

Yes, throw him out or move out, whichever is easier. You can't help him. No one can, he has to choose to help himself, and he may never do so. Having depression is not a licence to be an arsehole, so don't feel guilty about cutting him out of your lives as much as possible, it's his choice to be a lazy whiny parasite.
Whose name is the house in? If it's in joint names, consult a solicitor, if it's in his make plans to move, if it's in yours you can just tell him to leave and if he won't go, the police can come and remove him.

Having been through a little what you have, although there were no children involved, I can empathise.

There are tremendous feelings of guilt attached to leaving a partner when they suffer from MH issues, however, although alot of blame is put onto the use of cannabis, it is not the cannabis itelf that is the problem more the fact that it is the cannabis use taken by someone with MH issues which exacerbates the situation not makes it better. If your DP won't admit that it doesn't help him and that he relys on the drug in some way or another, then I'm afraid you have to admit to yourself that you have a problem on your hands. You have a drug addicted, mentally unstable partner who is in your home and unpredictable.

I suffered with minor issues of depression and managed to stop smoking it myself as I recognised it was not condusive to making me happy, however my then boyfriend continued to smoke it even though he had suffered from breakdowns in the past. He abruptly stopped his meds and seemed on the outside to be getting better, however, some tell-tell signs that he wasn't still showed sometimes and that caused me to leave him. Yes, I felt guilty as to what would happen to him in the future, but I knew I couldn't put myself in that position again.

A few years down the line I got a call from mutual friends to say that he had been sectioned and they needed to get in touch with his family, he had a major breakdown, was sectioned for a month, had been found in the middle of a park with a chainsaw (tree surgeon) smoking a massive spliff and talking about people being out to get him.

I hope this helps you to realise that none of this is to do with you, until your DP takes responsibility for his own actions then it will never get better and you will find yourself in increasingly worrying situatons. I hope you and your family will be ok and nothing happens to you or your family.