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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of SAHMs

43 replies

TangerinePuppet · 28/04/2012 14:41

Help me see sense here guys!

I look after 2yo DD during the day, but then I work 25 hours per week in the evenings 'til 1 or 2am. DP is lovely, but earns a tiny wage, so I have to contribute a fair amount or we'd go under (we probably bring in just £25K between us Sad)

I am so, so, so tired.

Most of the other mums I mix with, who are really lovely btw, are SAHMs. They don't have to worry at all about bringing in a wage as their DPs/DHs earn good salaries.

God I envy them SO MUCH Envy

Jealousy is a shit emotion I could do without in my life. These are great people by the way and I don't think any less of them for it at all. I justwish I could as well Grin

How do other mums who HAVE to work deal with it?

OP posts:
Trying2bgd · 28/04/2012 14:43

Lol, have just been on a thread about SAHMs being disrespected and undervalued and then I read your post! Bless ya!

Hope you get some good advice.

susiedaisy · 28/04/2012 14:45

I think its your tiredness that getting the better of you, it sounds like you are getting next to no rest, working until the early hours and then I presume getting up with a lively toddler and doing housework etc during the day, I would be shattered as well, If I were you I would see if you could change your working hours or arrange for a bit of help with babysitting one afternoon a week so you have a bit more time to put your feet up, easier said than done though I know !

manicinsomniac · 28/04/2012 14:48

YANBU to feel jealous of something you want.

For me personally, it would be hell on earth to be a sahm.

But I am jealous of many other groups of people.

whattodowho · 28/04/2012 14:48

erm well I am currently a SAHM and I'm jealous of mums that work.

I used to have a lovely job but when dd2 put in an appearance the stress of juggling nursery care, after school clubs, breakfast clubs and holiday clubs plus a 3 hour daily commute combined with zero family support and a dh who was out the house for 13 hours a day (so couldnt help with drop-offs) meant I had to give up my job.

I am jealous of working mums who have family who provide free childcare for them and so never have to worry about what to do with the dc's during the incredibly long and frequent school holidays. I'm particularly jealous of my friend who holds down a satisfying full-time job while her mum looks after her dc's everyday for free.

I've been offered a new job but its looking likely I won't be able to accept (breaks my heart to say no) because I just cant manage the childcare for 1 dd at school and another going to nursery plus a commute.

When I did work and had the 1 dd I used to be jealous of SAHM. Now I know the reality I wish I was back at work! What I'm trying to say is the grass is always greener...

Original poster
TangerinePuppet · 28/04/2012 14:49

Man! To wake up and not have to worry about earning money though!!

In my dreams!

OP posts:
DogEared · 28/04/2012 14:50

I am in a not dissimilar position. Work from home around the DC, which means as soon as they go to bed, I start working- Very very tiring. Also, it means we don't get a lot of family time as I have to work when DH is at home.
BUT I have grown to love it! It makes me feel like I'm doing really well to do both, and I'm so lucky to be doing the SAHM thing during the day as well as working... Lots of people feel pressurised into working FT when their DC are little, and although I'm knackered, I am very lucky to have the choice.
2 years old is a difficult time, they're hard work... They do get easier, I promise. :)

knowitallstrikesagain · 28/04/2012 14:51

YABU but I can see why. I think what you are jealous of is people who work normal, sociable hours. Most WOHPs don't hang around with SAHPs because the hours are different. You are spending all day looking after DD then going to work. That is bloody hard.

I have known lots of SAHMs who would love to work, even part time, but with 2 kids the cost of childcare in a lower paid job would not make it worthwhile and the jobs they would be doing can be picked up after a few years absence without affecting career structure. People without family to help with the cost of childcare all make decisions based on finances. Some SAHPs are not doing it through choice!

All that said (and I know it has been said before!) you have the hardest of both worlds and I have no advice to offer because everyone I know works during the day and then have at least some evening to themselves after DC are in bed. Hope things get easier for you.

Original poster
TangerinePuppet · 28/04/2012 14:52

Good to hear DogEared Grin

I must admit DD is gorgeous but needs to be entertained every minute of every day!

OP posts:
whattodowho · 28/04/2012 14:52

tangerine we have other things to worry about though mainly the fact we're not earning money ie never being able to get back into employment because we've not been economically active in the workforce for some time. Employers don't really care that you've been at home raising a family fulltime they want to employ people with current skills and experience. Worries me no end.

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 14:54

Well you're basically doing two jobs, so I can quite see why you are jealous of people who only have to do one :o

Just make sure you are getting enough rest, OK?

That goes for your DH too.

:)

bramblina · 28/04/2012 14:55

I am a SAHM and look after ds (6) and dd (4) and am pg with no 3.

My dh and I are self employed, he works away 6 days a week, and I do the paperwork in the evenings. I am also so, so, so tired, and since July (so that's in 10 months) we have only drawn £14k from the business. I am jealous of your £25k!!!
I deal with it because I have to. I am happy with my situation, it's all my (our) choice, except the money but that's because of the business we're in and this bloody recession.
I agree that it's your tiredness that prob isn't helping so I think you need to think about your situation and realise you are actually really lucky. Well, compared to me you are!! Being alone is really hard and I just wish I shared a bed with my dh every night.

I have a friend who once said she was jealous of me because she has to cook big meals every night for her dh and family and I don't- I wish that was my only worry! I would much rather trade places.
Smile

MizK · 28/04/2012 14:56

I have done both and totally get the stressy tired thing when you work.

But believe me, the sameness of being a SAHM can be very tough. My life is mapped out by school pickups, baby groups, naptimes and after school activities - I miss being able to sit at my desk and gossip about my colleagues rather than making chitchat about BLW and teething.Plus people expect you to be some sort of superwoman with a perpetually clean house, freshly blow dried hair and available to help out everybody else at a minutes notice - because its not like you work or anything, is it?
On the plus side, some days I get to lounge on the sofa watching films if everything's done and the baby is asleep, and I don't have that pressured feeling of juggling everything that I remember from my full time working days.

Most of us envy one another at times I think :)

attheendoftheday · 28/04/2012 14:56

I've felt like this before. I deal with it by asking myself if I'd swap dp for someone else's wealthier dp (I wouldn't) then telling myself to get on with things and stop comparing my family's circumstances with other people's circumstances.

Or I think about the many people who are worse off. At least dp and I have both jobs that mean we can be flexible, and my lovely mil helps with our childcare. At least you've got a job that works around your dp's, things could be worse.

I also try to thing about the positives. By working I'm modelling equality in a relationship to dd, it also means we'd still have an income if anything happened to dp. And it means dp has dd two days a week alone which has been great for their relationship and would mean they'd manage better if anything happened to me.

lilbreeze · 28/04/2012 14:58

Thing is you seem to be doing both roles! Sahm every day then work 25 hours on top -essentially are doing two jobs so no wonder you're envious of others.

Is there any way your dp can increase his earnings? Or could he work part time and do a couple of days a week as a Sahd so that you could work those days? Wouldn't necessarily increase your household income but might spread the load more.

jojane · 28/04/2012 14:59

I work 2-4 evenings a week inc fri and sat. DH works mon to fri so we don't really get much 'us time' which I am finding the hardest at the moment. At work I am doing well (they offered me full time manager position but I turned it down due to childcare costs for 3 as well as the fact it would mainly be evenings so would hardly see the kids as they would be at school ) I do a good job a mum, school runs, crafts, baking, toddler groups and have a really good group of friends. But as a wife I am crap- too tired in the evenings to do more than watch tv or am at work. We don't have the money to go on nights out/nights away do at the moment we have no spark which is causing some tension :-(.

Just wish I could win enough on lottery to buy a house (nothing posh) then with no rent or mortgage to pay I wouldn't have to work and our lives would be a bit happier and less rushed!

LimeMilkshakeForAlbertoFrog · 28/04/2012 15:00

Oh blimey, that's a tough call. BUT it won't be forever, you're doing what you have to for the good of your family. Your daughter will be at school in the blink if an eye. When I was a SAHM I was envious of this with jobs because I thought I'd never get one I liked, things change though.

Can you plan something to look forward to? Look after yourself.

Gooshka · 28/04/2012 15:00

Agree with whattodowho. I always worked and had a well paid job but i too envied SAHMs constantly. Two years ago, I quit work to be at home as my family doubled when my stepchildren moved in and we just couldn't juggle our work/home life (and my childcare fees were £700 per month!). Within just a few months I started to feel I'd made a mistake - money was tight, I felt undervalued and it just didn't sit easy with me, can't explain it really. I, therefore, decided to retrain in a career that addressed the life/work balance (we also don't have family support for childcare) and I'm now working as a Teaching Assistant in my son's school having qualified in March this year. I'm on rubbish money compared to my last job but I absolutely love it and it means I get the best of both worlds. I feel happy being a working mum as there is no stress - I have a 5 minute walk to school and I'm back in time for the other children too. I also contribute to the family purse even if it is a tiny amount It is so true that the grass is always greener but I do understand your envy as I've felt it myself. Must be exhausting working shifts with such young child.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/04/2012 15:01

I am a sahm and while it's true that I don't have to worry about earning the money, I do worry about the fact that we, as a family, are utterly dependent on my DH's job. I feel a bit as if all our eggs are in one basket.

There have been advantages to me sah, but also disadvantages - I would find it very hard to get a job now, because I have been out for so long. This makes me worry a bit, especially in our current economy.

So it's not all brilliant from this side of the fence either. Hope things improve for you.

Original poster
TangerinePuppet · 28/04/2012 15:02

All very sensible stuff - thank you Smile

Many of these women aren't ever planning to return to work as their DPs can provide for ever iyswim.

DP isn't very driven, so I can't see his wages going up. I knew this when I met him though and it was the size of his, erm, heart that I went for as opposed to the size of his wallet Wink

I work in the evenings as if I worked during the day my wage wouldn't cover childcare costs. As it stands DP can care for DD while I'm out in the evenings.

I do have quite a cool job though and realise from that POV I am lucky and should stop whingeing and get the hell on with it.

I'm sure when DD starts pre-school things will ease up a bit Smile

OP posts:
LimeLeafLizard · 28/04/2012 15:02

How long until your DD is eligible for free nursery care? Sound like you need a break since you are working two jobs (SAHM & actual job).

fedupofnamechanging · 28/04/2012 15:06

Tangerine, their DP's might not be able to provide forever - it is a risk being a sahp. Redundancy, illness, disability etc could happen to any of us - at least you know you could bring some money in, so your risk is spread more evenly.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 28/04/2012 15:49

Gooshka (thread hijack alert) - how did you train as a TA and how long did it take and how much did it cost? .

dreamingofsun · 28/04/2012 16:10

lashings- not sure if things have changed in the last couple of years, but at my kids school many of the TA's didn't seem to train at all. They helped out informally with the school, were pally with the head, and then were offered jobs. I think they were then encouraged to do an NVQ in the evenings.

startail · 28/04/2012 16:12

Personally I think what SAHM and WMs are all jealous of is parents with family's or friends to provide childcare on tap.Envy

It gives so much freedom!

lashingsofbingeinghere · 28/04/2012 16:27

dreamingofsun - thanks for that. Trouble is although I did help out at my DC's schools when they were little, it was years ago, so I have no relationship now with any local primaries. I think I will just start to ask around and see where that leads.