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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend should be more sorry than she is...

68 replies

ITtroubles · 28/04/2012 13:51

A close friend and I email each other a lot- bit like you'd text but we email. I recently found out that her 14 yr old DD has access to the email account via her smartphone, as it's a family email account. I have said quite a lot of very personal things in the emails over a year or more, and I am worried the DD has read them- relationship issues etc. My friend has just brushed this off saying DD would not be interested etc etc. and that she usually deletes emails quickly- but I still feel that her DD could have read them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITtroubles · 28/04/2012 14:13

Theyoungvisito look- you are mising the point.
My friend would have deleted anything in the emails that she didn't want her DD to read, before she came home from school.

My friend is so IT naive that she did not know that DD could be reading emails from her phone at school etc.

I didn't know the DD had a phone that could access emails.

Is it clear now?

OP posts:
AvocadoAndFitch · 28/04/2012 14:14

Did you posts about this recently? It's really annoying me that I'm sure I've read this before, so had to ask.

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 28/04/2012 14:15

Has she said sorry already?

How sorry do you want her to be?

theyoungvisiter · 28/04/2012 14:16

I'm not missing the point.

I understand your point. You did not know her DD was accessing the emails and you're pissed off at that - I understand that.

My point is that you were being naive to assume that, in a house full of teens, with an email address you knew to be shared, that no-one else could POSSIBLY access the emails. I would not make that assumption unless the person specifically told me that the email address was sacrosanct.

How could she possibly know every single time you sent an email that she could guarantee to log in and delete it before her husband saw it? That seems highly unlikely to me that she'd remember EVERY single time, and he'd NEVER log in early or late.

Catsmamma · 28/04/2012 14:16

Well define "soon"

immediately?? five minutes?? after his lunch hour where he might be checking emails? ten minutes before bed just in case he does a final log in to check??

YOU are over thinking this. and no one is interested in the dh's job.

YABU

Catsmamma · 28/04/2012 14:18

sits in the "missing the point" corner with theyoungvisiter because we are not agree with the op

Catsmamma · 28/04/2012 14:18

agreeING

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/04/2012 14:18

My ds16 can access my MN account anytime he wants, he knows my user name and he also knows my email password.
I'm quite happy because he has no interest in my middle aged ramblings, and if there important issues I'd tell him anyway.

theyoungvisiter · 28/04/2012 14:20

Ok, I've just re-read your last and now I'm really confused.

You're saying your friend didn't actually KNOW that her daughter was accessing the emails on her phone, because she is "IT naive"??

What are you angry about then? Her DD was accessing the emails without her knowing - what did you expect her to do about this if she didn't even know? Confused

Coconutty · 28/04/2012 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2012 14:25

OK. You know your friend is IT naive. You know she has a shared email account. She had no idea her daughter could have read your emails. There is nothing to suggest that a 14 yo is in the least bit bothered about doing so.

YABU to want a grovelling apology under these circumstances.

Original poster
ITtroubles · 28/04/2012 14:27

theyoungvisitor with respect, you are missing the point.

First, this is not a house full of young teens. There is 1 DD.

Second, my friend and I had had a chat about privacy re. emails some time ago, because I thought that she was the only one able to read my emails. She then told me that she shares the account with her DH although he rarely uses it. This was quite along while after we had started emailing and I'd always thought she had her own account.

At no point then did she also say that DD shared the account.

I am annoyed a little because had the tables been turned, I'd have said to her that I was really sorry not to have understood that DD could be reading emails from another source- her phone.

I don't know why so many people are hostile here- as far as I am concerned, personal emails are there for the recipient only, unless they tell me otherwise.

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 28/04/2012 14:30

Ok. I'm missing the point.

You were completely reasonable to assume that a shared, family email address to which your friend's husband had access would be entirely private.

You're completely right to be angry with your friend over something she didn't actually know was happening.

And of course if there's only ONE teen that makes all the difference.

Confused
habbibu · 28/04/2012 14:32

When we first started using email, back in the mists of time, we were taught to treat it like a postcard, rather than a sealed letter, and I think that advice still holds. Unencrypted email is not a terribly secure medium at the best of times.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/04/2012 14:32

It's not hostile to disagree is it? 'Cos you did ask...

gamerwidow · 28/04/2012 14:33

I think YABU and over reacting. Let this be a lesson to you that email is never secure unless you are encrypting it.
You said yourself she didn't know her DD could access the email so what did you expect her to do about it, it's not like she's deliberately misled you. If you value this should let this go.

gamerwidow · 28/04/2012 14:34

^^If you value your friendship you should let this go

theyoungvisiter · 28/04/2012 14:36

I'm sorry - I realise I'm coming across as unsympathetic, and I'm not.

In your shoes I'd probably be mortified and annoyed if I thought a 14 year old could have been reading my darkest secrets - so I'm not at all surprised you're pissed off.

But I just think you're being a bit unreasonable in 100% blaming your friend. If you put something in writing whether that's a text or anything you just have to accept they might be read by someone else.

Yes, I'd be annoyed in your shoes - but it's not like your friend grovelling is going to change anything, is it? She's probably trying to reassure you and be a good friend to put your mind at ease.

Coconutty · 28/04/2012 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kladdkaka · 28/04/2012 14:37

Nobody is being hostile. We just don't agree with you.

IvanaNap · 28/04/2012 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

ErikNorseman · 28/04/2012 14:41

Did you post this a few weeks ago?

AvocadoAndFitch · 28/04/2012 15:04

Thats what I thought Erik Glad I'm not the only one. OP hasn't answered yet though.

1950sHousewife · 28/04/2012 15:09

I can see why you would be unsettled, but then again I wouldn't be emailing someone with problems if I knew the DH could see them as well. People are very slack about deleting stuff, even in an ideal world.

And WTF with sharing email accounts anyway? That is soooooo '90s.

I wouldn't ask for an apology as it just seems naive on both your parts. I would take it as live and learn. Nothing, unless said face to face, in a field, is safe.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2012 15:12

You sent them to a shared account

It doesn't matter imo who she shared that account with...the fact is you knew you weren't sending private emails that only she could read.

I have no idea why your friend is incapable of simply taking less than a minute to make her own email account but I suggest you make one for her.

www.gmail.com