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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think stay at home mothers and fathers are utterly disrespected and unappreciated by society in general?

76 replies

peanutbutter38 · 28/04/2012 11:32

After reading several threads on Mumsnet recently, I've come to the conclusion that stay at home Mums and Dads are regarded with a fairly substantial dose of disdain. Most MN threads which involve problems a sahm is having, involve advice along the lines of 'you should work when the children get to school' (school holidays/before/after care for 3 kids anyone?), or 'your husband must be very worried at being the sole breadwinner' and 'I'd go insane being at home with my kids 7 days a week' and gems such as 'my kids are better off in daycare.' The overall implication is that any woman, or man, choosing to be a stay at home parent is a brainless numpty who has no life, no ambition and is doing the Wrong Thing. And then we've gout our lovely Deputy PM saying we need to get away from the sepia tinted 1950's model. wtaf? I wonder how many childminders and nursery workers are aware their employers think that childcare is dull as fuck and only for uneducated individuals with no ambitions?

OP posts:
timetoask · 28/04/2012 12:16

I do think society in general has lost sight of how important it is for parents to spend enough quality time with their children. I worked full time up until last August, I would try to be home by 5:30, my children go to bed at 7:30, not enough time really.
I think we have become a very money obsessed society, everything is expensive, both parents need to work in most cases go make more money and collect more stuff. When children really need not more stuff but more time with their parents.

Proudnscary · 28/04/2012 12:17

I work FT but a majority of my friends are or were SAHMs and it has never mattered one iota to any of us what our choices are.

If I had gone into raptures about what a valuable and important job they were doing they would have thought I had gone insania or that I was taking the piss!

DrCoconut · 28/04/2012 12:19

It always seems to be working mums that are criticised from where I'm standing. Maybe that is the point, you notice things more if they apply to you? Like the baby programmes that appear when you're pregnant, nasty stories about teens when your DC hit 13, single mum stuff if you are a lone parent etc.

Vessel · 28/04/2012 12:20

I agree. Took ds to a Baby Sensory class and one of the first things I was asked by fellow mum was 'so, when are you going back to work?' I did go back but would have felt very awkward had I not been employed and I think the question was not so much making conversation as finding out whether I had a job or not...

Eggrules · 28/04/2012 12:23

As long as there is respect and appreciation within the family unit, why does it matter what 'society in general' thinks? Other people don't pay your bills and if you can manage financially and are happy to stay home all power to you.

DPrince · 28/04/2012 12:24

Maybe we see what we indentify with. I work fulltime, by choice. I find in rl some women are scathing. Especially the older women at work who were sahms and talk go me like I am abusing my kids. My dh works evenings (he owns a restaurant) I work during the day. Some women have even said they would not 'allow' their dh to work evenings or trust them with their kids. Luckily neither me or dh give a crap about what people think. Get over it, people will judge you no matter you'd choices, some people are just like that.

minimisschief · 28/04/2012 12:28

from a personal point of view i find people very against me being a sahd from comments.

the fact that my partner was working in a decent job while i was studying, then we had a child and couldnt fit another job around that job or afford childcare didnt seem to matter to people.

DPrince · 28/04/2012 12:28

Its interesting that the only 2 people to say anything negative about someone roses choices are sahms. The op and time. Kind of disproves the op.

Vessel · 28/04/2012 12:29

I've heard countless mothers say that going back to work was like a break! Before I went on maternity leave, I had colleagues say things to me along the lines of 'nine months sat on your arse?!' and could only tell them they were in for a shock if they ever have kids.

SecretSquirrels · 28/04/2012 12:42

I do think that it makes a difference, if you have a choice financially, whether you have a rewarding and interesting career or just a job.

CountryMouse27 · 28/04/2012 12:51

To answer the title post "unappreciated by society in general" then you have to appreciate that the general public will look upon a nurse who works 60 hours a week and is mum to three kids, for example, more sympathetically and feel they are contributing to society more than a SAHP. The fact that the SAHP may well be supporting a partner who is also doing a long tiring job is not at question.

Do you want appreciation for contributing to the big society by staying at home to look after your family?

Is this just a money related post? I have to work v's my partner works hard so I can look after them and the family?

bewitchedandbewildered · 28/04/2012 13:02

I'm with Eggrules on this one. It's a matter of what you and your nearest and dearest want and think of you that is important. Make your choices based on what suits you and your family. Society is diverse, so societies expectations have nothing to do with it.

Vessel · 28/04/2012 13:05

I don't think there's anything wrong with being sahp OR working parent, either way you're contributing somehow. What bugs me is a couple in which neither parent is working and who are relying on benefits (unless there's a good reason why neither can work of course).

TrollopDollop · 28/04/2012 13:24

I kind of agree with you. Pre DCs I had a full on 'important' job - I would often get looks of amazement when I told them what I did. I then gave up work for a few years to look after pre school children and when asked the same question people catergorise people according to what they do. I find society in general holds highly paid jobs largely male driven jobs in higher esteem. Anything to do with caring (less so medicine) such as nursing and childcare is seen as womens work and generally of lesser importance.
We live in a society which values money and power over caring and that extends to SAHP.

However,there is a flipside. I have seen equally derisory remarks about working mothers (very few about working fathers of course) .

Perosnally I have been in all sides of the debate. I was one of the only ones to return to work after my first was born and she went to nursery two days a week.I was quizzed and blatantly judged about my decision. I remember feeling like crap but not having no choice. We had to pay our mortgage. Fast forward 3 years and our finances had changed so I gave up work once DC2 was born. I stayed off for a few years and was equally judged by people who worked with comments such as the ones you quoted. It's life. Its what happens when you geta load of people airing their opinion and defending their own choices.

I say you make a decision thats right for you at the time for your circumstances and blow what everyone else thinks.

ivanapoo · 28/04/2012 13:28

OP, take a look at your shoulder - is there a massive chip on it?

You sound v defensive. I don't think I've ever seen a thread on here calling SAHMs stupid or even anyone telling them they are wrong to stay at home (unless they are moaning about their situation eg "we don't have enough money to buy panda steaks for dinner and I could go back to work given we have a live in nanny but I don't want to, AIBU?").

I've certainly not come across that in RL either - in fact, quite the opposite (friends feeling sorry for others having to return work FT due to finances etc, whether or not the person wants to go back).

I thought Nick Clegg's comment re 1950s was more to do with making equal opportunities in the workplace more easily available for women who choose to work, not an attack on SAHMs.

Like another poster says, you are definitely projecting.

catgirl1976 · 28/04/2012 13:44

YABU

I care at all what you do with your life or your children.

I. just. don't. care.

Neither does anyone else.

catgirl1976 · 28/04/2012 13:44

I don't care at all rather Blush

I realy, really, don't

Kayano · 28/04/2012 13:52

There is another thread around where someone says they wouldn't dare 'shove their kids in nursery'

Hmm

So YABU and only cherry picking the things on MN that back up our argument. Not lon ago there was a 'what did you bother having kids for' thread by a SAHM who thought her friend working full time was emotionally damaging her children

So Biscuit and get reading properly please

Emmielu · 28/04/2012 13:53

You're never going to get that balance where working parents are respected the same as sahp. Working parents get criticized for putting their kids in childcare past school hours. Sahp get criticized for not working. It's a vicious loop. & unfortunately just how things will always be. Get over it op.

Original poster
peanutbutter38 · 28/04/2012 13:56

interesting replies. I probably am projecting yes, because I do feel embarrassed when I have to justify my position. I've had enough eye rolling expressions and rude comments over the years to know that telling someone I'm currently a sahm will get a negative reaction. From women usually. I've had most positive comments from men.
It's easy for me to do a comparison like this because I've been a working Mother (for several years) with my children in daycare. And I can honestly say that I only received support, admiration and praise when I was doing that. Everyone told me how important it was to work and what a great example I was setting my children etc.. and yet, when I announced that I probably wasn't returning to work after number 3, almost everyone I knew viewed it as a negative and said: 'but what about your job, you can't give that up?' etc. Luckily my husband is and always has been incredibly supportive of any decision I/we make, so no concerns there.
But chip op my shoulder? Damn right!

OP posts:
AnnoyingOrange · 28/04/2012 13:59

Since becoming a mother, I have worked full time, part time and not at all.

My choices at each stage were the right choice for me and my family and I have never cared what other think or say.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/04/2012 13:59

I think it is true to say that we notice the criticisms that apply to our own choices.

I have seem comments about how sahm are not setting good examples for their children/contributing to society etc. I've also seen comments equating nurseries to day orphanages. Both of those comments would smart, depending on your own particular circumstances.

People can be very black and white in their judgements of other people and the OP is not wrong to say that those judgements do exist. People in general, could do with remembering that decisions to woh or sah are not always straight forward choices - they depend on all manner of factors coming together in the right way to make either 'choice' workable for a particular family.

Jinsei · 28/04/2012 14:10

YABU.

I work FT as I am the main breadwinner for our family. My employer values the work that I do, and my family appreciates the money that I earn and the other things that I do for family life too. I don't feel that the wider society values my contributions in any way at all. And why should it?

You deserve to feel valued and appreciated by your family for the contributions that you make to family life, but there is no reason why your choices should be valued by society any more or less than mine.

Vessel · 28/04/2012 14:11

catgirl why comment? Bizarre.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 14:12

People just get poles apart on MN. In RL I didn't find it a problem, I loved being at home with mine, so what others think doesn't matter.

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