Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be honest with my mum re: party guests?

50 replies

iceandsliceplease · 27/04/2012 21:19

Right, I think this is going to be a long one, so sorry in advance.

Two years ago there was a major falling out in our family, with the result that my dad, sister & I no longer have any contact with my brother. My mum is still in touch with him.

My parents live out of the country for most of the year, and we rent their UK house from them - cheaper rent for us, and they have a a place to stay when they come back here. In a few weeks time it's my mums birthday and she's throwing a big party at the house here. The subject of her inviting my brother came up a few times when she was last here, and I told her that whilst I don't really want him to come, it's her party, her house (ish!) and I would grit my teeth and put up with him being here. In the end, she said she thought it would be too awkward for everyone, and also that she doesn't entirely trust my dad not to say something after a few drinks.

Big relief all round.

Until tonight. I've just had an email from her about something else. Right at the end she says 'I´ll only be sixty once & I would like X to come to the party, but I don´t want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Tell me what you think'.

Now it is her party, and I don't want to say no. But....I would feel massively awkward, uncomfortable, angry with him for coming, and possibly resentful towards my mum for inviting him to 'my' house. But...it is her party. And this is her house. But... it's also my house, and I've told him in the past that he is not welcome at my house. But...I did tell her before that I would put up with it.

So. Would I BU to be honest with her and tell her that whilst I don't want him to come, I will put up with it (which sounds really martyred, I know)? Or say I just don't want him to come at all? Or do I just say, 'Your party, your guests'?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 27/04/2012 21:20

What was the row about? Is there any way you can mend things before the party? Because I would say that it would be nice for you all to sort it out for her sixtieth birthday, but if someone was being unbelievably awful that might not be so easy...

lilackaty · 27/04/2012 21:22

Her party, her guests. I think the house thing isn't really relevant as it is her party and the venue happens to be where you live. Is he likely to come with what has happened in the past?

duckdodgers · 27/04/2012 21:22

You haven't said what the falling out was all about though?

fivegomadindorset · 27/04/2012 21:23

Think you are oing to have to suck it up or find somwhere else to have the party.

curiositykitten · 27/04/2012 21:24

You said before that it was her decision. I would say that - unless anything has happened in the meantime - I'd stick to what I'd said before.

BanalChelping · 27/04/2012 21:26

Depends really what you fell out over; my sister ignored me for six months after an argument about high pressure weather fronts in winter - she probably wouldn't have banned me from a family birthday because of it though.

aletea · 27/04/2012 21:26

Depends what the fight was about. If it was over gravy - suck up his invitation and get over it. If he smacked your kid around - stick to your guns.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2012 21:27

Well as three of you don't talk to your brother (what do other relatives think about it all?) it's certainly not going to be the most convivial party ever.
I don't think it's a good idea for him to come really.
Will it really be worth it for her? It would fill me with horror.

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 27/04/2012 21:30

The falling out would take quite a lot of time to explain, but in essence, my brother & I were in business together, I had a massive nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, had to leave the business. My brother was very angry with me (referring to it as my 'little stunt'), tried to take legal action against me, told people I'd stolen money from the business when I hadn't, a whole lot of crap, basically.

There's a lot more than that, but that's the starting point. I will never accept an apology from him, and I doubt that he ever will apologise in any case.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 27/04/2012 21:35

If it's something you really can't budge about, you'll have to be honest I think.

TastesLikePanda · 27/04/2012 21:36

I think you have to be completely honest with your mum about your feelings - this way she cannot turn around and say 'oh you said it was fine' when clearly it isn't. It does sound like a massive and justified falling out on your part.

tbh if it was me, I wouldn't go to the party and maybe try to find a way to clbrate with your mum, just the two of you - but don't make it into a 'pick me or him' situation... just be totally honest and say that you wouldn't be comfortable or relaxed in his presence so you would rather not be there.

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 27/04/2012 23:05

Nanny, I'm kind of struggling to understand how she expects things to be - my sister & I will feel massively awkward, and I really don't know how my dad will react. She told me that when she spoke to my brother about it he said that it's up to her, he will go along with what she wants (which really pissed me off tbh, I feel he should have said that he wouldn't come, but would do something special with her outside of the party).

TastesLikePanda I think I might have to say that. In some ways, that might be a better option. My parents are going to be here with us for ten days, so there's plenty of time for her & I to do something together that's special, and that way she can have my brother at the party and not worry that I'll feel awkward.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 27/04/2012 23:09

I'm sorry it's a party about your mum. He is her son. Grown up, act like adults and behave yourselves for one night for the sake of the woman who gave you life. No matter how much you hate him, your poor mum is stuck in the middle and pretty sure is very upset about the whole thing.
You don't even need to talk to him

lisad123 · 27/04/2012 23:09

And why should he be the one to turn down the invite?? Hmm

ThreadWatcher · 27/04/2012 23:14

I would let him come if your mum wants him there but ignore him if at all possible.
If you do speak to him be ultra polite.

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2012 23:24

Your mum knows how you feel because you've already told her, so no point in saying it again.

As you've said it's up to your mum who she invites, I would leave it up to her to decide what to do. To me, her asking you whether he should come is just her trying to make it your responsibility so she doesn't have to decide.

I can understand that, she obviously loves you both and doesn't like you falling out, probably wants to make it all better for you (as mums do Smile) and is powerless to force you to.

I don't have any contact with my wanker of a brother, and we fell out around my mums 60th birthday funnily enough (or not as the case may be Grin) and my mum tried everything under the sun to manipulate me using other people to sort it out. But he's never going to change, and I'm never going to accept someone who's such an arse, so she's had to come to terms with my decision.

Does your mum think getting you together will start you talking to him and the beginning of the end? When in reality it'll be awkward/civil greetings and you trying to avoid him, not something you want for a party or to do to your daughter.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/04/2012 23:34

How do your Dad and sister feel about it? I really do feel for you as it sounds like the original fall out was horrific and your Bro was being VU, but tbh my gut feeling is that it's a very special occasion for your mum and totally understandable that she wants all her children to be present. Presumably there will be enough other people attending that you won't actually have to have much to do with him on a personal level?

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 23:39

Why don't you have the party somewhere neutral? You wouldn't have to worry about him being in your home and the impersonality of the place would probably help everyone.

In your position I would hate to wonder where he was in my house all the time, whereas in a hall or club I wouldn't care as much.

It's your mum's party, though, ultimately and it's her say on who's there. Don't refuse to go - that's very rude. Just go and take no notice of him. Surround yourself with friends and don't talk about him whilst he's there.

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 27/04/2012 23:42

AgentZigZag I really do think that my mum thinks that one day everything will magically resolve itself, and if we just got together in a relaxed environment... we would end up singing Ebony & Ivory and holding hands. She's convinced I still care about him. But I don't. And I've tried to hide that from her, because I know it must hurt her - if DS & DD fell out as spectacularly, I would be devastated. And I've told her that. Whereas my brother has sobbed on her shoulder that everyone hates him, he's so misunderstood, he's so alone, thank god for you mum, you understand me, the rest of the family are evil...

I think I have to bow out of the party.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 27/04/2012 23:43

Your mum must be in constant pain over the two beings she gave life to hating one another, I'd suck it up for her sake tbh.

Maryz · 27/04/2012 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisad123 · 27/04/2012 23:48

Do your going to miss your mums party?? Hmm seriously act like an adult.
You don't have to talk to him, but FGS can't you just be in the same room for your mums sakeAngry

MoonlightandRoses · 27/04/2012 23:50

I am assuming there is some reason that the party can't be held at a neutral venue?
Maybe, instead of re-iterating what you've already talked over with her, just reply with "My feelings haven't changed from our last discussion. That is separate from the fact that it is your party. Please invite whoever you wish to". You can be clear in your sentiment without sounding grudging.
Yes, it will be tough to see him in your house given the history, but if it makes her happy, then think of it as an added birthday present.

Maryz · 27/04/2012 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teeb · 27/04/2012 23:58

How many people will be at this party? Is it going to be an immediate family only, or will there be family friends/neighbours too? In which case it will be lots easier to rotate and mingle and avoid each other.