Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be honest with my mum re: party guests?

50 replies

iceandsliceplease · 27/04/2012 21:19

Right, I think this is going to be a long one, so sorry in advance.

Two years ago there was a major falling out in our family, with the result that my dad, sister & I no longer have any contact with my brother. My mum is still in touch with him.

My parents live out of the country for most of the year, and we rent their UK house from them - cheaper rent for us, and they have a a place to stay when they come back here. In a few weeks time it's my mums birthday and she's throwing a big party at the house here. The subject of her inviting my brother came up a few times when she was last here, and I told her that whilst I don't really want him to come, it's her party, her house (ish!) and I would grit my teeth and put up with him being here. In the end, she said she thought it would be too awkward for everyone, and also that she doesn't entirely trust my dad not to say something after a few drinks.

Big relief all round.

Until tonight. I've just had an email from her about something else. Right at the end she says 'I´ll only be sixty once & I would like X to come to the party, but I don´t want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Tell me what you think'.

Now it is her party, and I don't want to say no. But....I would feel massively awkward, uncomfortable, angry with him for coming, and possibly resentful towards my mum for inviting him to 'my' house. But...it is her party. And this is her house. But... it's also my house, and I've told him in the past that he is not welcome at my house. But...I did tell her before that I would put up with it.

So. Would I BU to be honest with her and tell her that whilst I don't want him to come, I will put up with it (which sounds really martyred, I know)? Or say I just don't want him to come at all? Or do I just say, 'Your party, your guests'?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2012 23:59

I do feel for you mum, as I can tell you do too, she's trying to be there and protect her lad when he's at his most isolated. She probably knows he's been an arse, but when it's your own child you see things in the context of their lives and your love for them rather than that particular part of who they are IYSWIM?

She's being loyal, and that's lovely because you know you can expect the same loyalty from her.

That part of the situation isn't a reflection on the love she has for you, her saying she wants him there isn't saying she thinks any less of you.

Lisad said you need to grow up, but that's the important part about it, you're an adult and can choose who to have contact with and who you want to avoid at all costs. That's something your mum has to come to terms with, she has no choice over that.

Hopefully she won't 'push you into upsetting her', I don't mean it'd be your fault, but forcing the issue is just setting herself up for a fall and then making you look like the 'awkward one'

MortaIWombat · 28/04/2012 07:08

She's not only 60 once, she's 60 for a whole year!
Seriously, though, can you get together with her and discuss what she is hoping for exactly? Because an atmosphere of icily polite tolerance at a small family gathering would not make for warmth and happy memories. Or will she be happy with you faking sibling love, despite knowing you're faking it? Or is she, in fact, rather naively expecting the two of you to suddenly reconcile and love each other again?

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 07:50

I think that she just wants her family to pretend that they all love each other so that this party can be as memorable as she wants it to be. If you don't feel you can do that you need to tell her.

wheremommagone · 28/04/2012 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePidjin · 28/04/2012 08:09

I would be totally honest.

"Mum, I would find it extremely awkward to gave someone who treated me so contemptuous in my home. However, I love you and will tolerate it for your sake."

iscream · 28/04/2012 08:11

Forget the party for a sec, why wouldn't you accept an apology from him?

Has your name been cleared regarding the theft?
Everyone who attends needs to be on their best behaviour. The fact she can't trust her own husband not to cause trouble "after a few drinks" is very sad. Perhaps he should not have any alcohol if it is a problem, which it is obviously.

gamerwidow · 28/04/2012 08:14

I think you should all put your feelings aside for one night for the sake of your mum and let her have her family together again one more time.
My DH's dad and step dad have a terrible relationship and can't usually be in the same room together but they put it behind them for the day to come to me and DH's wedding and just kept their distance.

It was probably very awkward and uncomfortable for them but they kept their feelings to themselves because it wasn't their day. This is your mums special day and it would be nice if you would just accept that yes you won't enjoy the party but it's not your party so it's not important.

lazymonkeyface · 28/04/2012 08:14

I don't like the talk of it being her house so she calls the shots.

If you pay rent, then it's your home first and foremost

al88 · 28/04/2012 08:16

There's a not dissimilar situation in my family. When there's a family party they get round it by attending at different times. Couple a come for the first couple of hours, quietly bow out, then couple b arrive. Could your Mum ask your brother to come late so, if you really don't want to be around your brother, you could leave early? I think this only works if you are dignified about it and there isn't a fuss.

TrollopDollop · 28/04/2012 08:17

Tell her you will feel awkward but will put your feelings aside for your mum. There is nothing worse than being piggy in the middle in a family.feud.

Longtalljosie · 28/04/2012 08:20

Hmm - I was going to be part of the "grin and bear it" brigade - but I'm not sure what he's done is forgivable. And I don't see why you should be the one made to feel uncomfortable.

It's a horrible situation, but you will have backup from your father and sister. I'm not sure this is a situation which can be resolved in an email conversation between you and your mother - she needs to realise her ebony and ivory moment isn't going to happen and it could mean her party is very uncomfortable.

TrollopDollop · 28/04/2012 08:23

Tell her you will feel awkward but will put your feelings aside for your mum. There is nothing worse than being piggy in the middle in a family.feud.

TrollopDollop · 28/04/2012 08:23

Woops

RightBuggerforit · 28/04/2012 10:00

She's not asking for your permission, so why are you so hung up on the question of whether you should 'say no'? She hasn't given you that as an option. She has asked 'how would you feel about it?' so just be honest and answer the question. 'I'd feel right fucked off about it because I hate him, and I'd have a horrible time avoiding him all evening so as not to have another row'. There. Based on that honest response, she can do what she wants and you can't get into a row with her afterwards because either of you misunderstood each other's position or expected a different outcome to the party.

raspberryroop · 28/04/2012 10:29

Personally - Its your house as you live there 100% of the time - I can understand why your Mum wants your brother there but think she should respect your feelings in your house

ll31 · 28/04/2012 10:36

think you are being unreasonable - its your mums house, its her party and probably she's hoping that maybe party will be start of some kind of helping to bring brother back in to family....

Also, clearly situation where you fell out was horrible for you in particular but you know life goes on - if you were in business with him presumably you'd a good relationship at some stage - is there no chance ever of you maybe not forgiving him but moving on. Even from your own point of view I'd think you'd feel better..

to be honest overall it seems very unreasonable in any case that you cna't just put up with your brother being there for one night - and all act like adults...

ChaoticismyLife · 28/04/2012 11:13

It's the OP's home. Her landlords may be her parents but it's still her home.

OP I think you need to make it very clear to your mum that there will be no reconciliation whether your brother attends or not. It seems to me that she's pinning her hopes on there being one if he does attend and could end up being very disappointed on her 60th when it doesn't happen.

I don't think I could forgive someone in those circumstances either.

bettybat · 28/04/2012 11:38

I hate that whole approach of thinking things can just be resolved and you should just put aside your feelings for the sake of someone else who doesn't like the tension.

There's a not too dissimilar situation in my family only it's just me and my brother. Five years ago, drunk and messed up, he attacked me. The final straw in a long line of fuck-ups on his part. I now refuse to have anything to do with him. He is toxic, destructive and he hurts a lot of people in our family.

I feel for my parents, I really do and I can't imagine what it's like to have your children estranged in that way. But in this situation alone, I have to put myself first. So OP - be under no illusions that you should forgive or accept his apology just for the sake of other people. To forgive or not is a separate matter - if you feel you could be in the same room as him without engaging with him, great. But if you feel you would be doing what happened and yourself a disservice by going then you should be honest with your mum about it. You are not responsible for her feelings in this respect - but it's sad that the person who finally has enough of being treated badly is the person who is held responsible for everyone else's feelings about it.

I would suggest a neutral ground for the party though, whether he/you goes or not. With a family split like that, I think having it at your home just adds to the gravity of the split.

HecateTrivia · 28/04/2012 11:46

I think he did a vile, vile thing and I can understand why you are so hurt. I wouldn't forgive him either

I also think he wants you to be the one to say he can't go, so he can play the victim. He may well believe that you will say he can't go. He wins. He doesn't have to go to an event that is likely to be very uncomfortable for him AND he gets to say that he would have loved to go, but you wouldn't allow it.

So I would say to your mum that if he wants to come, that is his choice.

And find the strength to cope. Gather people around you to be your 'buffer'. Make sure you see nothing of him on the night.

But don't give him the opportunity to cry on your mum's shoulder about how he would have loved to have been there.

hattifattner · 28/04/2012 12:03

Id tell your mum that you do not wish to have him in your home, but you wont stop him attending a celebration - and suggest you move it to the local village hall or community centre. That way she gets her family around her, you get to keep your home to yourself. Job done.

My concern would be that once he has been in your home (lets not call it just a house...) for the party, he will be back the next day to see your folks and you will be unreasonable if you dont let him in....and there you are, back with him in your life and with no way to say no.

Better a win win situation.

HecateTrivia · 28/04/2012 12:08

That's a good idea. Moving the party to somewhere else.

LisaD1 · 28/04/2012 12:23

You rent the house from your parents si in essence they are your landlords and you the tenant. Would anybody else allow their landlord to throw a party in their house and invite someone they hated? of course not!

I think you need to speak to your mum and tell her how you feel, I also think if having her son at her party is so important to her (which I completely understand why it is) then the venue needs to be somewhere other than YOUR home.

I don't speak to my brother either after he caused massive argument on a family holiday (paid for by me!) in front of my children and his. He is not welcome in my home - ever! My mum is obviously upset at how things are, although used to it with him as I was the last of the siblings to fall out with him so he now doesn't speak to any of us! But she understands and doesn't get involved.

DumSpiroSpero · 28/04/2012 12:26

I think Hecate makes a very good point about your brother possibly wanting to play the victim here, and that would definitely sway me to take the middle (higher?) ground.

But I'm a stubborn cow like that!

IDontDoIroning · 28/04/2012 13:06

I agree with all the posters who say although it's the dm's house it's the OP's HOME.

Dm should respect OP's right to refuse certain people into her home, and op. should respect the right of dm to invite whoever she wishes to her party.
Attending or not a party where the db is a guest and having db in her home are 2 separate things.
Have the party at a different location, if she wants to the op can attend briefly see her dm and leave.

Original poster

iceandsliceplease · 28/04/2012 19:14

Thanks for suggestions re: moving to a neutral location. It's unlikely my mum would agree to it, but it's good to have it as a suggestion. To those who have said 'It's your mum's house' - yes, but it is also MY home, I live here all the time, and I don't want him in my home. If I didn't live in this house, I wouldn't have an issue with her inviting whoever she wants.

Hecate that scenario is something that did cross my mind, but I wondered if I was being a bit paranoid! I've decided I'll email Mum tonight and say clearly that whilst I would feel uncomfortable with him there, it's more important to me that she's able to have all her children here for the party and in any case, I fully intend to avoid him for the four or five hours he'll be here for (so she knows there's no chance of a reconciliation).

I spoke to DP about it this morning, and he immediately said 'Don't worry, I'll be with you the whole time, you won't even have to see him.' My sister said much the same thing too, so I'm feeling more reassured about having people around me to avoid any awkward situations. I'm just a bit gutted that something I'd been looking forward to is now going to be an occasion to be dreaded and endured. But it's her party, not mine, and I want her to enjoy it

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread