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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give 5yo DD a "script" for talking to people?

62 replies

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/04/2012 09:42

DD1 is in reception and is "a loner" according to her teacher. I have always known her to be, well, not shy, awkward is probably the word for it - if she wants to play with a child, she goes up to them and stares at them (which upsets them) or says, for example "do you want to play with me? I am playing hide and seek, I will hide and you count" and then runs off to hide without the other child having said anything. Quite often the child was already playing a game of something else.

The teacher says she has tried to set up games where DD1 can interact with other children in her comfort zone - eg reading to the other kids - but that as soon as the task is finished, DD wanders off.

I wasn't all that bothered before, because she didn't seem to mind playing by herself - she kind of happilly potters about at home or bosses the two year old around. But now she has started having nightmares - last night it was that she was being chased by a tiger and nobody cared, and then the tiger ate her :( She also says that she doesn't like playtime because it smells of dead pig The teacher says she spends the time wandering around the edge of the playground by herself :( Last night she said she was sad because her friends won't play with her any more. One of the friends (although the teacher told me that she doesn't really have any) lives near to us (I only know because I do Avon and saw her when I collected a book from the mum) so I said we could invite her to play and her little face lit up :)

Now I am worried that she will spend the time either bossing the other girl around or being odd (we love her oddness btw, she is really finny and clever, but other kids don't seem to appreciate it) so I thought I would give her some little scripts to use when she doesn't know what to say. She has a good memory so she could remember, but whether she would adapt to what was going on I don't know.

She has one friend who lives in my old town - one of my friend's 4 yo daughter, but she made her cry when they were both sat in a museum victorian classroom and DD told her friend that the teacher would hit the children and lock them up. DD didn't understand why this upset her friend, because it was true, but how do I tell her not to scare her friends?

ARGH. Poor DD is getting upset now when it is time to get ready for school :( She has also started having tantrums like a toddler.

I would HE her if she said she didn't want to go full stop but she adores her teacher and loves the work, and is convinced that the other children will play with her one day, they are just being naughty now.

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 27/04/2012 09:52

I would certainly give her little scripts and also role-play.

If you can model the sort of behaviour you want to see from her and show her how friends might react to different sorts of behaviour, I think she sounds bright enough to take in on board.

Littlefish · 27/04/2012 09:57

I think that practising different social situations sounds like a very good idea. I have a feeling that there is a book called something like "The unwritten rules of the playground" or something like that which has been recommended on here before.

I would also suggest re-posting your message in the special needs area as there are lots of people there with children who have had social difficulties who will be able to give you lots of good support and advice.

AGunInMyPetticoat · 27/04/2012 09:59

I'd give it a go! If it works, that's great, if not at least you will know that you've tried everything in your power to help.

I was kind of an awkward kid like that and I wish someone would have tried to help me. I still don't really "get" social interactions at times. It makes things difficult in a lot of ways.

schobe · 27/04/2012 09:59

You could google social stories and perhaps do some of those with your DD.

It's all very well the teacher saying she's a loner and that she has no friends, but what are the school doing to actually HELP her and make school a fun, safe place for her even at break times?

They have a statutory duty to address her personal, social and emotional development. If you need to start pushing for SENCO involvement and assessment in order to get her some support, then I would do so. I'm not saying she has SN or SEN necessarily, but the school doesn't sound like it is stepping up to her needs so you might need to push a bit more.

What is she really, really into? Are there any clubs related to this where she can meet more like minded children?

madmouse · 27/04/2012 10:00

Have you wondered whether your little girl may be on the autistic spectrum? I'm not diagnosing her, just seeing a few things that flag the possibility up for me.

HeathRobinson · 27/04/2012 10:01

'I was kind of an awkward kid like that' -Yep, me too, Gun.

CharminglyOdd · 27/04/2012 10:04

Are there any books she likes in particular? I can't think of any specific series but when you read to/with her could you pause at a relevant interaction (e.g. the characters are trying to play together and one doesn't want to) and expand and try and get your DD to relate to what you 'should' do in those situations?

I was also a very odd child, didn't have any real friends and found it easier to relate to situations I read in books (hence my suggestion).

Everythingsgoingtitsup · 27/04/2012 10:09

Your dd sounds delightful, a real character! Role playing and practicing scripts is an excellent idea, I'm going to steal it for my ds who threatens to lick other children up in prison.

Original poster

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/04/2012 10:10

She likes history and science, but I'm not sure there is much for 5yos to do related to that. She goes to Rainbows too, and she likes that, although I don't know how good she is socially there.

I've been thinking of taking her to dancing classes, but I was thinking it might be too tiring for her and take up saturdays when we have already lost monday to friday to school.

I have wondered about aspersgersy stuff (she took ages to toilet train too - she was still wetting twice a day till amonth before turning five) but everyone I have asked professionally has said that she is just a bit odd.

I was awkward too, and I did the same thing with books. She is currently reading (and is obsessed with - sigh) Charlie and the chocolate factory - maybe I could use the naughty children as a lesson?

OP posts:

bumpyboo · 27/04/2012 10:13

This sounds exactly like my DD.
I think it is a perhaps a good idea to give her a script but with no pressure.

At school my DD is now having asessments from SENCO and an ed psych at their request which is all very positive. HAve you thought about going down that route?

BTW its also sounds like me and half my family when we were young!

squidworth · 27/04/2012 10:24

Ask the school about ELSA (emotional literacy), I have seen many independant (bossy) children in reception that by year 2/3 have the strongest friendships. I find reception aged children are led by pre school/ toddler group and parent friendship led. Keep speaking to the school, ask for help and keep strong.

Voidka · 27/04/2012 10:31

Have you spoken to the school about putting a 'buddy' system in place?

jojane · 27/04/2012 10:42

Will be watching this thread as your dd sounds just like my ds. He is 5 and in reception. Extremely clever, reading age of 9+, been assessed by ed pysch as being on 99.7th centile and "extremely superior" he is still not toilet trained which hasn't helped socially as I know some other kids have called him nappy face etc. he loves reading, to the detriment of everything else. He would rather was than play with everyone else.
Part of me isn't worried he is how he is and generally doesn't care about friends (but does seem to think he is friends with everyone when really they have their own friendship groups) but on the other hand I see everyone else going to each others houses for play dates all the time and feel sad that he has never been invited to anyone's house. We did invite one little boy for tea but Alfie spent the whole time telling him jokes which bamboozled the boy a bit and he spent most of the time playing with my 3 yr old dd. I am going to try and arrange some more play dates. He had a play date with my friends little boy who is in the year above but made him cry coz he could read better than him!

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2012 10:46

Yes it sounds like a great idea.

Social skills don't come naturally to everyone, so to teach them to your DD would probably help.

Dawndonna · 27/04/2012 10:51

It sounds as though she does need some help. Yes a script would help. Take a look at some of the websites for social stories too, they can be really helpful.

TattyPole · 27/04/2012 10:55

Marking my place. My DD is the same age and sounds uncannily like yours.

Noqontrol · 27/04/2012 11:11

I got my dd some books off amazon from free spirit publishing. One of them was called talk and work it out, which was about how to get along with others at school. The other was about being a good friend, can't remember what it was called but am sure it's the same publisher. Both books were fab, they gave my dd little
examples and scenarios. It really helped her.

Noqontrol · 27/04/2012 11:12

Sorry, typing on iPhone. Haven't figured out how to do paragraphs on it.

Marne · 27/04/2012 11:34

hi OP, i read this thread earlier but was unsure how to reply (so i went away, had a think and came back).

Your post could have easily been written by me, my dd is very similar, she's a bit of a loner, she likes other children but struggles on holding convosation (unless its about something she is very interested about), she struggles to ask others to play and she will often lose interest and just wonder off. My dd is very bright (2 years ahead with reading, maths and science and working with the year above in a mixed class).

My DD has Aspergers syndrome and was diagnosed at the age of 4 (although we knew from the age of 2), she's now 8 and still struggles with the social side of things, she has a few friends (boys) who are interested in the same things as her, she's a book worm and would chose to read a book over asking someone to play with her. She's doing great at school (other than the social side of things), her teacher has set up a few small groups so she can socialise easier (with 2 other children at a time) and they have a class reward system, if a child has no one to play with someone has to ask them to play, if a child is left out then the class does not get its reward points at the end of the day.

We also do role play at home to help her in different situations and teach her how to approach people to ask to play, she doesn't always want to play and is happy to play on her own, which is ok, if she's happy with that then i don't see it as a problem.

FreudianSlipper · 27/04/2012 11:56

ds (who is 4) can also be a little awkward at times or he was. he is confident but didn't seem to know how to join in unless he was pulled into a game. At Christmas i took him to a party and he just stood around than ran around by himself it was so upsetting to see. He was always ok at nursery though teachers have noticed how he has come out of himself recently

i started taking him to dance/drama classes. it centres around playing games and interacting with each other, he has changed so much in the last few months everyone has noticed and seems more comfortable with himself when he is around other children (he has always been ok around adults) maybe that might be worth a try.

he will now run off at the playground and go and join in before he would potter by himself until someone took him under their wing

FreudianSlipper · 27/04/2012 12:00

he also a few moths back started having tantrums about going to nursery, even though he was doing ok there only had tears a few times when i left i think it was hard work for him, now he is so much more at ease he enjoys nursery a lot more

Original poster

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/04/2012 14:18

Do they do going round for tea at this age???

She has only ever been invited to whole class parties, but I thought that was normal.

Oh DD :(

OP posts:

Original poster

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 27/04/2012 14:25

Well, while we are on it, there is something else... it might be nothing, but she has started doing this weird thing with her tongue, kind of flicking it about in her mouth, especially if she is excited. She used to whistle all the time, but she seems to have moved on to this tongue flicking. Is that an aspergersy thing or am I just looking for stuff now?

OP posts:

neolara · 27/04/2012 14:32

If you do have the little girl around to play, why not have a whole range of "supervised activities" up your sleeve which you can bring out at a moments notice if it all seems to be going pear shaped. e.g. decorating cakes, playdough. You may need to hover around and direct some of the play to make sure everything stays on track. IMO, too much free play can end in often end in disaster on a reception aged playdate.

cwtch4967 · 27/04/2012 14:37

I really don't want to panic you but as the parent of a child on the autistic spectrum your dd does sound to me like she has many traits. I would be trying to follow this up, schools are very bad at picking up ASD in children who are performing well academically but not coping socialy.
Have a look at the National Autistic Society Website - there is a lot of information there, you may find it helpful.
Lots of people with hight functioning ASD / aspergers are able to live full independent lives especially if they get the right help with social skills from an early age - the key is identifying areas of difficulty and putting help and coping strategies in place.

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