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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I don't ask people why they did have children so don't ask me why I don't.

57 replies

Hammy02 · 27/04/2012 09:17

It is so rude and intrusive.

OP posts:

HardCheese · 27/04/2012 15:23

YANBU. I've recently had my first baby, at 39, after a lifetime of not planning to have children, and I used to get asked why not ALL the time by total strangers, as if it was the weirdest and most unnatural thing ever.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/04/2012 15:31

YANBU at all

Some people are breathtakingly stupid and/or insensitive, there are some subjects that are not up for polite conversation

It's nowhere near as bad, but I am often asked if all my children were planned/have the same father/did I keep going to get a girl/do we not have a tele/have we found out whats causing it yet etc etc often in front of said children who are old enough to understand drives me crazy, when DH gets the tele comment he just tells them we have one we just prefer having lots of sex instead usually shuts them right up

Lottapianos · 27/04/2012 15:36

YANBU at all. Not in the slightest.

I work with young children and almost all of my colleagues are women so I have been asked this many many times. I actually don't mind people asking so much, but I do expect a polite response in return! I've been met with 'WHAT???', 'WHY NOT????', 'you'll change your mind', 'I think you should have a baby, you're great with kids' and even 'oh I bet you'll just get pregnant one day and then have to get on with it' and very very . I think my ultimate favourite, on hearing that I don't want to have any children of my own, was 'but how do you know until you have one?' And yes, that person is indeed none too bright!

Or a story about their neighbour/auntie/friend/whoever who was adamant she (always a she, funny that) didn't want kids and then got pregnant by accident and is now expecting her third and loves every minutes. Ok, thanks for that

Think my face is going to be stuck in this pose all evening now!

BBQJuly · 27/04/2012 15:37

YANBU. It's nosy and none of anyone else's business.

"Why do you want to know?" is a good one.

LulaPalooza · 27/04/2012 15:43

YANBU.

I get this question a lot and I hate it.

I want to respond

"Because having to talk to rude and insensitive people like you about it made my insides shrivel up and die"

Floggingmolly · 27/04/2012 15:43

YANBU. There's a massive difference between a conversational "do you have children?" and "Why don't you have children?" Child free couples are not even that unusual these days.

Lottapianos · 27/04/2012 15:45

'when DH gets the tele comment he just tells them we have one we just prefer having lots of sex instead usually shuts them right u'

at your DH. People should just mind their own beeswax.

BusinessTrills · 27/04/2012 16:09

"Prefer having lots of sex instead" could aslo be used for the "why don't you have children?" question - sex and sleep!

Lottapianos · 27/04/2012 16:29

If it helps OP, I always think it speaks volumes about the arseholes people who make such rude comments about someone else's choice which is none of their business and affects their life not one single jot. Why on earth would you care so much about a choice someone else has made? I think some people possibly wish they had made the same choice themselves and maybe didn't have the opportunity. Then again, some people are martyrs and feel they are God's Greatest Gift because they have sacrificed their lives to have a child (or some such overblown rot).

KeepOrfThemCarbs · 27/04/2012 16:32

I would never ask this - so rude and intrusive.

VeronicaSpeedwell · 27/04/2012 16:36

It's unbelievably rude. I heard a fellow customer ask my hairdresser this question last week, which I thought was extra bad because he was at work trying to maintain a pleasant professional relationship with his clients. I don't know how anyone could be so dim as to think that was an OK thing to ask him.

Latonia · 27/04/2012 17:50

I'm way past the age when I could have a child so don't get asked, it's now 'do you have grandchildren'. But from my 20's onwards I was asked regularly. I was not able to have children, no IVF when I was young and initially found it very hard. I agree the question 'do you have a child/ren' is fine, 'why not?' is rude and none of their business.

axure · 27/04/2012 17:56

I'm not interested in your reasons for not having children, but do wonder why you're here on MN where most of the convos include some mention of kids.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 27/04/2012 17:56

YANBU. It gets right on my wick.

nutellaontoast · 27/04/2012 18:06

Of course YANBU, how ruddy rude.

for axure.

MardyArsedMidlander · 27/04/2012 18:09

My favourite comment was 'But won't you regret not having grandchildren?' Er- if I don't want children, why would I want grandchildren???

Floggingmolly · 27/04/2012 18:10

axure. That's just the sort of rudeness the op is talking about

MadameChinLegs · 27/04/2012 18:17

I would never dream of asking someone why they dont have kids. Its rude and assumes that they have failed to acheive a level of adulthood.

That's not to say I dont speculate in my head "hmmm..wonder why Mr and Mrs Upstairs dont have any kids? Better for me I suppose as no toddlers thindering around" but similarly I do speculate on why someone adds to their brood "hmmm, how nice to know that Jane is pregnant, I wonder what made her want another one?" but that is because I only have/want one so I am curious as to the thought process of additionals.

I would never dream of voicing these musings in real life, and they are fleeting thoughts of curiosity rather than judgement.

BlackOutTheSun · 27/04/2012 18:26

YANBU

I don't think it matters if your childless, have 1,2,3 or more dc's. Some prick out there has always got an opinion.

KeepOrfThemCarbs · 27/04/2012 18:33

axure there are a load of posters on MN who are not parents, probably because a lot of the threads are bugger all to do with parenting.

quoteunquote · 27/04/2012 18:50

one of my friends is really funny when asked about her childlessness,

"oh I have a woman in the country that takes care of that for me"

she often rings up and asks to borrow a child, for some event, and arrives at gathering with one of mine in tow, she never elaborates on the set up,

my children adore her and love being a part of her life, which is totally different to ours,

it's quite funny seeing a picture of your child at some society wedding,

she thinks she gets the best part of being a part of children's lives without any of the rubbish bits, and I salute her not adding to the world's over population problems.As far as I'm concerned the more people that love my children the better.

Proudnscary · 27/04/2012 18:55

Nice post, quote.

axure · 27/04/2012 19:00

What a touchy lot you are, yes there are some threads that don't mention children however most do in some way or another e.g. what dress should I buy which will fit post pg tummy, what type of dog is good with kids. May have misunderstood OPs post, sounded to me as if she had no interest in children and personally if I wasn't a mum I wouldn't come here because I wouldn't be interested in the children angle on most talk. Didnt mean to cause offence.

Latonia · 27/04/2012 19:04

Axure - a friend suggested I might like to join and I had my own doubts. This is a subject where I had experienced what the OP is talking about but will no doubt do more lurking than posting. My post above was my first.

axure · 27/04/2012 19:13

Latonia hello, no need to lurk, may as well stick your two penneth in, even if you put your foot in it like me .

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