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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my cousin id being a class a bitch!!!!!!!!

43 replies

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 21:22

arrrrrrh am soooo angry with my cousin atm she is 5mnths pg with first baby and is in a violent relationship i have done everything possible to help her out by letting her stay in my house getting my babies out of bed at 3am to go and get her when shes crying down the phone because her dickhead of a boyfriend has hit her again.

she has stopped talking to all of her friends because of the waste of space and has now stopped talking to her mum ive just looked on facebook to send her a msg to see how she is and she has deleted me so i asked her why and she said "as long as i am talking to her mum she no longer wants to talk to me" aibu or is she just being an ungrateful bitch

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 26/04/2012 21:26

She is being someone who probably isn't thinking straight right now - you have to decide if you will cut her out of your life, or be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong. If you turn your back on her, and her abuser beats her or the baby to death, God forbid you'll never forgive yourself. Her bloke might have stood over her, fist raised, and made her delete you, especially if he knows you would support her against him so to speak. Once the baby arrives she will need you more than ever, and so will that innocent child.

Teeb · 26/04/2012 21:37

She isn't being a class A bitch, no. She's being physically abused. All you can do is offer to support her and let her know you are available if she needs you, and that you won't judge her.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2012 21:38

YABU to think she is a bitch.... her abuser of a boyfriend is probably monitoring everything she does.. so just be there for her when she needs you, which she will, one day.

Chilenachica · 26/04/2012 21:40

She is being controlled by a violent bully. She isn't in a position, right now, to do what we know she needs to do. She's not being ungrateful at all and if she ever does leave she will appreciate the help you've given her. She may not be able to tell you that though, so don't expect it. Just be there for her if and when she needs you.

fivegomadindorset · 26/04/2012 21:41

YABVVVVVVU

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 21:49

i know that i really do and its taking all my strength not to tell her to do one atm the moment she is not in the house with her partner she is at her brothers so i know it is off her own back which is what cuts so deep as we are more like sisters than cousins i totally agree with you about not forgiving myself if anything happend to her or the baby but i just dont know what to do about it

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 26/04/2012 21:51

No, of course she's not being a bitch. She's being abused, manipulated and frightened (ffs).

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 21:59

i do understand that loopy honestly i do but like i said up thread she is not there with him and is at her brothers and has been for about a week after i asked him to come and remove her from the house as she stopped talking to me.

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LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 26/04/2012 22:03

She's still freaking out.

FeakAndWeeble · 26/04/2012 22:04

You asked her brother to remove her from your house because she'd stopped speaking to you whilst she was there?

Maybe that's why she's a bit naffed off with you?

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 22:39

no she was'nt staying at my house at the time but with her boyfriend my sil went round to see her and she had bite marks all over her face so i asked her brother to go and get her out as she was'nt speaking to me from the week before.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 22:53

So she's fallen out with her mum, because her mum is telling her to leave the BF?

Bite's on the face are very different to being hit, in that there is a big loss of control on the BF's part to inflict them. It is taking violence to a very dangerous level.

If things haven't improved as the pregnacy progresses, please inform SS, they will do a pre-birth assessment. Most of the baby's that are badly injured by their parents (usually the father) have been bitten.

Warning bells should be sounding. The woman who was recently blinded by her BF, had covered up numerous facial attacks.

Let her have time to get her thoughts straight, try not to react to what she has said.

theresafire · 26/04/2012 23:00

Call the police, he needs locking up. Once he is out of it, she can heal in peace not rest in pieces .

redwineformethanks · 26/04/2012 23:07

You describe her as an "ungrateful bitch"? Shame on you............Her life could be in danger and you're worried about being deleted on FB?

Domestic abuse and domestic violence are extremely complicated. If you wish to support her, would be helpful for you to read up on it. Lots of good books at local libraries. It's logical for outsiders to tell the victim they should leave, but it's far more complex than that. The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is immediately after the separation.

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 23:10

@birds no she has fallen out with her mum for other reasons they have never really got on.

i think i have calmed down now was a bit angry and upset when i first posted and just needed a rant.

there isnt much else i can do for her now but wait and see what happens as she says she does'nt want anything to do with me but i will contact ss as like i said i couldnt bear it if anything happend to either of them and i did'nt do anything.

OP posts:

theresafire · 26/04/2012 23:14

A little girl(5) in Australia was Kiesha Abrahams was murdered by her parents last year (a beating tha went too far) and it emerged that she had been severely bitten on the shoulder at 18 months old (and had to be hospitalised) by her mother. Your cousin has been 'isolated' by her bf as thats what abusers do. He needs to be removed, she is not 'herself' right now, she will be all over the place.

redwineformethanks · 26/04/2012 23:14

I'd say you need to stay in touch with her. If / when she ever decides to leave, she will need people she can trust. Best thing you can do is ensure that if she reaches that stage, then she has people she can turn to.

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 23:17

@redwine it not about being deleted on facebook its about bein told that she no longer wants contact with me because i speak to her mum and she does'nt like it and thats her beig selfish not me like i said i have done everything i can to help her but until she can see what her boyfriend is really like then there is nothing more i can do.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 23:20

Try to understand how confused, frightened and generally all over the place she will be.

If she has had a difficult relationship with her mum, it will hit home now,how much you need a good mum.

Many women go through mixed emotions when pregnant or having given birth,if they have had problems with family/in childhood, without the DV that is going on.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 23:22

Perhaps she wants a (misguided) show of loyalty from you? This stems from trust issues and she is probably going tohit out at the wrong people.

Could you speak toher mum and explain that you need to be there for your cousin, so will have limited contact, for now?

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 23:22

it makes me feel sick to the stomach to read about babies being beaten to death that is why its so hard for me to watch her go through the best thing i have done is got her out of the house for a little while and hoping that her brother can convince her to stay with him

OP posts:

Original poster

frikinfabulous · 26/04/2012 23:28

tbh birds i couldnt do that i am very close to my aunt and our family has had a very hard couple of years and she needs as much help as my cousin does as her other children my cousins dont live near her and she does'nt see them often so i am really stuck in the middle with both of them.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 23:32

She will need a lot of support and you can expect her mood to fluctute.

It's important that she isn't made to feel that she only has him that she can rely on.

She shouldn't be alone with the BF, until he is seeking help.

Chilenachica · 26/04/2012 23:44

frikin

You don't seem to get it. She may not be in the house with him at this point in time, but will that stop him looking on FB? Or her phone,or the phone bill, her e-mails. Will she spend every second of the rest of her life inside her brother's place, or is she possibly hoping to be able the venture out and carrying on with life. You've clearly not experienced this kind of abuse yourself-and I'm glad that it doesn't happen in every relationship- but it cripples the victim emotionally.

Unless you change your attitude I really hope your cousin can find someone who will help her when she is ready to leave, or if she is in desperate need before that time

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 23:48

Can anyone persuade her to have the bite's photographed?

The thought that he may be able to have unsupervised contact with the child, unless she does, might sway her to agree.

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