to think my cousin id being a class a bitch!!!!!!!!

[frikinfabulous]

arrrrrrh am soooo angry with my cousin atm she is 5mnths pg with first baby and is in a violent relationship i have done everything possible to help her out by letting her stay in my house getting my babies out of bed at 3am to go and get her when shes crying down the phone because her dickhead of a boyfriend has hit her again.

she has stopped talking to all of her friends because of the waste of space and has now stopped talking to her mum ive just looked on facebook to send her a msg to see how she is and she has deleted me so i asked her why and she said "as long as i am talking to her mum she no longer wants to talk to me" aibu or is she just being an ungrateful bitch

yes chilen i do understand the kind of abuse she is going through i grew up in a house with domestic violence and was in an abusive not physicial but mentaly abusive relationship which is why i said there is nothing i can do until she sees him for what he is no i dont expect her to live at her brothers for the rest of her days but if he can try and convince her to stay away from him then thats all for the better.

well her sil may but tbh honest she has rose tinted glasses on with blinkers at the side and can't see what he is doin hopefully she wil see it before its to late.

So, if you've witnessed it you know that she needs unconditional support -whenever. You're not coming across as someone who is going to give that support. Your OP is about you, not about your cousin. You probably won't like that, but it's obvious. You seem to be angry at the situation, which is understandable, but going off in a huff isn't helping the person who needs help.

Read the last line of your OP again. Does it sound like someone who understands what a person is going through? Someone who can be trusted and relied upon by your cousin?

You should also realise, because of your own experiences, that her simply staying away from him may not be enough. He may well persue her and his child. She needs someone to lean on again and again until she really feels free of him. If you've done as much for her as you can then she needs someone else.

yes maybe i was being a bit me me me because i felt hurt and if you read upthread i did say that i was angry and upset and maybe shouldnt have said what i did.

i will always be there for her and if you know anything about abuse you will know that unless the person who is being abused can see what the abuser is doing to them and is ready to leave then there is nothing in this world that anyone can say or do to make them leave which is why i said i cannot do anything else for her until she is ready to leave him

I know you can't do anything to make to her leave, or to stop the boyfriend abusing her. I can sympathise with your frustration, I've been, in turn, the daughter, the sibling, the abused and the friend, of various abusers. I've been so angry I was close to suicidal/homicidal acts, I've cut people out if my life. What I've never done is express anger at the victim and made the situation about me, apart from when I was trying to break free from the boyfriend who abused me for years.

When you've calmed down find a way to let her know that you'll be there for her, even if that means promising not to tell her mum. and be patient, people tend to seek the familiar, even if they know it to be destructive, so it may take her far more time than you consider reasonable to see the situation for what it is. I couldn't believe it when my sister went back to her abuser ten years after leaving. But by that time I was old enough to help her move out at the drop of a hat, over and over again. So I did and eventually she came to her senses. Your cousin will realise what's happening, I mean really realise, but it will take time, and no-one knows how much time.

Just be there for her and don't beat yourself up for not being able to fix it.

does her midwife/social services know about her family situation?

i feel sick at the thought of what she is going through and at the thought of a small baby being in that environment

can the police be phoned if there is strong physical evidence ie the bite marks weren't caused by walking into the door?

a bit me me me?

As someone who has been in the OP's position it is horrific, in my case it was a very close friend. For me it was the guilt after every beating she had it was me who felt responsible if I had done more this would not of happened. It was also a lonely place not wanting to break friends confidence. preparing warm baths so she could ease the pain to watch her leave to go back to him. I spent 18 months dreading every phone call, never sleeping well the OP may have not worded things very well but she is a victim of his as well.

loopy sorry don't understand what you mean.

@chilan i have never told her mum anyhing about her situation its other people that know who tell her things which is why i am a bit miffed as to why she has chosen not to speak to me like i said we are very close and she tells me everything and knows i would never break her confidence.she does know that she can come to me anytime and i would never turn her away so it is just a waiting game until shes ready to leave.

@titanic no i dont think her midwife knows anything as she has changed them so often in the short time of being pg like i said i am going to give ss a call as it also makes me feel sick to the stomach to think that in a few months there is going to be a helpless baby thrown into the mix and im particulary worried as her bf seems to be quite rascist as he has said things about my dts' and wouldn't want him to take anything out on the baby because of the colour of it's skin.

frikin

That might be why she's cut you off, could be from her point of view everyone eventually tells her mum so she expects you will too. There's so much that people do, or avoid, in these situations and most of it is subconscious. You can't
always make sense of the victims reaction.

I could be completely wrong about why she's stopped talking you.

maybe i honestly dont know whats going on with her atm this may sound awful i know most of what she is doing is down to her boyfriend but she was cutting people out of her life before she moved out with him (they were living at her mums) and things got to where they are now and i know she only got pg because she thought she could get a flat then get rid of him she does'nt want to or never has wanted to be with him.

Suggest you read up on it, domestic abuse raises very complex issues. You can support her by maintaining contact. You can't force her to leave. That has to be her decision. Many victims are let down by people who say "Well I've said she should leave. I can't do any more for her"

i dont need to read up on it i am aware of the issues of abuse and how do you expect me to maintain contact when she is not returning my calls or txts.

i can't do anymore for her until she can pluck up enough courage to leave if it was that easy then most women would'nt be going through the hell of being absued maybe you should look up the complex issues of abuse to get a better understanding of it.

YABVU!
She is your cousin, not your sister. No matter how close you two are, you will never understand the relationship she has with her mum. You will never know everything that's happened nor everything that's been said. Hence, you may not understand why she doesn't like you speaking to her mum, but you don't have to understand. She's in a bad place, and maybe she can't explain to you right now, or maybe it's just that she's being loopy, but even that's understandable.

I do agree with the other posters, too. You don't seem to get the fact that it's not about you. Everything you have posted has come back to you - how you were deleted from her FB, how she's ungrateful because she wont talk to you, how she's not speaking to you, that you don't know what to do etc. How about taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture - she needs your support. Everyone says and does things the don't mean. It's bad enough that she's in an abusive relationship, which will screw with her mind as it is, but if she's heavily pregnant too her hormones will be all over the place, adding to the mayhem.

My advice would be to sit down and write 2 letters. In one letter, write everything you feel angry about the situation, what annoys you, how you feel etc. Once you've done that, write a second one to your cousin, also explaining how you feel but in a calmer way, focusing more on how you want to sort the not-speaking-to-each-other situation and how you want to help her than how you think she's being a git (from what it sounds like you do want to be there for her and that's great!)
Burn the first one, give her the second one. I'm sure that she will appreciate it even if she can't express that gratitude to you right now.

like i said before sue i posted when i was angry and i shouldnt have siad what i did i was'nt trying to make it about me

no we are not sistersbut iam closer to her than i am my own sister and yes i do know everything that has gone on between her and her mum like i said she tells me everything as does her mum we are a very close family no i don't understand why she does'nt want me speaking to her but it has never botherd her in the past so i don't see why it should now like i also said before there have been alot of things she has done that her mum should know but i have and never will tell her because i would never break her confidence.

i do want to be thetre for her of course i do but if she wants nothing to do with me then i will have to wait for her to ccome back

No no, I understand that and wasn't trying to bully you in any way, but I do think that you should take steps towards getting back in contact with her yourself, instead of just waiting.
Even if you just ring up once a week to her brothers home phone, for example or pop round now and then, just to show her you're still interested. It might be her choice now, but later on she might regret it and be too shy to come back to you for fear of you rejecting her, which is why it's important to show her in some way that you still care.

good luck :)

no i know you was'nt.
i will try to keep in contact with her while she is at her brothers and its easy for me to contact her but i dont know how long she will be there for and he lives quite a distance for me to pop round.

oh and trust me she's not the shy and retiring type and will quite happily knock on my door bold as brass asking what have i got to eat.lol

I'm only trying to help. Please don't jump down my throat. Didn't mean to cause offence, but I genuinely do think that reading up on domestic abuse would be helpful. I deal with some domestic abuse as part of my work, so whilst I'm not claiming to be an expert, I do think it's an incredibly complex area.

I think you can offer support even if she doesn't return your calls or texts. If you maintain some contact with her, it doesn't matter if she doesn't reply, she will know that you are still thinking of her and haven't written her off. One day she might call you, because she knew that you didn't give up on her