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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am tired of being the extended family's travel agent and holiday planner!!

33 replies

LucyGoose · 25/04/2012 15:55

My inlaws live in UK, are very lovely people but are very needy at times and are not modern - i.e. they do not own a computer or know how to book a flight online, know how to use email or own a credit card. They pay everything in cash or direct debit, they live very modestly. They only got passports for the first time ever to come here for our wedding.

For their holidays when they come here to US East Coast to where we live, I book their flights & hotel and we just stay in the area. They are passive aggressive at times, and always say they are "easy" but this just means you make a suggestion and they tell you they are ok with whatever you want, but when you get there, its clear they are not interested or look really bored.

Now it seems, they want to go to Cape Cod, (in August high season) and of course, I have to plan this and book everything. Since they do not have a credit card, my husband and I are expected to shell out for their tickets over, and deposit on B&B and they will pay us back. Also, I am the driver and have to deal with the rental car from Boston to Cape Cod. Total costs I would have to put out before any spending money is $3,400 for their tickets/B&B deposit alone!
The money is not the issue, I can pay this and wait to be paid back, but its just the assumptions.

I am just feeling a bit put upon, that they just assume I will do everything as I have done in the past, but this isn't like the normal holidays in the past where they come to our area, this is a proper driving holiday and I am in charge of all logistics - its takes a lot of planning to do this for 5 days.

IABU to be seriously annoyed??

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 25/04/2012 15:57

No this is normal - they are old and don't know how to do things and expect the younger generation to help out, especially when they are travelling right outside their comfort zone to see you.

UKSky · 25/04/2012 15:59

Get your DH to sort it out. They are his parents. Does he not drive? Can they not fly into somewhere closer and you meet them there? Or suggest they visit a high street travel agent.

Iggly · 25/04/2012 16:00

Why can't your DH do it?!

Original poster
LucyGoose · 25/04/2012 16:04

My DH does not drive in the US....

If they fly closer to us, they will be adding about $600 to their overall costs.
Flights within the US are not cheap in the summer.

All I can do is give them the total costs, if they are ok with it, then we don't have much choice.
No one else is surprised by the fact that they don't have a credit card for large purchases?

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyGoose · 25/04/2012 16:05

PS: I make 4x what my DH does, so his wiggle room to pay upfront is a lot smaller than mine!

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 25/04/2012 16:07

This would drive me mad, my in laws are a bit like this, DP ended up booking a recent holiday for them because they got all in a fluster about it but now he gets all the queries when really they should've just booked it themselves!

I feel for you, I have little patience tbh, I leave my DP to sort it, I refuse to get involved and think they should sort it themselves really, going into a travel agents and speaking to someone isn't that difficult if they don't want to do it online

sooperdooper · 25/04/2012 16:09

They could still pay for flights etc on a debit card?

Psammead · 25/04/2012 16:11

My parents were like this, and still are to an extent, but they have improved with time. Strongly advise them to buy themselves a nice travel book of the area so they are not relying on you for daytrip advice, and so they get to see what restaurants are in the area.

Iggly · 25/04/2012 16:12

What does it matter that you earn more? Doesn't it all go into one pot Confused

CrispyCod · 25/04/2012 16:12

I can understand how you would feel annoyed but you know, this is a lovely thing you do for them. Maybe they appreciate it more than you realise. Like Bonsoir said, they are old and rely on the younger tech savvy family members to help them out.

Try and get DH to help out with the planning to take some of the pressure off.

hattifattner · 25/04/2012 16:15

Id tell them you cant put any more on your credit card, but suggest which airport, which hotel, which car company....and then suggest they go to a travel agent to book things direct.

madmouse · 25/04/2012 16:17

If they want to holiday away from your home and 1000s of miles away from their own they will need to savvy up a bit. Get their own credit card as a bare minimum.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 25/04/2012 16:19

You can still use a debit card to pay for big purchases? Mine's a VISA debit card Hmm

I'd be really, really worried that something would happen - an accident, they miss the flight, whatever - and they don't repay you and you can't get a refund. I just wouldn't be risking that much money Shock

paulapantsdown · 25/04/2012 16:25

that was my thought Iggly - why are you paying for it - surely its you and your husbands pot of money? Thats weird in itself.

One day when you are old and you want to visit your kids, you might like your DIL to book your space flight to the moon and arrange your jet pack pick up at the airport. Don't be so mean sprirted - they are old. So what if they don't know how to use tech?

3littlerabbits · 25/04/2012 16:25

My inlaws are the same. Drives me bananas. Despite at least 10 previous visits to London my dh still has to get the train out to stanstead to collect them at the airport (about 1.5 hours) because they are too afraid to buy tickets/get on the train by thmselves Hmm

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 16:26

So you're willing to do all the planning for your inlaws but you're not willing to give your DH the money to do it himself? Huh? Why can't you just tell your DH to sort his own parents out, then give him the money to do it?

MadamFolly · 25/04/2012 16:30

Yes, why isn't your DH doing it?

Original poster
LucyGoose · 25/04/2012 16:35

My DH said last night he'll screw it up, in other words, he doesn't want to deal with it and knows I can take care of it.

I already told him, he is doing half of this planning, I am not going to be stressed out.

And for those wondering about our finances, we keep 3 separate accts, so no, not everything goes in "one pot".

OP posts:
CailinDana · 25/04/2012 16:36

I wouldn't stand for that bullshit from your DH. They're his parents. In your shoes I would just say "Oh well if you can't do it they won't be having a holiday then."

Aworryingtrend · 25/04/2012 16:37

Can't you say to them that you aren't familiar with the Cape Cod area and so wouldn't like to advise on hotels etc and they would be best off going to a travel agent who will book it all for them? You could get them a guidebook for the area as a present.

TeaOneSugar · 25/04/2012 16:37

Not everyone has joint money, it isn't that unusual.

Chandon · 25/04/2012 16:38

I would also ask DH to do it, as he knows his parents best and knows what they like and don't like etc.

By the way, I have been in this position too and I DID plan the whole thing, which was a nightmare as they kept on wanting to change dates, add activities etc. It was the worst time ever in our marriage as I spent the whole week running around the Ils who wanted to "go horse riding tomorrow, where can we go?" etc etc.

I would NEVER do it again. You do all the shit work , and are still the bad guy if something goes wrong (it always does), it also leads to alcoholism and (almost) divorce

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 16:39

The fact you don't have joint money is neither here nor there. If you don't want to do this job, just don't do it. My inlaws tried to make me responsible for all the planning of their visits too, so every time they mentioned visiting I just said "I'll get DH to ring you about that later." I look after my parents, he looks after his, no problems.

Takver · 25/04/2012 16:44

Definitely appropriate for your family to do it I'm afraid, but as everyone says, it should be your DH, not you! If you operate separate bank accounts (totally fair enough if that works for you) then could you lend him the money temporarily to pay?

(And Fluffyjaws, you can pay for flights on a debit card, but there's more protection if you pay by cc. When I travelled a lot I used to have a credit card just for that purpose, even though I never generally use one. )

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/04/2012 16:48

Well I actually think that if their son has moved across the pond to live with you, then you would be a pretty hard person not to organise their visits if they are clearly not tech savvy.

But your DH should be organising it, not you. If you are the one who has the income to cover it, then transfer the money to him so that he can sort it out.

You do realise that if you were posting and saying that your DH wouldn't 'give' you the money to do this for your own parents (if your income situation was reversed), that there would be cries of financial abuse?

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