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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to actually sort our son out?

44 replies

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/04/2012 12:36

Am possibly BU but am tired, pregnant & grumpy. Our son woke up at 4:45 this morning & as I wasn't feeling well I asked my husband to see to him. He went in, gave him a cuddle but no milk or anything, despite son asking for milk & a nappy change. When son wouldn't settle he brought him into our bed. He still wouldn't settle so my husband's solution was to put him in his cot saying, in a raised voice, 'it's sleepy time because Daddy's tired' & come back to bed. In the end son was still crying so I got up with him. AIBU to actually expect my husband to actually do what was needed to settle our son?

OP posts:

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 12:37

No of course you're not being unreasonable. Is this a once off or is it par for the course?

Olympia2012 · 25/04/2012 12:37

Does he normally have milk at that time? How old is he?

knittynoodle · 25/04/2012 12:37

My DP does the same and usually ends up saying 'but he wants YOU'. But that doesn't mean you are BU. Just that men are sometimes twits.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 12:39

It would depend on a few things for me...like how ill you are and whether or not he's got to get up early for a heavy work shift.

My friend does this to her DH quite a lot but 9 times out of 10, she's just got a sniffle and takes to her bed...leaving him to cope with everything day and night.

But if you're really ill then YANBU....also if you're just a bit ill and he doesn't have to get up early for work then I'd say YANBU.

thisisyesterday · 25/04/2012 12:42

no yanbu

his caring for your son has nothing to do with whether or not you're ill, he needs to do his fair share anyway!
you should't have to ask him to go and see to his own son

i wouldn't have got up. i'd have said, he's asking for milk, why don't you give him some?

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 12:42

How old is your son? Does he need milk and a clean nappy at that time? My dd (2.5) asks for milk and a nappy change at about 5am and it's just a tactic to get attention. She does go back to sleep eventually for a bit. We do bring dd in with us in the morning for a cuddle.

How pregnant are you? Is it worth changing your morning routines now to make things easier when you have 2dc?

Babycameearly · 25/04/2012 12:45

I hear your pain - yadnbu - he should have met his needs!

DS was sick in his carry cot the other night - which of course meant full clothing and bedding change - at 4.30am. OH woke briefly as I was mid change, said 'poor lad' and went back to sleep! We had serious words next morning - i'm on mat leave so accept that I do night feeds BUT when the LO is ill then I expect him to chip in. Rant over - sorry for hijacking!

Have a word with him - yadnbu

Original poster

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/04/2012 12:50

Will try & remember all questions asked! Son is 26 months old, normally sleeps well but if he does wake up normally some milk is sufficient to get him to drop off. Both of us are working today (both office based) & I very rarely ask him to get up as normally it's such an effort to get him out of bed it's easier to do it myself IYSWIM. But I've had a rotten migraine-y headache the past few days & really needed my sleep.
Am 18 weeks pg & actually dreading nights when number 2 comes along.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 12:54

So you both work, but you are ill and pregnant and he is still not willing to get up? What a dick.

If I were you I would sit down with him and have a serious talk about this. Once DC2 comes along he will need to step up a lot more or you'll be absolutely exhausted.

FWIW I'm a SAHM but DH and I have always shared night time duties, right from day one. Now that DS sleeps a bit better (he's 16 months) but gets up early we alternate days for getting up with him. There is no way I would do all of the night duty on my own, I couldn't handle it.

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 12:57

But do you really want to be in a routine where you are having to provide milk in the early hours to dc1 and up all hours with dc2?

I'm also 18 weeks and dreading having 2, I need to figure out how to get dd to stay in her own bed all night and not come in with us at some point.

But, back to the point, YANBU that your DH should have sorted your son out. You are pg with a migrane and both of you are at work. Worst case - he should have got up with your son if he wouldn't settle.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 13:02

It does make me laugh the way it was initially assumed in the thread that the OP's husband would have to get up for work and she didn't!

OP, YANBU at all. He sounds a lazy arse

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 13:04

Only one person assumed that Hex. Plus in our house DH has an hours commute each way and I can work from home if necessary so tend to do more of the night wakings. Unless ill/kackered obviously.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 13:05

Yes but still one person too many

Several women on here do seem to still reside in the 1950s

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 13:11

I'm not so bothered by the assumption that the OP didn't work, I'm bothered by the fact that even though the OP is ill and pregnant some posters focused on the child's routine rather than the fact that her DH couldn't be arsed getting out of bed, implying that the OP is in the wrong because she gives her DS milk.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 13:12

Yeah I thought that too CailinDana!

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 13:14

I didn't say she was wrong for giving him milk, I queried whether he needed the milk. That's not the same thing.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 13:16

how is it relevant to the OP's problem though blacktea? her son woke at 4.45 am, OP was knackered. At that time in the morning I too would give my son some milk if he asked for it and it meant he would sleep.

The fact is, he woke up, OP is unwell and her husband wouldn't see to him as he is too selfish and was focussed on his need to go back to sleep.

How is you querying about a request for milk at 4.45 this morning helping?

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 13:18

Because I would have thought that in the long run if they can get ds to settle back to sleep without milk, things will be easier when dc 2 comes along.

Is that ok?

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 13:20

There's nothing wrong with saying that blacktea, it's just that it's not what the poster was asking about.

mmmerangue · 25/04/2012 13:20

Cailin I am so jealous - it took a very long while for my partner to realise that him doing a 35 hour week did not mean that I could do a 90 hour one without a little help now and then!

I've just started work again (evenings) and when I told him I start at 6 and will be doing fri-sunday nights weekly he said 'does that mean I have to bath him three nights in a row?!' -bangs head against wall-

RE OP: - you are not being unreasonable! Unless you did actually travel in a Delorean from 1950 to post here, your DP should at the very least get up and do what you do when you ask him to! (I have given up on expecting the OH to actually offer, but he does now do requests without a complaint, does half of the LO's baths, and get up one morning a week to let me lie in!)

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 13:22

I agree that she was asking about this morning's specific situation, I was mearly pointing out something that may make life easier in the long run.

This is MN, threads often go off the point.

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 13:23

I absolutely do not stand by the idea that because one person is working the other one must get up every night. Sleep is a basic requirement and it is totally unfair to expect one partner to go without it indefinitely just because the other partner works. My DH absolutely insisted on getting up with DS right from the day he was born. There was no way he could sleep all night while I struggled on exhausted.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 13:23

Blacktea, it came across as though you thought that the OP had created a problem and that if she dealt with it then her DH would avoid being inconvenienced again...

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 13:23

Fair enough blacktea, no harm done.

blackteaplease · 25/04/2012 13:23

Well that's not what I meant at all. I'm sorry if it read that way.

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