Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Really annoyed with DH about money

46 replies

loisin · 24/04/2012 21:20

We were doing our internet banking last week and I saw that y DH has two charity DD's one for £10 to Red Cross and one for £5 to a cancer charity.

Now as a rule I have no issue at all what my husband spends his cash on at all, however we are both threatened with redundancy at the moment and are meant to be saving every penny we have in case the worst happens.

I asked him if he would cancel them until we know one way or the other about the redundancies (next week) and he got all angry saying he could afford £15 a month to charity and it was none of my business.

Ok, fair enough. I thought. (I'm not anti-charity btw, only this week I gave two huge bags of clothes and four boxes of boxes to a charity shop)

However, I got to thinking...

It was DS 1st birthday recently and I wanted to put £80 in his account so that he had the same amount of money in there at age one as his sister had at that age. Just so that it is fair.

DH rolled his eyes and said it was silly but if that's what I wanted to do then fine, whatever. So put in £80 of my money in there. So, now DD who is three and a half has about £500 in savings and DS has about £200.

The point is that that money is money that I have deposited. In three and a hlaf years DH has never put a single penny in the children's savings accounts and he makes me feel silly when I do.

I'm annoyed by this realisation, especially as he gives away £15 every month. I want to tell him that charity begins at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 24/04/2012 21:36

It sounds like you keep your finances seperate, is that right? If so (and assuming that you haven't agreed to both put money into dc's accounts) then I'm afraid he's within his riights not to do so. As long as he's paying his share of everything the dc need.

Wouldn't it be easier to have joint money?

Kayano · 24/04/2012 21:38

I don't understand the 'my money/ his money' mentality. I couldn't live like that.

If it's coming out of a joint account then is the children's money not from both of you regardless
Of who does the transfer?

Clytaemnestra · 24/04/2012 22:54

I think it's commendable that he considers charititable giving to be important. And cancelling them for a week, then starting them up again would be ridiculous, it would barely go through the bank. It's something to consider as dropping if you do suffer a drop in income, but if he's giving 15 pounds a month it's for the sake of 3.75 that you want him to drop them now. That's not going to make a difference.

And I think that, unless you are destitute it is a good example to give to your kids that there are people worse off than them and that if you can help you should.

squeakytoy · 24/04/2012 23:00

Charity may begin at home, but it doesnt sound as though you are in need of it...

YABU.

LibrarianByDay · 24/04/2012 23:09

So say he pays out another £15 this month in charitable donations and you both get made redundant next week. You could just replace that £15 with money from your children's accounts. After all, charity begins at home!

Sorry, but YABU

juniper904 · 25/04/2012 00:16

YABU.

Charity begins at home is a horrendous concept, IMO. Your kids don't need £300 as much as starving children else where. It is just additional money on top of clothes, food, housing, toys etc.

If you don't like the way he spends his money, or the fact he doesn't contribute to your DC's savings- fine. But that charitable donation is a fantastic thing, and you should be pleased he gives a shit about other people. Very few seem to.

NatashaBee · 25/04/2012 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totallypearshaped · 25/04/2012 01:06

You're both right to an extent, but I think your communication is not very healthy.

Maybe have a counselling session about money - you don't sound very married to me - please ignore my humble opinion if you want!!

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 01:25

I don't understand 'my money...his money' either.

But fair enough if that's the sort of relationship you have.

WRT a 1yr old baby having savings 'just so it's fair'...well I'm not surprised your DH rolled his eyes.

You have many years to even up the savings of your children....just because your DD had X amount as a baby, doesn't mean it's essential your DS has the same at the same age.

15 quid a month to charity is nothing really and it's up to your DH if he feels he can afford to give it....I mean given that you feel it's necessary to give £80 to a baby.

WhereEaglesDare · 25/04/2012 06:13

LibratianByDay would you realy take out from your children's savings (which they will use it in the future--uni,driving lessons..etc) and still be donating £15 per month when you don't have. OP you are right,charity does start at home...he should stop his donations if you are not in position to do that,you already gave and when you do have i am sure you will give again.
But saying that,because your finances are separate he can do as he like and if he feels he can afford,unfortunatly ,you can't do much about it.........

WhereEaglesDare · 25/04/2012 06:16

I know i give when i can and i want my children to have savings,well done for thinking ahead because no one will do it for them if you don't do it now and from early age.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 25/04/2012 06:33

Cancelling them now due to desicions coming next week, I would wait tbh and see what happens.

You seem very desperate about money. Tis always suprising to me as it is a core value.

I can understand what you are saying about tge children's accounts especially if you are tge only one to have put anything in them. You feel he is placing tge charity above your dc.

I suggest you get your wills sorted out, I suspect you may have differing views on where your assets/money should go.

lou2321 · 25/04/2012 08:53

I put £10 a month into each of my childrens savings accounts as does my parents as I think it is vital they have savings for uni/house deposit etc.

I would be cross if DH was paying £15 a month to charity if we couldn't afford to do this. Also I think it is a silly thing to say that other people need it who are starving etc. Its not really relevant, she is saving for their future (I am assuming) not necessarily to buy them expensive luxury toys, and even if she was why not? I spend quite a few thousand pounds on holidays a year - should I be donating this instead?

I do think you have a major communication issue, DH and I have never had separate accounts other than business accounts so it is all joint money. I think this is really odd esepcially as you are disagreeing on stuff. Maybe you should look at all your outgoings together and decide to give some to charity and the same amount into your childrens savings account on a regular basis?

Original poster

loisin · 25/04/2012 09:26

Thanks all for the messages. I appreciate each view and those from people who think IAMU have helped challenge my own mindset too.

A few points, its not about who 'does the transfer' of money in the to kids account, its that he has never put any of his own money in there. I hadn't realised it before (I don't go around thinking about it all the time!) but when I did realise it, it just struck me as well, not fair really.

Also, the charities aren't particularly 'close to his heart', he got 'chugged' on the doorstep and found it easier to say yes than no. He had one for the Dogs Trust for the same reason until two doorstep chuggers signed him up to Red Cross and he switched DD's.

Again, I appreciate the comments. I had thought that we had our fiances pretty well honed and I am genuinely suprised to to hear of people with just a single joint bank account. Both our sets of parents have separate accounts as well as joint one, and I just guess that we are subconciously following the example we have been set.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/04/2012 09:28

I would leave it alone. It's good that he donates to charity, charities are really struggling at the moment.

We don't have spare money, but I see my £5 a month to cancer research as being an investment in my families future. Cancer is so horrendously common, that the more research they can do now, the more chance my children or their partners or my grandchildren have of surviving it in the future.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 25/04/2012 09:44

Genuine question... what does a 3 year old need £500 for?

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 25/04/2012 09:45

PS, I'm another one with just a joint account. It's "our" money, not "mine/his" - I couldn't live like that, either :)

YonWhaleFish · 25/04/2012 09:47

fluff I would assume it's a head start for uni/house/car etc?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/04/2012 09:48

A 3yo doesn't need £500, but he might need a lot more than that in the future. It's a savings account. That's what they are for.

LoveHandles88 · 25/04/2012 09:54

I would be livid if my dh was donating to charity and not putting money aside for his own kids more than anything else. Both or neither would be fine with me.
I don't think yabu entirely, but I do think that you should maybe talk about priorities regarding your joint income.
I hope that neither of you suffer redundancies.

MadameChinLegs · 25/04/2012 09:55

If you have separate finances, did you not discuss each making a regular donation to your kids accounts when they were born? If you want to save for their future, why not both agree to donate £10 each a month (or whatever you can afford)?

Maybe you could ask that DH shares the 'saving' with you?

Leave his charitable donations alone.

Ciske · 25/04/2012 10:02

I think it's great that your DH feels that he should be charitable as long as he can afford it, he's setting a great example to your kids. He's doing a little bit towards giving them a better society to grow up in, and surely that's worth more than a car or a house.

You support your children's future by giving them a direct amount of money, he supports their future by giving to society. There is no right or wrong, but I do think you need to respect his views on this, just like you expect him to respect yours.

Perhaps the solution is to agree on a set amount of money you will save up for the kids, and then choose one charity you both feel strongly about and give them a set amount each month as well?

Adversecamber · 25/04/2012 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 25/04/2012 10:42

YABU. Yes it's a good idea to put money into an account for your children but your 1year old doesn't need the £80 right at the moment. He won't know when you put the money in. Also DH and I have a joint account that both our salaries go into and money for the children come out of that. We do also have separate accounts and we buy things for ourselves with our discussing it with each other. Although we do always discuss big items.

LibrarianByDay · 25/04/2012 22:35

WhereEaglesDare No, but you are missing the point I was making. It wasn't about continuing to donate to charity when you don't have enough money to feed/clothe yourself. It was about complaining that you're not sure you have enough money to give £15 away but deciding that you have enough to give £80 to your children.

The phrase 'charity begins at home' seems to mean, for some people, 'let's keep everything for ourselves'.

I like the way Ciske has put it.

Flip

1 2