Really annoyed with DH about money

[loisin]

We were doing our internet banking last week and I saw that y DH has two charity DD's one for £10 to Red Cross and one for £5 to a cancer charity.

Now as a rule I have no issue at all what my husband spends his cash on at all, however we are both threatened with redundancy at the moment and are meant to be saving every penny we have in case the worst happens.

I asked him if he would cancel them until we know one way or the other about the redundancies (next week) and he got all angry saying he could afford £15 a month to charity and it was none of my business.

Ok, fair enough. I thought. (I'm not anti-charity btw, only this week I gave two huge bags of clothes and four boxes of boxes to a charity shop)

However, I got to thinking...

It was DS 1st birthday recently and I wanted to put £80 in his account so that he had the same amount of money in there at age one as his sister had at that age. Just so that it is fair.

DH rolled his eyes and said it was silly but if that's what I wanted to do then fine, whatever. So put in £80 of my money in there. So, now DD who is three and a half has about £500 in savings and DS has about £200.

The point is that that money is money that I have deposited. In three and a hlaf years DH has never put a single penny in the children's savings accounts and he makes me feel silly when I do.

I'm annoyed by this realisation, especially as he gives away £15 every month. I want to tell him that charity begins at home.

AIBU?

Maybe I'm naive but I don't get the putting money aside for kids from age 0 thing, especially when money could be tight right now. They don't need it and to be frank £10 a month or £100 a year will only amount to £2k-ish by the time they are adults which won't put a kid through a single term of uni or be enough for a deposit for a garage round here. I'm not sniffing at it, just don't really see the point...

I don't see the point of setting aside money for the kids either.

£2k-ish is more than enough for a first car, money towards a wedding, money towards a deposit for a home, or a head start on uni fees.
I don't put a regular amount aside, but put it away when I can.

My friend worked out to pay uni and accommodation they would need to save their child £150 a month from BIRTH, I haven't checked that amount as I was horrified. I make a real effort to have a direct debit of £10 each every month and that's a bit of a struggle tbh. I used to put a pound a week in their money boxes. Until I raided them for nappy money at least if it goes into their account it's safe in there.

My point is life in the financial future of our children is shaping up to be intolerable. When DS turns round in 16 years time unable to afford uni or whatever despite I hope having the aptitude and I can't afford it, because DH had given £13680 to charity, I would be livid.

I am not against charity, I give £40 a year to Tommys but can't afford much more. I would just ensure I had done something to cover of the children's future too.

ivanapoo it's not that you are sniffing at the most I can afford, there is a sort of 'what's the point poor people shouldn't go to university subtext I object too. Just because you can't gold plate your children's future doesn't mean you should a) not bother at all b) apportion any effort elsewhere "university is not for the types of us son, I gave your contribution to charity"

I wonder about people who "couldn't live" with having separate accounts. What on earth did you do before you got married? You are still one person, you know and taxed individually to show it. Everyone should have their own bank account IMO.

What ciske said - exactly.

Tal, as soon as now dh and I moved in together we combined money. We each have a separate account too but dont use them. We just havent clised them just incase we want to save individually for something.

I'm going to add the chorus of why seperate accounts. You are a family unit, you earn money for the family? That includes money for yourself and by all means spend stuff on yourself but it is odd to me.

I also have my own bank account but we have a joint account into which everything goes. If we want our own funds, we can withdraw and put into our own accounts (easy as all one bank).

We each have our own acct for our wages, and one big joint acct for large purchases. Not sure why everyone thinks this is so weird.

You are both being unreasonable for not having discussed with each other what it is ok/not ok to spend money on.

You clearly think it's right to spend money on children's savings, and he doesn't agree.
He clearly thinks it's right to spend money on charity donations, and you don't agree.

It doesn't matter who is "right" and who is "wrong" in the opinion on MNers. What matters is that you both sit down and talk about it and agree some rules about spending. You don't need to have a joint account but you do need to agree some rules about what each of you can spend without agreeing it with the other person, and what needs agreement first. Otherwise you will end up with much bigger financial arguments than this.

I think it seems pretty churlish to begrudge money donated to charity, tbh. I think your dh should be commended for his sense of social responsibility. I read a report recently that noted that lower income people in the UK donate substantially more to charity (in terms of percentage of income) than the very wealthy.

"I don't see the point of setting aside money for the kids either."

Huh?!

If you've chosen to keep your money separate, you've done it for a reason.
My guess would be so that you have both have some independence.

Getting annoyed at him because he doesn't like the thought of adding £80 into an account for your child, but IS giving £20 a month to a charity is pretty U as it takes away the reason for having separate accounts in the first place.

As previous MNers have said, if you need to save money maybe you should start by not splashing out on putting £80 into your DC's accounts and go on from there. TBH, £80 is quite excessive, I didn't get anywhere near that when I turned 18, which is a bigger event than turning 1 - and it's more likely to be wasted on crap than charity money.

Dogs Trust?

Its great to give to charity but personally I would only give to ones I had a special interest in, rather than Chuggers-led.

I think it's great to save some money for the kids, and you should if you can afford it, but also highly commendable to donate to charity. I don't really inderstand bringmesunshine why your friend thinks the whole of university costs including accomodation need to be saved before the DCs go to university. Unless you will be retired when they go? Otherwise you wil still be earning money, hopefully, to give them. We have lots of coats for our children now and we don't need to have saved all the money beforehand.

Sorry for typos I meant costs not coats

Who collects the child benefit? is it only you who buys children clothes and food or is that split.

Your money/my money is your choice and works for many too and at least you have a giant spreadsheet to keep track about should be seen as commendable for saving the pennies, within reason. But you now appear to be going towards using that as an emotional tool or letting it drive a wedge.
As for giving into chuggers you could point out that in fact only 50-70 percent of that is going to the charities.

Keep love letters not bank statements.

bugster at coats! I was imaging a bulging hallway rack. I think the reason is, your income isn't guaranteed, you might not be able to afford a big hit of fees etc without savings.

Let me clarify, I meant to say not that there wasn't any point in putting any money aside, but that I don't see the point in doing it from age 0 especially if you are potentially in a difficult situation financially. Why put that extra stress on yourself?

My parents were not v well off when I was young so didn't put money aside for me when young. By the time I was an adult they were more comfortable so able to support me when I needed it and they could afford it and perhaps that has influenced my view.