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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he - or am I?

52 replies

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 16:38

Recently went away with DP, DD and another couple (no kids)
DP spent most of the holiday enjoying his hobby with the male from the other couple, and I spent the entire holiday of a week looking after and entertaining DD, shopping for food, cooking, playing hostess for the other couple (who spent a fair amount of time sniping at each other over little things) and generally acting support role for his hobby.

On arriving home last night I was grumpy and had a go at DP that I now have to return to work and I don?t feel at all rested and relaxed

He?s accused me of being miserable and not appreciating time with DD (I work FT and he is SAHP), while I like to spent time with DD I thought it would have been nice to spend time as a family and maybe for me to have at least one lie in, or a few hours to myself.

So AIBU in expecting to actually have some holiday myself, or should I just expect that he needs a break from DD and just let him go off and do his own thing?

I?m seriously tempted to book time off work go away by myself, chill out and tell him it?s for work, just so I can get some time to actually relax.

Just to add this is how every weekend plays out as well, I cannot recall when last I was actually able to lie in or just read a book or have a few hours to myself.

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 24/04/2012 16:40

Once in a while YWBU, every weekend, YADNBU, do you ever get to do anything you want to do?

minimisschief · 24/04/2012 16:43

you could always.. might sound crazy.. say ... want to do something as a family or i want some me time.

by the sound of your post you said squat until it was too late.

GrahamTribe · 24/04/2012 16:45

Hmmm, I have sympathy with your DP to a large extent. Caring for a small child FT can be mind-numbing for some and the way I see it is that you get a break from that when you're at work - he got a break from it last week. The weekend thing is different. You are both on equal terms there, bothn site and there is only one "job" to do - caring for your daughter - so that should be split equally so you both get a break. Why not suggest that you take a long weekend on your own soon so that you can get some rest and that the following weekend DP has a couple of days break to do his thing, then start afresh with a new set of "ground rules" after that when you're all together at home?

Original poster
ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 16:45

Honestly? I get to go out with my female friends once every 3/4 months

Only because we have hectic schedules and battle to get time to see each other, but even after that, he'll insist that the next morning he get's to go out and spend all day doing what he wants.

If I want to even go window shopping in town, I have to take DD, which makes it impossible and a worthless excercise

OP posts:
Callisto · 24/04/2012 16:45

It sounds like you played the martyr to the hilt whilst on holiday.

OrmIrian · 24/04/2012 16:49

No you aren't.

But I think you should have said something to him earlier.

Original poster
ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 16:51

@miniMischief - I made the point when we booked the holiday and again when we were driving up, but he just nods and then does his own thing anyway. We have this discussion every weekend, and even if we do something as a family his attitude is that "I deal with DD all week, so you can run round after her"

@GrahamTribe - I do see your point, which is why I posted. I know DD can be hard work, but he does get 2 1/2 days a week when she is in nursery and I have to be up every day at 5am and only get home gone 7pm so I'm knackered, I've suggested doing the split the weekends, so one morning I'll get up and let him have a lie in, and he does the next, but it never happens.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 24/04/2012 16:52

Good point Callisto. I I were that pissed with my OH I'd have said so at the time to all of them, not just him, something like, "There's the menu for the local takeaway, there's your daughter and the Flash is under the sink. I'm going to the pub!".

Sandalwood · 24/04/2012 16:53

Did you not know you were setting off for this holiday with different agendas?
(Like did he have his wetsuit/golf clubs/climbing gear or whatever on the roof rack).

GrahamTribe · 24/04/2012 16:54

"I've suggested doing the split the weekends, so one morning I'll get up and let him have a lie in, and he does the next, but it never happens."

Well then make it happen! If you can't convince him to allow you a lie in on alternate weekends/weekend mornings then make the most of the early start to the day. Get up early, get dressed, go out for the day. He'll have to get up for his daughter then!

WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 24/04/2012 16:57

YADNBU.

If OP was a SAHP and her OH was a FT WOHP most Mumsnetters would expect her to spend time with the family on holiday, not go off and take part in a hobby every single day.

You need to do something to change this dynamic.

FredFredGeorge · 24/04/2012 17:06

You are unreasonable I'm afraid as it sounds like you had a particular expectation of the holiday that wasn't communicated. Perhaps DP didn't communicate his idea either but it sounds likely that the entire set up was so he could enjoy his hobby with his friend.

As the working parent myself, I also find it hard to get the time to myself, but when I need it, I have to tell my DP I don't expect her to know, and I certainly think she needs a break from DD, and of course I do like to spend time with DD. So I'm afraid you needed to set your expectations out before - but yes book a holiday for yourself, your DP should be fine with it.

Original poster
ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 17:06

@Graham - how do I make it happen so I get a lie in? Getting up early is the last thing I want to do on a weekend, all I want to do is catch up on some sleep.

@SandalWood - I knew he'd be enjoying his pursuit, I would never stop him doing it, but I also wish he'd listen when I said I wanted some time to myself and wanted to relax, lie in, maybe enjoy a long bath, read a book, all the things I never get to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 17:08

Anyway - point taken, I didn't post to argue, the majority weight is that I'm BU, so I'm happy to accept that and will apologise to DP.

@Fred - as tempting as it is, DP would be most unhappy if I did that, which is why I'd have lie about it, which tbh I don't really want to do

OP posts:
CelticPromise · 24/04/2012 17:29

I think you are getting a rough ride, YANBU! I am the one with the time consuming hobbies in this house and I would not plan a trip with the family that was all about my hobbies. We have a lie in each at weekends. Your DP is being selfish, especially as he has time to himself when DD is in nursery! Why would he have a problem with you booking time for yourself?

Original poster
ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 24/04/2012 17:33

DP would say it was selfish of me to take the time off and not share it with the family.

OP posts:
Debsbear · 24/04/2012 17:36

I don't think YABU to want some time for yourself, but I do think YABU if you waited until you got home to say anything about it. Why not book yourself in for a spa weekend with some friends (or even DP) if you can afford it

AgentZigzag · 24/04/2012 17:41

Another YANBU.

He must have known full well you were doing all the running round while he swanned off, he was taking the piss. It's lovely spending time with the DC, but it's still bloody hard work, which he'd know if he stays with them all the time.

I stay at home, but I wouldn't expect or want DH to take on looking after the DDs all the time if we went on holiday.

Maybe you should have said something while you were there, but I can understand why you might not have given there were other people with you (which must have been horrible to spend time with sniping at each other, what was that all about do you think? ).

If you want time to yourself you've got to elbow your way to some, everyone knows that Smile

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/04/2012 17:42

It does make me laugh that on threads on here in the past where a SAHM has said her husband doesn't do anything for the DCs on holiday or at the weekend, many replies say that he should get a break as he 'works' and it's her job to do the childcare, 24-7.

On a thread that mentions a SAHD, many replies are 'Ahhh yes he needs a break from his child'

How funny! Sexism is still alive and well!

OP, YANBU I think your husband was fucking selfish to go off and please himself all week

upahill · 24/04/2012 17:42

I don't think YABU actually.
Everyone needs time to clear their head and just stop.

DH always makes sure that I get to the pictures/go walking/cycling whatever and I work full time as well.
My boys are older now but I have always had lie ins, breakfast in bed and family time.
When we go on holiday we normally suss out the place and then get a pen and paper and write what everyone wants to do. Eg walk in mountains, Dh- sailing, kids waterpark. That way it is everyone's holiday.

Longdistance · 24/04/2012 17:47

I'm a sahm, and my dh has the time consuming hobbies thing. If we go away somewhere, it'll always be somewhere where it benefits him. I've just said no 2 him 2nite 2 going 2 watch a match Sat nite after he plays in a match. I keep getting lumbered with the dc at every event :( and it's very tiring.
I think you should have spoken up. If I was working, and dh was sahp, then I'd let him do some of his hobbies, but I'm a sahm, and get jack. He was very lucky 2 get that time. Next time stick 2 a 'family holiday' so you can all do things together. Only wish my dh would Angry

RedHotPokers · 24/04/2012 17:48

Woah there OP! YWNBU to expect to spend some time with your DH, and YWNBU to also expect a bit of time on your own. Your DH WBU to have little consideration for you.

BUT, I would like to know whether you (or the other woman you were holidaying with) said anything during the holiday. If you didn't, then you haven't got much of a leg to stand on.

DH and I regularly go on holiday with another family, and DH and friends H also spend a large part of holiday doing their shared hobby. My friend and I are quite happy to spend 70% of the holiday eating cake and drinking tea 'supervising' the DCs, but we insist on time to ourselves as well. So we both have a family day (each family doing own thing for a day), and at least a few times during the week me and friend walk straight out the door as the H's walk in, and tell them we will be be back in a few hours once we have shopped and gone to the pub chilled out. We also babysit for each other (H's have 'boys' night out together, friend and I have girls night out, and we also have 'romantic' DH/DW night out too).

Holidays like this can work, and be relaxing for everyone. But you have to plan, agree things in advance, and get your friend on side! And don't be a martyr ffs!

fedupofnamechanging · 24/04/2012 17:52

If your dh is getting 2 and a half days per week when your dc is in nursery, then at the weekend he should be sharing the care with you, not expecting you to do it all.

To follow this through to its natural conclusion, if he says he has had dd all week and now it's your turn, the reply is "I've worked all week to earn money, get a weekend job, because now it's your turn!"

Teeb · 24/04/2012 17:58

Why did you go on holiday with another couple if you wanted it to be about family time spent together?

grumblinalong · 24/04/2012 17:59

YANBU - I've recently gone back to work after ML but when I was at home FT there is no way I would have handed the 3 DC's over to DH at the w/end to persue any hobby. When does your DH get to see you/you see him?

It sounds like he's either looking after DD or doing his hobby and you'r eeither working or looking after your DD. When do you invest any time in your family or marriage?

Plus if your DD is in nursery 2 and half days what does he do with his time then?