Is he - or am I?

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

Recently went away with DP, DD and another couple (no kids)
DP spent most of the holiday enjoying his hobby with the male from the other couple, and I spent the entire holiday of a week looking after and entertaining DD, shopping for food, cooking, playing hostess for the other couple (who spent a fair amount of time sniping at each other over little things) and generally acting support role for his hobby.

On arriving home last night I was grumpy and had a go at DP that I now have to return to work and I don?t feel at all rested and relaxed

He?s accused me of being miserable and not appreciating time with DD (I work FT and he is SAHP), while I like to spent time with DD I thought it would have been nice to spend time as a family and maybe for me to have at least one lie in, or a few hours to myself.

So AIBU in expecting to actually have some holiday myself, or should I just expect that he needs a break from DD and just let him go off and do his own thing?

I?m seriously tempted to book time off work go away by myself, chill out and tell him it?s for work, just so I can get some time to actually relax.

Just to add this is how every weekend plays out as well, I cannot recall when last I was actually able to lie in or just read a book or have a few hours to myself.

I agree totally with hex.

I read it that the op was expecting to get her turn off (and why wouldn't she expect her DH to be fair to her? I know I would.)
And didn't want to 'nag' for it when it should be given freely.

Oh op, YADNBU

YWNBU, it's all about give and take and it was surely meant to be a holiday for BOTH of you. Your husband was taking the piss but if you didn't call him on (and I agree it's bloody annoying to have to but there you go) then he obviously thought it was ok for you to mind DD while he fannied about with his mate. I guess he's not a mind-reader though so if you didn't say anything at the time then perhaps you will next time.

YANBU. Time off needs to be divided fairly -especially if you're the one paying for the holiday and dh's hobby

YANBU to want some time to yourself or feel annoyed about what happened on holiday and at the weekends, and your DP is being hypocritical if he doesn't think your free time should cut into family time, when a supposed family holiday ended up being all about his hobby. However, you really should have spoken up earlier, and if you want things to change, make them. Easier said than done, but you will find a way if it's what you really want.

ProfCox you said DP would think you selfish for not sharing time off with the family- why does this not apply to him? He needs a kick up the arse. Could you make a timetable showing how much time you each get free of childcare AND work? Just so he can really see it?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your DH gets time when DD is at nursery, and both lie ins on a weekend plus time to persue his hobby.

You get to work full time, never get a lie in, and are expected to do all care on a weekend.

Have you written out who works how many hours and how much leasure time each of you get and shown it to him? TBH it sounds like he is getting a pretty nice deal.

Thanks everyone who responded last night, it's nice to get some views from the other side of the fence.

To answer the earlier question - the other couple were sniping at each other as the male spent all his time either out with DP enjoying their joint hobby, asleep in bed, or sitting on his laptop watching you tube videos, so she was less than impressed by his willingness to interact socially. They also were sniping as he wanted her to join in with the hobby, but as she'd recently had back issues, she wasn't feeling up to it, and he kept basically saying she was lazy.

WRT not mentioning it while on Holiday, I didn't want to have an arguement in front of his/our friends, and it's something I'd said before we went away, and we actually only had the row when we got back because he'd shouted at me on the drive home, because he'd not heard me tell him we needed to take a junction (because he insists on having the radio on so loud), and then shouted that I was a crap navigator.

Also to clarify DD is at nursery two half days not two and a half days (my fault for not typing that better)

But I've done the sums, and basically over the course of a week DP get's 13 hours child free time to do with as he pleases, I get about 1 hour (i've excluded any time we have together as a family, or the hour we get before bed.)

A interesting point was rasied last night when we were discussing this, DP get's 2 hours longer in bed during the week than I do, but I spend 2 hours a day communting - DP reckons they equate to the same thing, I reckon not as typically I'm having to stand with my nose shoved into someones armpit, if I could sit down and close my eyes or read I might agree with him. What is the general consensus on that?

I would say definitely not, commuting is grim and stressful, sleeping in your own bed is sleeping! I presume you have to walk to station, change trains, walk to work, find alternative routes when it all goes tits up.

Hang on... you work during the week and look after your DD at weekends. He looks after your DD P/T during the week and plays at weekends. He's got this sussed hasn't he?

Sorry... hadn't read to the end... 2 half days. Still think he's got the better deal!

Good god hours in bed do not equal commuting!

I'm a SAHM, and if I fucked off every weekend and then our holidays revolved around my hobby, I would expect to receive divorce papers.

You don't sound very married, you sound like flatmates and co-parents.

I don't know how you get around the problem tbh. Has he always spent this much time on his hobby - ie. could he argue that you knew what you were letting yourself in for?

I'm prepared to be flamed for this, but you could withhold funds just to make the point that if you didn't work he couldn't fund his hobby - it isn't like you are off out having fun every day, which is what it sounds like he feels like you are.

@Celtic - If I include the walking to the station, catching the tube, walking to work, it takes 2 hours each way door to door, and yes definitely not relaxing

@Shockers - Yeah I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to work out this way.

@ALibaba we're not married, currently engaged, and I do love him and want to marry him, but I just wish I could make him see that it doesn't seem completely fair.

This hobby has always been a big part of his life (and one of the reasons he left his ex wife) when we met we shared the interest, but he's always been into it more than I have, but before DD came along, we'd always do things together. DD is far to young to take part, and to be frank it'll be at least 10 years until she's at a stage where she'll be capable of doing it to a level that DP will find enjoyable for himself.

Just after DD arrived I was happy to let him go off and have some time to himself, and I was to fat and unfit to take part in any serious manner, and it seems like that has just been accepted as the norm.

YANBU - but it's a hard balance to strike and if he's not willing to see it then I don't know what you can do.

I SAHP and work part time at the moment. DP goes to work with a commute and I know that the moment he comes in I want to hand DS to him and disappear for a bit - but I also know that he wants to do exactly the same thing to wind down after his day at work. Luckily we're both semi-reasonable people and notice if the other really has reached their limit, and otherwise have a pretty good attempt at taking turns.

Commuting does not equate to sleep - especially anything involving the tube, however as the SAHP, if you're sat on a mildly pleasant train able to read a book I do count that almost as rest in comparison to spending the same amount of time minding a child...

Sounds kinda like DH and me. We deal with it by being very clear about expectations and being fair. On our last holiday away we agreed that we would alternate who got up in the morning with ds. So we both got lie ins. On weekends where he's out for his hobby, I get a few hours comprable time to read or sleep or have a long bath. You both have to agree beforehand and try to be flexible.

He left her because she wasn't prepared to let him spend all his free time doing this hobby to the exclusion of everything else?

I think you really need to get this sorted out. Would you still marry him if he didn't accept the need for change?

@Alibaba - no, it's not quite that bad, they had no common interests, but both spent all their time doing their own thing, so basically never saw each other, and the marriage fell apart. I know at one point they would often not see each other for 2 weeks at a time, purely because she would do her thing during the week and he'd be off doing his at the weekends.

I really want this sorted before we get married, and before we have a second DC which he is very keen on.

I came very close to leaving this weekend, just to spend a week with my mum, so he could see how much freedom I give him.

Yanbu and I can see how anyone would think you are! You work long days and I'm guessing you probably don't get to sit on your ass and have a break when you do get in. So you have 5 full days in the week and he expects to then take off and do as he pleases at weekends.

You're not getting a break at all and it sounds like he's totally taking you for granted. Not letting you have a break on hol is terrible IMO. And saying you should be happy to spend time with dd is a guilt trip. You'll end up exhausted.

Has he had a full on job before or is he being deliberately daft in thinking a commute followed by long day is on any way a break. What are your plans for when dd starts school?

Yanbu. You both need down time and family time.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about how unhappy you are right now. Tell him you appreciate how difficult his week is, however your is too and commuting does not equal extra time off.

Weekend lie ins are to be shared, get some ear plugs and don't get up when it's his turn, or if you have to send you dd in to see dh and go out so he has to deal with her.

Holidays should also be shared and time to spend with the family. He needs to understand that this is the stage of life you are in at the moment, it won't last forever, but right now this is what it is.

You really should have said something on the holiday rather than sitting there seething - that doesn't help anyone and always results in a huger row than needs to be

am with mini - you need to speak up and just go out if you want etc

he is not your parent, you are the FT earner,

suggest that you get up osaturday early with your dd, get dd sorted etc get yourself dressed up, showered, then just say, am popping out to do some messages, all CHEEEEERY CHEEEERY!!!!!! SEE YA LATER !!!!!!

dont answer any further questions, say to dd mummy is going to pick up some messages and JUST. GO. OUT. of the house. BY YOURSELF

ANYWHERE

I do it regularly.

He will miss you all the day, you come back refreshed and human, feeling like you have independent thought, and more human again

your dd will not mind one bit, just bring her back a small toy or sthing she will then love it when you go again the next time

You need to just do it, rather than whonge about it to DP as with men, it is usually in one ear and out the other

DH of 9 yrs once told me there is nothing worse than a needy woman. so i act like i dont need him, do my own thing as much as i can, then we still remain on good communication levels as we give each other a break iyswim

just do it

dont explain or apologise or faff

just plan a nice day out for yourself, get a bus or train somewhere, go to a diff city for a few hrs etc anything. just dont moan at him. you are your own person remember x

I wouldn't get married and I most definitely wouldn't have a second child, with things being the way they are now.

If you do, he will be buggering off every weekend and leaving you with two children to look after all by yourself.

Mature adults have to accept that when they have dc, their time is no longer their own, to do exactly as they please and hobbies have to take second place.

If he was mine, I would tell him that he gets one day, every other weekend for his hobby and you get one day every other weekend to per sue your own interests. The other day is to be spent together, as a family. Tell him that if he doesn't do this, he will be looking at two failed relationships.

So far as lie ins are concerned, you have to give the baby to him, when it's his turn to get up and then go back to bed and leave him to get on with it.

He is taking the piss at the moment and before you commit to shared finances and marriage I would insist upon change.

As things stand, you are not getting a partnership with this man and that must alter - time for a serious shit or bust conversation, I think.

Wtf is wrong with my spelling? Pursue not per sue

What karma said.

Our family is in a similar situation and we both have down time. My DH boots me out the door 2 nights a week to my exercise class and he puts our DD to bed, after being with her all day.

I suspect he has ulterior motives though as he benefits from my newly pert bum lower stress levels

Thanks everyone, have arranged a few nights out over the next few weeks, so I at least get to go out and socialise and get some time not being a mum or at work.