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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Performance anxiety in the conception window?!

38 replies

Pinkie29 · 24/04/2012 09:27

Has this happened to anyone else? We got our first smiley in 3 months of trying on sat afternoon, let dp know all was fine that night, tested again Sunday no smiley so went for it again to up our chances, after half hour he says. 'it isn't going to happen'

I was mad but just thought he was tired as he'd done a ten hour shift, then the same thing happens Monday morning and evening! I was really upset by that point and convinced myself he subconsciously doesn't want a baby? He says I read too much into it of course he does etc.

We've not rowed or anything it was just so frustrating and never ever happened before :/ I know I'm being impatient but I have a really long cycle so won't get to try again until the first week of June if my cycle stays at 44 days :(

OP posts:

madmouse · 24/04/2012 09:28

you were mad? why were you mad? These things happen. Pressure does it no good at all.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 24/04/2012 09:33

A lot of women in "Conception" find it's best not to tell DH these sort of details - just have a bit of fun and if you get pregnant, brilliant

AMumInScotland · 24/04/2012 09:35

If you are reducing your sex life to "trying for a baby" then he will feel pressurised, and performance anxiety is likely to follow. Why not just go at it like rabbits at every opportunity, and don't tell him which chances are because you know it's likely and which are because you actually like having sex with him? If he feels like you view him as a sperm donor rather than a lover, there'll be a lot of frustration for both of you.

Of course you can quietly keep an eye on ovulation indicators, but don't only jump him for that reason.

Original poster

Pinkie29 · 24/04/2012 09:41

madmouse I was mad because I felt like the one time we'd finally caught my lh surge it didn't all go to plan was more frustration I didn't yell at him or anything but couldn't hide that I was upset, to top it all I'd just met my brothers new baby (over the moon for them of course) and got my scan letter for possible pcos so all making this 'trying' very frustrating :/

I think you ladies are right about not telling him when the widow is, I mean we may have caught it sat when I got my smiley but would have liked to stock up on swimmers lol! Thanks for your replies

OP posts:

madmouse · 24/04/2012 09:43

See it from his POV. Exhausted after a 10h shift (that is long and will at one end or the other have meant lack of sleep), he wants a baby like you do so he does his best, it doesn't work out and you get mad.

Hope you manage to relax and that you get pregnant soon.

Birdsgottafly · 24/04/2012 09:46

You should just be having sex every few days, at least, not just waiting for a window, it probably would be more effective to have had sex the night befor you get a smiley, iyswim.

I've read other threads that you have been on and it is very early days to be this intense about ttc. Have you got strageies in place formanaging anxiety etc.

I started a college course that needed on going assessment when i was ttc my second, after a period of infertility (it took me 2 years tc) and i think that that did help, to keep me occupied, as well as 'alternative' therapies, meditation etc.

Squirrelz · 24/04/2012 09:46

If he's really feeling pressured, it makes it much more likely that nothing is going to happen.

Be very careful about making your sex life "all about conception" as that is a sure fire way to kill passion in the relationship. With hindsight it's probably one of the factors that led to my divorce.

Tee2072 · 24/04/2012 09:56

If you make sex all about having a baby, of course he will feel pressured and not be able to perform. Chill out and certainly don't get mad at him, trust me he's not doing it on purpose!

So, yes, YABU.

lattelov3r · 24/04/2012 10:00

i agree with others there is nothing worse than feeling like you HAVE to have sex its a complete putt off lift the pressure on you both and stop focusing on windows its more likely to happen if you just thave fun with trying, also is there any chance maybe hes not feeling as sure about having a baby?

chipsandmushypeas · 24/04/2012 10:02

Agree with not telling.

I told DP about every smiley face etc and he found it v stressful to perform

The one month I listened to the women on here who said don't say anything, just have sex EOD I got my bfp! Good luck

DueinSeptember · 24/04/2012 10:11

We tried for nearly a year for our DD after having an early MC. I think the MC made me a bit more desperate than I would have been IYSWIM.

Whilst neither of us were unable to 'perform'. I just found it quite boring and functional, having to do it at a certain time. It was like 'uggghhh, do we have to do it again.' I think if I was a man, I wouldn't have been able to IYSWIM as I wasn't turned on at all.

In the end I gave up and was planning of going on a big holiday and starting a small business and it just happened around the same time when we relaxed about it and just had sex when we wanted to. Sorry, I used to hate reading 'just relax about it' when I was TTC but I think it's true sometimes. Good Luck!

DialMforMummy · 24/04/2012 10:15

Easy to say I know, but it's not good to put too much pressure on either of you. Give up the sticks, have lots of sex and let nature follow its course.
If having sex from now on is all about TTC then you'll take the fun out of it and alienate him.

Original poster

Pinkie29 · 24/04/2012 11:47

birdsgottafly im on Citalopram for anxiety and have some meditation CDs from my doc, I can be a bit of a dog with a bone at to times I know! It's a fear of not being able to have children mainly, I've never ever been pg that I know of, he's never had any pg scares with exes, one of my brothers can't have children and I've very likely got pcos :/ all looks bleak to me everyone around us it 'just happened' does it really ever just happen? have just hit 30 so thinking tick tock!

I've no idea when I ov as cycles so erratic and long (ive gone 52 days before) we tend to dtd about 3 times a week but like to up our game when we think I'm oving

lattelov3r he's always said he's wanted a family since the early days of our relationship and is amazing with kids, was more me that needed convincing. I really don't know how ppl try for years they must have so much strength

OP posts:

GretaGip · 24/04/2012 11:51

Gosh.

You may get more targeted responses in the Conception topic.

Bluegrass · 24/04/2012 11:52

If he isn't able to at first you don't necessarily have to abandon all hope for that night but you do need to know that pretty much all sexual response goes on in the mind. If he is feeling stressed, under pressure etc it is not surprising he won't feel aroused, so you need to take the pressure off. Treat it lightly, say it doesn't matter, there will always be plenty of other times but it would be nice if you could just lie together and hug. Try resting your hand somewhere like his upper thigh and just chat about stuff. Get the worries out in the open and out of the way if he wants to talk about them, or just try to talk about other things if you think he wants to change the subject. Be close and just enjoy being together, tell him you love him and if it feels right give him a kiss.

If the pressure goes and he feels relaxed with you then having you next to him with a strategically placed hand might just get his mind (and yours) back onto sex. If there is a response from him then take it slowly, don't draw attention to it and just go with the flow. You might find the evening isn't such a wash out after all and even if you don't end up having sex a cuddle and a chat is never a bad thing.

BeadingMarvelous · 24/04/2012 12:32

Our situation was very similar to DueinSeptember. I had an ectopic 2 months after we started 'trying' it all got very messy as i didn't know for ages and got rushed in for emergency surgery after my tube burst! It was really scary for both of us and when we felt ready to start trying again we were both quite anxious.

DH ended up going to the dr and got some viagra! I was suprised he did it but it helped.

In the end we got pregnant on a long weekend away with no extra help:-) It did take a year though for us both to calm down enough to relax into it.

BeadingMarvelous · 24/04/2012 12:32

Good luck by the way:-)

Original poster

Pinkie29 · 24/04/2012 12:43

I didn't get mad at him saved my venting for here was more annoyed that he'd been happy to stay up watching telly till half 11 rather than have an early night, think I'll sit and talk to him tonight and explain I wasn't mad at him but the situation if that makes sense?

OP posts:

MeconiumHappens · 24/04/2012 18:41

Ah you scared him! Just keep the window to yourself. And to be honest fuck the window. Just have sex every 2-3 days thrughout your whole cycle. That way he wont get the pressure feeling and you wont be relying on smiley faces that cost a bleeding fortune and are a bit crud. Often you get fertile times without getting a positive surge, or it moves about in your cycle so just stick to regular sex.

TattyDevine · 24/04/2012 19:42

I'm going to go against the general grain here and say, bollocks to the "just relax" "just have lots of sex and see how it goes" type mallarky. There really is a 48 hour window where you are most likely to get pregnant and if you want to make sure you get this window, digital ovulation is the way to ensure you are maximising your chances. Sex at any time of the month will not hurt, of course not, but unless you are having sex during this window, you are lessening your chances of conceiving by quite a lot (even though it is possible to get pregnant having sex earlier in your cycle, due to the length of time sperm can live, and later in your cycle, due to the fact that you can sometimes pop out a second egg.

Having said that, you could perhaps keep the window thing to yourself or pretend to be nochalant if psychologically knowing about the smiley is not making your partner smile.

"You should just be having sex every few days, at least, not just waiting for a window, it probably would be more effective to have had sex the night befor you get a smiley, iyswim". Any evidence to support that statement? Why would it "probably" be "more effective" to have sex the night before the smiley? In fact, it is not. You should only have sex once in 24 hours during your fertile window. The LH surge occurs 12-24 hours before the egg is released, and when the egg is released, it is not able to be fetilised for another 10 hours or so (something about a hard coating or some such). Therefore, the most likely time for you to get pregnant is if you have sex once on the day of your LH surge, once on the day after it, and for really good luck, a 3rd time the following day. And there is plenty of evidence based research to back that up. Hence why its all printed on the leaflet and is in all the fertility books (Zita West etc etc)

Don't ditch the sticks unless they are making it really pressurised and hindering you more than they are helping you.

Sassybeast · 24/04/2012 19:48

Wow.

Seriously. After 3 months ? You are supposed to be having lots of lovely relaxing sex. Throw away the sticks, ditch the calender and enjoy yourself.

Even your thread title screams 'stresssssssss'

TheCokeMachine · 24/04/2012 20:10

I never told DH that I was using CBFM, he still believes that we were just chilling and having a bit of rumpy pumpy. Men don't need to know these things!

Whatmeworry · 24/04/2012 20:11

Even your thread title screams 'stresssssssss'

I agree. A lot of chill is needed I think :)

HybridTheory · 24/04/2012 21:13

I used OPKs but never told DH when the 'time' was. He just thought he was getting lucky - worked for us :)

jodidi · 24/04/2012 21:19

If you do have pcos it is very likely that opks will not work for you. They tend not to for those of us with pcos (some people find opks tell them they're never ov, mine tell me I am always ov).

Yes pregnancies can just happen. I have been pg 3 times (one mc), and 2 of those were accidents. And they can happen when you have irregular cycles, mine vary between 5 weeks and 6 months. I found that when I was ttc I did best when I ate healthily (I joined slimming world, but any healthy eating plan rather than diet would do), did plenty of exercise, and had lots of lovely sex. I also tried some reflexology, which seemed to help although it may have just helped me relax rather than helping with the conception.

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