Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think that I shouldn't have to do ALL the housework?

35 replies

Babysittingdilemma · 23/04/2012 21:45

Backstory: DH pretty idle around the house. I normally do everything (am on maternity leave with 8mo DD, also have 2 yo DS) but last night I had to go to bed when the kids did, as I had food poisoning from some dodgy fish.

I came downstairs this morning to find that rather than emptying the dishwasher (which had finished late afternoon) DH had left it and chucked the pans, plates and cups from his dinner in the sink, and instead of taking the (full) bins out for bin day today, he had just compressed his stuff on top and left them.

I took him to task on this when he got home from work today (I mean, is it really too much to ask) and he justified himself by saying I am a housewife so I should do it! AIBU to tell him to pull his finger out instead?!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2012 21:48

I don't know where to start. He is being a lot more than unreasonable. If DH said to me that, "I am a housewife so I should do it" he would be single. I am not joking or being dramatic.

Oakmaiden · 23/04/2012 21:48

No, you are not unreasonable. But he probably just didn't think of it - it is not something he normally does so he just expected the cleaning fairies to get on with it.

I guess there is no point getting too upset about it - it is not like there was something vital that needed doing....

mayaswell · 23/04/2012 21:52

Not big or clever, but when this happened to me I put my coat on and went out for quite some time. Not on, don't even think about accepting that kind of crap. Good luck.

mayaswell · 23/04/2012 21:55

Does he help with the DC's?

flibbertywidget · 23/04/2012 21:56

Babysitting.. I have a similar issue with my DH. He is bone idle. It is the source of huge frustration and resentment for me.

It is hugely disrespectful for him not to pull his weight. When I was working and my DH was SAHD, I came home and took over everything. Now we are both working he does naff all!

Give him a kick up the bum and tell him how upset you are about it. It is easy to say don't sweat the small stuff, but shit like this builds up into marriage wrecking big stuff.

roundtoit · 23/04/2012 22:05

get it sorted out now as the longer it goes on you will end up doing it all. i have been married for over 25 yrs and my DH works away 4 weeks on and 4 weeks off and do you know when he comes home he is on leave and does nothing, i am a SAHM but i never get any leave. he has never decorated a room done any gardening put the rubbish out or hung a wash out in all that time, i blame myself now as i allowed him to get away with it, if i had my time over again i would change things drastically.

Original poster

Babysittingdilemma · 23/04/2012 22:05

I have told him on previous occasions that he needs to pull his finger out, but he just doesn't do it, and I don't see how I can make him.

Does he help with DCs? Umm, when he's around, he will do bits and pieces. He has improved since my last thread about him: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1356253-To-think-I-shouldnt-have-to-ask-DH-to-visit-our-sick-baby-in-hospital

I am stuffed here aren't I :(

OP posts:

roundtoit · 23/04/2012 22:10

my other half has the nerve to stand at the window as suggest i get to grips with the garden and how about i do this that and the other . i stand behind him and mutter you f***g do it mate if you are so bloody keen. As flibbertywidget said shit like this builds up into big big problems. i am getting more and more resentful as the years go on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2012 22:11

Sorry, he sounds like a twunt.

roundtoit · 23/04/2012 22:14

you know you were ill i bet he does not go to work when he is ill so why should you have to carry on when you are?

meditrina · 23/04/2012 22:15

YANBU

How you divide the household chores is something you need to decide between the two of you, and I wouldn't (as an outsider) really think I can comment on the fairness (or otherwise) of the baseline arrangements. But I think that it is wrong for one not to step up to the mark and deal with at least the immediate tasks properly when the other is ill.

Ajaney · 23/04/2012 22:16

YANBU

Men are wired differently, they need everything spelling out in simple terms. If he was ill with food poisioning, he wouldnt go to work, would he?

Ajaney · 23/04/2012 22:17

apologies, cross post with roundtoit, great minds think alike!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2012 22:22

"Men are wired differently", aaaarrrrgggghhhhh. It is amazing how my football loving, CoD playing, martial artist, built like a brick shithouse, manly man DH manages to clean and take care of his own child and notice if the bin is overflowing and not refer to me as a housewife. It is like he is an alien.

minimisschief · 24/04/2012 00:52

i find it rather insulting alot of peope on here keep making stupid sexist comments about men. wired differently i mean ffs

i am a man and do all the housework currently as my partner has a severe back injury. but before that we did it equally. I never needed prompting or it explained to me.

just because some of you have chosen bone idle useless waste of spaces doesnt mean that men are simplistic fok who need things explained to them sowly.

bloody insulting

1950sHousewife · 24/04/2012 01:07

I think you need to explain to him that being a 'housewife' does not mean that you are also a slave. My DH works full time in a very stressful job which can involve being out all hours.
He still:
Empties the dishwasher if he sees it needs emptying.
Pops in laundry.
Irons
Takes the bins out (sorry, but for me that is definitely a man thing. sexist I know, but too bad)
'Babysits' his kids at the weekends for a few hours. Or as I call it 'spends time with his kids'.
Cooks once or twice a week

He doesn't:
Hoover
Clean the bathrooms
Make the kids lunches.
And a few other things. Not because he won't, but because I do feel like that is the trade off for me being able to go to college.

Your DH needs to realise that he is making your full time job even fuller. I think you need to sit down with him and work out what chores he's able to take on to spread the load more evenly.

I agree with minimischeif - this isn't a 'man thing'. This is a 'your DH' thing.

CountessChestyMcBoobdeLuscious · 24/04/2012 01:21

First things first.

YOU ARE NOT A HOUSEWIFE

You are a SAHP, that is, a parent that stays at home to take care of the children. A job that would cost thousands per year if he was to pay someone to come in and do it.

Anything outside his hours and your job of the looking after the kids during those hours should be strictly 50/50 and I would be happy to explain that to this twat if you care to send him my way.

But seriously, make it clear that you are NOT A HOUSEWIFE. Remember that and go from there.

SodoffBaldrick · 24/04/2012 01:28

These threads make me so angry.

How on earth does your DH exact you to like him and fancy him and want to rip his clothes off and have sex with him when he treats you like that??

It's fine if you genuinely don't mind doing it, picking up after him like he's a toddler who shouldn't be expected to lift a finger for himself, but if you do mind (anyone in their right mind should and would mind), then this is a serious marriage-eroder.

Is he genuinely that dense and un-self-aware that he can't see that treating you like his maid/skivvy is going to gradually erode all good feelings you have for him?

If he can't change then this doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship.

mayaswell · 24/04/2012 07:45

I agree minimischief, you shouldnt make generalisations about groups of people.
babysitting when you talk to him about it, does he take you seriously? Do you feel positive about your relationship in other ways? Are you going back to work soon? Will that change things?

molly3478 · 24/04/2012 08:12

Most husbands would of just done it. I am on maternity at mo and am laying in bed with baby dh is dressing, feeding and taking our other dd to school he doesnt need it spelling out and isnt wired differently anyone that says that is just maling excuses for marrying a loser

Smellslikecatspee · 24/04/2012 08:14

Read Wifework........

Seriously.

Fairenuff · 24/04/2012 08:23

just because some of you have chosen bone idle useless waste of spaces doesnt mean that men are simplistic fok who need things explained to them sowly

This is so true.

Men and women are equally capable of cooking, cleaning, shopping, housework, childcare, etc.

Your DH is 50% responsible for the children and the running of the home.

He is taking you for a mug.

And you are letting him.

samandi · 24/04/2012 09:01

just because some of you have chosen bone idle useless waste of spaces doesnt mean that men are simplistic fok who need things explained to them sowly

Sowly? :-)

Anyway yes, exactly.

Agree with the poster above who said you are not a housewife. You are on maternity leave - presumably you both work. Even if not, you shouldn't be working when he isn't and if you're ill the other provides cover.

porcamiseria · 24/04/2012 09:06

"If DH said to me that, "I am a housewife so I should do it" he would be single. I am not joking or being dramatic."

WELL!! no wonder 1 in 3 marriages ends in divorce! come on mrsT!!!!

Original poster

Babysittingdilemma · 24/04/2012 09:08

I guess I know it isn't acceptable, but the question is how do you MAKE someone pull their weight if they aren't willing?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2