To think that I shouldn't have to do ALL the housework?

[Babysittingdilemma]

Backstory: DH pretty idle around the house. I normally do everything (am on maternity leave with 8mo DD, also have 2 yo DS) but last night I had to go to bed when the kids did, as I had food poisoning from some dodgy fish.

I came downstairs this morning to find that rather than emptying the dishwasher (which had finished late afternoon) DH had left it and chucked the pans, plates and cups from his dinner in the sink, and instead of taking the (full) bins out for bin day today, he had just compressed his stuff on top and left them.

I took him to task on this when he got home from work today (I mean, is it really too much to ask) and he justified himself by saying I am a housewife so I should do it! AIBU to tell him to pull his finger out instead?!

I don't think that it about being capable of housework.

Not everyone is brought up to 'know' how to organise a house (and that does tend to be more boys than girls) and get into a routine and they have to learn that when they become responsible for themselves, thats not what is happening here.

It's the 'housewife' comment and the plates from the night before, that shows that the DH just thinks that he doesn't have to do it.

That needs addressing, who is responsible for what needs to be discussed and a plan put in place.

It's pretty difficult to make them do anything they don't want to, tbh. And can end up with accusations of nagging, you being lazy, and them "working all day so you can sit around drinking coffee with your mates" kind of thing.

I advocate leaving for the weekend. Just go and stay somewhere with a friend, or by yourself and leave him to it with the children - see how he copes - or doesn't. Might give him some idea of how MUCH you actually do.

And yes, he is a lazy twunt who was badly brought up - there is nothing different about their wiring, it's down to their upbringing most of the time.

I always find these threads astonishing. Not because of the issue OPs usually have, but because of the responses. It's not just the way men are. Or what you do to make life a bit easier and I feel sorry for all those women who think this is normal, or just the way it is.

Whatever you and your H decide to do re domestic chores is up to you. Personally, I don't see why a SAHP also has to be responsible for all domestic chores, but if that's what you've decided, fine. But when you're sick, if you're in a loving, healthy, partner-based relationship, the other one steps up. You're partners. And that means sometimes you have to pick up the slack for the other one when things are difficult. You're sick, but apparently, in your H's world, that just means that the chores he expects you to do for him just get done later? Unacceptable.

Mine would love it if I did everything around it, he pushes his luck, once spent an entire day trying to get me to help tidy one of the rooms (I'm lonely/We can do it together/I'll just put it all in a dustbin sack and we can sort it out later) rather than just knuckle down and do it.

BUT He freely acknowledges that he's like this, he does cook, empty bins, fill/empty the dishwasher etc. and if I mention that he's taking the mick then he looks contrite and gets on with stuff.

He would never, ever make some comment like that, and if he did there would be sanctions.

My sympathies OP, he sounds like a twunt. I hope you're feeling a bit better after that dodgy fish!

My DH is similar, when I was off on mat leave (I had 6 months) he used to give me a list of 'things to do round the house today'. With a newborn of course I didn't do them and I havn't forgiven him. Now we both work FT but It's still expected that I'll do most of the housework - trying to stand my ground results in being called lazy or a nag.

So no advice I'm afraid, but you're not alone and agree with thumbwitch, it is poor upbringing. Watching with interest to see how you can make someone pull their weight!

I can understand why as a SAHP you might do a greater proportion of the household chores generally. I don't see why this would extend to picking up after a capable adult.

My dh seems to be able to do things like emptying the dishwasher if he sees it needs done without me pointing it out to him, yet, he is definitely male.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant at the moment and knackered all the time so he has dropped my ds at nursery this morning to let me have a lie in, while ds was having the breakfast he'd got him I could hear him emptying and loading the dishwasher and tidying the kitchen. If I was ill he would take over all the chores without being asked because we are in this together.

I honestly think a lot of women have very low expectations of men and it's sad because there are lots of good men who aren't like that.

I honestly think a lot of women have very low expectations of men and it's sad because there are lots of good men who aren't like that.

Quite. My DH for one. He does almost all the tidying up, washing up in the evening after I have cooked. He helps me put the kids to bed, he does the laundry, the ironing, cleaning of bathrooms, floors, putting the bins out etc etc. He doesn't sit down in the evening before everything is done. (I do do some chores too..it does make me sound like I dont' do much!). He has a pretty full on job as a teacher, but he never shys away from the housework.

One of my closest friends DH is like yours OP. She is a SAHM and he does sod all house work. I couldn't believe it when she told me. Apparently he does NOTHING in the evenings after work. He does help with putting one of the kids to bed but afterwards just goes on the PC or watched telly for the rest of the night while she finishes up all the chores. And she has two children that keep waking up at night, and she deals with all of that on her own too. SHe is bloody knackered.

WELL!! no wonder 1 in 3 marriages ends in divorce! come on mrsT!!!!

In this case the marriage would have ended because my H was a disrespectful, workshy, sexist, bullying, demeaning twunt. I fail to see how that would have been my fault. Oh yes, for marrying the arsehole in the first place.

I guess I know it isn't acceptable, but the question is how do you MAKE someone pull their weight if they aren't willing?

You talk to them. You tell them that you are unhappy with the way things have been and you want that to change. You don't need to blame or nag or tell him what to do. He loves you. He respects you. He sees you as an equal in your relationship. If he doesn't then you wouldn't want to be with him anyway.

So just talk. Stick to the subject, don't get sidetracked. So if he starts to talk about the fact that he works hard all day, etc. just say 'Yes, I know you do but that's not what I want to talk about', and steer it back to what it is you want to resolve.

Have a chat with him and come back and tell us how it went?