to expect the parents to stop their toddler attacking mine?

[Samvet]

so.... had minor falling out with friends. He is SAHD (lets call him Trevor) and has DS same age as mine (19 m). They usually get on ok with usually scuffles over toys. My DS had a hitting phase but I told him off calmly and removed him from the situation and he stopped quickly.

Recently their toddler (lets call him Brian) has been getting rather rough with mine (usual hitty toddlery stuff) and I am not too bothered as I know this is what they do.
What bothers me is that dad does nothing, or says in a normal voice 'don't do that Brian, say sorry' which he of course does not understand.

Brian started last week pushing other children over and again dad did nothing.

Last week at singing class Brian ran at my DS from accross the room and pushed him over, right off his feet, really forcefully. My DS bashed his head on the floor and hollered and I picked him up and said in a calm, quiet voice 'hey Brian that's naughty'. Dad did nothing. Few mins later my DS got over it, dancing around, and Brian does it again. I admit, I snapped 'seriously Trevor!' and grabbed my DS up whilst looking cross at Trevor. I said this in a pissed off but not loud voice.

Then Brian had massive tantrum and Trevor took him out. We were supposed to go for lunch but Trevor cancelled. I felt bad for snapping (in my defence DS getting up at 5.20 and me v tired). So texted 'sorry for snapping'.
Since then Trevor is obviously in a huge moody strop with me and ignoring me in a school-yard, teenage girl fashion.

So do I apologise again or leave him to mardy mood about until he gets over it? It has been a few days and we normally text/meet up tomorrow. Or do I phone and say 'hey Trev what's up'. I understand toddlers hit/push and honestly am not being pfb, but surely I don't have to watch my calm, placid DS get knocked over whilst trying to teach him to not hurt others?

MN jury - what thinks you?

I'd tell him to sort his kid out or not see us again.

I doubt he'll change and start minimising the risk of his child hitting other children. Find other friends.

That is what I feel like doing Debsbear! Trouble is we are in an NCT group so all see each other a bit. Agree tho and have joined new toddler group to make new not pushing friends.

Toddlers can still be injured by being pushed over, so you have the right to 'snap' whilst dad sits and does nothing.

This is the age were bounderies can start to be put into place.

I'm surprised the nursery staff aren't 'offering' him advice, on how to stop this behaviour.

Dad needs to deal with this and you shouldn't be saying sorry.

Of course the option is to sort the issue out yourself and take his little son aside and give him what for. The friendship might still end but you'll feel one hell of a better about it

Yanbu. You texted with an apology for the snapping and Trevor is still being a meangirl about it .There's no need for you to say sorry again.

Don't blame you for snapping. Lots of toddlers go through phases of hitting, pushing etc but if they are just told " that's naughty" in a calm, normal voice, they'll never learn that they're doing something wrong. The dad needs to be a lot firmer with him.

You did the right thing, you are not going to sit back and say nothing if your child is being hurt!

Just let it go, I'm sure you won't be the only parent to have issues with this behaviour and he may realise he needs to step up and do something about it before he loses all his friends with children.

Sorry, let it go as in don't keep apologizing and find new friends, not let his dc keep hitting yours!

You shouldn't have apoligised the first time. Leave him be.

If he contacts you say that you don't want the toddlers meeting up until he has dealt with the hitting. There are plenty of children out their whose parents will not allow them to abuse yours, let your child play with them. This little boy will continue to push boundaries to see how far he can go, with parenting like this he will likely continue getting worse until he becomes dangerous. Don't bother with them.

*apologised

Abuse...dangerous...seriously bobbledunk get a grip we are talking about a 19 month old, not a 19 yr old!!

OP you do not need to apologise again. I'd leave it and wait to see if he wants to contact you.

I'm not talking about now, if he is never taught control when he's older he will be dangerous if size and strength allow. Could be at eight or eighteen.

Op's child will be his punching bag for as long as they are playing together.

The child needs to be told off by his Dad, and appropriate punishment, absolutely! But a 19 mth old does not view another child as a punching bag.

Completely agree, Bobbledunk

He might genuinely not know how to discipline his child. I can understand how this annoys you, but perhaps he just needs some friendly advice. As he is not talking to you and you say you know each other via an NCT group, could you not talk to the child's mother?

Sheesh people. I have a child like Trevor's. She is rough and pushy/loud etc. I do what I can, telling her off, removing her and showing her how to be gentle. Calling it abuse and dangerous makes me feel horrible.

Don't feel horrible MrsTP. You say you are doing what you can but it doesn't sound like the case in the OP's story. I think that makes all the difference.

It's only 'abuse' and 'dangerous' if it goes completely unchecked by the parents. Quite different.

Thanks NoOnes. Sometimes it feels like everyone else's children are little angels and mine is the 'problem' child. She is funny and happy and wonderful to be around but she gets so enthusiastic and it comes out as pushing and hitting. I wonder if Trevor is finding it hard too [empathy emoticon].

Thank you all so much for your comments. Mrs TP, I think the issue for me is not so much the actual pushing it was trevors reaction to it, I.e. Very little reaction. If he pushed him and trevor did as you say you do, telling off, removing etc I would have no issue, as you say it is what some toddlers do, it is that he did nothing. I think he is finding it hard tbh, Brian is a handful, but he should at least try and stop him in a group situation IMO. Thank you all! He is a moody mard and I am over apologising - frisking heck he should be apologising to me and DS!
Thanks all, onwards to new chums.

Should read 'fricking heck'. As DS is a word sponge I am attempting not to swear.

I wouldnt start throwing your toys out of the pram.

Just talk to him. Go up to him and say 'I really am sorry for snapping, can we have a chat over a coffee?' and if he agrees, say plainly that it would be brilliant if he were the one to discipline his little boy, rather than you feeling awkward about having to do it'. Just spin it like that. Most people are amenable to this sort of approach. If he isnt, he is a bit of a tosser.

Ps splashy - I am friends with the mum and interestingly Brian behaves much better for her, but she is preggers and sicky so I didn't want to worry her, I will see how he is at next bigger group get together and speak to her if he hasn't improved.

MrsTP - 'Trevor' probably is finding it too had, but don't give too much sympathy. I had a friend whose DS is exactly the same, and has been for a number of years. The school have done their best to stop the behaviour and I haven't been given an injury report for awhile now (almost all from this child and was on a weekly basis) but the child's DM completely ignores his behaviour at the playground after school and my DS gets hit etc and there's only so much I can do to stop it - she has ALWAYS been like this Trevor character and her DS is getting worse and worse.

An overly enthusiastic child like yours will learn boundaries eventually (even if it feels like it's taking forever!!!) but a child with a parent who ignores the behaviour gets progressively worse, and eventually that behaviour becomes malicious instead of just boisterous.