to talk to my 9 yr old DD about porn?

[CrabbyBigBottom]

Not something I expected to have to do quite yet.

At the weekend I overheard a neighbour's 8 year old DS telling another neighbour's DDs (also 8) what porn is. I didn't hear all of the 'explanation' but I did hear him say 'and then he puts his thing in the woman's mouth'. This was all in a conversation they were having about sex, 'humping' and kissing with tongues. All quite normal and innocent I think, apart from the porn part.

DD plays with the girls most days (and the boy sometimes too) so it's only a matter of time before she gets told this too. So I feel like the best thing to do is preempt that by having a conversation with her about her about it, my rationale being that it's better for her to hear factual information from me than garbled half truths from other kids. On the other hand, I really don't want to go into much detail about porn and why people think that that's a fun thing to do to look at other people having sex.

I've always been totally factual and with her about the facts of life - she's known how babies are made since she was four. I've taught her about the reproductive system in the same way that I've taught her about the other body systems, and have no embarrassment about talking to her about this stuff. It's only in the last year or so that she's asked how the sperm gets from the penis to the fallopian tubes though, and started to realise that sex is something that people do for reasons other than making babies. It just seems like a huge leap from that, to finding out that people like to watch other people having sex, and oral sex at that. I guess it's a sign of the times though, isn't it, and not one I like.

I thought I'd explain that she's reached an age where it's totally natural to be curious about sex and to talk to friends abut it, but to be careful about what people tell you because often children get things a bit garbled and confused. That she can always ask me anything at all without feeling embarrassed and I'll answer her truthfully and factually, and that I'll never be cross or shocked about anything she asks me. I'm also going to talk to her about the importance of never accepting anyone telling you 'don't tell your mum' (which is what neighbour's DS told the girls, not for any sinister reason I don't think, just not to get into trouble) or that something must be kept a secret. I've told her this before but I think it needs re-emphasising in this context.

I'm going to talk to her about internet security and safety and that there's some really nasty stuff (and people) out there, and that porn often treats and portrays women in a very bad and demeaning way. I don't know how much detail to go into though. Anyone with any experience of this?

I told the parents of the kids involved, btw.

Your approach looks good to me, I'd take a very similar line. I think it's a conversation to have on an ongoing basis, and an approach that pays off. My children are 12 and 11 so a bit older now, but I think that it's better (and easier) to have this sort of conversation when they are younger and less likely to be embarrassed. I hope my children go on feeling comfortable bringing their questions to me, and we've had some fairly frank conversations.

I would be really really worried about that boy. When I was slightly older than that boy I knew exactly what porn was, because the guy who was abusing me showed me plenty of it.

I can totally understand your difficulty with talking to your daughter about it. It's a sticky subject. Essentially porn is just a film of people having sex but then there is the issue about it being taboo and degrading. The last thing you want to do is to give the impression it's just a normal everyday thing, but at the same time you don't want to confuse her.

I think you'll just need to gauge it from how mature she is. Could she handle a conversation about what is and isn't acceptable wrt sex? I'd imagine not.

Grr I'm not much help!

In some ways she's very mature cailin but in others very innocent. She's completely at home with the factual biology of it all, but not really aware of all the baggage that goes with sex and nor do I want her to be!

This lad has had a girlfried at school for some time and is much more knowing. I'm assuming that he's heard this stuff at school or from another neighbour's older DS (12). His mum was appalled so I'm sure she's on the case.

My DD is home educated btw, so she's not going to have heard this at school. As I said though, she plays with these kids virtually every day.

Thanks nooka I'd be expecting this at that age, but this seems so early.

cailin I'm so sorry to hear that you were abused.

It does sound that you're doing the right thing, I would def have the chat with her sooner rather than later. Have you decided how much detail you are going to go into?

No jackin that's exactly what I'm trying to work out!

ooo, difficult one. maybe start with the sun/star?

Thanks crabby.

It is such a tough subject because you'd have to stray into masturbation and the whole idea of sex purely for recreation. It's something that a pre-pubescent child would find hard to understand. I would usually say only go with what the child can understand. Maybe you could open the conversation and then see what she asks?

That's exactly it cailin - I really don't feel that she's ready for that yet, that's my intuition.

Personally I would just stop her playing with those children. No question. They are obviously having access to things which are potentially very damaging....not what you want your DD around.

If I were you I would do the whole sex talk with a decent book...the porn thiing I would not touch on yet...but I would begin by talking a little about advertisments....I discuss this with my 7 year old DD...I will point out unrealistic images...sexist images and disccuss why they're not good.

I also talk about the internet being a world of its own...where people can pretend to be someone else (and do) in order to trick people....do it slowly.

She's too young to "get" porn yet.

I question gender roles with my DDs all the time...I want them to grow up able to challenge sexist images and sisturbing content when they DO encounter it...arming girls and boys against this is very important but it needs to be done sowly.

You don't want her sex education to be intrduced alongside porn.

D'oh, changed from new name to old name to post this thread, and forgot to swap back again to reply to cailin. I knew it would be too complex for my little brain to handle.

I dont think I would.
Shes 9,shes still very young,I would say to her if these kids talk about sex and shes feeling uncomfortable she must come straight home to you,sex is a private thing and not to be discussed as you are still a little girl but if you hear any words that you dont know about ask me and i will tell you.

dont make her grow up faster than she needs nor link porn with sex.

Thank Mrs, I've done the sex/reproduction talks right the way through, with what has felt appropriate for her level of understanding at the time. We have books. I also talk about gender roles, pressures on women and girls re appearance etc, and all sorts of things.

The porn thing is just another thing entirely though, isn't it.

No way I can or would stop her playing with neighbour's girls - they're in and out of each others houses pretty much every day. She doesn't often play with the boy, but they're in the same social circle iyswim. I would imagine that this is what is doing the rounds in the school playground, so I can't protect her from it if that's what other kids are talking about - it's going to filter through from some source or another isn't it. I'm just that they're all so young to be talking and thinking about this stuff.

I am not sure about discussing porn exactly but 9 is a good age to learn about sex and reproduction as part of growing up. My Mum constantly relates to me the time when for my 9th birthday I spent my book token on an Usbourne guide to growing up, reading aloud the juicy bits to her on the bus . So if you arm your dd with the facts of life hopefully it will gird her against expressing the shock and disgust that will encourage little boys to say more outrageous things to get her reaction if you see what I mean.

I always found that being able to affect a bored mien around teenagers trying to shock each other about sex was an effective defence and it is inevitable that some child she will come in contact with will have seen porn.

Sorry op I see you have covered the facts of life - well maybe if you know it will be an issue you will just have to try and tackle it as another aspect of adult relationships that she will inevitably be exposed to but does not have to participate in. Just as you teach children that they have to make sure other people respect their privacy they need to know that pornography is very common but troubling more for the industry built around the abuse of women than the act it portrays.

Thanks nick I don't want her to know about porn but if she's going to hear it anyway, would it be better coming from me?

Thanks bigmouth she knows all about reproduction and her body - I always figured the more factual info she had, the better, for the reasons you describe. I'm a bit stumped as to how to pitch the porn thing though! It just feels all wrong.

You're not exactly being U for wanting to give your DD factual information and for being honest and open etc but I would leave this well alone.

I would either stop her playing with these children or I would speak directly to them or their parents. I would want to know how on earth an eight year old boy knows so much about oral sex.

She does not need to know any if this from you. Not now.

x-posted bigmouth yes I think if I gloss over the details of the content, and emphasise the ethical issues and how it all feeds into pressure on women and girls to be a certain way. She already gets cross about injustices against women, so maybe this will feed into that.

puff as I said, I wouldn't stop her playing with the girls, they're her closest friends. I've asked to have a word with boy's mum to see whether she knows where this came from, and with the girls' mum to see whether she's spoken to them about it. I'm sure the girls will tell DD though - they're bound to aren't they.

My dts are 10. I wasn't really going to go into this yet although I'll always talk about anything with them that they want to discuss. They're only just getting used to the basics re puberty and babies.

Last week I had R4 on first in the morning whilst making breakfast. Ds wandered in at the precise moment they started an in depth discussion about children being exposed to porn. He immediately said 'what's porn?' Not something I was hoping to tackle from scratch at 7.45am over the cornflakes.

Got to get on now but will check thread in a bit. Thanks for all the replies. DD is back from a few days away later this afternoon, so I've got the day to decide what to say to her before she sees the girls next.

I've been decorating a loft room as a surprise for her so that she's got more space and privacy to chill with her friends... that is not looking nearly such a good idea as it was a week ago when I started it.

now what did you tell him?