to talk to my 9 yr old DD about porn?

[CrabbyBigBottom]

Not something I expected to have to do quite yet.

At the weekend I overheard a neighbour's 8 year old DS telling another neighbour's DDs (also 8) what porn is. I didn't hear all of the 'explanation' but I did hear him say 'and then he puts his thing in the woman's mouth'. This was all in a conversation they were having about sex, 'humping' and kissing with tongues. All quite normal and innocent I think, apart from the porn part.

DD plays with the girls most days (and the boy sometimes too) so it's only a matter of time before she gets told this too. So I feel like the best thing to do is preempt that by having a conversation with her about her about it, my rationale being that it's better for her to hear factual information from me than garbled half truths from other kids. On the other hand, I really don't want to go into much detail about porn and why people think that that's a fun thing to do to look at other people having sex.

I've always been totally factual and with her about the facts of life - she's known how babies are made since she was four. I've taught her about the reproductive system in the same way that I've taught her about the other body systems, and have no embarrassment about talking to her about this stuff. It's only in the last year or so that she's asked how the sperm gets from the penis to the fallopian tubes though, and started to realise that sex is something that people do for reasons other than making babies. It just seems like a huge leap from that, to finding out that people like to watch other people having sex, and oral sex at that. I guess it's a sign of the times though, isn't it, and not one I like.

I thought I'd explain that she's reached an age where it's totally natural to be curious about sex and to talk to friends abut it, but to be careful about what people tell you because often children get things a bit garbled and confused. That she can always ask me anything at all without feeling embarrassed and I'll answer her truthfully and factually, and that I'll never be cross or shocked about anything she asks me. I'm also going to talk to her about the importance of never accepting anyone telling you 'don't tell your mum' (which is what neighbour's DS told the girls, not for any sinister reason I don't think, just not to get into trouble) or that something must be kept a secret. I've told her this before but I think it needs re-emphasising in this context.

I'm going to talk to her about internet security and safety and that there's some really nasty stuff (and people) out there, and that porn often treats and portrays women in a very bad and demeaning way. I don't know how much detail to go into though. Anyone with any experience of this?

I told the parents of the kids involved, btw.

Talk to the school....this is too important to leave to chance. Make an appointment to see the head teacher....I would. The school needs to help in this.

If this were bullying on the net they would help....as it is, it is FAR worse.

I think that over the next two years or so it is important that she knows that there are some not very nice people in life who only care about themselves/money, and that sometimes, the women in these films have been tricked into doing these things because it makes these people money. Hopefully, she already knows that it's wrong to try and push someone into something they don't want to do, and she will add up the pieces.

I think you have to be careful not to just say "Porn is bad because it's explicit" because as she gets into her teens and it is normalised among her peers, she will write off your views as being prudish and old fashioned.

I had to speak to our HT when there was a culture of mocking kids with SN which seemed to spring up in my DDs class (one).

The risk was of course that I would get my DD in bother...she and some other DC had been writing things in a book...I found the book and was sad at the things they'd written....but I was glad I did it as the HT took it very seriously and had an assembly on differences...and it was a very important lesson for all...my DD was horrfied when she attached the hurt which is suffered by people to what had seemed like a harmless game to her.

Well it certainly caught me on the back foot. I could hear it coming on the radio and tried to get to it to change the station but he heard it all before I could.

I said that it was pictures of people having sex and that it def wasn't something for children to see. He looked confused and a bit revolted at the same time. He didn't ask anything else and hasn't mentioned it since.

Tbh I'm not sure if I should persue it futher or not. I don't think he's seen anything from friends at school - he's quite mature in some ways others not. He still believes in Father Christmas, or rather I think he's hanging onto the notion for grim death, because he's in no hurry to be grown up and has said as much.

He's a thoughtful, bright little boy who probably would say if he'd seen anything. But I realise the world is a different place these days and I don't want to delude myself that he'll be protected

My own feelings about porn are mixed in a way. I don't want him to think it's a fantastic thing to get into. But I'm realistic enough to accept many adults enjoy it and live perfectly ok lives. No way is it ok for children to view it though. Then there are the different types of porn, some utterly hideous, and women being seen as objects and looking a certain way and that's not what real people are like, and aargh...where do you start with it all?

'What's porn?' isn't really a question you can answer without getting dragged into all kinds of areas that I don't think my 10yr olds are ready to go to yet

I've been discussing why there are so many pictures of women nude/almost nude with my dd lately, its come up a couple of times when she has seen adverts or magazines and asked about it. she's a 'young' age 10, really has little interest in boys other than playing football or beating them in a maths test. anyhow, i have just explained that boys and men often like looking at womens boobs/bottoms etc and pretty much left it there fo now.

Its not a full and frank explanation about porn, but its an intro and hopefully will help reduce the shock if/when her friends tell her all the gory details.

When my ds (teens now) discovered porn ,I explained to them that to me as a mum it hurt my feelings for them to link females to porn,I told them that the girls in these films and pictures may have come from a poorer country and feel forced to do it as a way to support their families,that some of these women are abused and have no self respect or esteem and that some of them are drug users or alcoholics- there is nothing wrong with seeing these pictures and feeling they are 'sexy' but they are not real life and its very important that you dont think that all females will act this way or behave this way or find it attractive.

I also told them that lots of these ladies are simply doing it to help their families legitimately,it is their 'work' and again theres nothing wrong with that so long as you respect women.

I asked them to look at their Dad and then think would they like to see me watching films and looking at pictures of handsome,fit young men?? both boys felt sad that I would do that and would feel that dad wasnt good enough for me.

It's a very tricky age and a very big subject. I feel so angry and sad that we live in an age where children don't come to things in a timely measured way.

The really big hard issues - drugs/porn/sex - are kicking the door of their childhood down and forcing them to be aware of things that are way too old for them

Some great replies here, thank you - you are all putting into words what I'm feeling.

I'm not blanketly anti-porn, but I am concerned about the 'pornification' of mainstream culture, and the pressure now on girls growing up to think that they have to conform to this ideal of skinny, hairless, identikit young women who must always but always be gagging for it. I want her to know that she doesn't have to conform to this shit, just as she doesn't have to buy into the 'sleb' culture, or the 'fame and consumer items as gods' shit either.

My own feelings about porn are mixed in a way. I don't want him to think it's a fantastic thing to get into. But I'm realistic enough to accept many adults enjoy it and live perfectly ok lives. No way is it ok for children to view it though. Then there are the different types of porn, some utterly hideous, and women being seen as objects and looking a certain way and that's not what real people are like, and aargh...where do you start with it all? 'What's porn?' isn't really a question you can answer without getting dragged into all kinds of areas that I don't think my 10yr olds are ready to go to yet

That's exactly it Now. She's so young!

Mrs it wouldn't be appropriate for me to speak to the head teacher as DD doesn't attend school. If anyone's going to do that it should be the parents of the children involved, and that's down to their discretion, I think. I have given a heads up to a couple of friends who've got children at the school though.

nick what you've told your boys sounds ideal. I'm going to try and adapt that into what's age appropriate for DD.

Awful isn't it?

And I thought the diffucult bit was giving birth and 3am feeds. That was the easy part looking back compared to this.

I do resent it though. My dc are just at that brilliant age where they're fun to be around, want to be with us and yet old enough to be a bit more independant so that I can relax a little and enjoy them.

I had hoped for a period of respite before we launched into teens and all that brings. But the world is insidiously trying to take this precious time away before we're ready and it can bog off as far as I'm concerned and leave them alone . I feel so protective of them and their right to a childhood and yet I can't leave them vulnerable and unprepared either.

Exactly - I want to strike a balance between giving her enough information, but not too much so that it takes away her innocence too soon.

I'd just been having this very conversation with my dh. It's not just the hardcore nature of porn and it's occasionally disturbing imagery that I object to, though that's bad enough!
It's, as you said CBB, it's the pornification of mainstream culture so that hairless, big breasted women and gorgeous, six pack clad men all happily indulging in anal sex and threesomes has become "normal"! Sure, there have always been some people who looked like this or tried and enjoyed these things but now it's become so much more visible and therefore our children will grow up thinking everyone should look like this and do these things. And that's just not how I want my kids to view the opposite sex and relationships.
You're right NowWeKnow, there's so much less time for us to enjoy our children as interesting young adults before they have to be exposed to all this stuff....

Hmm... just talked to the mum of the girls and she doesn't think it's a big deal at all. Maybe I'm over-reacting? She doesn't think they really understood or absorbed it.

I don't know whether to mention it or not!

Anyone?

I'd seriously look at the kind of children your child is playing with crabby...I know you say you wont stop her...but then if that's the case well you'll have to acept this kind of attitude....and what goes with it.

mrs I am careful about the children that DD plays with. If she were at school she'd be exposed to whatever was being discussed in the playground every day, and all sorts of different children, some of them whom I'd definitely prefer she didn't spend time with. That's normal, isn't it?

I don't know whether this is normal for this age or not.

I'd have absorbed it at 8! That's precisely the age I was when a girl in my class told us all she'd seen her parents shagging - most of us had to have this explained to us as we had no idea what shagging meant. We listened rapt and agog as she revealed all. It definitely did not go over our heads.

So do you think I shouldn't talk to her about it then puff?

D'oh forgot to change name back again. Oh well.

In the 'old days' most of us had seen playboy type magazines around that age... older brothers, kids being too nosey under their parents beds etc who then brought them to school.

I think the way you explained things in your OP would be fine and just answer any questions from there.

It is 'normal' for kids this age - usually courtesy of older siblings!!

Thanks chipping. I think the difference is that 'titty mags' were generally a lot milder than the porn that's so ubiquitous on the internet now. Back then it might have been a topless or spread leg shot, now it's oral, anal and god knows what else.

Oh I totally get that :) However, it's all kids of this generation will know and what I was trying to say is that it's normal for kids this age to look at stuff like that and laugh about it... it's not their fault that it's so much more graphic than 'titty mags' though the ones we looked at were too... some of the older brothers & dads had quite racy collections!

What do you think then chipping - should I raise the subject with her or leave well alone?

Op is your dd home educated??
my ds3 is and i think we tend to be a bit 'on alert' also our homeschooled dc dont 'get' playgroud politics and so I see that you would find it more disturbing perhaps than another parent who's heard far worse in the playground.

crabby thanks its hard to broach sexual conversation so i tend to go with fact and feeling.