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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have accepted this gift?

37 replies

BellaCB · 22/04/2012 13:26

We have a close friend who is pretty well off (I'll put it in context - he's considering buying a boat!). In conversation the other day it came up that we wanted to by DD (3mo) a new buggy as I HATE our current travel system with a passion. Friend said that he would like to buy us a new buggy as a present for DD, as he hadn't bought her anything yet - though that's a lie, he bought her an all-singing, all-dancing playmat when she was born, but I know he won't have considered the 'cost' of the playmat enough for a present in his opinion. He was very adamant about buying this buggy and even texted me the next day to remind me of his offer.

DP isn't keen on taking him up. I'm not entirely sure why, but I know he's had issues with 'taking' money from his friend in the past (such as his friend paying for dinner etc). I think we should take the gift as it was a seriously made offer.

AIBU to take such an expensive present?

OP posts:
catsareevil · 22/04/2012 13:29

Does he know how much a buggy would cost?

thatisall · 22/04/2012 13:29

I think you ought to speak to dp and find out exactly what the issue is before you accept anything. It is a very generous gift, which most people couldn't afford to say no to...but what if it causes a rift with dp? Is it worth it? Maybe dp is being a bit unreasonable, but pride can effect us all at times. Maybe he feels a bit belittled, or patronised? Either way talk talk talk.....do it now, incase this friend just turns up with a new pram!!

diddl · 22/04/2012 13:32

Well if the buggy is quite servicable but you just dislike it it seems a waste to me tbh.

Why can´t you just say thanks for the offer & replace it yourselves?

noinspiration · 22/04/2012 13:32

Take it, it is a kind offer and he would be hurt if you didn't. He obviously has sufficient money that it isn't a huge deal for him. Hope you can make your DP understand.

Original poster
BellaCB · 22/04/2012 13:39

Yes, we talked about costs of buggies - we actually talked about it before he offered, I had mentioned I had chosen the one I liked and then afterwards he said he'd really like to buy it and that we should go out and buy it and he'd transfer the money over to us (I know that might sound a bit weird but he's a childless thirty-something, he would never know what pram might suit or go into a shop to look at one!)

diddl, we're just going to put the travel system in the loft for the next baby. Honestly, it's a tank!

OP posts:
boarding · 22/04/2012 13:40

Men can have quite a masculine primitive reaction to prams IME.
-taking great pride in choosing them and funding them etc. for their brood.
I'd check it out properly with DH first.

kilmuir · 22/04/2012 13:42

Sell the one one you have and put it towards a new one.

diddl · 22/04/2012 13:44

Well it seems simple to me that your husband wants to buy the things that his child needs himself-aren´t you happy to do that also?

eurochick · 22/04/2012 13:47

Let me guess, friend is male and your partner is getting a bit territorial?

Original poster
BellaCB · 22/04/2012 13:50

Of course I'm happy to buy the things DD needs, though if I am being honest our friend has offered to buy a nicer buggy than we can afford. (kilmuir, I'd love to sell the one we have but I'd be amazed if we got any money for it, I can't emphasise how bad a travel system it is - massive, cumbersome, about 8 years old as it was given to us by a work friend).

I think DP is more worried that it will look as though we are taking advantage of our friend because he earns more money than us. So I guess this is more of an 'AIBU' about the monetary value of gifts?

OP posts:
PiousPrat · 22/04/2012 13:54

A child needs clothes. That doesn't mean that only the parents should be able to buy them, what about all the people (me) who love the excuse of looking at cute baby outfits to give one to a friends newborn? Should we not be allowed the pleasure of giving a gift to Mark a joyous occasion because it is practical and the parents should do it themselves?

The giving of a gift is a red herring here I think, and it is far more to do with the cost and amount of money involved. If it were a £10 outfit from George, I doubt your husband would think twice about gracefully accepting it.

With that in mind, would it be worth talking to your husband and explaining that while you understand his pride, no one is suggesting that your friend is buying the pram because he can't afford it, simply that he wants to give you something that will be useful to you. That he also has to remember your friends pride as well, as it could be a bit insulting to him to make an offer like that and have it declined since that may imply he isn't important enough to the family to be 'allowed' to make that gift. After all, plenty of grandparents, aunts and uncles buy the pram for a new baby so by saying no, you are implying he isn't as close to you as they might be which, depending on how close a friend he is, could be really quite mean.

Equally it might not hurt to point out that while a pram is a big expense to you, with all the extra outgoings you have with a child, it isn't such a big deal to a childless 30 something for whom their money is their own. If your friend is a drinker, I'd suggest you compare the pram price to how much he would spend on a night out to see if that helps your husband see in 'real terms' how different money is in the2 households.

diddl · 22/04/2012 14:00

Well then accept & pay back if you think it is too much of a gift?

PurpleRomanesco · 22/04/2012 14:10

Accept it.

I find it really odd when people refuse to let themselves to be treated by people who offer. Life is too short IMO and when something comes along that would make life that little bit easier/enjoyable people should jump at it.

diddl · 22/04/2012 14:15

"I find it really odd when people refuse to let themselves to be treated by people who offer."

I just couldn´t accept something of that value from someone else.

PurpleRomanesco · 22/04/2012 14:22

Why not? My mother is like this and I find it infuriating. She never let's us help or treat her and every time we speak she brings up the money she "owes" us which I would never take back.

This is a friend who wants to and is able to help another friend out. Wouldn't you want to do the same is it were reversed?

What is it about money that makes people act so odd?

PurpleRomanesco · 22/04/2012 14:23

if

Hebiegebies · 22/04/2012 14:26

How about accepting the gift and giving it loaning your present system to someone who needs it? Passing on the blessing :)

PuffPants · 22/04/2012 14:26

My DH would be fine about accepting such a gift from our patents or other older people. But not from a contemporary, no way.

diddl · 22/04/2012 14:26

"What is it about money that makes people act so odd?"

I can´t see what´s odd about wanting to buy your child´s buggy yourself.

OP says that they can afford to-just not the one the friend would buy.

I´d settle for what I could afford.

PuffPants · 22/04/2012 14:27

Parents, obviously.

bemybebe · 22/04/2012 14:27

I personally would not have accepted it, but then I would not think anything of you accepting either. Just on the face value of your op.

It depends on his circs, on your circs, on precise nature of your friendship, on the buggy (is it a Ferrari of buggies or a functional unassuming number) and how you want the dynamic of your relationship with this friend to develop going forward.

lisad123 · 22/04/2012 14:27

Mum brought my first buggy for dd1 as sadly we had brought everything but the store went into administration before delivery Sad
It never crossed my mind to refuse Blush
Would dh feel the same if it was your parents or his family offering?

YNK · 22/04/2012 14:31

I would ask what issues your Dp has with this gift. Maybe he thinks this will lead to him pushing your boundaries in some way, maybe inviting himself for sunday lunch or something? Does your Dp have any business dealings with him that accepting a gift would compromise?
To be honest I would not want to accept a gift I was unable to reciprocate, as I would feel beholden to the giver.

Coconutty · 22/04/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BellaCB · 22/04/2012 14:36

hebie, that's a really nice idea, I will do some thinking about who might need to borrow the pram!

diddl, that's fine, everyone has different beliefs and money is very divisive.

And pious, yes, I know how much he can spend on a night out (having been on the receiving end of some of his rounds on occasions! Grin) which might be why I am happier to accept this gift - I know that £250, say, for this friend is like us spending £25. Or less, actually. I'll remind DP of that and, as you say, of the fact that our friend probably does want to buy us something useful. In fact, I suspect he might be happy that he hasn't had to think of something himself!

bebe, this is a very old friend from our uni days, one of DP's best friends, and the buggy is a Mclaren Techno XLR - I'm a first time mum but I don't think that's too expensive a buggy? Unless it is? Got me worried now!!

Oh, and lisad, ironically DP had no issue at all yesterday when my parents bought DD a travel cot as a playpen!

Maybe it would be better to buy some nice present in return for our friend to thank him for his generosity?

(Thanks all - this is distracting me immensely from worrying about interviewing a potential childminder later this afternoon!)

OP posts:
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