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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cut my Mother out of our lives?

76 replies

thatisall · 21/04/2012 15:52

This is a bit of a post about a post (sorry). 2 weeks ago I posted, with a different name about my upcoming wedding and wanting my Mum to act like a Mum just this once. I got some great advice: Have her at the wedding, don't let anything she says or does or doesn't say and doesn't do upset you and get over it, she will not change and its not your fault. It was good advice and for the most part I followed it.

I did have a little cry on my wedding morning when the hairdresser asked if my Auntie was my Mum, because my Mum didn't get in touch with me at all that day...or the day before or at all in relation to my wedding or anything else really.

At the Church she sat right at the front looking very entitled and took photographs. She didn't speak to me or my dh all day and left without saying goodbye. My photographer instigated MOB pictures as he is a good friend and said I might regret it if we didn't have them.

She has done ALOT of bad things over the years. Allowing abusive partners into my life, abandoning us all when I was 14 and the oldest of 5, behaving as though I'm not even her daughter. She openly admits that she has little to do with me because she's 'done her bit'. She acts like she's jealous of me, when I just want her to be proud.

I had an outburst yesterday when I saw that my friend had been tagged in her wedding pic album on facebook. My Mum will not be my friend on facebook so I can't see the rest of the photos of my wedding. My friend assures me that there weren't ANY of my dh and I anyway; though this actually made me feel worse.

She hates me, she clearly hates me. In the last 7 months while she has barely been speaking to me, she did not see my dd. She says it is my responsibility to bring dd to her as she is too ill (my mother is prone to inexplainable illnesses - that sounds mean but i mean it...one nurse even joked with me that she needed an exorcist) and takes no responsibility for the fact that she didn't even pick up the phone.

I am not blameless. I'm stubborn, I find it hard to forget all the shit she did or allowed to be done when I was growing up and everything she does feels like the last straw. I do retaliate. For example, she didn't get in touch on my birthday so a couple of days ago when it was hers, I didn't bother getting in touch. I should be a bigger person than that.

I'm allowing all of this to change me and make me into a nasty bitch.
I think I want to cut her off. Not make a big show of it, but just stop trying or allowing myself to be drawn into family meetings about it. Time will pass and eventually she will have been away from us for so long that it might stop hurting. But...

...I know of so many people whose parents have passed away that would do ANYTHING for their parents to be alive and I feel like such a bitch.

I want to protect my dd from this person but i feel like a bitch for denying her a relationship with her grandmother.

MNers are fiercely protective of rights to access and relationships and so am I, but I'm hurting so much that I'm worried my judgement is cloudy.

I need to know honestly...would I be a bad Mum for cutting off my Mum?

OP posts:
lisaro · 21/04/2012 16:07

Don't beat yourself up about it - it's not your doing. You're right, don't make a big deal but don't have contact. You sound as if you'd be better off.

WhiteShores · 21/04/2012 16:09

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the experiences you've described. Sad

Secondly, while I don't think its right to deny children contact with their relatives for purely selfish or malicious reasons, there is absolutely nothing wrong with preventing such contact because you seriously and honestly think it might cause them harm (and in fact is your duty to do so).

On purely personal opinion, if your mother's behaviour makes you feel chronically bad, then its very possible (although not 100%) that she will also ultimately make your daughter feel the same way.

Theres also the issue that you are essentially modelling what are healthy relationships to your daughter, and teaching her what behaviour from others should be accepted, and what should be rejected.

Only you can come to the best decision really, but the fact that you are questioning yourself so thoroughly bodes very well.

Hoping it gets easier for you. Thanks

ENormaSnob · 21/04/2012 16:11

Yanbu

I wouldn't allow her near my dc at all tbh.

cherrypieplum · 21/04/2012 16:11

Do it. Sadly one of the best things I ever did was to cut ties with my father and nutcase of a second wife! Let her see what she is missing.

diddl · 21/04/2012 16:12

"denying her a relationship with her grandmother."

No grandmother is better than a bad one imo.

ifeelloved · 21/04/2012 16:15

What kind of relationship are you denying your dd?

Original poster
thatisall · 21/04/2012 16:18

Im denying her the relationship she already has. She's 9. She missed her those 7 months. I feel so bad for her...I don't want her to feel like the unwanted grandchild just because her Mum is the unwanted child

OP posts:
wheremommagone · 21/04/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonna · 21/04/2012 16:21

On the other side of that, the only reason I will attend my mother's funeral is to ensure the bitch is in the fucking ground, dead, gone and no chance of coming back.

Deny dd a relationship with her grandmother, or do you want dd to be exposed to the things you were, or exposed to badmouthing of you, divided loyalties and all that goes with it. Granny does not deserve a relationship and if it's down to you to take dd to see Granny, then don't bother.
As for not being blameless. You are blameless, being stubborn has nothing to do with it. Why should you be a put in a position where you feel you need to be the bigger, nicer person. Ignore her. She may be your mother, but that's not a relationship you had any choice in. Now you have choices, exercise those choices, trust me, you'll feel so much better for them.

Original poster
thatisall · 21/04/2012 16:23

Right now none really as we've been largely estranged for several months, but before then, she saw her when I went to her house, which was often, as in a few times a week.

There are 2 other younger gd's, my dsis children and I know that my dd will feel she is left out. But I'm just so worried, about her warped sense of right and wrong rubbing off on dd and about the effect she has on me and my sanity quite frankly, effecting my dd too.

OP posts:
LentillyFart · 21/04/2012 16:26

So sorry for you - I can't imagine how it must be to live your life with a mother like this.
To my way of thinking - well - I just think you'd be better off without her. She's not bringing anything positive to your life and why should you have her in it only by virtue of the fact that she gave birth to you? I think both you and your DD will have much happier futures without this shit.

Nancy66 · 21/04/2012 16:28

Yes - do it.

The woman brings you nothing but pain and misery.

As children we have no choice but to have certain adults in our lives - once we are adults ourselves though we have more control.

Why have someone in your life that is neither good for you or good to you?

Original poster
thatisall · 21/04/2012 16:31

I know you're all right but of course in rl it isn't that easy, as I said I have four younger siblings. 2 of which (for their sins) are still in education and live with her now.

Cutting her off will alienate me and my dd from them massively

OP posts:
Original poster
thatisall · 21/04/2012 16:32

btw for their sins was the living with her part...not the education :-S

OP posts:
manicbmc · 21/04/2012 16:35

I have lost both my parents. I miss them. But they were lovely people. I don't think losing a parent compares with having such a nasty one though.

If your mother is this toxic (and might potentially cause damage to your relationship with your dd) then don't bother with her. Don't call. Don't send cards. She was the one supposed to protect you and be the adult when you were growing up and she didn't. She sounds horribly selfish.

Good luck x

manicbmc · 21/04/2012 16:36

Keep in touch with siblings if you can and let them know you are there for them if they need you.

lovebunny · 21/04/2012 16:37

you poor girl. i am so sorry that your mum treats you like this.
she must be a very damaged person, but that isn't your fault and it is not your job to heal her.

you have to protect yourself and your dd. that means cutting her out of your life. give yourself a good break before you even consider contact, so that you can start to heal. when you aren't hurting so much you will be able to think about what you are/are not able to cope with from her as a mum and a grandma.

i am so impressed what you have managed so far, after a really difficult start. you have your own dd and you care about her in a way that your mum didn't demonstrate for you as a child. you're married, you had a wedding! goodness knows how many other achievements you have made, without her support.

protect yourself as far as possible from self-recrimination if she suddenly passes away while you are estranged - think of all the things you have done to include her in your life and how she has responded. the wedding is a perfect example.

your mum isn't making your life better, she's making it worse. that isn't her role. you can cut the ties between you without regret. leave open the possibility that one day you might feel differently, or she might change. but for now, protect yourself and your family.

i am so sorry that your mum hasn't behaved properly. i hope i am a good mum to my daughter and grandma to my baby grandaughter. i would hate to be distant from them - i've seen them five times this week and i feel so honoured. but they know i love them and i try, even if i'm annoying sometimes.

you deserve so much more than you've had from your mum. good luck.

hiddenhome · 21/04/2012 16:38

I cut my mother out of our lives 13 years ago and I haven't regretted one single moment Smile She totally deserved it and life is too short to spend on nasty people like that.

Be strong, be happy Smile

something2say · 21/04/2012 16:38

I cut my mum out years ago too, very sound decision making and the beginning of much simpler times.

lisacn · 21/04/2012 17:56

My mum disowned me 5 days before my wedding 13 years ago, to be honest in the long run it was the best thing that could have happened. If you don't get any pleasure out of this relationship then its time to call it quits. My sister tried to keep a relationship with her for the sake of my niece but it didn't work, I used to feel sorry for my niece as she never knew if she would hear from her grandmother when it was her birthday or Christmas.

I used to blame myself and ended up having counselling, its not worth it. She won't change as she is unaware/ indenial of her problem

Like others have said life is too short

MrsAmaretto · 21/04/2012 18:24

YANBU.

My dad cut his mother out of our lives when I was 1. I met her twice - at 12yrs & 15yrs for an hour each time, and understood why we never met her before (I'm in my mid 30s). I don't feel I've missed out.

bringbacksideburns · 21/04/2012 18:28

She didn't even speak to you on your own Wedding day. Very odd.

I'd leave her to it. But first i'd tell her why via e mail or letter.
And then i'd leave the ball in her court without actually saying you never want to see her ever again.

crypes · 21/04/2012 18:40

No dont write a letter, do nothing for a while and let it fizzle out, Shes seen the wedding and knows all about your DD so now the balls in her court. Stand back abit and see how you feel without contact with her for 6months to a year. Assess your feelings after time apart. I get the feeling you have a picture in your head how a mum should be but with her its not happening and you can not force a fantasy.

diddl · 21/04/2012 19:09

I agree with that.

Leave it & see what happens.

RandomMess · 21/04/2012 19:13

Leave it and let it fizzle out so you can continue to have a relationship with your siblings.