to cut my Mother out of our lives?

[thatisall]

This is a bit of a post about a post (sorry). 2 weeks ago I posted, with a different name about my upcoming wedding and wanting my Mum to act like a Mum just this once. I got some great advice: Have her at the wedding, don't let anything she says or does or doesn't say and doesn't do upset you and get over it, she will not change and its not your fault. It was good advice and for the most part I followed it.

I did have a little cry on my wedding morning when the hairdresser asked if my Auntie was my Mum, because my Mum didn't get in touch with me at all that day...or the day before or at all in relation to my wedding or anything else really.

At the Church she sat right at the front looking very entitled and took photographs. She didn't speak to me or my dh all day and left without saying goodbye. My photographer instigated MOB pictures as he is a good friend and said I might regret it if we didn't have them.

She has done ALOT of bad things over the years. Allowing abusive partners into my life, abandoning us all when I was 14 and the oldest of 5, behaving as though I'm not even her daughter. She openly admits that she has little to do with me because she's 'done her bit'. She acts like she's jealous of me, when I just want her to be proud.

I had an outburst yesterday when I saw that my friend had been tagged in her wedding pic album on facebook. My Mum will not be my friend on facebook so I can't see the rest of the photos of my wedding. My friend assures me that there weren't ANY of my dh and I anyway; though this actually made me feel worse.

She hates me, she clearly hates me. In the last 7 months while she has barely been speaking to me, she did not see my dd. She says it is my responsibility to bring dd to her as she is too ill (my mother is prone to inexplainable illnesses - that sounds mean but i mean it...one nurse even joked with me that she needed an exorcist) and takes no responsibility for the fact that she didn't even pick up the phone.

I am not blameless. I'm stubborn, I find it hard to forget all the shit she did or allowed to be done when I was growing up and everything she does feels like the last straw. I do retaliate. For example, she didn't get in touch on my birthday so a couple of days ago when it was hers, I didn't bother getting in touch. I should be a bigger person than that.

I'm allowing all of this to change me and make me into a nasty bitch.
I think I want to cut her off. Not make a big show of it, but just stop trying or allowing myself to be drawn into family meetings about it. Time will pass and eventually she will have been away from us for so long that it might stop hurting. But...

...I know of so many people whose parents have passed away that would do ANYTHING for their parents to be alive and I feel like such a bitch.

I want to protect my dd from this person but i feel like a bitch for denying her a relationship with her grandmother.

MNers are fiercely protective of rights to access and relationships and so am I, but I'm hurting so much that I'm worried my judgement is cloudy.

I need to know honestly...would I be a bad Mum for cutting off my Mum?

Please do not believe that she can have a healthy relationship with your DD.
Your DD will either be her trump card to wield over you, and to use against you at the cost of your relationship with your DD, or your DD will be increasingly belittled and ostracised by her, just because she is your daughter.

Take it from me, I am currently cutting my mother out of our lives because the impact on DS is too great :( DS feels completely compromised, and feels that his relationship with her depends on him tolerating her negativity towards me, which makes him very unhappy. It really feels like it is now or never.

Please don't find yourself in my shoes 6 years down the line, it really is miserable

If she wasn't your mother, would you have her in your life?

I'm thinking not.

She doesn't sound like she deserves a place in your life, or your child's.

Ask yourself why you want your mother in your life and why you feel it is important that she is in your daughter's life.

Not that she is 'Grandma'. Not that she is your 'mother', but actual reasons why SHE, the person, that personality, the way she is as a human being, should be chased after and pleaded with by you to be in your life.

Just get on with your own life, with the people who love you and want to be in it.

You can't think of someone who has lost a loving mother who was great and kind and wonderful and treated them with respect and love - and use that as a reason why you should keep your mother - who treats you the way she does - in your life. You can't compare the two.

sometimes you just have to focus on your own little family
i have cut my family from mine and DC's life, my father was abusive and when i told my mother she chose to believe and stick by him as did the rest of my family, although they still wanted to be in mine and my DC's life and i know my mother wouldve been a fab grandmother however i couldnt take the risk of my DC being around my father or around a family that seem to think abuse of a child is acceptable
Thatisall i would say sometimes you have to take a step back from the situation and think about it as if she wasnt your mum but say a friend or aunt, would you accept this behaviour then? you have to do whats best for your DD and if that means cutting out vindictive people then its for the best. DD might miss out on her grandmother but sounds to me like shes not a very good one, does she have another grandmother on your DHs side?

my mum cut her mother out - her mother was a bitch and I am glad we had nothing to do with her - life's to short to waste on shit like her

I am posting from the pov of a granddaughter in this, as my dm had extremely toxic parents. I won't hijack by going into any detail, but extreme emotional and some physical abuse was involved. DM repressed most of this and let other people (who didn't know all the details) persuade her that db and I were entitles to have a relationship with our granparents. Bollocks. We would have been so happy to never have to see them! They were very much as your mother seems to be to your dd - distant, not that interested but very demanding when she felt like it, but utterly unreliable. Everything was about them, we were constantly criticized...

She is not entitled to a relationship with anyone. If she wants to be a parent/grandparent/friend, she has to act like one.

I would pull back. No major row or letter writing as you may regret it later (you'll have days of beating yourself up over it, however right you were), but let it go. If she really wants the relationship, she'll call. If not, then why do you want her in dd's life?

YANBU

So she came to your wedding and did not even speak to you?! You don't need someone like that in your life. Get rid.

I've got similar with my sister, and I've had no contact with her now since August last year. My life has been so much simpler and easier since then.

OP I think you should take a look at the stately homes thread in Relationships. You will recognise a lot of the situations described there and see that many of us cut toxic, abusive and damaging parents from our lives to protect ourselves and our familes.

YANBU. My mum's grandmother was toxic, she traumatised and upset my mum and aunt and really hurt my nana. In the end it was my mum who, at 11, refused to go near her again.

It would have been better it they'd cut her out. She was toxic, as sounds your parent. Personally, I'd ignore her and any family meetings about it and just live your life. If and only if she actively presses you for a 'why' answer, then show her this thread. It may give her something to think about to see her behaviour in ink.

if she's utterly toxic, then do it. speaking as someone who grew up without grandparents, it doesn't seem to me to be a relationship that is in any way necessary to a child, your dd will be fine.

otoh, my sister has, seemingly arbitrarily, cut contact with our entire family. no idea why. very upsetting for my mother, shame she's missing her nieces, all that. but my mother is not toxic, and neither, i think, are any of the other members of the family, so it's hard to understand it.

I cut my mother out due to her shit and drama. She died - I don't miss her. When she died I grieved for the mother she should have been rather than the person she was iyswim. Only you can make the decision but if you do, do it quietly and have a great life.

NotEveryoneHasAHalfWayDecentMotherTiggaxx

I think my 'outburst' which was in full view of Facebook for all of 1 minute before I saw sense and deleted it, probably acted as a letter of sorts and may have already alienated me from 1 dsis who lives with her. But she is the most similar to Mum.

The outburst only really referred to the photographs and contained lots of fucks shits and pisses!! (Clearly too much time spent on Mumsnet lol) and basically just said that I was so sad and so sick of being hurt and just wanted a MUM. It was daft to do it and certainly not my style, but its done now.

She is most certainly trying to deliver blows right now even from afar. She's trying to befriend old bullies and arguing with my best friend by text. Though not one contact about my dd.

I'm sure her swan song will last a little longer yet but right now she's gone...

I don't know what I'll say to dd when she asks if she can see Grandma, which I guarantee you she will. :-(

My 'd'm died in Jan, dd had never met her. She's 14, nearly 15.

Apart from the fact that she disowned me years ago, dh and I decided that the risk of her hurting dd emotionally was just too great.

Its all going from bad to worse at the moment.

It would appear that my mother (whom my dh describes as wicked) has been manipulating her siblings and causing lots of rows about me.

As if I needed any more guilt about all this.

She has deleted all photos of my wedding, full stop and announced her own wedding, to the violent alcoholic she met last year (my words of caution one of the reasons she stopped speaking to me).

Sorry for drip feeding, post death of thread.

I don't think I need anymore advice. Im considering a family meeting with Aunts/uncles just to set the record straight before i walk away from her completely.

I've genuinely never felt so hated, i feel like an orphan

Let her go. She brings nothing to your life except pain.

I haven't spoken to mine in 20yrs. She wasn't even at my wedding (not invited) although she did threaten to find out where it was & ruin it (and my FIL said let her try )

I have only read up to where you say she hates you, and it bought tears to my eyes. You don't deserve this, OP. her not being your friend on fb, sitting all airs & graces at your wedding & leaving with no word, tagging pics of your friends...it's all about control. Take it away from her & move on.

Good Luck.

OH & I don't feel guilty about my girls not seeing her. I am not denying them anything, I am protecting them. Because she can't directly hurt me anymore, but she will hurt my girls to hurt to & I won't allow that...not ever. I am not having them hurt to get to get me.

It would appear that my mother (whom my dh describes as wicked) has been manipulating her siblings and causing lots of rows about me.

Manipulating....lying to them, right? Forget it. Easier to live with the lies about you, than it is to live with the truth about her.

I lost all my aunts & uncles for her. My favourite uncle died & I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye because she told everyone she had told me of the funeral details, only she didn't. They all think I just didn't turn up. That hurts, not because of her, but because she never allowed me to say goodbye & pay respects.

she sods 'wicked' too :-( I think whats upsetting me about her siblings the most is its my favourite uncle she is trying to turn and he in turn is now at the throat of the one Auntie who has stuck up for me, even turning up at the eleventh hour as I was upset that my mum didn't even call or come round on my wedding morning.

I feel like I ought to set the record straight for the good and brave Auntie

She sounds foul. I'd get rid of her completely. If your DD wants to see her, can you arrange it via one of your siblings, or will they be involved in the cutting out as well?

Mind you, I'd think twice about letting your DD see her again as well - not only does she run the risk of being hurt herself, but you run the risk of your mother using her against you as well - trying to turn her against you, I mean.

Your DD may be of an age where you could explain a little of why you won't be talking to grandma any more - I don't know, it would depend on her maturity and understanding.

She is very mature...but sometimes that makes things worse as she's a worrier and reads into things. I just have this horrible fear that she will grow up and think...because everyone hates Mummy, I don't get to see anybody.

My grandpa was toxic but my mum kept him in our lives because she thought he'd be different with me. He wasn't and he did and said some truly awful things. He died when I was 20 and mum has since apologised to me and said she should have kept him away.

This woman isn't your mum, she's just the person who gave birth to you.

And I really feel the world would be a simpler place without fecking Facebook! sod what she says bout you, anyone who really knows you will know the truth and the others aren't worth the worry.

She was a terrible mother. Don't give her the opportunity to be a terrible grandparent. Especially if she's marrying an abusive alcoholic! If she thinks it's your responsibility to take your ddtosee her then she isn't truly interested anyway is she?

You are doing the right thing cutting her out, you are just doubting yourself because it's causing upset amongst your family. It will pass you know. Stay strong.

I cut my mother out of my life and it was the best decision I ever made

I have lost my mum and yes I would do anything to have her back BUT only because she was a bloody fabulous mum!

Your mum sounds toxic and obviously brings you down - she doesnt give anything to your relationship anyway so yes, cut her off and just see if it makes you feel better.

Dont feel guilty - you do what you have to do so be strong and stick with it....ultimately I am sure it will be the best decision .

Good luck!

It took her a couple of years but my mum also turned all of my family against me too by spreading lies about me and playing the victim. None of them talk to me now. It hurt a lot (and still does sometimes) but I stand by my decision to not have her in my life and it is definitely for the best.

OP you are doing the right thing - you have suffered enough, do not inflict it on your own children. I cut my mother and stepfather out of mine and my teenage childrens lives a year ago after a long campaign of their abusive behaviour against me and my husband. It has been difficult, it is like going through a bereavement, but we could not put up with it any longer. My mother still has contact with my sister who lives overseas so that is the only way I know if she is alive or dead, but I hear nothing about her day to day life and my sister refuses to pass on any information about me. My children miss not having grandparents but having been present at the incident which finally led to the estrangement, which also left them extremely upset, they are very understanding.